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Silence was a luxury, a temporary time of peace. Whenever our parents left us alone at home, there was no yelling, no barbed words, nor were there punches being thrown around…it was just my sister and me.
Truthfully, many parts of my childhood were now a blur. I only came to know this because my sister often reminisced about the stupid shit we had to experience thanks to our parents’ neglect, and I realized that I barely remembered anything. That didn't mean I forgot everything. I doubt my life would have felt this messed up if I were able to do so.
No, wait, maybe it was inevitable? Even after escaping my parents, I had to deal with Manager Nam after all.
Anyway, I remembered that most of my childhood was spent being protected by my sister. As a kid, it wasn't easy to understand why my parents acted the way they did. So, despite being a young teen herself back then, she pretty much took it upon herself to guide me.
She taught me how to survive in a house that never truly welcomed us.
She taught me what I should and shouldn't do around our parents. The list was mostly filled with don'ts to the point where I had to question if I was even allowed to move at all.
But I was lucky; I didn't have to go through the trial and errors that my sister most likely did.
She taught me how to sneak food out of the kitchen and even gave me her share whenever she thought I was getting too thin.
I wish she didn't have to; she was just as hungry as I was.
She taught me which part of the house is safest and would sneak me out if our parents were getting too violent. The hits that were meant for me, my sister took. All she said was that she was older. That she can take it much better than I could.
I hated it.
So I did my best to make sure I didn't get on their bad side, especially when my sister was around.
Thinking back on things like this made me feel incredibly guilty. My sister was still so young back then. She should have been spending her time doing the things she loved and having fun with her friends! Instead, she was stuck having to make sure that our parents didn't accidentally starve or beat me to death.
I wasn't an idiot. Even if I weren't there, my sister would not have had a happy childhood living under those kinds of people. But at the very least, whatever time she had for herself she wouldn't have had to give to me.
But what can I do? This was the hand we were dealt.
No, actually, when my sister reached adulthood, there was a short period of time where I acted out and made things a bit harder for her in hopes that she'd get tired of me and live her own life. All I got for my efforts was a slap on the back and a long lecture. Needless to say, I never tried again.
Other than that, I just made sure to do my best at school and avoided our parents’ eyes. It was the least I could do for all the effort my sister put in.
But it wasn't all bad. I had a lot of fun with my sister. The little bits of peace and freedom we had were spent together.
Sometimes we'd stay home and eat whatever food was left behind or stash them in our rooms.
If it was close to exam week, we would study together in the living room. If not, we'd borrow some books from the library and laugh about the most ridiculous stories we found.
We couldn't do it often since our parents kept a close watch on the electric consumption, but sometimes we would turn on the television and watch whatever was on. Every so often, we would catch some people–idols I later realized–performing. Afterwards, in the silence of the house, we would sing the songs we heard, messing up the lyrics every time.
When she brought me out of the house, we would spend the day at the playground or walk around aimlessly, trying to find something worthwhile. Most of the time, we just talked about everything we wanted to do and places we wanted to visit.
In spring, we would go to a park and spend our day looking at flowers or chasing butterflies.
During the summer, when my sister had some money saved up from her part-time jobs, she would buy us some ice cream as we cooled off by the river.
In the fall, as long as it wasn't disrupting anyone or causing a mess where we shouldn't, we would play with the fallen leaves, creating piles and jumping at them.
In winter, we'd make snowmen or have snowball fights until our fingers froze from the cold. I'd get sick the next day, and my sister would always apologise for keeping me out for too long. I felt bad about making her worry, but those days when she stayed by my bedside were days I cherished.
Life in a house with people who don't deserve to be called parents was difficult. But it was fine. I had my sister by my side. It made me feel like no matter how bad things got, I'd be alright because she would always be there for me.
When I grew up, my sister took me out of that house for good. Gave me money and helped me go to college.
I got a job that made me tired and miserable, but it was fine. Absolutely fine. My sister had to endure so much worse just for me. If it was for my sister, I could handle whatever Manager Nam threw at me, whether it's a presentation due in half an hour or a banner for his daughter's favorite group that I had to revise a hundred times over.
More than once I've imagined being able to treat my sister to whatever it is she wanted.
I imagined giving her presents every day and buying her the foods she loved eating the most.
I imagined buying her so many clothes that she'd never think of needing to patch up her old ones ever again.
I'd give her back the money she lent me and then buy her all the things she never got because she was so busy making sure I got what I needed.
The thought of seeing my sister smile purely because life felt good was enough to keep me going.
But perhaps I was being too optimistic.
It was so close.
I was so close.
And then I lost her.
Silence became a constant, a permanent cage trapping me with nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company. In the solitude of my apartment, there was no yelling, no barbed words, nor were there punches being thrown around…it was just me.
Saying that my thoughts were a mess would be generous. It would mean that I was present enough to be aware of my own state of mind. But that wasn't the case.
When my sister died, it felt like the strings holding me together had snapped. My head was stuck in a haze, but my body trudged along by pure muscle memory.
Getting out of bed and going to work felt like dragging a corpse around. I had no idea how I managed to finish my usual mountain of tasks. But I did. Or rather, it seemed like I did. I hadn't gotten fired, after all.
Feeding myself felt like pushing a square into a circular hole. With enough force and effort, it might just work! But it felt like too much of a chore. It was not like I could taste anything anyway.
The journey from my workplace and back to the apartment was even more of a blur. The world continued to turn, and seasons passed as they usually would, with my mind stuck in the same, horrid place.
It was months before I noticed that the small calendar on my desk needed to be replaced. The date I left it on was staring back at me as if mocking me. In the end, I never did get a new one.
Questions filled my head; a bunch of ‘what if’ scenarios that no longer mattered floated in, and wishes that it should have been me instead occupied my head as I lay awake every night.
I regretted it. I should have thought of all the good things we had together instead. Because the day I realized that I was starting to forget how my sister's voice sounded and how her face looked when she was smiling was almost as painful as the day I lost her.
I questioned why I was even holding on.
There was no reason to.
But for the sake of my sister who worked so hard to get me to where I am, I tried.
I tried to imagine a life where I had learned to handle the grief of losing her.
I tried to imagine a life where I'm free from Manager Nam's every whim.
I tried to imagine a life where I went to all the places we talked about.
I tried to imagine a life where I experienced so many fun things I never got to.
I tried to imagine a life so fulfilling that my sister wouldn't ever have to worry about me.
I tried. But I couldn't. Without my sister, it didn't even feel like I was living.
Belatedly, I realized that I held no attachments to my own life. It was like my life was tethered to my sister's.
Just like a parasite.
It would have been much easier if I had never even existed in the first place. If I hadn't, my sister would have gotten out of that house much earlier. Maybe she wouldn't have had to die like this either.
I didn't know what to do. I felt sorry for my sister who had to deal with a useless little brother like me.
Still, the silence was getting louder, and the desire to end it all kept growing stronger.
My head that was in a haze for the longest time kept urging me to take the easy way out.
Just one action. All it takes is one clean movement.
Even someone as incompetent as me can surely do it. Right?
But I couldn't.
The strangest things flitted through my mind to stop me. Life was cruel. It took my sister away from me, and it wouldn't even let me take control of my own.
So, like nothing happened, I would go back to the quiet and empty apartment to live a life that could hardly be called such.
To repeat the cycle that my body has grown used to.
To keep looking at my phone, hoping for a call or a text that would never come.
To stay stuck in my own head, repenting for all the things I should have done that I didn't.
To forever having to endure the pain of being alone.
And then time rewound.
Something impossible happened. I didn't know if the world was taking pity on me or if it just wanted to watch me crash and burn once again for its own entertainment, but I was given this miraculous chance to get my sister back.
It was a wish I kept on making despite knowing its futility. I never expected this to happen. But this was good. The system can tell me to do literally anything and I would do it if it meant I could see my sister again.
I would do it while complaining, like I do every day, but I'd do it nonetheless.
That's why when I found myself in this very dorm one morning and was told that I had to debut with a group I did not want anything to do with, I followed through.
But this shitty system!
I wasn't very good at being an idol, but I thought I was an experienced enough adult by now that I wouldn't ever be scammed by sweet-talking salesmen. Unfortunately, it seemed like I became a child being lured by candy when it came to my sister.
I suspected it, but I don't know why I never properly thought it through. After all, the system had enough power to turn back time, alter my past, and put me, a certified klutz, in this godforsaken group. So of course it can change details regarding my sister, too.
But it was fine. A contract meant that both parties expected something from each other. The system might have the upper hand, being my superior of sorts, but I'm Kim Iwol, 29 year-old (or should I technically be older now?) office worker who has spent many, many hours reading through my contract at Hanpyoung Industry and the Korean labor laws. I know my rights.
So what if I basically threatened the system to give me the information I wanted? In the first place, all I did was claim the employee benefits that they were unilaterally keeping away from me.
While I don't completely trust the system, the information it has provided me so far has been accurate. This must mean that wherever my sister was, she was indeed just fine.
I should be happy about this. And I am! It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. But for some reason, I still feel uneasy. So I decided to try and organize my thoughts.
What if my sister was truly no longer within the grasp of our parents?
I got out of that place differently than I originally did. I ended up cutting ties with our parents. So maybe she did as well?
What if she's in an environment that reflects her current conditions?
The system said she's good overall, so that must mean she's in a safe place that allowed her to feel that way.
I know that if I fail to meet my KPIs she'll end up dead again, but what if forcing our reunion to happen ends up ruining things for her?
I can't contact her. I can't even remember where she lives. But I have never received any messages or calls from her either.
Unlike with me whose every action is being monitored, the system has never shown that it can interfere with other people's actions. Then, was it of my sister's own volition that she hasn't reached out to me at all?
And it's such a small sample size that I can't use it as an accurate basis…but before and after time rewound, the people I've met up until I was 20 years old didn't seem to have different thoughts about me. I mean, my parents still didn't care about me, and Min Jukyung still ended up scouting me after all. Why would my sister be different?
Didn't that mean that my sister was fine even without my presence in her life?
I don't know. If it were me, I'd be glad to be rid of such a nuisance. If some higher being gave me the choice of never getting involved with Manager Nam ever again, I wouldn't even think twice about my decision.
But my sister was kinder than I am. There's no way she'd feel that way about me, right?
But what if it is indeed different?
What if the system made it different?
What if when the reunion happens, my sister will take one look at me and decide that she's already happy with the way things are and push me away?
Would I be fine with that?
No, not really. I felt like if that were to happen, my heart would break into a million pieces. But if that's what she wanted, I'd accept her decision. Her happiness has always been my lifelong wish.
Even if it meant that I'd still be alone in this lifetime, I feel like I'd be able to breathe a tiny bit easier knowing that my sister was alive and well.
Ah, whatever…no matter what the case was, I had no other choice but to meet my KPIs anyway. I've already spent too many hours thinking about something that I can't even confirm.
Seriously, I don't get why my name changing from ‘Hyoil’ to ‘Han’ was causing me to worry this much about my sister. If anything, I should be more worried about what kind of stuff will surface on social media.
But I just can't help it…once I started, I couldn't stop worrying about my sister…
Really, I should think about what to do tomorrow. Predicting the reactions should be the first thing and then I'll go from there. Ah, no, wait, the sun is gonna rise soon and I've yet to even reach my bed. Hah…I'm so tired.