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Ever since he’d joined the Mafia he felt gratitude. He wasn’t supposed to survive his revenge; it was a miracle itself that he survived until now. He should have been dead long ago, starving in the streets, freezing to death in some dark alleys. Instead, he’d gotten a chance, the opportunity to have a life worth living.
It didn’t matter that it was awful, that it was almost killing him day by day. Dazai hadn’t been joking when he’d told him, that his life would be hellish. His training was cruel, he had more bruises than he could count and there wasn’t a day when his muscles weren’t sore when his body didn’t ache all over. Still, …it was his life now. He had a purpose, he felt useful. He wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Day by day he learned something new, about himself, about his ability, about the world. All thanks to one man. One demon that ruled the hell Akutagawa called a life. But he didn’t mind, after all, it was this man who had given him his new life. It was only fitting that he could do whatever he wanted with it.
His admiration of Dazai Osamu probably wasn’t healthy, he heard whispers about it. Even Gin brought it up one day, hesitantly asking if he didn’t think that the executive asked too much of him, was too hard on him. He’d shaken his head then, had replied that he wouldn’t give up what he had, not ever, that he was so grateful to become stronger, better. After that, his sister never dared to mention it again.
But it was the truth. It was his gratitude for the man that made him take all the beatings without complaining, that made him come back the next day to repeat it all over again, that made him get stronger than he’d ever hoped. But he never did express those thoughts, his feelings…only once.
Once, when he managed to tear down a whole building with Rashomon he had turned to his mentor, awe still present in those dark eyes. High on the adrenalin, high on his own strength, he turned to the one person he placed about everyone else. The person that shaped him into a perfect tool. The person that meant the world to him.
“Dazai-san…I’ve always…wanted to thank you. You took me in and…” The words were clumsy, Akutagawa had never been someone that knew their way around words, but honestly was written all over his face and more words threatened to follow- until he looked up and saw the look of utter disgust written on his mentor’s face. Something inside him froze, the words dying in his throat.
He didn’t even manage to react before Dazai’s fist came contact with his face. Pain exploded behind his eyes, as the impact broke his nose completely. Even though the pain felt unbearable it looked pale in comparison to the confusion he felt, the hurt. The hit was quickly followed by a kick in the ribs that brought him to the pavement, still to shocked to react to the blows
When he was on the ground, looking up at the sky, trying to breath, trying not to cough up blood – Dazai smiled at him. A cold insincere smile that looked like it belonged on those lips. The look in those brown eyes sent shivers down his spine. “Remember Akutagawa-kun. Emotions like that have no place in the Mafia- you shouldn’t even think about it.” A foot came down, dangerously close to his chest as the other leaned closer. “If I ever hear such words again, I’m going to kill you, understood?” Meekly he nodded, trying to stop the blood from his nose. He didn’t dare to do anything else, not trusting his voice, his words. “Good. See that you get that patched up. I’ll see you tomorrow- when you’re less pathetic.”
The false cheeriness was back in place as Dazai turned away, just leaving him lying on the cold pavement.
After that he became a lot more careful, a lot more self-aware- he never mentioned anything about the way he felt again. Even if there still was the same gratitude, the same respect for the other man. Even when Dazai left and it felt someone had torn his world into tiny little pieces. Even when he saw his mentor smiling- genuinely smiling with that tiger. Even when the hatred threatened to burn him inside out- even when he was ripped to pieces and it hurt hurt hurt.
So when he opened his eyes again. Realizing he had been saved by the one subordinate he treated just like trash- just like he had been treated, his throat tightened, unnecessary emotion coursing through his body. Guilt, relief, gratitude.
Still high on the painkillers, less controlled than usual he couldn’t stop himself from murmuring a quiet ‘Thanks’. As soon as he said those words he regretted them. In their world gratitude didn’t have a place, wouldn’t ever have one.
Still, the smile that lit up Higuchi’s face, somehow making her pretty in ways he had never seen before was enough to keep him from taking them back. With what was left of his physical strength he moved his hand across the blankets, his subordinate reacting quickly taking his bandaged hand carefully in her calloused ones.
Tears of gratitude, of happiness shining in her brown eyes that were so much warmer than his. “It’s just my job.”
Stupid, silly, naive girl. He had long known before that the Mafia wasn’t a place for the always caring blond woman, but still, she insisted, proved, day after day that she could survive in this environment, that she could be as vicious as a shark if the situation called for it. Normally he would try to knock her down, to keep her from spilling those weak emotions. But only for today, he’d make an exception. Gently he squeezed her hands, the hint of a smile on his face, still covered by the mask.
Maybe…maybe Dazai had been wrong for once.