Work Text:
Alternative universe
Richard was nervous about his decision. He stood outside the door of Jeremy's office and decided to reach out to knock properly, with courage. He faced the tough decision of either letting go or fighting for his place beside Jeremy in that musty old hangar. He took the more difficult option and now he was standing there. His knock could only have faded an instant prior but to Richard it felt like it echoed loudly in the empty BBC office carrying on and on for a small eternity.
"Come in."
Then at odds with his bold knock, and probably giving away his nerves, he discreetly set foot into the taller man's office.
His anxiety pounded in his chest so painfully he knew it he was seconds away from bursting. Panicking.
He’d parked his rotted old Porsche on the road a few blocks away and came straight to the office building. Well, nearly straight there. Twice he’d pivoted on the spot and made a step or two back towards his parked car. Back towards safety and sanity. But this meant too much to him. He loved his job. It was a dream and one he wasn’t willing to give up on. It was raining heavily outside but he’d never replaced the umbrella he’d broken months ago. So there he was, dripping cold rain to the fine carpet of his boss's office. He felt pathetic but could do nothing about it.
Richard was here to make a concession to save his career, which he loved. Honestly, he couldn’t think of a better way to spend his day than by putting his two passions together: cars and presenting. He was filled with fiery joy when he got into those sexy supercars and got to share his opinions with the world.
So he had to do whatever it took to save his job.
Jeremy nodded to confirm his dismissal, which made him more determined to work this out.
He walked over to stand next to Jeremy, ignoring the fact that he was soaking wet, prepared to make his offer.
He’d spent a long time wondering whether it was a good idea to tell your boss you would actually work free for him, like one of those college-age unpaid interns the BBC kept sending them, if you can just keep your job. There should be a bargain or something. They should argue whether taking a huge salary cut could put him back to his presenting position again.
But he was so desperate and scared of losing any negotiation that he decided to cut to the chase and tell Jeremy that he would literally work for the show next series without getting paid.
Surprisingly, before he started, Jeremy told him to leave it and he could keep his job. Although not be able to express his appreciation well, he still thanked the man with awkward words.
From that day on, he considered Jeremy Clarkson as his new ally, someone he genuinely liked.
//
They became pals since then. With James on board the three of them got along very well.
He liked hanging around with Jeremy more than James, frankly speaking. James was the difficult one as it turned out; he could be so stubborn that sometimes it was easier to walk away than continue a conversation. Jeremy was the caring and gentle one who only trolled him on television. He liked the taller man, looking up to him like a big brother.
Outside the show, which required them making jokes and saying horrible things about cars and people to earn a living, he enjoyed the attention and care from the older man. Jeremy always noticed something before he even brought it up to the coworkers. Even the makeup girls failed to notice the pattern of him cutting his hair, but Jeremy did.
Some may call him gay for noticing all these trivial things. But he knew that Jeremy, the idiotic ape on television, was actually quite a thoughtful and endearing gentleman who liked making small talk with the girls around the office about their boyfriends or handbags.
He admired the man for being so attentive to him, which made him feel privileged. Among the few to be counted amongst Jeremy Clarkson's best friends. He was proud of it for a really long time.
Richard was actually a bit shy when it came to fighting back against Jeremy’s mocking words about his height. He fancied them in a strange way. He knew Jeremy teased him in a friendly way, only to show his fondness of him. Every height joke, every mocking verbal or physical fight written into a script made his heart warm.
He respected and liked Jeremy Clarkson and the way their friendship had grown to brotherhood.
//
One afternoon Richard walked into Jeremy's office, as usual, to share his packed lunch with him. He knew the poor sod never ate a proper lunch, subsisting off of cigarettes and coffee. Richard liked to share his meal, paying back the kindness he so appreciated from Jeremy. He found the older man asleep in his chair, leaning back and resting both arms on the armrests. He looked younger, more gentle and more peaceful. His face transformed, the lines of wrinkles faded and the sharp planes softened. The corners of his mouth just barely pulled up, not enough to even consider a smile, but enough. Enough to capture Richard’s gaze. He was amazed at this portrait of a relaxed, vulnerable man. Richard couldn't tear his eyes away.
He was like a giant dog, sleeping on an old lady's sofa. Maybe drooling? He smiled at that thought.
Could a tired old man in his late-forties look that breathtaking? Apparently so.
He noticed Jeremy lost a bit of weight. His belly was not pointing out as it did when they first met. It was a great audition. The older man nodded reassurance with every single sentence Richard said. He was greatly encouraged by this appreciative gesture.
Instead of leaving and closing the door, he sat down in his usual chair on the other side of the desk and took out his lunch of chicken sandwiches. He’d asked Mindy this morning to make two so he can share one with Jeremy.
He ate his while Jeremy slept on, finding it incredibly comforting. When he finished he left the second sandwich on Jeremy’s desk along with an apple and a bag of crisps.
//
Things went on like this for a while. He made a habit of always taking up the place next to Jeremy, his loyal dog. But this didn't last very long, not longer than he could have imagined.
He knew Jeremy was cheating on his wife with some ladies he met at parties. It was actually none of his business. But being a family man, he disdained derailment. It was especially hurtful when it was Jeremy who had affairs with other girls. Of course, he was not his wife, and he had absolutely no right to comment on it. But for Christ's sake, it was Jeremy bloody Clarkson! The same man who was thoughtful and kind to the ones he loved.
Richard just didn't want to take it.
They still worked together and hung out outside of work. But every time Richard looked at him, Hammond couldn't control the urge of wanting to keep his distance from the older man.
You can't judge the way other people live, he kept reminding himself. But this annoyed him a lot.
One time Richard was the last to leave the Top Gear office and when he reached the parking lot, he realized that he had left his coat at his desk and went back to collect it. He turned the door handle to the office and found it unlocked, much to his surprise.
He almost jumped when he heard Jeremy moan from inside. His hand sprung from the handle as if it burned like hot coal.
There was a woman's voice, too, a vapid giggle.
He should pretend that nothing happened.
He should turn around and leave. He should head back to the parking lot. He should go straight to his car and drive away to pick up some milk on his way home. That’s what he should do. But he didn’t. He couldn't. He couldn’t even move. He was obsessed.
It was a shame to admit this, but he was half hard listening to the sound of whatever sinfulness was going in there. His skin prickled with heat as a shiver ran down his spine. The small whimper that escaped his lips was completely lost in the sounds from the other side of that door.
All bad things floated into his head and it was actually painful to continue listening to that. But he couldn't go. It was like a drug to him. You know it's bad and will kill you in the near future. But you still want it. It’s painful and wonderful. Deadly and life-affirming.
This is absolutely pathetic.
The noise stopped all of a sudden.
He ran.
//
Then the accident.
It still brings him trauma even thinking about it. He is not that determined and strong-minded. He screamed when he found out that his memory was still not improving after days of recovery. He shouted at his daughters and his beloved wife for little things because he couldn't remember what happened the night before. He behaved like a maniac for a couple of weeks. He remembered shouted at James when he couldn’t remember who he was and why he was here.
But about Jeremy… he didn't remember that much.
As he recovered there were small bits of memory coming to him from time to time. He remembered Jeremy's first sentence to him after he woke up was to accuse him of being a shit driver. That made him smile a bit, he thought. But he didn't remember Jeremy visiting him after the accident while he was in hospital. Mindy said he did come by three or four times while he was in Leeds before he was transferred to a local hospital. And what really made his heartbeat a little quicker when he heard that Jeremy texted Mindy every day a joke or something to cheer her up. He made up his mind that he would thank Jeremy properly after he got better. But then he forgot and had to remind himself constantly about thanking him and James.
Unlike Jeremy's smart words on the phone, James showed his care by visiting him often. He would usually come to the hospital with flowers and fruits. The fruit baskets were of fine taste thanks to the exquisite taste of his dance critic girlfriend Sarah. Once he brought a Lego set. This was of the infantile taste of James himself. Richard loved it. He appreciated the efforts his mates made to make him recover well. It did disappoint him a bit that Jeremy didn't come to see him more often after he woke up.
Anyway, he made it. He recovered. Though bit more fighty than before, he was the same Richard Hammond he used to be. The Richard Hammond who enjoys driving muscle cars and making jokes about his colleagues.
Well except the with the odd quirk of fate that now he actually liked the once dread celery.
//
Time passed, as it is wont to do. He went back to Top Gear. Everything went well. Jeremy was still dating somebody but he didn't care about it anymore.
He tried to forget that awkward overhearing experience. But it stuck to the back of his head like gum on the bottom of his shoe when one of the girls was careless.
He lost most of his memories from the accident and when he was in hospital but he could still remember every single bit of him hearing the things he shouldn't have heard that night outside the office.
It's okay. He could deal with it.
When they all sat down around the conference table to discuss going to the North Pole he was excited and energized. He was very upset at the fact that both Jeremy and James saw it as some sort of joke. What a pair of utter bollocks! Why couldn't they see the beauty of going to the wild icy land to feel the hopeless hope and embrace the possibility of fighting nature with human strength. It was an opportunity for him to prove himself to the world, to Mindy and the girls, to Jeremy.
Jeremy left to stop this argument but Richard decided to continue it in his office. He burst in without knocking and shouted at him to defend the proposed expedition. Jeremy said it was for his own safety that it was not a good idea to go there since he only had that accident about a year ago.
He thought it was only because Jeremy was too old and boring to come and see the wild nature.
He apologized.
Then Jeremy said, "There's nothing to be sorry about."
A clip of memory suddenly came to mind. Maybe a long time ago, Jeremy said the same words to him. It was quite blurry and he thought, secretly hoped, that it was just a flash of bad dream.
He was on his hospital bed with bandages on his head and Jeremy was there too, sitting beside him on a hospital chair.
Then Jeremy was kissing him, grabbing at the front of his ridiculous hospital gown. A swirling in the pit of his stomach made the room shift under his feet.
Then he blinked. He suddenly felt stupid about this memory or dream or whatever that was. Jeremy had turned to look out the window. He stared at Jeremy's back.
This was just a stupid, stupid dream.
Trying to muster his earlier enthusiasm and gratitude he thanked Jeremy and then hastily left.
//
He was having bad dreams since then. All his memories seemed to choose to come back at this inopportune time.
He remembered being nursed by Mindy; he remembered the weeping of his daughters. He remembered the cold, dark feeling of being afraid to lose all of his memories, afraid to lose himself with them. He remembered Jeremy too, sitting beside him and asking Mindy about his situation.
His head might just explode. Boom! And perhaps everything would be alright.
He thought about what he remembered when he was in Jeremy's office. And that memory was both blurry and clear at the same time. It was so urgent and dreamlike that he wondered if he woke up from his coma at all. Maybe he was still in that damnable hospital bed dreaming about fear, and celery, and kissing Jeremy Clarkson.
He felt confused and then afraid. What if it really happened instead of just being a bad dream?
No. Jeremy had no obvious motivation to kiss him. He dated attractive young women. What if it was he, Richard, that started this. Suddenly he was terrified. What if he’d kissed his boss? His MALE boss?
But why would he do that?
Did he want to kiss Jeremy?
No. He's not gay. And he didn't find Jeremy attractive or something. He knew Jeremy was that kind of alpha male that attracted girls' attention. But not him!
The gears in his head stopped working. He decided to leave it. It couldn't happen.
//
Well, maybe it hadn't happened in the hospital but it definitely happened at a Top Gear party.
They were celebrating their epic journey to the North Pole and their triumphant return. Every single member of the cast and crew crammed into that little pub got totally shit faced, except Hammond. He couldn't drink much due to the recovery of head trauma. Doctor’s orders. So basically, he was only the sober person in the place.
Then he indulged himself a bit and had one or two drinks. Not that much but enough to make him fuzzy and floaty. He reached the small round table near the back where James and Jeremy sat. These old bastards were clearly drunk out of their minds, laughing raucously and swaying where they sat. Richard thought it arguable that they’d be able to stand up and make it the lavatory to vomit.
He sat down to sip at his pint. Then everything went arse over teakettle. They didn't play strip poker thought they probably would have been better off if they had.
James dared Jeremy to kiss Richard. And that was the beginning of apocalypse. He was still on the side sober and thought it was genuinely the worst idea ever. Jeremy lost and smiled awkwardly, bumbling about to get away from this silly punishment. Hammond sitting there next to Jeremy, was actually quite nervous about this. His palms were sweaty so he wiped them on his trousers. He bounced his feet once, noticed his leg rubbed against Jeremy’s in the process and abruptly flinched away.
If he was really that honest to himself, he may admit that he wanted this to happen. He wanted to do it for real and see what would happen.
"No James. It was too much," Jeremy said with maybe the last soberness left in his mind.
"Chicken." James made the mocking gesture of a squawking chicken.
Hammond laughed nervously as they abandoned this round and moved to another.
"Maybe it was a dare that night," he thought, "that would explain everything."
Then he got less concerned and spent this evening laughing madly with his mates.
//
He was happy at home. He had a lovely wife and two beautiful daughters. He had great sex and he was very pleased about it.
There was no way in the world that he could find that he himself has some weird crush on his fat old tired boss. He still sees Jeremy as his boss even now. When they’d almost finish twenty series of this humble little car show, he suddenly realized the fact that James, Jeremy and he had the most complicated relationship in the world. They were mates, but technically, James and he worked for Jeremy. They sometimes argued with Jeremy but even though Jeremy had the authority to shut them down, he rarely did. This old tall man saw them as mates but Richard saw him as a boss. He still apologized to Jeremy like an intern when he got the scripts wrong. Yes, he mocked Jeremy and teased him in front of cameras. But he simply followed the script and did some improvisation when it worked. Richard didn't tease him that much away from camera, because he knew Jeremy was his boss. He didn't know why he behaved like this. Clearly James argued with Jeremy whether or not they were on cameras. He couldn't.
In their shows, he was the one that was mean and sharp and made some fat jokes or called Jeremy an orangutan. But how ironic it was that when they were away from the studio light and cameras, he became the mild one.
You know, when you're on the telly the producers want you to push certain things to make the show more dynamic and fun to watch. How could he be funny if he was being so polite to Jeremy? He said things during filming to Jeremy that he’d never dare to any other time. He did things he wouldn't do to his boss when they followed the script.
He loves that show to allow him to go a little wilder than who he actually is.
//
So when did he realize that he might have a thing for his boss?
The three of them were doing a special in Italy. And Jeremy brought along his girlfriend who actually worked for them in at the Top Gear office. This was too much. He told himself that he was unhappy because he hated to see the betrayal of a marriage even though he knew that Jeremy and his wife already been for separated years.
During the trip, he spent most of his time with James, sitting in the back of a crew’s SUV which followed the car at the front of their entourage with Jeremy and his girlfriend in it. James somehow saw his disappointment and tried to make friendly conversations to ask what was wrong. He tried not to answer because he didn't know.
"You are not jealous or something, are you?" came James’ mocking inquiry.
Was this jealousy? He shivered at the thought.
He imagined that woman sitting in the back with Jeremy. They might share a kiss or two when they couldn't help themselves. He didn't talk to Jeremy much recently. He missed him. And that was the only thing he dared to admit to himself, though certainly not to James.
When they reached hotel he went for a shower and couldn't stop thinking about what he heard years ago just outside their office. Inevitably, and almost without his consent, his reached his hand slide down to indulge his lust.
//
Sadly, this did nothing to lay the issue to rest. He felt ashamed and angry at the same time because he could do nothing about it now. He tried to call Mindy but changed his mind before the first ring. He didn't want her to know about this. She's always a sensitive woman. She could definitely feel that something’s wrong.
Then he sat on the end of the bed. His unfocused eyes turned toward the mirror across from him mounted above a dated and utilitarian chest of drawers. But he didn’t see that. His reflection appeared to be staring back at him, a tired man in his forties with a rumpled shirt and hair to match. He could have seen the wrinkles that the makeup girl usually covered up if he was looking. He could have seen a middle-aged man desperately clinging to his assumed heterosexuality. But he wasn’t looking at that either. His glazed over eyes only registered a blurred version of the room in front of him. His mind was focused inside on his frustration. That was probably for the better. He only would have seen the least of himself.
His desire to talk to Jeremy was a sudden urge born of a sense of desperate helplessness. He needed to sort this out. He had to find clarity and get on with it. The only thing he needed was to know if it was real, that moment in the hospital from his dreams. So he strode out the door and down the hall to knock at Jeremy's door. He didn't care about that woman, whatever her name was. His only desire was to see Jeremy and asked the definitive question.
Then Jeremy said no. They laughed it off.
He should feel relieved. But relief didn’t come. He made it back to his room before the tears came. He locked the door and lunged into the bathroom. He gasped for air as he turned on the shower to drown out his cries. Then he sank down onto the floor, curling around himself as he slid sideways under the basin of the sink. He stilled with his temple pressed against a cold pipe. He pressed his hands firmly into his eyelids as if he could hold back his tears with brutish force. He didn't want to know why and for whom he cried.
He only knew he had found something that was so very destructive to his life.
//
Richard remembers a conversation in which James had tried to explain multiverse theory or many-worlds theory to him. The physics of it were beyond him but he got the gist of it. An infinite number of universes. Each one stemming from everything that could possibly have happened in our past, but didn’t.
He wonders if there is an alternative universe, a parallel one to this world.
One universe that can end differently.
He could have never met Jeremy and James and stayed in local radio for all his life.
He might teach art at university and marry his student.
He could even be a policeman or something.
Or he actually died in the accident in the jet car and never needing to realize his feelings for Jeremy.
Or maybe, just maybe, in some universe Jeremy would return those feelings.
There are so many possibilities from the miserable reality that he is in.
He can drive a car really fast to get away from the losers on the M4. But he can't drive away from his worst enemy, his own miserable mind. He isn't a man who can manage his emotions well. When he doesn't work something out, he leaves it there. But when they are together, filming or editing, traveling or sharing a drink, the cruel truth remains reminding him constantly of all his pain and anger.
That taller man is like nicotine to him, addictive and deadly. He can quit the smoking but he can't quit Jeremy Clarkson. So maybe he’s not nicotine. Something far worse.
He follows Jeremy from BBC to Amazon. Of course he does.
He can turn around and go in the opposite direction but he can't help it. He'll meet Jeremy at the next corner. Jeremy Clarkson in every universe is his worst but sweetest nightmare.
He thinks, even if he is a police officer in one alternative universe he’d be the one Jeremy hates the most. That way he can still meet Jeremy at some point and ruin his life for him.
He comes back from his thoughts and claps.
The audience is wild with joy to welcome their return.
He stands next to Jeremy, like he always does, listening to his excited voice.
“Hello everybody!”
END