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I have always known that this would have happened some day. Of course would Clarissa find a man that she loves more than she would love me. But it still doesn’t feel right when Clarissa asked me if we could have her bachelorette party at dads pizza restaurant.
Of course I said yes. We girlies stand up to each other.
Even if it’s kinda ironic how the most fantastic, beautiful girl would have her last party without a ring on her finger in my family's restaurant.
But I guess I just have to deal with it.
-
It's 6 p.m. and Clarissa is coming to my small and cheap apartment. We made a deal weeks ago that I would fix her hair and dress her up for the party.
It was quite weird, she was always the one of us two that was into makeup and clothes. She was the one who helped me with my hair, fixed my nails and chose my clothes for parties. Since Mark came we didn’t have so much time for those types of things.
But she is still my best friend. I need to prove to her that times don't change. That we are still those unsecure fifteen year olds.
I need her to see me.
For real.
-
Ding-Dong
She is here.
The way to the door feels like ten miles it feels like it takes forever to cross but when I’m finally there it has only been five seconds
I take my sweaty hand and open the door.
"Clarissa ho-"
I don’t get to finish my sentence because a girl jumps over me and hugs me.
The girl has long and curly blonde hair and is quite smaller than me.
The girl is Clarissa.
Years have past but when she loosen her grasp, we are still the same. But I don’t want her to lose her grip. I want her to hold it forever.
But this isn’t a dream.
This is real.
"Amanda, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-"
Clarissa fidgets with her hair and walks back and forth.
"Clar, It’s nothing. Much has happened since we last met in person, hasn’t it?"
Clarissa suddenly stops and looks at me with her magical water-blue eyes.
"A lot, yeah… Can we talk?"
-
We go together to my room that I've prepared for Clarissa. It looked like shit before, with clothes on the bed and books on the floor.
It does still look like shit, though. The bed is not bedded and on the floor is a carpet that my cat John has destroyed.
The walls are full of posters from hyperfixation that I had years ago. I would have taken down those, but were just too lazy.
"So sorry that it’s not that clean, I really tried to clean it but then you came and-"
"Mandi, I know that you aren’t the best cleaner. Remember when we shared rooms in uni?"
Yes. I remember. Clarissa was always trying to clean my side of the room when her friends came.
It was good times.
But that was years ago, and now it’s different times.
Now it’s time for making Clarissa the most glamorous girl at the bachelorette party.
"Shall we begin, then?"
Clarissa looks up at me.
"With what?"
She must be joking, right? She must remember why she is here? Does she not remember our plan? Does she just want to say that she found a much more fashion-interested girl than me?
"Don’t you remember? You are having a bachelorette party at my dads pizza restaurant in like 2 hours! Our plan? I would fix your hair and help you get dressed…"
It's like Clarissa woke up from a dream. She takes a seat at the makeup chair.
"Yeah, right. Bachelorette party. Fun. What do you think of my hair?"
"Clar, I see that something is not right."
Clarissa looks in the mirror and refuses to answer.
"Honey, please, you can say anything to me. Why did you choose me, Clar? Why did you come here?"
Now she finally looks up at me.
"It’s Mark."
-
"Mark? Isn’t he a great guy?"
Even if I sometimes hate myself for it, does I think that Mark is amazing. He is nice and protective. There is nothing wrong with him.
But I still feel…. What was wrong with me?
"Yeah, I know, but now he is kinda insecure over the whole bachelor-party. He doesn’t really want to have one, you know how his dad is, right?"
Oh, I know his dad. I don’t want to speak so bad about him, but I can say this: I wouldn’t want to be alone in a room with him.
"He… Gets kinda weird with alcohol and parties, and Mark doesn’t really want to be with him at that stage. So he’s not super into the idea with this bachelor."
"So..?"
"So I am not sure if I want one myself either. I can’t handle the idea of having this party when Mark is home alone. But I didn’t want to cancel a meeting with you either. It was too long ago we met just you and I. I don’t know why it became so but now we two are here, together. So, please, can we just watch Netflix and pretend that it has been like it always has?"
The water-blue eyes again. But these eyes aren't the eyes I saw when she opened the door. These are filled with water. Water that falls down on her t-shirt.
I can’t help but cry a little too.
-
"What about the bachelorette party then?"
I managed to say that even though I half cried and half talked.
Clarissa shaked her head.
"No, the other girls already know. I thought it could just be you and me…"
"Like it always was? Before Mark?"
I don’t know how I was brave enough to say that. Even if I love Clarissa doesn’t it mean that she loves me back. And it doesn’t mean either that I can just say that it was better before Mark.
But the weird thing is…
It was so much better before Mark. The time when Clarissa and I hung together 24/7 and never thought about love. We could just be we. Together.
Now it’s just more complicated.
Clarissa stood up.
"Amanda, I know that you have never liked Mark so much, but you need to understand-"
"Oh, I am so sorry Clar that I’ve never liked Mark. I am so sorry that I cry every night in my cheap ass apartment thinking about what we could have been."
"“What we could have been” ? So you are just jealous? So you have been in love with me all this time without telling me something? You thought it was a better solution to cry in your cheap ass apartment all these years?"
"You don’t know what I’ve been through, you don’t know how it feels to see your crush getting married and see them plan to have their bachelorette party AT MY DADS PIZZA RESTAURANT."
Now another stream sets free from both me and Clarissa. Clarissa looks stunned. Like she doesn’t know what to say. Like she is just refreshing.
sigh. "I did that cause I want you to feel involved with this. I want you to know that I will always be your friend. No matter what."
The worst time at starting absolute sobbing, but who cares.
"What about me, then?"
"I love you, Amanda. That is the only thing that I’m sure of. But Mark is the only thing in my life that is… Normal. I can’t love you . I need to make my family proud and marry Mark. He is a nice guy. Even if I loved you more than everything in the world, would I still choose Mark."
"It’s not fair."
"Then what is. What is fair. Nothing is fair, and you have to deal with it. Even if you are so pretty with your hazel eyes and your absolutely perfect face, but I just can’t-"
She thinks I’m pretty. She thinks my face is perfect. The most pretty and perfect girl thinks I am pretty. She loves me. I love her. We love each other.
I don’t know what controlled this, if it was a part of my brain that has been off since now or if it’s something else.
But I do something stupid.
I kiss the most pretty and perfect girl in the world.
-
Cause… It was stupid?
Right?
But maybe this was the right thing to do?
Clarissa didn’t just receive the kiss, she allowed it and took it.
I tasted her strawberry lipstick. Of course it was strawberry. She loved strawberries. As much as I love her. I was so dumb to not have lipstick on. I could have my cherry.
This time it was I who let go. Even if I wanted to have the taste of her strawberry lipstick I needed to let go.
Clarissa looked at me. Shocked. Absolutely shocked.
Did she like it?
Was I too much?
"Didn’t think that you would be the one who let me go."
"I had to."
"Why?"
"Clar, did you just forget that you are getting married?"
Clarissa leans over and gives me a kiss on my forehead.
"Mark isn’t here right now. What can go wrong?"
-
Three months later.
Yes, Clarissa and Mark are still getting married, I know.
It’s not exactly how I wanted this to end.
But Clarissa still has feelings for me. That night proved me so.
She kissed me.
She said that she loves me.
In my dreams we are still together. We forgot about Mark and ran away to California.
In my dreams Clarissa's family don’t care about me and Clarissa being together.
But this isn’t a dream. This is reality.
And here is Clarissa and Mark getting married.
Must be so amazing for Mark.