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Buck’s breath is coming out shaky above him, Eddie’s attempting to focus on it to try and get his own breathing under control, but Buck’s not making it easy on him.
The world around him already feels a little terrifying right now, and the blood’s leaking out pretty damn fast, so maybe Buck could get ahold of himself right now and make this just a little less chaotic for the two of them.
“Relax.” Eddie wheezes out, pain blooming at his side with every small movement, already feeling impossibly dizzy.
He can’t quite recall how long they’ve been stuck here, it could be seconds to minutes, the pain feels like it’s making the world around him warp into something senseless and devoid of logic.
Buck turns to him, hands still fiddling with the elevator buttons, he looks haunted, “don’t tell me to relax.”
Eddie wants to say something else, but when he opens his mouth all that comes out is a choked, pained gasp.
Buck’s eyes widen and he turns back to the elevator doors, shakily trying to get a grip on the metal but failing pretty quickly.
There’s a long silence before Buck breathes out harshly and spits, “we’re stuck.”
“You don’t say.” Eddie’s reply is immediate and dry, he’s looking up at Buck with a deadpan expression he knows will piss him off.
He feels a little bad for Buck, but he’s glad he’s not stuck in here alone.
“Oh, so you get snarky when you’re stabbed, huh?” Buck smiles down, voice brittle, feigning humour whilst also balling his hands into fists to try to hide the tremors there.
Eddie sees them anyway, Buck’s never been good at hiding that sort of thing.
He coughs, “I get snarky when you make obvious comments.”
“What else do you want me to do…” Buck’s voice starts out humorous, but it quiets down into something worried pretty quickly, “Eddie, you’re bleeding fast.”
Eddie wants to reassure him, he plans to, but then he finds himself saying “…it hurts.”
He wants Buck, he wants Buck’s comfort, he might be a little selfish right now.
“Lay back, take off your shirt.” Buck snaps quickly, hands hovering in the air, looking uncertain and out of his depth.
being a firefighter is their entire job, these high stakes situations are supposed to feel like second nature, but it’s always different when its someone you know, someone you care about.
Eddie sneers and rolls his shoulders up slightly, “Its cold.”
Its cold, and also he feels really dizzy, and his vision is already pretty blurry, he doesn’t want to worsen it by moving at all, he might throw up all over the floor.
Buck frowns, “Its warm, actually…” his eyes skim Eddie’s wound, he follows Buck’s eyes and sees the steady stream of red seeping through his own fingers, “that’s the blood loss talking.”
He wants to tell Buck that it’s actually cold, because he’s got his back against metal and this elevator shaft is probably not very well ventilated.
Right now though he’s shivering a little bit, and even when its actually cold he doesn’t usually have such a harsh reaction to it.
So yeah, it’s probably the blood loss talking.
“Buck,” he laughs lightly, “you sound scared.”
Buck frowns down at him, clearly not amused, it must be bad if even Buck won’t let him make light of the situation at least a little bit.
Sue him, Eddie’s almost died enough times that he can make something more entertaining out of it now, surely.
After a while, almost dying gets a little boring.
At least he’s not alone.
it’s very important actually, that he isn’t.
“Take off your shirt,” Buck says again, commanding, “and stop making that face.”
“What face?”
“The face you make when you’re trying to analyse me, its in the eyes.”
Eddie frowns, “My eyes?”
Buck finally smiles, “No, the eyes of the lord,” there’s a little laughter buried just under his words, like he’s trying to contain it, like he doesn’t want to let Eddie win this round, “yes, Eddie, your eyes.”
“Oh,” Eddie smirks, feeling victorious, loving the way Buck looks at him when he’s amused, “you’re snarky when im stabbed.”
“here,” Buck moves forward again, letting Eddie take off his own shirt and guiding the balled up fabric in Eddie’s hands over his wound without touching him, hands shaking alongside Eddie’s, “hold it down, im gonna try to open the top panel.”
“Careful,” he wheezes out when he presses down against his stomach, the blood flow slowing a little, “don’t kill us.”
Eddie can practically hear Buck’s eye roll, “You’re already bleeding out, Eddie, you have been for a while, i dont think i could make things much worse.”
The lights flicker suddenly, the static sound of broken electrical equipment above them reminds Eddie of a ticking clock.
“Take that back.” Eddie frowns up at Buck, who’s currently got his back to him and arms up in the air trying to reach the ceiling.
He hears Buck hum distractedly, “I thought you weren’t superstitious?”
“Im not…” he asserts, and he hopes he doesn’t sound as whiny as he thinks he does, “take it back.”
Buck’s laugh is gentle and knowing, it would almost sound relaxed if Eddie didn’t know Buck’s actual laugh usually sounds so much brighter.
“i take it back.”
Eddie closes his eyes, and he can hear the sound of metal scraping as Buck tries to do whatever it is he’s trying to do, he can’t quite remember what that is right now.
“Shit,” Eddie’s vision whites out for a second, short bursts of pain courses through his nerves, “this hurts.”
Buck looks back at him over his shoulder, arms still up high, “fold yourself forward, your arms will get tired fast, your legs can help with keeping up pressure.”
It sounds both commanding and unsteady, Buck’s emotions are clashing so harshly it even makes Eddie want to wince in sympathy.
He doesn’t know how he would react if he had been in Buck’s place right now, but he knows Buck’s always cared too much, he knows how scared Buck is right now.
He also knows that even a scared Buck is the most reliable person in the room, no matter where you are or how wounded you are.
Man, he’s really fucking glad buck is here right now.
“You sound scared.” He mumbles to himself, because he’s scared for himself but he’s worried for Buck too.
He doesn’t like Buck seeing him like this, it feels like he’s scaring him.
“Stop saying that,” Buck snaps, one hand slamming against the metal of the ceiling panels in frustration when it seemingly doesn’t give, “you’re slurring your words already, im trying to be the stable one here.”
Eddie hums and smiles to himself, he feels a little dizzy, “…you’re always stable.”
Buck laughs, it sounds farther away, “Now thats just a lie.”
“You always feel stable, even if you’re not.”
The silence is loud, and Eddie’s already forgotten part of what he just said, he’s too focused on how cold it is right now.
“…the panel’s a bust.” Buck sighs.
“You’re deliberately ignoring what i just said.” Eddie mumbles, and he hears Buck huff in frustration.
“You’re not making any sense, you don’t even remember what you said.”
Eddie tries to shrug, then promptly bites back a pained cry, “i know it was a compliment…i think” he laughs, “I think i have a right to not make sense right now.”
Buck’s starring at him when Eddie opens his eyes, he’s on the far corner of the elevator, looking cornered like a prey animal, Eddie frowns “…come here, you’re too far.”
Buck shakes his head, back against the elevator like he’s trying to faze through the wall, “Eddie…thats a lot of blood.”
“Are you scared of blood, now?”
Buck’s eyes shine under the bright lights, “Yours, yeah…”
He looks like he’s two more minutes away from crying, it’s making Eddie feel both sympathetic and weary.
“The panel’s screwed shut,” Buck sighs after a while, head tilted up toward the heavens, “i can try to unscrew them with my hands…”
Eddie snorts, head lolling to the side, its too much work to keep it up, “sure, that’ll work.”
“Worth a try,” Buck mumbles, “at least gives us something to focus on till the 118 gets here.”
He lifts his arms up again, this time not turning away from Eddie as he tries to get a grip on the tiny screws.
“…they dont know we’re here…” Eddie sighs to himself, he keeps trying to visualise the 118 coming in to rescue them any time soon but his brain keeps coming up empty every time.
“No…my phone’s out of battery…” Buck moves away from the screws briefly to take his phone out and fiddle with the case, the side of the screen’s cracked a little from when he dropped it a couple days ago, “You got yours?”
“No…bastard took it…” he huffs.
Buck’s face morphs from sympathy to barely contained annoyance, “Jackass.”
Eddie laughs bitterly, “Got me mid prayer.”
Buck frowns again, looks at Eddie straight in the eye and says evenly, “What’s god ever done anyway?”
Eddie’s eyes widen slightly, he feels the blood trickle through his fingers and remembers that he needs to be putting pressure on the wound right now.
He winces in pain, hisses a curse to himself, and when the blood’s not free falling anymore he looks back up at Buck, but the other’s already got his attention back to the ceiling panel.
“…are you okay?” Eddie whispers softly, Buck’s face looks shuttered.
“Yeah, why?”
Eddie shakes his head, then promptly regrets it when a wave of nausea hits him, he thinks he can feel the taste of bile rising up in his throat.
“You just…you sound-”
Buck’s breath hitches a little and he hisses quietly, “Im pissed, Eddie, and im scared.”
Eddie smiles to himself, “You said you weren’t.”
There’s blood all around them, Eddie’s the one who is scared, Buck isn’t supposed to be anything but stable right now.
“Eddie, you’re bleeding out in front of me and i cant do anything to help…im scared, im really fucking scared.”
Eddie’s fear rises with every word, because he’s glad Buck’s here, but maybe he shouldn’t be.
Maybe Buck should be far away when Eddie inevitably bleeds to death.
maybe Buck should have never met him in the first place, because what good has it done for Buck to always watch him bleed out in front of him over and over again.
“…we’ll be fine.” He nods to himself, voice wavering.
Buck’s laughing again, “Try to sound more sure, maybe ill believe you.”
Eddie doesn’t say anything back, because its cold and his muscles are screaming at him and he’s getting more tired.
“Hold it tighter.” Buck snaps when he sees Eddie relax against the wall.
Eddie groans, folding over slightly despite the pain, “Holding it as tight as i can.”
When he looks up, Buck’s frowning down at him like he’s expecting a stern talking to to be what stops Eddie from bleeding out, “Dont sound so pissed.”
“Help me, then.” He snaps back, because buck is still stood up as far away as he can possibly be right now in this tiny elevator and it’s stressing Eddie out.
He’s struck by the knowledge that he would very much like to be holding Buck’s hand right now, he doesn’t know why, but he knows it would make him feel a whole lot better.
“I am helping you,” Buck’s voice sounds strained, “i’m working the screws off.”
Eddie laughs in between two particularly harsh coughs, “You’re not working shit, you’ve barely got a grip on the first one.”
“I’ll get a grip.”
“Uh huh,” Eddie looks at him with a raised brow, he knows buck can see it from the edge of his vision, “by then i’ll have bled out.”
Bucks’s grip falters and his arms flail out a little, he hisses in frustration and snaps, “Dont say that.”
“Why not,” Eddie hums, smirking, “my best friend was so busy trying to grab at rusted screws that he let me bleed out-”
Buck’s voice breaks when he shouts, “Eddie!”
In the silence, Eddie can hear the scream echo around them, its damning.
He looks up at Buck and knows he shouldn’t have said anything at all, because now instead of being focused on a useless task Buck’s just looking at him helplessly, eyes shining with fear.
“Dont…” Buck shakes his head, “dont joke like that.”
Eddie sighs, “…come here.”
“Eddie, im trying to get you out.” He sounds tired, and exasperated, like Eddie’s the most exhausting thing in this tiny little room.
“Us,” Eddie rolls his eyes, “get us out.”
Buck smiles again now, it lights up the entire room in something a lot more gentle than the fluorescent beams above them, “Well, i think you’re the priority right now.”
Eddie shakes his head, he needs to get this through Buck’s thick head somehow, “Its the two of us, both of us.”
“Okay,” Buck sighs, “both of us.”
Eddie can tell Buck is just indulging him, he would be a little insulted if he wasn’t immediately calmed by Buck’s acquiescence.
“…come here.”
Buck looks at him for a long moment, eyes snapping between Eddie’s own and the untouched screws on the elevator panel, “…fine, might as well give a dying man his last wish.”
Buck settles in next to Eddie, long legs pulled up almost comically against his chest.
He’s not touching Eddie, but he’s close enough that Eddie finally feels like he can breathe again.
“…im cold.” Eddie mumbles, looking ahead and trying to focus his gaze on the wall in front of him.
Everything is becoming blurry- or, well, blurrier than before.
He’s getting worse, steadily.
“…you’re losing a lot of blood.” Buck answers, like Eddie didn’t already know that.
“I know, i can see it.”
Eddie sees Buck’s head shake minutely next to him, “I dont think you’re really getting the whole picture.”
Eddie groans, he can feel tremors of pain running up and down his abdomen and arms, everything hurts, “I dont need to know, buck.”
There’s more silence, the quiet of the sealed room lends a sort of eery feel to their predicament.
Eddie almost feels like he’s travelled into a sort of parallel world where its just the two of them, and no one is coming to save them because they’re not even in the same plane of existing anymore.
“…last words?” Eddie says out of nowhere.
Buck tilts his head to the side and looks at Eddie, “what?”
he hadn’t realised how close to passing out he’d just been until he hears Buck’s voice next to him and his brain rears up again like a sleeper agent.
Eddie shrugs at him, probably looking a little helpless, “You gave me my dying wish so…do i get last words too?”
Buck stares at him for a moment whilst what Eddie’s just said seems to register in his brain, “Are you serious?”
“Yes.” Eddie says, sounding absolutely dead serious.
“Eddie, i just said-”
“Humour me…” Eddie almost begs, “im not dying today so just…humour me for a bit…please.”
He just wants to keep talking, he wants to keep talking and he knows that Buck will let him, he knows Buck will let him be selfish in here, right now.
“…fine, but these last words better be good, i’ll be making fun of you for weeks if they dont meet expectations.”
Eddie stalls, then sighs, “…i dont actually know what i want my last words to be.”
Buck smiles at him, gentle and inviting, like he knows that’s a lie, “…Chris?”
Eddie smiles a little to himself, Chris’ life flashing in his memory like a sort of distant snapshot, “…Chris, i love him.”
Buck nods sagely by his side, voice steady and certain, “He knows.”
Its good, to hear Buck say it, because Buck’s always right, Eddie believe in just about anything Buck ever tells him.
It feels steady, to have him here to confirm something this important.
“I know…i want to tell him that i love him again.”
Buck’s quiet for only a moment before he nods to himself, then to Eddie, “You will.”
“…yeah…” Eddie says, uncertain and a little shaky.
Buck sounds a little panicked when he responds “Try to sound more optimistic, please.”
Eddie shakes his head, because this room smells like copper and the air is suffocating, he doesn’t want to be optimistic right now.
Optimism feels like a curse he’d put upon himself years ago when he finally thought that his life was turning out fine.
Nothing’s ever been fine long enough to feel optimistic about anything.
Buck tilts his head again, smile small and private, “For me?”
Eddie huffs and smiles too, because its just that easy, really.
He’s weak, and he doesn’t exactly mind it at all.
“…fine, ill tell Chris i love him, next time i see him, probably tomorrow.”
Even trying to sound optimistic he can hear the note of sarcasm in his own voice, and it wasn’t even purposeful.
He winces because of it, and sees Buck bite back a smile next to him.
“…Optimism really isn’t your strength, huh?” He laughs, and it makes Eddie laugh breathlessly alongside him.
“Oh, come on, that sounded good!”
“Uh huh…” it doesn’t sound like Buck believes him at all.
They just sit for a moment, and Eddie thinks again that maybe the 118 will throw open those doors and get them out.
“…hen,” Eddie says suddenly, “i want to tell Hen that i love wine nights with her.”
He nods to himself, because if he’s sticking to this last words idea then he has a lot to say to the people that have always been there for him.
Buck frowns, “You have wine nights with hen?”
Eddie frowns in turn, then makes a surprised little ‘oh’ sound, “…you weren’t supposed to know that.”
“I wasn’t invited?!” Buck squawks, turning his entire body towards Eddie’s, attention fully locked in on the apparent betrayal.
“No.” Eddie bites his lip to keep from smiling, eyes skimming Buck’s face under the harsh lights above them.
“Why not?” Buck prods, leaning closer into Eddie’s space.
Eddie shakes his head and smiles to himself, shivering a little, “We don’t invite the people we talk about.”
“Oh,” Buck snorts, “so you bitch about me to hen?”
“Yes, all the time.” Eddie deadpans, like a liar.
its never bitching at all, really, just Eddie raving about Buck and Chris until Hen’s had enough and throws his drunk ass into a cab, or lets him crash on the couch if its been a particularly harrowing night.
Buck laughs, “sure you do.”
Eddie lets himself lean back against the wall, because it hurts to have half of his body twisted to the side.
He groans out a garbled sound, something in between pain and relief, once his back hits the cold metal again.
“And chim…he’s an asshole.” He says dryly, but its enough to make Buck laugh.
“Yes, you love him though, he loves you too.”
Eddie nods, Buck’s always so sure of everything, it helps Eddie feel like he can think properly, like every jumbled mess of a thought in his head gets smoothed out when Buck’s next to him.
“Yeah…i want him to know i hate the way he makes coffee,” Eddie smiles, feeling winded, “but i think he’s a damn good captain.”
“He’ll let that get to his head, just so you know.” Buck smirks, and Eddie smiles in turn.
He thinks maybe last words are supposed to be different, they’re supposed to be an admission of love or a thank you to the people in your life.
All Eddie can really think about right now is everything he’s ever done wrong and how he could possibly apologise for all of them.
Buck shuffles next to him, probably rearranging himself and his gigantic limbs into a better position.
“hey…” Buck whispers, “not to be narcissistic or anything, but what about me?”
Eddie’s silent for long enough that he feels the exhaustion seep into his body, muscles going just a little lax.
He snaps back awake, because he shouldn’t be falling asleep.
“…i dont know.”
Buck snorts beside him, “Liar.”
“Back off.” Eddie warns, eyes still closed.
“Oh, you want me to come closer, you want me to back off, pick a lane!” Buck sounds both amused and annoyed, and Eddie likes it when he can have that kind of effect on Buck.
He doesn’t like the trajectory of this discussion though.
“Whatever.” He grumbles.
“Grumpy.”
Buck lets it go, because of course he does, he’s good like that.
He never pushes Eddie past where Eddie wants to go, problem thought is that Eddie never wants to go anywhere that might be dangerous, or unsteady.
Most of the time he’s thankful that Buck always follows his lead, but sometimes he wishes Buck would take the lead too.
He has no idea what to do, most of the time, it’s Buck’s belief in him that unlocks Eddie’s own ability to go beyond what he thinks he can do.
“I was praying…when he got me.” Eddie sighs.
“Yeah…you told me…” Buck whispers back, they’re both talking quietly now, hushed voices that makes it seem like they’re sharing secrets, “were you praying for athena?”
“No…” Eddie shakes his head, then shrugs, “yes…i was praying for a sign…something to show me that there was someone out there looking out for us…listening to me…”
“…did your prayers get answered?”
Eddie coughs, he can taste copper in the back of his throat, “I got stabbed.”
“Right, i almost forgot.” Buck’s voice is dry, clearly unamused.
Eddie sighs, he balls up his hands and presses into his wound to try and wake himself up further, “…i want to curse god.”
Buck shrugs beside him, Eddie’s eyes are still closed but he can hear the telltale sound, “You got stabbed, i dont think god would blame you.”
Eddie hums, “…god’s never had my back.”
Buck doesn’t respond, it almost feels like he isn’t even there anymore.
Since Buck wont volunteer anything, Eddie just keeps talking, “You’ve always had my back though…always.”
When Eddie opens his eyes and tilts his head to the side Buck’s closer than he thought he would be, blue eyes wide and fearful.
“I try…you know i try…im not-” Buck’s stuttering, voice coming out hoarse, “…im not always good at it, but i try…”
“I know…” Eddie nods, he tries to sound stable, the way Buck had been for him before, but he’s in too much pain to pull it off, “doesn’t matter if you’re good at it or not…just the fact you’re here is…you’ve always got my back.”
“Im no god though…” Buck whispers softly, he looks scared, “i cant fix this…”
His hands are hovering a couple centimetres away from Eddie’s own, like he wants to touch but doesn’t know how to.
Eddie shakes his head, he wants to grab Buck’s hand in his own but he’s afraid to get blood on him, “God’s never fixed anything for me, never.”
Buck stares and Eddie smiles back, trying to soften the blow, “I dont want you to fix anything.”
Buck frowns down at his own hands, then looks back up at Eddie, helpless, “…then what do you want from me?”
Eddie stays quiet, his throat is working around silent words, he thinks he might throw up, instead his vision clears a little.
Buck’s eyes haven’t left his, Eddie’s trying to focus on them, give himself something to grab onto that will keep him conscious.
Eddie shivers, then chokes out a little pained sound.
They stay suspended in uncertainty until Eddie’s eyes widen.
Buck hums in question, his head tilts again in that special Buck way that makes him all the more endearing.
“Oh…i think i know what i want to say to you.”
Buck smiles down at him, face shadowed under the fluorescent lights, “yeah?” There’s some anxious amusement in his voice, “you’ve got your last words?”
Eddie nods to himself, “yeah.”
Buck looks like he’s steeling himself for something painful, “…well? Give it to me.”
Eddie shakes his head, he doesn’t think he’s putting enough pressure on his wound anymore, “…im not dead yet, it wouldn’t be my last words if i told you now.”
Buck looks angry again, “You’re not dying tonight.”
He shrugs, “Then you dont need to know my last words.,
Buck looks like he’s about to let it go, like he always does.
Eddie doesn’t want him to let it go, he’s not even sure why, all he knows is that he wants Buck to push, he wants to be made to do this because its easier than to choose to do it on his own.
Maybe Buck understand, because he whispers softly, “…i want to know.”
“…because you think i’m going to die?” Eddie smiles wryly.
“No.” Its firm, no space for argument.
Eddie goes for another guess, something he thinks might be closer to the truth “You’re scared i might die?”
Buck doesn’t respond, he also doesn’t look away from Eddie, like one blink might mean that he’ll just disappear.
“Yeah…” Eddie sighs, he also feels like he might disappear at any moment, “me too…”
“Tell me…” Buck nods, looking resigned, “and then…and then you’ll still be fine, and it wont be last words, it’ll be…”
Eddie smiles, “Just words.”
“Yeah.”
Eddie feels dizzy, and he’s not sure if its the pain, blood loss or what he wants to say to Buck.
It might be the three things at the same time, a perfect trifecta.
“Fuck…i dont-” he kind of wants to throw up, “…im too delirious for this.”
“Yeah, but your heads not gonna get any clearer.” Buck sounds rushed now, like the clock above their heads is slowly ticking down to zero and they’ll run out of time before Eddie can say what he wants to say.
Eddie wants to snark back, to tell him to give him a second, but in truth he’s scared too.
Time feels like its escaping both of them.
“…you know…i keep looking at you lately and thinking i don’t want to walk too far in case you decide to call for me.” He sighs.
Buck looks at him, mildly surprised, like he hadn’t expected this to be the turn the conversation would take.
“I just…keep waiting for you to knock at my door,” Eddie’s laugh is weak, “and every time i see Chris i think about you and him, because its always you and him together, in my head.”
Buck nods, like its obvious, “…you, me and Chris, the three of us.”
“Yeah, that’s just…” he smiles at the picture that forms in his head, “how its supposed to be…and i just let it be like that…”
The lights flicker above them again, its getting really cold, “but sometimes i think its meant to be just a bit different…but im not letting it become different.”
Buck looks a little scared, “What do you mean by different?”
Eddie tries to shrug, but it doesn’t end up being much more than a weak shuffle, “…just…you and me…and Chris…the three of us.”
Buck nods, “Like its always been.”
Eddie sighs, then shakes his head, “Different.”
“How different?”
“You and me…us, and Chris.”
He thinks he’s not making any sense, but then Buck’s eyes clear like he’s finally getting it.
“…oh.”
Eddie nods to himself, he’s doing one thing right tonight, “Us….i keep thinking about it…its harder now…but ah…i just want to be…us…i dont know how…i have no idea how…” he groans in frustration, “i dont know what im doing…i just…”
Eddie wishes he had the energy to sound like he means it, instead its just blood and exhaustion.
Buck deserves better than the mess he’s making.
Buck smiles anyway, gentle and ever patient, “Yeah?”
“…i think i love you…” Eddie frowns, then pulls his lips into a wince, “no…i know i love you…i think im in love with you.”
Buck’s quiet.
Eddie turns again, because Buck’s too quiet.
He’s staring at Eddie with this sort of blank look bordering on slight confusion.
Eddie’s a little insulted, and worried too, “Dont you have anything to say to that?”
Buck shrugs, then smiles placatingly, “…what do you think i should say?”
The room feels a little colder now, like its just dropped a couple degrees out of nowhere.
“…i…i dont know…” Eddie shakes his head, feeling helpless, “i have no idea…”
Buck shrugs, “Maybe that’s why im not saying anything…” his eyes look a little sad, “you dont know what id even say.”
Eddie frowns, then looks up at Buck, his voice shakes a little when he says, “…but you’re you…you can tell me…”
Buck nods, “Im me, yeah.”
“…why wont you tell me?” Its colder, and its quieter now too, his own voice sounds miles away.
“…Eddie-”
Eddie tries to reach for Buck, but his muscles are giving up on him and his arm flails a bit uselessly, “Please tell me something, anything-”
“Eddie,” Buck speaks in a gentle, level way, he looks so calm, “its okay.”
Buck’s not touching him, and he’s so close but its still so cold.
The air around him stays static and the lights above flicker harshly.
“…you’re not here…” Eddie whispers, “you’re not actually here…”
All Buck does is smile down at him.
“Buck…” his voice shakes, unsteady and panicked all at once, he doubles over with the pain of it, the pain of being completely alone in here.
How long has he been in here?
Delirious to the point he hallucinated his best friend at his side.
“Yeah, hey,” Buck whispers, “you’re okay.”
His voice is steady but he still sounds scared, and maybe that’s because Eddie is scared too, maybe its because Eddie wants Buck to be afraid for him, the real Buck.
Just so he knows he won’t bleed out without anyone there to care.
“But you’re not here,” he closes his eyes tightly against the onslaught of pain, “im not okay if you’re not here.”
As if to punctuate his point the lights above them flicker one final time before going out entirely, quickly followed by the sound of dying machinery above them.
Its dark, too dark.
Its dark, and cold, and Eddie can’t hear himself well because his ears are ringing, and he can’t feel Buck because Buck isn’t actually here.
“Im here,” Buck whispers, “im just…your version of me.”
Eddie whines out a pained sound, “…i want buck…”
“I know,” Buck whispers.
Eddie can’t see him well anymore, the singular white light in the elevator glares into his eyes and all he can make out is Buck’s silhouette, “he’ll come get you, you know he will.”
Eddie feels dizzy, and he’s not sure where exactly he is right now, everything feels weightless and the only warmth he can make out is his own blood trickling down his side, “You’ll come get me?”
“Im on my way,” Buck sounds like he’s smiling, “im looking for you right now, Eddie.”
“Okay…” Eddie relaxes, just a little, if Buck’s looking for him then he can let go for a little bit, “okay…”
Buck tilts his head again, “Can you wait for me?”
Eddie would wait for Buck for an eternity, really, as long as it takes for Buck to find him.
“Yeah…yeah…of course i can” he smiles, feeling weightless, “…i’ll always wait for you.”
He thinks, now that his eyes have adjusted to the darkness, he can see the blue of Buck’s eyes more starkly.
“…will you tell him what you told me?”
Eddie frowns, “…no.”
“Eddie.” Its scolding, why is his own hallucination scolding him?
Because that’s what Buck would do, Eddie’s got to give himself props for conjuring up this good of a delusion.
“No, no, i’ll be-“ he winces, his throat feels like its closing up, “…i want…i want to…”
Buck hums, “But you wont.”
Eddie shakes his head, then says, sounding guilty, “…sorry-”
“Hey,” Buck laughs something small, “its okay, you dont have to, you know i’ll always be with you.”
Eddie knows it, he wants to hear it anyway, so his hallucination complies.
“I’ve got your back, i always have, you don’t have to tell me you love me for me to still be there.”
Eddie’s heart stutters, “…you deserve to hear it, though.”
“Do i?”
“Yes, buck,” he says, exhausted and exasperated, “you deserve to hear it.”
Buck smiles, Eddie can tell even in the darkness, he can tell because he knows the real Buck would be smiling right now, “Then tell me, when i get here, tell me you love me.”
Eddie shakes his head, then sighs, “…okay.”
The silence is loud, and he’s getting really tired.
Everything feels like its tilting on its axis and he’s about to topple over the edge and lose the precarious balance that’s been keeping him awake until now.
He can’t hear Buck, can’t really see him anymore now that the edge of his vision is quickly becoming spotty.
He kind of wishes that the real Buck was here, just…to hold him.
“Hey…” Eddie whispers shakily, he’s not sure if he’s actually speaking out loud of just dreaming now, but either way he doesn’t want to be alone through it.
Blessedly, Buck replies, “Yeah?”
“Im…” he gasps out a shaky little breath, “dont leave…i know you’re not real…but…dont leave…please stay anyway.”
It feels pathetic, but it also feels like calling to whatever deity he believes in for one last thing to give him comfort.
God’s never been here for him, but maybe Buck will stay by his side now.
“Like you said,” Buck is there again, like always, Eddie thinks he can feel a whisper of breath against his hair, but that’s probably wishful thinking, “I’ve always got your back, any time, anywhere.”
Eddie is quiet, trying to stay as still as possible to see if he can maybe feel that soft breath against his hair again, just one more time.
“Im not leaving.” Buck says with some finality.
It sounds so easy, when Buck says it, like its the easiest choice in the world, simplest thing he’s ever done.
Eddie sighs, and lets himself slip.
He hopes that when he says “i love you.” Its loud enough for Buck to hear it, wherever he is.
Theres a long stretch of time, after that, where Eddie is just…floating in a sort of uncertain space.
He feels relaxed, like his brain cannot form more than a couple thoughts a minute.
it’s dark enough that he thinks maybe the last light in the elevator went out at some point and he hadn’t even noticed.
That is, until he hears a ding from farther away, something muffled by the nothingness around him.
It calls to him though, and so do the voices that suddenly crowd him.
He feels a hand against his neck, and takes in a sharp inhale, trying to bring air back into his lungs that feel like they’ve collapsed in on themselves.
Waking up and breathing so suddenly feels like he’s unfolding his organs, pain blooms in his chest again, but now there are too many lights and too many people around for him to focus on it for more than a second.
It feels like he’s thrown himself out of an abyss and into a writhing pit of chaos.
There’s a hand on his neck, checking for a pulse he thinks is probably pretty slow, based on how cold he feels and how heavy his breathing is.
He tries to get one of his hands up, his vision is still clouded but he thinks that maybe Chim and Hen are in front of him.
His hand collides with someone’s chest, something real and tangible, and he laughs out a shaky breath, “hey guys.”
Hen sounds worried, and Chim’s screaming for help, but suddenly all Eddie can focus on is the lack of Buck.
He’d been by his side just a second ago, it felt like it at least, but maybe he hadn’t actually been, because he’s not here right now.
“Eddie,” Hen grabs at his arm, “calm down.”
He is calm, he just wants to see Buck, that’s not such a strange thing to ask for.
“Where’s buck-” he tries to say, but he’s cut off by a harsh cough that wracks through his entire body and causes Hen to lose her grip on his arm.
“Dont move, you’re-” Hen goes to grab him again, but her hand slips and comes back covered in cold blood, “you’re bleeding a lot, just stay-”
“Where’s buck,” Eddie gasps out, “he promised he wouldn’t leave.”
He definitely did, Eddie remembers it like the promise is carved in his brain.
Buck swore he wouldn’t leave, so why isn’t he here right now?
“Let me through!” The voice is blessedly clear within the cacophony of everyone else’s panic, and Eddie feels like he can breathe again, like a pressure valve just released inside of him.
Chim hisses, “Buck, we’re-”
“Let me through,” Buck demands, voice high and raw, “if he’s asking for me you have to let me through!”
“Buck?” Eddie reaches out towards the sound with a bloodied hand, he can’t really see past the blur of the lights around him, but the voice sounds so close and so clear.
“Hey!” Something grabs his hand, uncaring for the mess of blood and sweat, “Hey, hey Eddie, hi, you’re okay, I’ve got you.”
Of course, of course Buck has him.
“I know.” Eddie relaxes against the wall, feels someone prod at his wound, the pain feels fuzzy now instead of blinding, “I know you do.”
“Good,” Buck sighs, he’s smiling again, Eddie’s glad that he’s smiling, “you’re okay, you’re okay.”
“Oh…” Eddie frowns slightly, uncomprehending, “you’re warm.”
Eddie feels elated, he can feel Buck’s skin against his own, he can feel the warmth seep from Buck’s body directly into his like a lifeline.
It feels like heaven.
“Yeah, sorry,” Buck says, “you’re really cold.”
“No, you’re…” Eddie wants to tell Buck that warm is good, that he wants Buck to envelop him in that warmth and never let go, “i was…”
Everything feels vague around him, the only focal point he has is Buck’s hand in his.
“Hey, stay with me Eddie,” Buck brings his second hand up to Eddie’s face and places the back of it against his forehead, “don’t pass out on me-”
“I love you.”
“…what?”
Its easy to say it, easier than he thought it would be.
“I was supposed to tell you that, i think.” He’s a little iffy on the why, but he knows for certain that he needs Buck to know that immediately.
He doesn’t just need Buck to know, he needs Buck to believe it too.
“…i…Eddie-”
Eddie wants to hear what Buck has to say, but the warmth against his forehead and the knowledge that Buck didn’t leave means that he can finally relax, he doesn’t have to worry anymore.
“Hey- hey, he’s losing consciousness!”
“Move, we need to get him out, doctor’s here!”
The rest is distant and fuzzy, but Eddie has never felt safer.
————
“I dont want this.” Eddie frowns down at the plate, nose wrinkling as the various hospital smells mingle with that of the food.
He feels a little nauseous.
“Its food.” Buck laughs, pushing the tray closer to Eddie, who’s bed bound and powerless to get away, “it’s not going to kill you!”
He shakes his head and points at it accusingly, “Its gross.”
Buck bites his lip, clearly trying to keep a straight face, “Eddie-”
Eddie pushes the tray back to Buck, “I dont want this, get me out of here.”
Buck laughs again, bright and warm, “its just three days.”
Eddie rolls his eyes, “An eternity alone in here with inedible food.”
There’s a short silence, so Eddie looks back up, and when he does he’s met with Buck’s impossibly blue eyes and his ever gentle smile.
“You’re not alone, Im here.”
Eddie huffs out a breath, “Yeah, you are…”
Buck keeps looking at him expectantly, so Eddie groans loudly to make his annoyance well known and makes a vague garbing motion towards the offending tray, “fine, give me that.”
Buck makes a whooping sound of success and hands Eddie his food, “Was that so hard?”
“Yes,” Eddie says immediately, picking up the sandwich, “very.”
Eddie eats for a while, Buck silent at his side, reminds him a little of a guard dog.
It’s good though, having Buck next to him like that, but he kind of wants to grab at him just to make sure he’s actually here this time.
“…Eddie?”
Eddie promptly takes a bite out of his sandwich and pretends he hadn’t just been starring at his best friend for a slightly inappropriate amount of time.
“Mh?”
Buck seems to be struggling with what he wants to say, grabbing at Eddie’s bedsheet and smoothing the fabric between his fingers to give himself something to focus on, “Do you…do you remember what you said, when we got you out of the elevator?”
Eddie almost chokes, he takes his time to swallow carefully before wincing and sighing dejectedly.
“…will you believe me if i say no?”
Buck snorts, then looks back up at Eddie, seemingly less worried now that Eddie’s confirmed it in the vaguest way he could, “No, but i’ll let it go.”
Eddie smiles, because of course Buck would.
Eddie doesn’t want him to…but maybe its time Eddie makes these choices himself without waiting for someone else to decide for him.
“…do you want to let it go?” Is what he goes for, because he can be honest with himself and Buck, but maybe he can ease them both into it rather than throw them directly into the deep end.
“Not really.”
Eddie hums, “But you will?”
Buck smiles, “For you, yeah.”
Eddie loves him.
Its so easy to love Buck, but its so complicated to let himself love Buck.
He sighs, “…i remember.”
Buck’s quiet again next to him, he’s not looking at Eddie anymore, eyes trained on the floor now.
He’s smiling though, something soft.
“…did you mean it?”
Eddie smiles, he tries to catch Buck’s eye, but maybe its also a bit much for him too.
Maybe Buck’s just as in over his head as Eddie is.
“There’s more i wanted to say, i think,” he shrugs, “its a bit jumbled in my head, what i actually told you and all the other things i imagined telling you.”
Buck looks up now, confused, cheeks a little pink, “You imagined telling me stuff?”
Eddie’s own face feels a little hotter now, he aims for innocent when he responds “…a little.”
He fails, and sounds incredibly guilty.
Buck smiles slyly, “What did you imagine?”
Eddie bites his lip and shrugs, he’s not even sure what half the things he said were, but he knows he wanted to tell Buck a lot more than he ever has.
He doesn’t think he’s ever tried to be this honest in his life, its a little daunting.
Buck picks up on the uncertainty, “You don’t have to-”
“I did mean it.” Eddie says quickly, before Buck gives him another out that he might end up taking.
Buck’s entire face lights up, and his smile turns small and shy, “…yeah?”
“Just…give me…” Eddie looks at him, at that smile, and wants to give him the entire world, “give me a bit of time…to get it right in my head, im still on a bunch of pain meds right now, its not romantic.”
Buck laughs, and its easy and free, “okay, but i’m holding you to it.”
Eddie wants to grab Buck’s hand, he wants to feel the warmth and the stability.
he wants to hold his hand and keep them together to make sure Buck doesn’t wander off again somewhere he can’t reach.
So he does.
Because he’s allowed to want things, and Buck’s letting him want things, and he wants Buck, so…
Buck’s entire posture goes rigid for only a second before what Eddie’s just done seems to register in his head.
Buck looks at him with that surprised little face of his, mouth slightly open around a silent ‘oh’, before he completely relaxes and smiles brighter than anything Eddie’s ever seen.
Eddie feels Buck’s hand in his squeeze him in bursts, like he’s testing out his grip and trying to hold Eddie just right.
It makes Eddie feel…safe.
“For the record,” Buck says quietly, almost inaudible under the loudness of the bustling hospital around them, “i love you too.”
Eddie bites his lip and squeezes Buck’s hand in his, “yeah?”
Buck hums.
Later, Eddie will have to let himself learn how to feel like he deserves all of this, he’ll have to take it slow and let Buck love him.
It feels daunting, but then it also feels elating, because he will get to love Buck in turn.
He thinks that it might be the easiest thing he will ever do.