Archive of Our Own

A note had been slipped to Rockin' Robin - not Robin, but Rockin' Robin. This was unusual. Steve had slipped it to her during their break when they just let the music play uninterrupted.

"Hey, you've got mail," and he threw the note at her.

Hands flying up to catch it, and with a lot of struggling, Robin grabbed the note, "hey! Asshole…"

Steve ruffled her hair, like a dingus. He walked over to peer over her shoulder, "so, what's it say?"

"Give me a second! Jeez…" she mumbled, opening the envelope and slipping out the note to read.

"So…?"

'Dear Rockin' Robin,

I love how you can just talk. How you can be yourself. I wish I could do that. I understand if you decide to reject what I'm about to ask - but I have to.

Do you think I could take up hosting the radio at night?

I know there's no schedule for nights at the Squawk, and I can't seem to sleep lately. You're always so carefree when you talk on the Squawk - I wish I could be like that. Like you.

Not afraid.

But I also know that I could never be as brave as you - I could never be honest knowing everyone knew who I was. So I understand if maybe you were considering allowing me the late night slot before, but have changed your mind now. I just had to ask. I'm sorry.

Ig If by some miracle you decide you're willing to allow a possible stranger to host without ever actually meeting them, play 'Take On Me' by a-ha tomorrow, first song after 8. Please. I'll be at the station for 10pm if you do. But don't advertise it. Again, please.

If not - and I totally understand if not - play 'Under Pressure' by Queen and David Bowie instead.

Thank you, if you read this.

From, a friend.'

The note was typewritten, to hide the possibility of identifying them through their handwriting. There was only one mistake, giving Robin the - probably wrong - impression the writer had tried several times to get the note right before finally giving up.

"Rob…?" Steve nudged her.

"Someone wants to take up the late night slot."

"Oh? who is it?"

"I don't know."

He blinked, "what do you mean you 'don't know?' What- someone wants to join without us knowing who they are?"

"Yeah," Robin breathed, "they do."

She looked up at Steve, "I think we should let them."

"What? Why? We don't know who this is- what if they find the basement? How do we get them out if there's a crawl?"

"We can hide it. I know we can."

Steve bit his lip, looking off before turning to his best friend. He pinched his nose and took a sharp breath, "it's your call. I trust you."

——

"Mike! Hurry up!" Holly yelled to her brother.

"Yeah, Mike!" Will joined in.

"I'm going! I'm going!" The boy in question yelled back, tugging on his shoes as he hopped to his bike.

"Come on! Come on! We're gonna miss it! We're gonna miss it!" Holly squealed as she started to bike off, Will not far behind.

Finally reaching his bike, Mike scrambled on and peddled to catch up as well as fiddling with the radio attached to his bike.

"—is first song is a special request from a friend of mine," Robin's voice crackled through the static, the first part of her morning talk having already been missed, "so buckle in, folks! Get ready for 'Take On Me' by a-ha."

It was just as the song started the play that Mike caught up with Will and Holly.

"Take on me, huh?" Will commented, his voice giving away his thoughtfulness in the moment, "I didn't know Robin was into this kinda song."

"Who cares? It's a good song!" Holly laughed, peddling away and slowing down to allow the two boys to catch up every so often.

Mike spoke, voice full of something Holly didn't notice and Will chose not to dwell on, "she said it was a 'special request' from a friend or something like that, so…"

"Right…" Will trailed off.

——

The Squawk Station officially ends at eight every night. Sometimes it ends earlier, or goes on a little longer - but on paper, it ends at eight.

it was now twenty to ten. Robin and Steve had left over an hour ago, and the door was unlocked. He slipped inside, he'd been so relieved when he'd heard 'Take On Me' that morning. Robin was taking a chance on him, and it was terrifying but relieving all the same. He wondered down to the recording booth.

It was filled with little pieces of paper - dotted everywhere. They labelled everything, and a notebook sat on the chair, explaining what everything did and how to use it. It left him feeling reassured and slightly more confidant than he had been when he'd sent the letter to begin with.

Settling in was easier than he'd thought it would be.

He'd grabbed a few records to play between his ramblings, and turned everything he needed on except the actual broadcast button. Taking a deep breath, he sat on the chair, put the headphones over his ears and held the microphone close as he whispered a prayer to anyone listening. Then he hit the broadcast button.

——

"Hello, Hawkins. If you're listening to this you've either been given a note from a little birdy, or you've forgotten to turn off the Squawk from earlier. Don't worry - I have permission to be here, I didn't break in just to announce my presence on the radio or anything. Maybe I should start over- hi, I'm…" he trailed off, confidence wavering.

Maybe this was stupid. Maybe he shouldn't have done this. Maybe he was stupid, and never going to feel comfortable in his won skin.

"Perceval."

The name he settled on was Perceval - from King Arthur. Maybe one day he'd gather the courage to admit who he really was.

"I'm Perceval. Not really, but it feels like you've got to have a name to introduce yourself with when you're sitting in a recording booth. I hope, if you are listening, that you don't mind me not being honest about who I am. I can't even be honest to myself, so don't take it personally. Please.

"Anyway, the first song of tonight; Should I Stay Or Should I Go, by The Clash."

——

It had been a few months of the strange new late night radio host, the party weren't entirely sure what to make of him. He'd gained popularity as people accidentally left the radio on and then overheard his ramblings and music - which lead people to start gossiping about who it could be. Yet the gossip was never more than whispers or shared notes, never loud enough to be considered a proper conversation. It was as though no one was ready to properly acknowledge him.

There had been much worry within the party when they first discovered it, Mike leading the charge as he yelled to Robin and Steve, "we don't even know who this is! You don't even know who he is! How can we trust him? How can we be sure he won't come by mid crawl?"

"Yeah!" Lucas back him up, "how do we know it's safe to even let him in here?"

Panic had flashed in Robin's eyes as she considered the question she hadn't before. Steve, however, cut in - saving her from her panic, "we can just tell him to make sure he tunes in to the end of each of Rob's slots and make a comment about him not being able to make it that night if we need him out. Or leave him a note telling him not to come on a specific day if we know in advance - and if he doesn't follow it we fire him. Simple, Mike. And Lucas, it's just a guy - seems like one of your classmates. Worse comes to comes he's just grade-a asshole, okay?"

Mike's glare didn't let up, but he did let out a huff and fall into his seat. Lucas rolled his eyes and nursed his coke, fingers pulling at the tab of the can.

"You better keep to that, Steve," Dustin said, something tinging his voice - a beg for a promise. Will didn't think he was talking about Perceval.

"Course I will, Henderson," his voice was defensive, but soft in that way it always was with Dustin.

Will spoke up, "I like that there's a late night host. It makes the night feel less lonely."

From the corner of eye, he noticed Mike's face scrunch up, and a frown paint his lips.

"Thank you!" Robin yelled, hands flying out to point to him, "and it makes us seem less like the cover we are!"

"I still don't trust it," Mike mumbled, arms crossed over his chest.

"You don't have to trust it, you just have to accept it," Will said softly, hand resting reassuringly on the other's arm.

Percival had gotten his own set of keys to the station the next evening, with a note that read 'so we don't have to leave the door unlocked every night,' and instructions to always listen to the Squawk at seven at night before clocking in. He'd become comfortable in the role of radio host - forgetting who he was in the day, who he was with others - and had fallen into the role of Percival practically perfectly.

——

The latest crawl had ended just after midnight, and the next day Will looked dead on his feet, Mike not too far behind to the grave either.

"Woah, guys," Lucas had gone when he met with the two of them the next day, "you two look like death."

"Yeah, we feel it," Mike mumbled, the bags under his eyes prominent as ever.

Will hummed in agreement, his own face looking pale, "I was surprised I managed to fall asleep at all last night. We weren't even up that late - I don't know why we're so tired."

"I feel like I never sleep at all anymore…" was all the murmur Lucas could make out before the bell rang and the rush to class began. It was too quiet to quite make out who had said it.

——

"— I don't sleep anymore at night - did you know that? I've never said it, but is it so hard to put two and two together? Let's go over it; I'm in high school - did you guess that already? I thought it was obvious - so I can't sleep in the day, I'm here from half ten at night until whatever-o'clock in the morning, and then I've got to get home. Without getting noticed. Do you know how exhausting that is?

"… probably not. I doubt any of you have secret hobbies like this. Unless you're, like, lying to your friends about being me - which is so not cool. Or you've got your own secret little side gig or something - which is so cool. Anyway, as usual, if you wanna talk about anything - and don't mind the fact that its being broadcast all over Hawkins - feel free to call in at 765-355-9775. That's 765-355-9775, if you wanna talk. Now, get ready for the next song; Heroes, by David Bowie."

The guitar kicked in, and Perceval sat back tried to breath. School had been hell that day, the party busy trying to prepare for the next crawl - whenever that would be - and also discussing the mysterious Perceval.

Dustin wanted to at least learn his identity and suggested someone stay in the basement to try and catch a glimpse of him one night, Lucas had shut that down immediately;

"We don't know when the next crawl is gonna be, Dustin. We need all the sleep we can get," he'd sighed, "I mean, just look at those two - and that's only after a crawl. They still got home at like, what? One in the morning latest? This Perceval guy doesn't end until like two a.m. - earliest."

"Three a.m.," Will and Mike had corrected at the same time, they shared a look after. Both boys had seemed confused at the other's response.

Ignoring them - a skill he was very well versed in - Lucas continued, "either way, we can't afford to miss that kind of sleep, okay Dustin? We need to be focused to get this son of a bitch."

"Right. Yeah. He doesn't matter, not in the bigger picture. We need to focus on avenging Eddie–"

"– and Max."

"And Max. Of course and Max," Dustin's face softened as he regarded Lucas, whose gaze was wavering. He reached out a hand to the other's shoulder, "we'll get her back. She'll– she has to be okay. She will be, she's strong. You know she is."

"Yeah, she always beat you in arm wrestles - didn't she, Dustin?" Mike asked, a smirk on his lips - but worry etched in his brow.

"Wha–! Mike! Don't go admitting that in front of Will! He didn't need to know! How's he gonna let me be his big strong knight in shining armour now?"

"Oh please," Lucas drawled, "we all know Mike has you beat as Will's knight in shining armour."

"Paladin - actually," Will corrected, a grin taking up his face.

Mike, in turn, was beat red, "okay, maybe we should move on now!"

And they had.

The song came to its end, and the phone ringing became clear. No one had called in the several months he'd been doing this. He wasn't sure if he was ready. He would have to be, he thought, as he'd advertised the option. There was no choice to be made as he placed the phone on the recorder and responded through the microphone.

"Hello there, we have our first caller ever for my slot. I've never done this before so I hope I get it right. You are live, caller."

"Hi," came through his headphones.

"Hello."

A silence took over the line. Neither one said anything a for a moment too long.

"Are you… did you… was this an accident?"

"No. I- I wanted to talk to you. I've wanted to since- since I first heard you, actually," the stranger spoke carefully, a shyness making its way into his voice, "I just… never had the courage until tonight."

"… can I ask what changed?" Perceval ventured, hesitantly.

"I don't know. Maybe its the fact that its practically three in the morning, or- or the fact that I haven't slept in what feels like days. Or maybe its just because I have been listening to you talk at night religiously since the your first week after Robin let it slip that time."

"Oh," he felt almost speechless, "I guess I never really considered the idea that people would actually want to listen to me, let alone call in. I… was there anything you wanted to- to talk about? I don't think anyone else is gonna call in tonight…"

"I… I just like hearing you talk, I think I wanted to know you were real."

Despite his nerve, Perceval let out a light giggle, "guilty as charged, my friend."

The smile of the mysterious caller was felt through the phone line, "you're funny. You… have a way of making sleepless night something to look forward to rather than dread."

Blinking, Perceval found himself blushing - and incredibly grateful no one could see him, "thank you… uh- so, what can I call you, stranger?"

"Well, if you're Perceval, I'll be Lancelot."

"Yeah? Well, Lancelot, something tells me we're going to get along quite well."

——

Lancelot kept calling in, and Perceval kept answering.

"So, what? There's two of them now?" Lucas asked, rubbing a hand over his face.

Dustin's hands flew everywhere, "well- yes? But also no? There's still only one host, but he's got a regular now."

"Why do we care about this?" Mike complained - leaning dramatically over the cafeteria table.

"Yeah, Dustin," Will chimed in, "why do we care that Perceval now has a regular; Lance- Lancelot or whatever?"

"It's a clue! A clue I tell you!"

Listen, Mike was happy Dustin was acting like himself a little more now, but he just wished it was because of literally anything else. He didn't want to hear his unwinding theories about how Perceval must be the guy from his English class, because 'he's always yawning, and never pays attention.' Mike very helpfully pointed out how he probably just doesn't like English. The problem was that when he wasn't theorising over their mysterious host, Dustin was pissing off the jocks and trying to pick fights.

"Dustin, I don't think Lancelot knows who Perceval is," sighed Will, picking at his lunch.

"But he could! You don't know!" he exclaimed.

——

"My friends keep trying to figure out who I am. I don't… I don't know how to lie them. I mean- I do. I have lied, I just-" Perceval took a deep breath, it stuttered in his chest, "I just don't know how long I can keep it up. I don't know how long I can keep it up."

"I get what you mean," Lancelot nodded along - wherever, whoever, he was. Since that first call, he hadn't missed a broadcast and they had slowly turned from Perceval rambling to the void, to Lancelot occasionally calling in, to Lancelot calling as soon as he heard Perceval's voice leave the radio, "my friends have started trying to speculate on my identity recently. I don't know how to do it either. I really don't want to, but I… I can't not. I like this. Us. I like the quiet."

"I know what you mean."

"I like… I like talking to you. In my day to day life, sometimes I feel like no one sees me. I feel like- like even my friends who are always there for me just… can't bring themselves to look closer and just see me. Sometimes I think that they just see right through me, not really seeing me for who I am- but for who I've always been. Which is me, but… but I am different, and I have changed. I just- wish that they could accept that I'm not that little boy anymore. I'm just me."

"Yeah?"

"Sometimes it feels like they're all allowed to grow up but I have to stay the same," Lancelot whispered.

"I think I know what you mean."

——

"— I just think its ridiculous! I mean, who would have thought anyone would want to listen to me! I went out on a limb when I asked to do this and now I hear people talking about me without ever actually talking about me! I didn't even think anyone would ever actually find out about this - least of all choose to listen to me. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, that I'll wake up and this will all have been a dream. I think that scares me, that this outlet I have that lets me express some of my deepest thoughts - and some of my dumbest thoughts - was just… nothing. That it was never real to begin with. It almost feels too good to be true on the bad days, on the days when I can barely convince myself to get out of bed and get dressed and eat breakfast and face my friends.

"I don't know. I think I'm just terrified to exist. Anyway, enjoy the next song by an artist very close to a friend of mine, so I don't wanna hear any complaints! Running Up That Hill, by Kate Bush."

It still didn't feel real sometimes, he wasn't sure it ever would. Sometimes he wasn't sure he knew why he was doing it at all.

——

There was another crawl a week later.

"Why has no one ever told me about this!" Nancy yelled, hands gesturing towards a nearby radio.

Sheepish looks crossed the room, and no one wanted to speak up.

"Well?" she raised a brow, turning to Robin.

"Uh-" the girl in question stammered, "it just… never came up?"

"And you just, what?, never thought to mention it?" her hands flew into the air.

"I- I mean… yeah? It never seemed important enough to mention - we handled it, you know?" Robin spoke quickly, "we set up precautions to make sure he's never here during a crawl, made sure he knows to check in at seven so that he never accidentally shows up. And its- its been going great for the past- what? Ten?- months?"

"What?" Nancy snapped, turning properly to face Robin, "this has been going on for ten months? And none of you thought to tell me?!"

Robin's face soured, as though she were eating a lemon, and Steve placed a hand on her shoulder - as if to comfort. He ran his over hand through his hair, "look Nance, we're sorry. We just-"

"Nothing ever happened with it," Mike cut in.

Nancy gave a scathing glare at her brother, "what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"What I said," he responded as though she were thick, "he's never shown up mid crawl and he doesn't seem to be snooping. If he were I bet it would be all over the radio, and we wouldn't be here right now."

"Yeah," Will agreed, a sheepish smile on his face when Nancy's glare - although it was softer than it had been for Mike - landed on him, "Nancy- he hasn't done anything that we need to be worrying about. That's why we never mentioned it. He just… He talks about the mundane things, its- its refreshing."

Her face tightened, and her lips thinned, "he hasn't done anything yet," she let out a deep sigh, "but. If you guys are so certain that he hasn't screwed us over in ten months- I'm still pissed at that, by the way!- then I guess he can stay."

She wasn't happy about it, that was clear, but she had agreed. Now all the party could do was feel bad about not telling her- really, it was a miracle she hadn't found out sooner!

"But if Joyce and Hopper find out, you're on your own!" she called out as she walked off; where to, Mike wasn't sure - he hadn't really been paying attention.

——

"Mike," El called out at the end of the crawl.

"Yeah?" he walked over to her - his eyes kept not on his girlfriend, but her dad.

"I need to talk to you- tomorrow. Just us," she spoke in that steady way that only she did, her words fell out of her mouth like she considered each one as carefully as possible every time.

Mike blinked, his eyes darting from where Hopper spoke loudly with Mrs Byers - both entirely unaware of the rest of the world - to El. His words came out a stutter and his brows furrowed, "uh- what? Sorry- just, why not now?"

Her eyes drifted across the room, her face pinched like that time she'd tried her first warhead, "now is not… the right time. Come to the cabin tomorrow, please."

"Okay… sure, of course," he nodded, eyes drifting back to ensure Hopper was still occupied.

——

The correct pattern for knocks had been drilled into Mike's head since he was thirteen years old - at least - yet still it did not come as naturally as just pounding his fists on a door and yelling.

The door opened as Mike barely finished the last knock of the pattern.

"Hi."

"… hey?" Mike gave a wave as naturally as he could - awkwardly.

"Come in," El grabbed his hand and pulled him into the cabin.

She could have ignored Mike's nervous glances around the room, could have let him wallow in his fear. She didn't, because she was kind like that - so much kinder than Mike deserved.

Her voice was soft, "Hopper is not here, he and Joyce are improving my training course."

"Right," he nodded, just as soft.

"They will be a while because they are alone together," she answered his unspoken question, unaware of the implications of what she had said. She was simply stating a truth.

Mike scrunched his face at the idea of Mrs Byers and Hopper making out.

They sat next to each other on her bed, neither spoke for a time that stretched on forever for Mike.

"What… what did you want to talk about?"

El took a deep breath, "I love you."

"I- I know," his brows furrowed, a confused smile crossing his face, "I care for you, too."

"I love you," she repeated as her face fell at his words, taking hold of his hands, "but we do not work."

"What-" he swallowed - spit or bile he wasn't sure and he didn't care, it felt just as bad either way - before asking as his voice broke, "what do you mean by that?"

"You and I, we do not work like we want to. I know that you want to love me like I love you, but you don't," tears were starting to well in her eyes, and Mike was reminded of being hundreds of miles from home and feeling the same way as he did now.

"I… I do though…" his own eyes were starting to get blurry.

"I am sure that you do love me, Mike," her hand reached up to cradle his face, "but not like I love you."

"I don't… I don't understand… I don't understand…"

"And I don't know how to make you understand."

A thumb brushed away the tears that spilled out of his eyes and down his cheeks.

"I love you like Max loves Lucas, but you love me like Lucas loves Will or Dustin. I… I have come to understand that this won't change. I want to learn to love you the way Max loves Dustin, the way she loves Will. Or even the way she loves you."

Mike set out a snort through his tears, "Max does not love me. Its a mutual hate."

A watery smile broke out on El's face, "she does, she just won't admit it. Like you won't admit you love her too."

"I do not love her," but his voice betrayed his words. His smile fell, as did his tears, as Mike realised they still needed to admit more to each other, "I'm sorry."

"I know," she reached up her other hand to his face to brush away those tears, "I know that you tried. That is the worst part, I think."

"Is it?"

She pursed her lips, mulling over her words. She settled on, "yes. Because I did not choose to love you, I simply did, and you tried so hard to love me back. But it still was not enough. I'm sorry too."

He was already shaking his head, "you don't have anything to be sorry for. Nothing, okay? This is not your fault, so- so please, don't apologise for anything."

"Mike," she whispered after a moment.

"Yeah?" a whisper back.

A grin graced her lips, as tears rolled down her face, "I dump your ass."

Laughter filled the room, and they sat there simply holding each other for as long as the world would allow them.

"El?"

"Jane."

"What?"

"I… I want you to call me Jane, please."

"Anything, Jane."

"Thank you."

"Jane?"

"Yes?"

A beat, then a quiet admission; "I love you."

A sharp intake of breath- and then, as if afraid speaking too loudly will ruin the moment, "I love you too."

——

A radio hummed out a voice through static, somewhere far away from the station it was being recorded in. Similarly, a voice buzzed through a pair of headphones from a phone hooked over a recorder.

"Are you still there?" one of them asked, voice soft.

"Yeah… yeah, I am," the other responded, voice just as soft.

"You just went quiet, is all."

"Sorry."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Anything," was said without hesitation.

"My girlfriend and I broke up recently."

"I'm so sorry to hear that."

"Don't be. I deserve it, it's been a long time coming. To be honest, I'm just surprised it didn't happen before. I was a shitty boyfriend. God, I was such a shitty boyfriend. I couldn't… I didn't love her the way she wanted me to. I wish I did, god do I wish I did, but- I didn't. I couldn't. I don't think I ever did. She deserves so much better than me, and I guess that helps me feel better that we broke up- because I don't think I'd ever have the strength to break up with her."

"Why did you date her if you never loved her?" it was asked without judgement.

"It felt like everyone was pushing me towards her. I didn't- it never even crossed my mind that I might be in love with her until my friends and my sister were all talking about how I was 'so obvious' and 'all over her.' I don't think I was. I just thought she was cool, and I didn't understand why she would want to be friends with a loser like me. I wanted her to like me, but not in that way. But I was young, so I thought I must be in love with her if everyone else could see it."

"… I'm sorry that happened," it was the type of phrase that would usually cause anger for being misconstrued for pity, but from him the sincerity was clear through the distortion of the connection.

"Yeah… so, you got any secrets to share if we're being honest?" a smile was heard by the other.

"I guess… yeah, why not?" a laugh followed, "I'm… oh god, I don't think I've ever said this aloud before."

"You don't have to say it - but if you do, just know I'm here for you. No matter what," it's honest.

"I'm in love with my best friend," a hysterical laugh bubbled out, "oh my god! I'm in love with my best friend! And h- and they don't know at all. They have no idea. I can't… I can't ever tell them because I know that they- they don't feel the same way. They never will. They can't. The worst part is that- that I've loved them for so long, and I've never been able to move on. I've tried, but nothing- no one was them, right? It never felt right. The worst part is that I don't think I'll ever truly move on, no matter how much I try."

"I'm sorry," was whispered, "whoever they are, I'm sure they're missing out. For what it's worth, I do hope it works out for you."

"That means a lot, thank you," was sniffled out, "I hope you find someone you really love, and that they love you back just as much."

"You deserve the same."

——

"I still can't believe you and El broke up!" Dustin exclaimed sitting at lunch one day.

Time had flown by the way it often did when you stopped noticing it - quickly, and without warning.

"I don't get why you're so caught up on this, Dustin. It happened like a month or so ago," Mike had grumbled into his arm, his tray abandoned in front of him.

Lucas raised a brow at that, "what? You haven't been counting down the days until she takes you back?"

"Jane's not… we're not gonna get back together," he shook his head, voice trailing off as he spoke.

"Hey," Will tried for a comforting tone, "I'm sure the two of you will work out whatever this is."

"There's nothing to work out though, Will. We did that, and we both came to the conclusion that we're better off as friends. I don't… I don't get why you guys push us being together so hard," he didn't shout, but there was a pained frustration within his words.

"We never pushed the two of you together, man. That was all you being allll over her," it was clear Lucas was trying to go for light teasing, but it wasn't working. Not this time.

"But I wasn't, Lucas! That's the thing! I just thought she was so cool because I'd never met anyone like her," he pointed at his friend, "you were the one who pushed me into thinking I was in love with her. You made me think that I was supposed to be- that I- I was meant to fall in love with the cool superhero! But I wasn't! Because I never- I couldn't love her that way!"

"… you never loved Jane?" it was Will, soft as silk.

"Not the way you made me think I had to."

The conversation ended there.

——

"I made my best friend think they had to stay in a loveless relationship."

"Oh? How… how did you do that?"

The night was far from young, dawn closer than dusk, and neither the host nor frequent caller could find sleep.

"I told them their… boyfriend needed them, and I… I basically confessed my love for them saying it was really… really him. I shouldn't have done that. I just- I just thought that they were going through a hard time, I didn't think that they really didn't love each other. God… I'm so stupid."

"I'm sure… I'm sure you didn't mean to. I'm sure your friend would understand. You didn't know, they didn't have to listen to you. Maybe… maybe they just needed to work through their own shit on their own. I know I would."

"I didn't know," the words were gasped out.

"You couldn't have known," was whispered reassuringly.

"I'm sorry!"

"I'm sure they would forgive you, I know I would."

A silence filled the line.

Then, a sniffle and- "thank you."

——

"I think I want to tell you something. Something I can't say here, not like this."

"Why can't you say it here?"

"It's not… safe. It's not safe. I don't even think I should be saying it to you, but I need to tell someone. And for some reason I can't put to words, I trust you. Wholly and utterly," Perceval admitted, "is that weird?"

"Only as weird as me trusting you," Lancelot breathed down the line.

"I'm- I'm putting my life in your hands here, and I don't know if anyone else is listening. So I really should not be doing this. I'm so stupid," the last part is muttered out.

"Tell me where you want me to go and when. I'll be there. I… I have access to the radio station in my day to day life. You could leave something there," it was a risky move to admit something like that like this.

"Check the storage box, on the floor in the recording booth. I'll leave it there for you."

There was a pause, before hesitantly, "I'm glad you trust me."

"I'm glad you trust me too."

——

He recorded a message over a tape once his broadcast was over. He didn't want to risk being recognised by his handwriting, but the knowledge of Lancelot having access to the radio station freaked him out - who out of the party could it be?

"Now," the tape began, "this is the part where I say something stupid. I don't want this to change how you think about me, but I know it will - probably, at least. I'm just like you; I have a mom who loves me as much as she can, and a dad who cares as much as he can. I've got siblings I love with every part of me- they make me wanna be a better person, so I can be the brother they deserve. I have friends I care about so much it feels like its killing me some days. And I have a secret. A secret that kills me more and more the more I try to ignore it. I don't- I don't have anyone in my day to day life that I can talk to about this, so I figured 'why not admit it to the one person who's always there, but still doesn't know who I am?'"

A sob is recorded, "I thought it would make it feel better, knowing you don't know me, but I think it makes it worse because I've been so scared you might find out. I have a secret. And I can't keep living with it - I think it would kill me. I'm gay. I like boys. I'm sorry.

"If I… if I had a choice I don't think I'd have chosen this. Oh god, please don't hate me, Lancelot. I think it would kill me if you did," a harsh breath, "I tried so hard to deny this but its only made everything worse and harder- and I think I hate myself. I'm sorry."

The tape ends after that.

Perceval leaves it marked with only a heart drawn in red ink, right where he said he would. Now all that was left for him was waiting for Lancelot's verdict.

——

Why had he done this to himself? He knew it wouldn't end well, so why had he? He answered the phone, as he always did when Lancelot called, "hello. You are live."

"Hi."

There was beat of silence, before Perceval asked, "you're not going to berate me? Tell me I- I'm disgusting or horrible or anything?"

"No. I- I wanted to talk to you," his voice is honest, more than Perceval deserves, "I only got the courage to do so after your admission. I'm… I'm just like you. I have a mom who adores me, and a dad who- who can't care for me in a way that matters - and I've got siblings who always know how to make me feel better, and feel loved. Not to mention my friends, I love them so much but I don't think I could ever tell them just how much.

"And I have a secret that eats me alive at night. I'm just like you."

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh.'"

"So- so you don't hate me?"

"How could I hate you? You're the only person I feel like I can really be myself with, even without that part of me. And I don't want you to hate yourself either."

"I don't deserve you," Perceval laughed, wiping the tears away from his eyes, "I don't deserve you."

His response is a whisper, quiet but confident all the same, "maybe not, but I don't think I deserve you either - so I think that makes us fair."

——

There was a crawl the next day, no one had made it seem like they could be Lancelot, and even then - neither Dustin nor Lucas seemed to have heard those two conversations as they didn't call over Will or Mike to discuss them. Maybe no one else had been awake.

The crawl had ended late and resulted in Nancy and Mike and the Byers sneaking into their own house at one in the morning.

They each crept in their respective directions to their rooms; Mike, Nancy and Mrs Byers upstairs, and Jonathan and Will down to the basement.

As he stepped onto the bottom step, a blinding pain shot up Will's head.

"Shit-" he whispered, reaching up to his temple.

"Hey, what's wrong?" his brother asked, a hand on Will's arm to steady him.

"Nothing, just- just a headache," he gave a shaky laugh.

"Okay, alright," a pause, "goodnight, Will."

"Night, Jonathan."

A crash was heard from upstairs, causing the two brother's heads to shoot up to the door to the basement.

"What was that?"

Will swallowed, "I don't know…"

"Mike?" Nancy's voice shouted - quietly enough to not wake her parents, but loud enough for Will and Jonathan to hear.

"Sorry!" Mike yelped, much like Nancy, before mumbling a barely heard response, "I just fell…"

He had a nasty bruise just above his eyebrow the next morning.

——

"I tried to kill myself last night."

It had been about two hours since Perceval started his broadcast, and he would say it was going well. It was the night after the crawl, and even though he knew he should have been sleeping, he just… couldn't. So he didn't, instead choosing to waste his night talking to no one. Lancelot hadn't called in yet - not that he always did, sometimes he just listened in or he went to sleep. It wasn't like Perceval would know.

The phone rang out in the background - he knew who it would be - and he picked it up only to slam it right back down. He then unhooked it from its holder so no one else could call in. He didn't think he could do it tonight.

"I tried to kill myself last night, oh god- it, uh- it was about three? Half three? in the morning. Everyone was asleep, all of them - no one… no one was awake," a half choked sob, "I went to take some tylenol for a- a headache, I wasn't planning to do anything - I swear," his voice wavered, and tears welled in his eyes, "I just- I… there was a handful left and I just… swallowed all of them. I didn't even- I didn't even think about it- about who was going to find me, dead in the kitchen. It was only after I did it that I realised. I ran to the bathroom; and I–"

His voice cracked, and tears started to glide down his cheeks. In that moment, he'd never been more glad that no one could see him - or that no one knew who he was.

"I made myself throw them up. It was hell, and I'm still surprised no one woke up because of me. I'm sorry. No one would have even known until it was too late- oh god- I- I shouldn't have said anything," he let out a laugh - hysteria painting his voice and his sobs fracturing the noise, "I keep doing this, saying things I really shouldn't and then not wanting to deal with the consequences.

"Oh my god, I tried to kill myself last night again.

"I'm sorry," tears were streaming down his face, his breath hitched as he tried to control his sobs and lungs, "the last song of the night is by Queen, hope you find it fitting; its 'Don't Try Suicide.'"

——

Dustin wasn't smiling the next morning. He'd… if Will were to be honest he'd describe it as shutting down. He wondered what Mike would say, he'd always been more of a writer out of the two of them…

"Guys," Will had pulled the others aside just before lunch, "I think… I think we should avoid mentioning Perceval around Dustin today. I don't think he's doing so well, and last night definitely didn't help."

"Yeah…" Mike was quiet, more so than usual.

Lucas just gave a solid nod.

There was a silence over their table as they each ate their lunch. No one was ready to talk about it, all the while the rest of the cafeteria was completely oblivious to what had occurred the night before. Most people had moved on from the novelty of an anonymous late night radio host anyway, and if they hadn't they'd probably turned it off before hearing the last segment.

"I want to talk about it, please," it was a plea from Dustin.

"There's nothing to talk about," Mike shut down quickly, something dark crossing his eyes.

"Oh- you're one to fucking talk, Mike," he spat the name out.

"Am I? Really? You know you're not the only one mourning, asshole," he muttered the last part, pushing himself back from the table and standing up.

"Wha- Mike! Don't just run off!" Lucas finally chose to speak up.

"Who gives a shit?" he swung his arms out as turned to walk away. He didn't look back.

No one spoke, they didn't know what to say.

"Eddie… Eddie died in my arms. It was-" a sob broke through his words, "it was horrible. When Perc- Perceval spoke about overdosing last night… all I could think of was Eddie's lifeless body in my arms..." he trailed off into sobs and sniffles.

"I… I know what you mean," Lucas admitted quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah… all I think of when I imagine a body in overdose is Max. As she… as she died in my arms. I know- I know that she's not dead- not now- but she was. It was the most scared I'd ever been…"

There was no time for Lucas to collect himself before Dustin flung himself at his friend.

"None of you should have had to go through any of this," Will spoke softly, "neither of them deserved this."

"You shouldn't have had to go through it yourself, Byers."

"Yeah, you didn't deserve this either," Dustin agreed.

——

"I think I deserved every bad thing that's ever happened to me sometimes."

"I don't think you do," crackled across a phone line. Lancelot had tried to ask about that night the next evening, but he'd been shut down quite quickly - he hadn't tried to bring it up since.

"But you don't know me beyond what I say here, I could be some- like- psycho killer or something and you'd never know!"

A giggle filtered through, "you know we don't get many psycho killers in Hawkins of all places. I think I would know if you were. Especially with the quarantine happening."

"Ah but that was my master plan all along! To trap you all here with me!"

"Oh no! However will we escape now! From the murderer who hasn't killed anyone in… what? a year? year and a half?" he seemed to shrug and move on, not that Perceval knew, "whatever will we do now!"

The two of them dissolved into laughter.

As it died down, Perceval sobered up, "I'm being serious though. A lot of shit has happened to the people around me, and- and none of them deserved any of it. Not one of them. But… I've been such a bad friend- brother- everything- that I just…" he took in a deep breath, leaning back in his chair, "I think I deserved to suffer more than I have. I mean, I've barely suffered at all…"

"Would you believe me if I said I knew what you meant?" its quiet, hesitant.

"No," he let out a humourless laugh.

"Well… I do. I know it can seem hard to comprehend- that someone else gets it. But I do. I've… I've grown since, there are people in my life I can trust who have helped me, but I still fall into old habits sometimes."

"I don't have anyone in my life I can to about this. They've all suffered more than me that it would feel like… whining. This is the closest I've got," then again, quieter this time, "this is the closest I've got…"

And wasn't that just depressing.

——

Perceval and Lancelot weren't mentioned again by the party after that broadcast. Mike thinks they stopped listening altogether.

——

Perceval hadn't had a broadcast in a few days, not that he could with the hiatus Robin had announced just after his last broadcast.

Things had been hectic since the last crawl, the loss of Holly- oh god, Holly- and Mike and Nancy's parents, mixed with the loss of Hopper and Jane, and Jonathan, Nancy, Steve and Dustin all to the upside down. Then Will's discovery of his powers and his subsequent coma, and Max finally waking up. Everything had happened so fast and Mike just wanted his baby sister to hold, to make sure she was safe. Holly was never going to escape Mike's hugs after this.

There had barely been time to process everything, yet now here they were; preparing for the final battle as well as they could.

"We're almost ready to go," Mike said, as he knocked on the wall of the room.

"Wait-" Will called out, cutting himself off with a breath, "you should hear this- the rest of the party, too."

"I- okay, yeah. Of course, anything," he left with those words on his tongue.

Mike re-entered the room with Dustin, Lucas, Max and Jane all in tow. They walked in to find Mrs Byers and Jonathan waiting with Will.

"Mike said you wanted to talk to us?" Max asked, her eyes unfocused as they gazed in the vague direction of Will.

"I- yeah. Yeah I did. I need- no. I want to tell you this. Vecna- he showed me a future where all of you are worried about me, but I know you guys. I know you would accept me, but I need to be positive. I'm just like you. I love- I love biking around town with you guys, arguing about the rules of whatever boardgame we're playing and whatever campaign we've just had, and- and I love going to the arcade with you guys. But I'm- I don't like girls. Not… not in the way that Lucas or Dustin likes them, or that Jonathan likes them. I… I'm-" a sob cuts him off before he manages to breathe out, "I'm gay."

The world faded away.

——

"I'm gay."

"Oh honey," his mom wrapped him in a hug without hesitation, she pressed a kiss to his forehead, "I will never think of you any differently. Oh, my boy."

His brother was quick to join the hug, whispering into his hair, "I'm so proud of you."

"Hey man," Lucas began as Mrs Byers and Jonathan pulled away, "I'm glad you felt you could tell us this. You're still my best friend."

The force with which he pulled Will into a hug nearly winded him. A wet laugh bubbled out of his throat, as he hugged Lucas back.

"And mine," Dustin added, eagerly joining the hug, "nothing could ever change that."

Max let out a huff stained with tears, "you're such a dork. I can't hug you, but just imagine I am, tightly."

She couldn't see the grin Will shot her back, but she could feel it.

"What… what?" El asked, her brows pinched together as she looked between her friends and her family, "I do not… I don't understand."

"What don't you understand, El?" Will's voice was soft as he brushed his tears away and turned to his sister.

"Why did you need to- to tell us like this? Why are we crying?" her voice was small, in the way it went when she didn't understand something everyone else around her did.

"People… people don't like that some boys don't like girls, or that some girls don't like boys. It's… it's very scary not knowing who you can and can't tell about this because if you tell the wrong person it could ruin your life. At least for a bit, until you find somewhere new where no one knows who you are."

"Oh…" she breathed out, "I'm sorry, Will. You don't deserve that."

No one said anything, until Will hesitantly whispered, "Mike?"

He hadn't said anything since they'd all piled into the room. All eyes turned to him.

"Mike?" El asked, concern growing in her tone as she shared looks with the rest of the room.

He was sat on the couch, his eyes rolled back into his head.

"MIKE!"

"Shit-!"

"Fuck-!"

——

"Michael," the voice broke through the haze.

"Hello?"

"You… have been the pain in my side for too long," it was closer now.

"I- I don't… who's there?" his head turned in every direction he could find, too many directions. There shouldn't be that many directions, should there?

"It matters not who I am. I was your beginning, and now I shall be your ending."

"What are you talking about?" new directions appeared for him to search through, "what are you talking about?!"

"I am here to ruin you as I once did. Watching you cause you're own undoing will be so… satisfying."

——

Mike woke up with a sharp breath.

"Mike!"

"… Will?" his head whips up, searching around for directions that no longer exist.

"Mike!"

He doesn't see the other, no matter how far he looks around, and then-

The answer crashes directly into his chest.

"Mike! Oh god, I'm so glad you're okay!"

He can only blink in response, "am I?"

"Wha-?" Will pushes him back to look at his face, before nodding as he blinked away tears, "yeah. Yeah, you are. You're alive, and here. And- and everything's gonna be okay."

"What… what happened?"

"Do you not…? Vecna got you."

"Oh. That…" his brows furrowed, "that explains a lot."

"What did he show you? Actually-" his face turned searching, not from Mike, but from someone who was far away, "how did you get out?"

"I don't… I think he let me go. I have a really bad feeling about all of this, Will. I have a really bad feeling about all of this."

"I-"

They were interrupted by Robin running into the room, "RUN! RUN! SHIT-!"

"Fuck! I thought we had more time! Shit! Okay!" Will grabbed Mike by his wrist and dragged him into a run.

"Wha-!" but there was no time for Mike to finish his question.

As he looked around the area they were running through, he realised they were in the Upside Down. He stared at the boy in front of him - dragging him like it was only instinct - and the girl ahead of them. What had he missed?

——

When they finally came to a pause, Mike turned to the others.

"What the hell is going on?"

Will bit his lip as he looked away, "after I… after I told you, your eyes rolled into the back of your head. We realised that- that Vecna had you, but no music was working. Nothing was breaking you out. Mike, you were stuck in a trance for hours. We thought… we thought you were gone, but he never broke your bones. I was so scared, Mike."

"I… I'm sorry I put you through that," it was the least he could be sorry for.

"It's not your fault," Will denied, his eyes glistening as they stared into Mike's soul - oh, how he didn't deserve Will, "we decided it was best to go through with the plan after the first half hour, but I- we- didn't want to leave you behind so we brought you with us. God, I'm so glad you're okay."

"So… where are we?" he tried, feeling he should recognise where he was.

"The radio station, but in the Upside Down. The others have started climbing the radio tower already, if you wanna join us. I don't know if you should though."

As Will spoke, Mike turned his attention to Robin, who had not said a word, "Robin?"

Her head shot up, "uh- yeah?"

"What, uh- what were we running from?" his head felt foggy and dizzy, like he was still stuck in that void full of directions.

Robin gave him a look, "did you not see the massive demogorgon heading straight for us?"

"Yeah, yeah. 'Course I did. Sorry," he lied, unsure of how convincing he really was.

"I… I don't think its safe you to come to the Abyss right now, little Wheeler," she crossed her arms over her chest and stole a glance outside the nearest window.

"I don't care. I don't care. That where- where Holly is. I have to- no, I need to be there for her," he stressed. That was his baby- lost and trapped with a psychotic maniac! How could he not be there for her.

"Mike-"

Will cut Robin off, "I get it. Really, I do, Mike. But you have to keep yourself safe. For Holly."

"No, Will. I have to be there for Holly. I need to make sure she's okay as soon as I can. I'm not risking her safety over my own," he stood up and started to pace, trying to emphasise his point as best as he could. He stared the two of them down, "I'm not taking a no on this."

There was a beat of silence, before Robin sighed, "alright little Wheeler. Fine. You can join us in the Abyss."

——

"Mike!" Nancy yelled, running up to her brother and forcing him into a hug just like she had all those years ago.

"Nancy," he breathed out.

She pushed him away to check over him, "I'm so glad you're okay, I was so worried about you!"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm okay. I'm okay, Nancy," he pulled her back into a hug, tighter than before.

"Are you… are you gonna be okay climbing up there?"

Mike swallowed, "I have to be. For Holly."

Nancy nodded her head gently, "yeah. Come on."

——

The Abyss was sandy.

No one had warned Mike just how sandy it would be. Walking towards where they hoped Vecna and Holly would be, he was reminded of last year - driving through a random desert in the middle of nowhere to find his at-the-time girlfriend. Rocks towered over them as they walked, yet the position of the sun failed to provide any shade.

The mass of flesh that made up the physical body of the mind flayer came into view. It was so… grotesque.

The fight itself was easy. Eerily so. Mike had been threatened with undoing and yet the party had won so easily.

It was only after Mike had ensured Holly was okay (thank god his sister was okay, that's his baby sister. How could he not have protected her better-) and everyone was piled into the van out the upside down that Mike let himself consider everything. Where had the demogorgons gone? Why hadn't there been any in the Abyss? What about the bats Nancy and Steve had seen? Where had they gone?

All these questions fled Mike's mind as he desperately fought against the arms of the soldiers that were stopping him from running to Jane as she stood in the Upside Down as it collapsed from a bomb he had made. Suddenly he was twelve years old again; forced to watch someone die to save him, to watch her sacrifice what little she could at the cost of the life she'd only just gained, Mike was forced to watch as the blood of his friend began to stain his hands once more.

He pushing against the soldier until-

He fell into something damp. The direction filled void back, but the air was stale unlike before.

Jane rushed to tell him something about how he always understood her.

"But I couldn't even understand why you broke up with me? How could I ever understand your decision?" he pleaded with her, tears cascading down his face. He couldn't let her kill herself- not like this. He couldn't do this again.

She dismissed his words and cupped his face. Jane's forehead lightly bumped into Mike's own, and she whispered the words she'd hated Mike for never saying. He couldn't say it even then, left grasping at anything to gain some semblance of footing to understand what was happening. Everything was happening so fast, and then he was pulled into a kiss she knew he could never return.

Her last words echoed the ones she'd said the first time she'd died in front of him.

And then the void disappeared, and everything was supposed to be over.

——

It had been months since the end of… everything.

Robin and Steve kept the radio station as no one had come back to claim it, nor had anyone else tried to take it. No one except the party seemed to actually know where it was. This meant Perceval was back, but… nothing was right. Not after that final fight.

"— I'm running out of time. I sound crazy and- and insane and you know what? Fuck it! I think I am going insane. I get nightmares- I've had them for years, but recently I've been getting non-stop nose bleeds and I'm sick of it! Everything was supposed to be over! We were supposed to be fucking normal! Because if not, then what the hell was all of this for?! What the hell was all of this for! It's not fair!

"I'm going to die soon. I know… I know death has been a shitty topic for this show but its true. I'm not saying this to- to make you pity me, or- or try to save me, because you can't save me. You can't save me. Nothing you do will save me. It was supposed to be over, but its not and that means her death was for nothing and I'm so not ready to face that. Because it was my fault. She died because of me, her blood is on my hands - no one else's. And it sucks, so bad.

"I can't talk to anyone about this. Not properly. I think something's wrong."

It's in this moment that Perceval has a realisation, "holy shit. Holy shit. Do you remember the flakes that were in the air when Hawkins spilt open? We've been contaminated. We're all screwed. I'm still going to die soon, I just hope someone who knows how to help with everything else is listening."

——

"I'm going to die tomorrow. If- if I'm not killed I'm going to kill myself. Nothing is right, not with me, my friends- fuck, my mom. My dad's dead, did I ever tell you that? He died in a home invasion, my mom almost died too. I'm going to die without anyone knowing who I am," he was gasping for air as his eyes filled with tears.

"Not- not my name, or who I am beyond this. But also- there's so much the people I care about don't know, and I don't know how to tell them. I wanted people to look at me, to see me. Why can't you look at me? Why can't you LOOK AT ME? I'M HERE AND I'M ALIVE! I EXIST! I'M REAL!" he screamed into the mic, distortion filling his words through the radio on the other end, "I have to be…

"I have to be real… I- I don't wanna die. I really don't wanna die, but the world keep trying to kill me. First when I was twelve, then thirteen, fourteen, sixteen, and now. I'm not ready to die, please don't make me. I can't do this, please. I- I can't do this…"

——

"I know who Perceval is," Will said as he burst into his living room where he had gathered the party.

"Wha- okay?" Dustin rubbed at his eyes as he spoke, having been woken up at fuckass o'clock in the morning and forced to bike all the way to a cabin in the middle of the woods, "why couldn't this have waited until we were awake?"

"Yeah, Will," Max murmured, her voice quiet with sleep, "some of us actually like to sleep."

Lucas just nodded into her shoulder, his eyes closed.

"It can't wait, not if we want him to live," he knew he should get to the point, but he was terrified to say the words aloud.

The room woke up at his words.

"What- who's going to die?" Lucas demanded, eyes wide open now.

"Mike," it was whispered as though saying it any louder would make it so much more real, "Mike is Perceval."

"Oh my god," the realisation hit Dustin, "he tried to kill himself and we didn't even know. He tried to kill himself and we brushed him off…"

"What do you mean? What the hell is going on!" Max was yelling, "and more importantly, why is Mike in danger now?"

"He's convinced he's going to die tomorrow. And- and he said if he isn't killed that he's- oh my god-" Will cuts himself off with a sob, his chest heaving as he throws the words up, "he said if he isn't killed, he's going to kill himself."

"Shit," someone says.

Hopper stormed into the room at that moment, "what the hell is going on?"

"Mike's in danger," Dustin was the one who spoke up.

Joyce trailed in at those words, "what?"

"Mom," Will ran over and took her hands, "we need to help Mike."

Her eyes softened at her son, before hardening with determination, "yeah, we will."

——

The quarry was quiet at this time of night- or, morning rather? Mike wasn't even sure of what time it was. The air was cold as the wind blew up the water from below, Mike shivered. The sky was clear for once, the stars twinkling up there without a care in the world. If only he could be that carefree. If only he could be a star.

Jumping could do that. If he were dead, maybe he would end up in the sky with the stars. Wouldn't that be nice?

The rocks below were just as enticing as they'd been all those years ago. Before, Mike had had a noble reason for why he'd jumped - he wasn't so sure he had one now.

The moon and the stars were reflected in the water below, and Mike wanted so so badly to join them. All he had

to do

was

jump-

"MIKE!" someone screamed as arms circled around his waist and pulled.

Mike gasped for air as though he hadn't been breathing before, clutching at the arms that circled him like a hug as though they were a lifeline.

"Oh my god, Mike," the voice breathed, "what the hell were you thinking!? You could have died!"

But he didn't respond, he just kept clutching the arms - trying to convince himself it was real. One arm removed itself from him, reaching out to instead grab a radio.

"I found him," its spoken into the radio, "we're at the quarry."

Through static, someone replies, "get him to the cabin as soon as you can. We'll meet you there. Over and out."

"Mike, Mike," the voice was gentle and soft, a hand landed on his arm and the thumb stroked it tenderly. Then, whispered into Mike's hair, "I need you to listen to me, okay?"

He felt so… out of it. Everything felt unreal. He just nodded into the chest behind him.

"I'm going to pick you up, okay Mike? And then we're going to our cabin, where we'll meet the rest of the party, yeah?" the softness never left the voice, and Mike could feel himself falling asleep as it spoke. There was a moment of hesitation, before a soft kiss was pressed to the top of his head, "everything's gonna be okay, Mike."

"Pr'mise?" he slurred out, just barely staying awake long enough to hear the voice whisper an affectionate 'promise.'

——

Mike awake on the couch of the Byers cabin. His eyes fluttered open slowly, as light filtered in through the closed curtains. Murmurs made themselves known to his ears as fast as he woke up. He let out a groan as he sat up with a stretch. The realisation hit him part way through. He should be dead.

The conversations around him had stopped now. Mike swallowed, "I don't wanna talk about it."

"No, Mike," Hopper voice was firm, from the other side of the room where he sat with a teary Joyce and Will, "you don't get to brush this off."

"Oh- what do you care, you asshole!" he yelled at the other, uncaring of how he would react for once.

Hopper was quick to anger, "don't you yell at me, you little punk!"

"Oh fuck off, Hopper!"

"Guys-"

"I don't care what you think of me, you're just an asshole!" Mike continued.

"Guys-!"

"Well so are you!"

"GUYS!" Will yelled, finally gaining their attention, "shut up."

Mike crossed his arms with a huff, while Hopper scoffed and wrapped an arm around Joyce.

"Mike," Will began, walking over to stand in front of him, "we need to talk about last night."

"No."

"What?" Max asked incredulously from where she sat between Dustin and Lucas, "the hell do you mean 'no?' You don't get to do that, Wheeler!"

"Yeah. Actually I do, Max," he snapped at her, more heat in his words than he usually used, "because I've figured it out."

"Figured what out, Mike?" Nancy sighed, a weight to her shoulders that made the guilt festering in Mike's stomach worsen. She pushed off the wall she leaned against - away from Jonathan who stood next to her. She threw her arms out, "what is there to figure out?"

"We've been flayed."

No one said anything for what felt like forever.

"What? Like- like we're all Vecna'd right now?" Lucas' brows furrowed at his own line of thinking.

"Well- yeah, but… but no- not Vecna'd exactly. Flayed," Mike corrected, pushing up off the couch to begin to pace only to be pushed back down by Will's hands on his shoulders - a plea in his eyes to stay sat down. He did, "the Mind Flayer got us."

"What do you mean, Mike?" someone asked, Mike stopped paying attention.

"Remember- remember when Hawkins split in four and all the flakes of the Upside Down were in the air, and that we were all breathing it in?" he asked, not looking up to see if anyone nodded, "I think we've slowly been getting flayed. I- I mean, it was so easy to kill Vecna, right? And what actually happened to those flakes? And- and why are none of you that upset that Jane died? Why am I the only one mourning?"

"Mike… she was your girlfriend, its normal to mourn someone like that," Will placed a gentle hand on his arm.

"That the thing, Will! She was my girlfriend - don't you remember we broke up? It happened months ago, guys!"

"I didn't know you guys broke up," Dustin murmured, a sorry tone to his voice, "I'm sorry man."

"Yes, you did know!" Mike emphasised, his hands reaching up to pull at his hair, "because we talked about it!"

He looked up, only to find the room staring at him with pity. Mike shook his head and stood up, heading towards the door.

"Where are you going, Mike?" Will pleaded, trailing behind him as soon as he stepped outside.

Leaves crunched beneath their feet, "to where it all started, Will."

"Mike- you can't go alone."

He turned around and flung his arms as he walked backwards, "I'm not stopping anyone from joining me. Just don't stop me."

Will scoffed, "Mike- shit- wait up!"

——

The laboratory was just as spooky as it had been before it was abandoned. Mike caught Will shivering from the corner of his eye, and he usually would have offered his jacket except-

Right. Mike wasn't wearing a jacket. He hadn't thought he would need one last night. Because he thought he would be dead, so it wouldn't matter. He shook that line of thinking away, scrunching his eyes as he did so.

"So," Will had broken the silence, "where… are we going?"

Mike had given him a look, "isn't it obvious?"

"No? Should it be?"

"You tell me, Will," Mike had challenged, no real heat to his words - just… exhaustion.

"I don't know what to tell you though, Mike. That's the thing!" Will had emphasised.

They hadn't spoken again after that.

"Is it obvious yet?"

"No? Why are we at the old lab?"

"This is where it began, Will. Believe it or not."

"Mike, you're- you're having some kind of- of nervous breakdown! What the hell are you talking about?"

"Will," Mike stopped and turned on his heal rather suddenly, "do you remember Jane?"

"Of course I do- what kind of brother would I be if I didn't!" offence was clear in his tone.

"If I said the name El?" he pressed.

Will continued to stare at Mike like he had finally lost it, "yeah- Jane's nickname."

"Where did Jane come from?"

"Wha- she's Hopper's daughter."

"Adopted daughter - where was she from before that, Will?" a desperation drenched his tone.

"I don't know! Why would I know that, Mike?" Will pleaded for him to explain himself - he wouldn't.

"Because she came from here."

"What do you mean by that!"

Mike didn't stop, instead he walked through the doors.

——

Bodies littered the floor of the lobby, each one torn apart by teeth that had left their marks. Blood drenched the floor, guts were strewn about the room - not unlike confetti or streamers at a birthday party, only so much worse - and Will gagged as he walked in after Mike.

"What the hell is this, Mike?" horror coated Will's voice.

"A memory," he answered, mind far away - disconnected from the horrors laid out before him.

It seemed to be the wrong answer, "what kind of memory is this, Mike?"

"One I wish I could forget," and he refused to elaborate.

As the two walked further down the halls, lights flickering in their wake, they eventually came across a door that held an exit sign - guarded by prowling demodogs. Mike trudged forward, uncaring of if they could sense him or not.

Will caught his hand, a hardness to his eyes, "Mike, I don't think its safe to walk through that door."

"Will," Mike gripping Will's hand back, "it's more dangerous to stay."

And he pulled the other through the door.

——

They travelled through memory after memory of Mike's, each one a different kind of heartbreak. That day at the lab turned into the hulking figure of the Mind Flayer over Starcourt, twisted to finding out Eddie was dead, tilted dangerously to begging Will to remember who he was, flipped into staring at Will as he told Mike El loved him and soured to that fight in the rain that kept Mike awake at night. There was no order, just pain.

It hit Mike after they had seen the delivery of the painting; this wasn't the path that would save Will. This wasn't Will's memories, it was Mike's - and Will couldn't escape through here.

As he went to leave the memory of lying to Jane about how he loved her, Mike turned to Will.

"This is where I have to leave you," it was quiet- soft.

"Why?" it was small, like a child.

"Because you have to find your own way out, and that's not gonna be through my memories. I'm sorry, Will," and that was an honest confession.

Will wasn't given a chance to respond before Mike turned and left, tearing through a menu that held the names of his kindergarten class. He didn't turn to see if Will moved from where he stood with tears sliding down his face.

——

Mike had made it to his worst memory. There was no competition, this one won by miles.

Blue and red lights flashed either side of him as he stood- lost- between two firetrucks. Paralysis held him in place just like it had back then as he watched the firefighters pull the body of his best friend out of the bottom of the quarry. Distantly, Mike heard the voice of his younger self yelling at Jane - asking what was wrong with her.

He didn't know how long he stood there, staring at the lake and at the fake corpse of his best friend. He was twelve again, and he wished the world had ended that day. His world had ended that day. It was only when Will was found that Mike's world rose from the ashes. It was only when he was back that Mike had any reason to want to live.

He knew where his final destination would be.

He took a stuttered breath, and started the hike to the top of the quarry. He knew where this was going.

——

Mike body felt anything but his own as he stood next to his younger self.

Troy was shouting behind him, telling him to jump. Mike could only listen as he once had.

So - standing next to his younger self - in near perfect synchronisation, Mike Wheeler jumped off the quarry. Only there was no superhero to save him this time.

——

He came to with a gasp. The Abyss met him with harsh arms. No… gentle arms wrapped around his waist like they had before…

Tears fell onto his head, mixing with his own.

"Mike," a voice- Will- sobbed, "Mike. You're alive. Thank fuck."

He simply clutched at the arms holding him, pulling them tighter around himself. His own voice was small, "Will."

"Michael," that voice from the place with too many directions returned.

Will's chest stuttered where Mike's head was pressed against it, he breathed out, "Vecna."

"I told you you would shatter. And yet. You have defied me. But no matter, how do you think your so called 'friends' would react if they knew your secret?" he taunted.

Mike's breath hitched, and his hands dug tighter into Will's arms.

"That's right. I know everything about you. Including your disgusting, dirty, little thoughts you keep locked away. I know how you think of boys. How you don't like girls."

The world faded away, and suddenly all there was was nothing. No air, no Abyss, no Will, not even Mike. There was simply nothing.

——

Mike awake with a heavy feeling in his chest. He was in his room. No…

Heavy thuds came down the stairs as Mike ran down as fast as he could, sliding into the kitchen to see-

Everyone.

Mrs Byers, Hopper, Nancy, Jonathon, Lucas, Dustin, Max, Will, Holly, Jane–

– was slammed into with a hug.

"Oh my god- I'm so glad you're alive, Jane."

Her arms reached up to return the motion, before she pushed him away and said with a teary smile, "so am I, Mike."

His attention quickly turned to his little sister.

"I'm never letting you go again, do you hear me? You're stuck with me forever. I was so worried, Holly," he sniffed, pressing her head into his chest as he cradled the back of it in one hand, his other thrown around the back of her shoulders to hold her in place.

"You're stuck with me too, Mike," she asserted into his chest, her arms reaching around his back to hold him closer. She whispered, loud enough for him to hear, "you really worried me too."

"I'm here for good, now."

The two of them shifted, Mike kept his arm firmly around Holly's shoulders - while she kept her arms wrapped around his waist - but they two of them turned to face the rest of the room.

"What…" Mike's mouth went dry, he swallowed, "what happened?"

It was Nancy who stepped forward, "we all got Vecna'd. Or- flayed, rather. Those flake things from when Hawkins split open- they… they were infecting us. They made it easier to get in our heads, and by the time we got to Abyss we were gone. Stuck in his trance. It was only when you-" she choked back a sob, "when you spoke to us after the quarry, and you Will left, that the rest of us realised nothing was right. We each had to fight through our worst memories.

"When…" she took a shuddering breath, "when we all got out, you were still trapped. It was just you, everyone else got out but you weren't waking up and I- I was so scared I was gonna lose you."

Mike raised the arm that wasn't holding Holly, and Nancy was quick to wrap him into a hug - Holly too.

"Don't scare me like that again, Mike," she pleaded.

"Never," he promised. When Nancy pulled away, Mike asked the thing he needed to know, "how… how did we get out? Of the Abyss, I mean."

"We beat Vecna, Mike," Will spoke up, his tone mirroring the other's when he had killed those demogorgons.

"How?" he needed answers, not just blind reassurance. How could he be sure this was real if he didn't even know how they'd won?

"Me, Kali and Will," Jane said plainly, ignoring Will's mutter of how he 'didn't really do much.' That's what made Mike look around the rest of those in the kitchen and spot her sister standing near Mrs Byers and the back door. She continued, "Will tapped into the hivemind and tried to kill him from inside his head with Kali, while I went after his physical body. Right before we got him, Kali and I removed Will's connection to the hive mind so he didn't die. But we got him - we got Vecna. It took a lot out of all of us- Mike," tears welled in her eyes, "we all lost our powers. We're not superheroes anymore, Mike."

"You don't need to be a superhero, Jane, not to be worthy of love. I do love you, Jane. Powers or not. I'm sorry it just wasn't how you wanted me to. I'm. just sorry I couldn't be honest with you before," he clung onto his little sister as he spoke, who clung on just as hard, but Jane could tell he meant every word.

"Thank you, Mike. I love you too. I'm sorry it wasn't enough."

There was moment where all Mike could hear was everyone else's breathing- he couldn't stand it.

"I told you you were a sorcerer, Will. I knew you could help defeat Vecna," he laughed through his tears.

"I didn't do a lot, Mike…"

"You were there when I got out. I think I needed you to be there. And no one else had the connection to Vecna like you. I'm sure you did more than you think, Will."

He wiped away at his eyes with the palm of his hand, "you don't have to be so sweet about it, Mike."

——

"Soooo," Steve spoke up a few nights later when the party was all together - finally taking the time to celebrate that everything was over, "you're Perceval?"

"Oh… uh- yeah. I am," Mike responded, his fingers running through his sister's hair as she slept, "how- uh- how did you know?"

"When we were flayed Will ran in saying you were Perceval and that's how we… how we knew we had to find you."

"Oh."

"We need to talk about that, Mike."

"No we don't. I don't need to talk to you about anything, Steve."

"Mike. I'm not saying you have to talk to me. But you should talk to someone."

It was after a moment of silence that Will walked up to the two and asked, "can I talk to Mike for a moment?"

"Yeah- sure," Mike answered before Steve could say anything, he then gestured down to Holly who was laying across the couch with her head in his lap, "I can't move though, so…"

"Uh- yeah, I'll go," Steve said, giving Mike a look as he left.

Will shared a nod and a smile with Steve as he took his seat. He gestured to Holly, "she hasn't left your side yet, has she?"

Mike smiled softly, "no. I- I'm kind of glad, it's easier to keep an eye on her this way. I know she's safe. I just hope she'll be okay when she has to go back to school."

"She's resilient. I know she'll be fine," Will reassured him.

They lapsed into an easy quiet, broken only by the noises of the rest of the party in the other room.

It was Will who broke it, "you tried to jump off the quarry."

Mike didn't respond.

"Mike. You can't brush something like this off- please."

"It wasn't the first time."

"… what?"

"It wasn't the first time," Mike repeated.

"That you tried to kill yourself? Yeah, I know about Perceval, Mike."

Mike pointedly did not look at Will, but rather the wall behind him, "that I tried to jump off the quarry."

"What- what do you mean?" Will asked, desperation climbing in his voice, "Mike?"

"When you went missing, me and Dustin went searching Mirkwood. We ended up at the quarry and bumped into James and Troy. They didn't like that Jane had made Troy piss himself - not that they knew she'd done anything - and they wanted revenge. They threatened to stick a knife in Dustin's mouth and pull out his teeth if I didn't jump off the quarry."

"But- but you didn't. That's where you're going with this right? If you did, you wouldn't be here right now. Are you seriously trying to comfort me like this right now?"

"But I did. Jane saved me."

"How- how did you know she would?"

It was Mike's turn to be quiet.

"Mike?" the concern wasn't hidden in any way.

"… I didn't."

"…Mike?" it was small, and for a moment Mike was worried it was from Holly. A quick glance down and then up revealed to him that it was in fact Will who had made the sound.

"I'm not sorry," he brought a hand up to wipe at his face, "I wanted to save Dustin, and- and you were dead. I didn't have anyone else- not- not other than you two and Lucas. You were dead and I didn't want Dustin to die either. I know it was just his teeth or whatever, but who's to say Troy wouldn't have gotten knife happy or- or whatever. So, no, I'm not sorry. I won't let myself apologise for not wanting someone else I care about to die."

"What about us?" Will turned it on Mike, tears in both of their eyes, "what about Dustin who would have to have watched you die, what about Lucas when he saw- or was he not with you? Mike. What about me when I came back? Fuck, what about Holly? Or Nancy?"

"I can't let myself be sorry, Will. I can't. Because if- if I do, I'm scared the guilt would eat me alive, Will."

"I… Mike I want you to know that I'm here. I'm here for you, and you're my best friend I've ever had. Mike…" Will's voice wavered, "I don't think I could have made it this far without you, and I don't think I could go further without you."

Mike wiped at his eyes, looking away. He didn't say anything more, and neither did Will.

——

"Mike," Hopper barked out.

The Party was finally having a talk over everything that had happened.

"What?" there was a bite to his words, a bite only ever directed at Hopper.

"We need to talk. About… you. And what Vecna said about you."

"… what- what did he say about me?" his voice was small, small in the way it never was with Hopper.

"Do you… do you not remember?" Nancy asked, a furrow to her brows.

"I- no?"

Nancy bit her lip, clearly unsure of how to tell him. The choice was taken from her with a sigh from Hopper.

"He implied that you're… gay or whatever."

The world closed in once more. Suddenly he was back in the Abyss overhearing Vecna do the same thing.

"Hey, Mike," Nancy's voice was strong, cutting through the fog that threatened to swallow Mike whole, "it doesn't matter. We- I love you no matter what, okay? I want- not I need you to know that, okay, Mike?"

"It's not fair."

"Yeah, kid? Life isn't fair. I get it's scary, but at least it was this group that found out and not anyone worse," Hopper spoke, trying for comforting and missing drastically.

"It's not fair!" Mike continued, "it's not- its wasn't his secret to share! I'm supposed- supposed to get to decide how this goes, its meant to be my choice! Not his, not yours, not anyone else's but mine!" his voice rose, quivering in his throat with the sobs that threatened to escape, "he took that away from me! And none of you seem to care! Why don't you care that he took that choice from me! I don't care if you accept me or not, okay? I don't care if you accept me or not! You can think I'm- I'm disgusting, or- or a horrible person- or whatever! I don't care! I don't care! But-"

A sob- ugly and loud and wet- tore through his chest to his mouth, his vision blurred ages ago, and the next words are choked out like Mike is fighting Vecna himself to force them out, "Will got to choose. Will got to- to come out on his own terms! And Vecna tormented him far more than he ever tormented me- so why the hell am I the one he fucked over like this! It's not that I- that I want it to have happened to him, but why me?! What did I do?

"It's not like I was- was depressed or whatever like his other victims! He was haunting me even when he fucking had us! We were- I was trapped in his fucking mind scape or whatever and he was still haunting me! What the FUCK! I'm not like Max- Max, who pushed everyone away to deal with her grief on her own!" he turned his anger on his friend, "you- you had all the support system you would ever need but you didn't use it, you pushed everyone away and wallowed in your own fucking misery! You made your choice! You pushed people away so no one would see when you broke down! No one made you do that but yourself!

"So why the hell did he care about me! I didn't- FUCK! I don't have a support system! I didn't have anyone to push away! I didn't choose to keep all this shit to myself! Who the hell am I meant to turn to when things go to shit? Huh?!"

Hopper went to speak, but was quickly cut off.

"Don't you dare open your goddamn mouth, Hopper," if his words could actually hold any real venom, Hopper would have been dead, "you weren't there. Not for me. Maybe for, literally anyone else in this room- but not for me. I was- what? fourteen?- and you locked me in a car with you and threatened me-!"

"Because you were kissing my daughter! I wanted to protect her!"

"Protect her from what? From me? Who was dating her because everyone told me I wanted that? You don't get to tell me I love someone then wish me dead because I did what you wanted!"

"I-"

"NO!" he screamed, a dreadful sound that had Jane and Will each covering their ears and many others flinching back, "you don't get to argue with me! I'm not doing that! Not with you! I still feel like you would just rather I have died at twelve! And you know what?"

"What-?"

"FUCK YOU, HOPPER! BECAUSE I DO TOO! YOU'RE NOT FUCKING SPECIAL JUST BECAUSE YOU WISH I WAS DEAD!"

Suddenly he was thirteen again, and yelling at Hopper for lying about Jane being dead 'for her safety,' all the while Mike had been stuck calling her daily on his walkie because the thought of him still being alive while she was dead was killing him alive. His face was soaked with tears that betrayed the way he desperately tried to blink each one away and his voice was hoarse and sore, and despite it all he was so scared that he wouldn't walk away from this screaming match.

"I didn't… I didn't call her everyday because I fell in love with her, I called her everyday because if she was dead that was on me.

"Fuck you, Hopper. And you know what? Fuck all of you."

He didn't bother grabbing the jacket he'd brought to Hopper's cabin (or was it the Byers' cabin now?), just let out the door and didn't turn back. Not even when he heard the shouts of his name.

——

The quarry was cold this time of year.

Leaves crunched warily behind where he sat.

"I'm not going to jump."

The leaves grated under the feet of whoever it was. A twig snapped as a foot shifted where its weight was.

"If I was, I already would have by now."

"When were you gonna tell me you were Perceval?"

"When were you gonna tell me you were Lancelot?"

"I- how did you know?"

"I recognised the sound of your breathing through a staticky walkie, you think I couldn't recognise your voice through a shitty phone line?"

"I-" Will swallowed, before hesitantly stepping closer to Mike, "I didn't know you did that."

Mike shrugged, "I guess it never came up."

"I…" he began, then stopped - uncertain.

"You…?" Mike prompted, his gaze fixed on the clouds.

Will stepped closer until he was standing next to Mike. He sat down next to where Mike laid, "did you ever lie? As Perceval?"

"No," the answer was immediate, "I changed details to hide who I was, but I never outright lied."

The two had a moment of silence, not comfortable enough to let lie, and not uncomfortable enough to need breaking just yet.

"I love you," Mike admitted, eyes focused on tracing shapes with the cloud high in the sky.

Will blinked, "I… I love you too, Mike."

"Do you?"

"What?" the question caught him off guard.

"Do you love me how I love you, Will?" he finally turned his face to the other, "I don't- I don't know whatever the hell a Tammy is or whatever. I don't… its selfish of me but I don't want you to be over me. Not just yet."

"I never stopped, Mike," his voice was barely a whisper, but it was all Mike could hear, "I tried, because I thought you could never love me how I loved you. I thought I could convince myself I'd moved on. It didn't work."

Mike mulled over his next words, before gazing into Will's eyes, "meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Yeah, yeah it was," he agreed with a smile that sat perfectly naturally on his face.

Slowly, Mike reached up a hand to cup Will's face. He brushed his thumb over the other's cheek. Will mirrored his movement, leaning down as he pulled Mike up. Their lips brushed softly, the pressure a welcome sensation that held all the want the two had ever held for each other. They each pulled the other closer, trying to meld into one as much as they possibly could.

When they finally broke for air, a laugh bubbled up from Mike, "I'm gonna have to go back and talk about it, aren't I?"

"Yeah," Will agreed, an exasperated smile painting his features as he giggled, "you totally are."

"They can wait," Mike asserted with a nod.

"Yeah, yeah they can."

——

"Hello, hello! I am back! It's certainly been a hot minute hasn't it? Life's been crazy this past month, but I am glad to say that I am back for good! And… I have a surprise. Say hello Lancelot!"

"Hi, glad to finally be here in person."

"And I am so glad to have you here," Perceval said with a smile, "this first song is a special one! It's Smalltown Boy by Bronski Beat, hope you enjoy!"

As the music started to flow out the radio, and the two stepped away from the microphones - ensuring they would not pick anything up - Will and Mike shared a kiss with a laugh.

Things would be okay. And if they weren't, they would figure it out.