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Yuta wonders sometimes, how did he end up falling in love with a dork like Baek Seunghyun. This man is ruthless on the street, doesn’t waver at the sight of blood and even has his eyes half opened all the time to show he doesn’t give a damn about the world. But that was for the public. In their home located in the Hannam neighbourhood, the first thing Seunghyun did was call him very gently.
“Yuta ya, my love, where are you?”
Truth to be told, just like how the author is portraying Yuta to be annoyed with that, Yuta likes it. He likes getting the cringe attention from Seunghyun. He comes home with a smile, he skips his way and ignores Tora jumping just to kiss Yuta, and he doesn’t let go until the man has to elbow him. It was a guilty pleasure of him to be babied by Seunghyun, but there are times Yuta truly is going to kill him.
He has a habit of listening attentively and choosing what he wants to understand. For example, when Yuta tells him he needs to fly to Singapore for a business trip, Seunghyun straight up said, “We? But I don’t have any meetings there, are we going for a trip?”
Another example was when Yuta needed to attend a convention in Malaysia, and Seunghyun was already packing his things in Yuta’s small suitcase. His words were, “It can fit, if it doesn’t I will just buy clothes there,” in which Yuta had to stop him from doing so. In the end, the two day business trip ends up becoming a one week vacation for them.
In some honesty, Yuta was never really mad at Seunghyun ever since they settled down together after those turmoil and repressed feelings of theirs. Though he may have thrown some curse, Seunghyun always ends up laughing and smiling at the end. His uncouth way to call Seunghyun a fucker is always greeted with his husband leaning in as he chuckles, stealing a kiss from the angry Yuta. It made him wonder, has he always been so easy to be baited into Seunghyun’s whimsiness? Didn’t they start the other way around?
It took him some time to realise and admit Seunghyun could read him easily. If he was truly angry, Seunghyun wouldn’t laugh and giggle at the end. If he was upset, he would be taking care of Yuta’s emotions. Though the way of it has been normal these days. Back then, tables were flying, pills were forced in him with a deep kiss, and punches were thrown instead of sweet comfort. These days, Seunghyun simply pulls him into a hug, playing with the beads on his wrist, asking if he is alright.
There are times the ringing of his head comes as a side effect of the surgery, and Seunghyun drops everything down just to be beside Yuta. “My love, is it still hurt?,” he will ask, and there are times Yuta pushes him away because his mind is still rooted that he didn’t need the concern and pity. Yet there are days he admits, nodding as he lets himself be pulled into Seunghyun’s arms.
When they were in New Zealand, when Seunghyun suggested the idea of stargazing, Yuta remembers he had wanted to be among the stars. It will be a romantic thing to say, meaning he wants to be part of something beautiful, but Seunghyun had cried that time. It took a few seconds for Yuta to understand why.
“Must you be among the stars? Did you still truly hate to be beside me?”
Yuta had cry too. He was four months out of surgery. There are things still hard to say, still immobile to do, and still dependent on those strong arms he tries so hard to detest. All he could do was shook, grasping on Seunghyun’s face and let his eyes well out the tears. It was enough for Seunghyun to understand Yuta wants to stay. It took so many years of their life, they are getting older, how many more seasons is left for them to be happy?
So it was a wonder for Yuta. Why did he still fall in love so hard with this man? The surgery had made him forget so many words he learned in Korean in the early days, so it was like a bunny speaking with a gorilla. He had cursed Seunghyun in full Japanese back then, his Kyoto accent making it harder for Seunghyun to understand, but the man tried. He sometimes sees Seunghyun writing kanji on a piece of paper, perfecting every stroke of it until it was readable enough for Yuta.
He even let Yuta call him Shiraishi Kojiro. In the heat of their argument just one week after he left the hospital, he had said his Japanese name out loud in front of his subordinates. Seunghyun didn’t move. Instead he takes Yuta by his side, and whispers so lovingly the anger of being alive was gone.
“You can call me anything you want, at least it's a proof that you are breathing to do that to me”
Yuta never asked why Seunghyun was so devoted to keeping him alive. If it was love, for sure he had seen even love wasn’t enough for Yuta. If it was responsibility, wouldn’t it be better to just kill Yuta then let him be riddled in self loathing? But as years goes by, as Tora now has his own small family around, he thinks to give his gratitude to Seunghyun for wanting him alive and well. He takes light dose pills these days just for the side effects of surgery, and he doesn’t faint easily anymore. He didn’t think of hanging himself at the door these days, but sometimes he did imagine what it would be like if he did back then.
There will always be a ringing in his head that Yuta needs to live with, the ability of his own knowledge taken away from him due to the needles prodding of his brain, and the small little voices asking him to still be afraid. He would have to live with that forever, and Seunghyun knows it. He wonders did his husband ever loathe himself internally? Did he look into Yuta’s eyes and beat his chest on why he left this man before?
Few things remain as a wonder. For now, he is happy. His daily life is serene and welcoming. He wakes up in Seunghyun’s arms around him, his naked torso pressed against Yuta’s clothed one, and his soft mumbling of good morning when Yuta is awake. He falls asleep when Seunghyun gives him a deep kiss, his fingers traced his body, another caressing the surgery scar on his head beneath his long grown hair, and hazy eyes wanting more. It was a daily life he wished to have after so many years. He didn’t care if he needed to be called “My love” or “Yuta ya” in the endearments of Seunghyun. Oftentimes he teases the man with Hyung and never again.
Yuta is happy now. He wants to live, and he wants to be loved. Seunghyun is doing all that for him today, tomorrow, and the next days they have for the rest of their life.