Archive of Our Own

“The mystery of knowing it’ll always be you—even in ashes, in afterlife, and in the eternity of idle emptiness.

My dear, it will be you, and no one else.”

It’s like a ticking time bomb; the sound of the monitor that indicates the vital signs of the patient. 

Once the line starts to lay flat and the heart stops beating, like how the explosions happen, it determines that it’s already the end of everything.

Perhaps, it’s time…

While he is placidly laying on his bed, trying to breathe steadily, he’s gazing at the various machinery attached to his body. Sakuya then starts to scan the surroundings of his cold, almost-forgotten, and lonely hospital room. He smiles softly as he sees the pile of Space related books at the corner with bookmarks at the end of each one collecting dust and worn out from too much use, the dried petals of white egret orchids that long fell from the vase full of cracks and faded scribbles of markers on his bedside table, some paints and old canvases he uses before when he can still move freely, and the damaged old bag he used to carry around during his fleeting youth full of keyrings attached to it. 

He slowly closes his eyes while he’s desperately trying to hold the broken green star keychain tightly with his wrinkly, already weakened left hand due to his old age.

The beating sound that surrounds the silent room starts to slow down, and Sakuya let out his one last sigh of relief because finally, finally, he’ll be able to rest with a wishful thinking that he’s going to meet him once again in the afterlife that awaits him. 

However, at the back of his mind, he always knew, of course Sakuya always knew, and he accepted it earlier than he expected that this might not happen. 

It’s not him being pessimistic and losing hope, rather it’s quite the opposite, yet this is him who already comes into terms with the idea that some partings are not always temporary.

But still, isn’t believing in impossible things is what humans are mainly good at?

He believes, and believes, and believes.

Sakuya will never stop believing, and his heart will forever ache to meet Ryo once again, even in a futile dream of his.

The human world has a concept of heaven and hell as destinations in the afterlife. In Theology, if you do great things and never commit a mortal sin, upon dying, the spirit of a good person will be permitted to set foot in heaven; the paradise of eternal peace and happiness. 

On the other hand, hell is where the souls of the wicked are being punished, the realm of the dead where they’ll suffer in the vast sea of fire and their screams of despair will be the only thing they can hear for eternity. Some books even have different circles of hell, the classification in which the sins are weighed and the souls will be placed to where they’ll face their suitable sentences. 

While some religions even have the idea of purgatory, in which there’s a belief that they will cleanse the souls from their immorality and impurities there and later on, they will be given the judgement to move and ultimately enter in heaven.

Sakuya actually hates all of these for certain reasons: first and foremost, he is no longer a believer; secondly, he especially despises the notion of perpetual damnation of woefully souls. 

But as he considered, he never once viewed himself as a good person, although surely he also never once committed any sin that would guarantee his way to the abyss of suffering, so he thought before, mostly he decided upon himself, shamelessly so, that maybe once he dies, his soul will be in heaven.

But that’s clearly not the case now.

Right in front of his eyes, he can see his lifeless body laying on his hospital bed while the doctor is trying to resuscitate him. His younger cousin, the only one who visits him once a week ever since he was admitted to the facility, is shedding tears at the corner while watching the scene of the medical team reviving him.

After a while, the doctor stops his movements and slowly shakes his head while staring at Sakuya’s stiff and unresponsive body, he once again checks the monitor before looking for the nurse beside him. A moment of silence passes, until he proceeds to say his report of the patient’s status and the nurse notes everything on the form, and what’s next is the confirmation of Sakuya’s death.

“Patient Fujinaga Sakuya, age 84, time of death 14:21 pm...”

His cousin starts to weep and the nurse attentively goes to her side and comforts her while the doctor excuses himself after a brief apology to attend to the other patients. Sakuya just stares, he’s unsure what to feel because certainly, it’s his first time seeing someone die on their deathbed and the fact that it is even his own, but there’s a justification behind this odd reaction of his, owing to the certain circumstances that whenever his loved ones suffer and die without someone to rely on, he’s never there to accompany them by their sides. 

He thought, at first, that maybe it’s a curse, that when he’s needed the most, he’s always away from them. 

Nonetheless, seeing his cousin, whom he’s not really that close to begin with, cries for him on his last moments, he’s quite thankful because after all, he isn’t alone, yet the gratifying feeling of guilt within his bloodstream makes it harder to appreciate this act of sympathy more because for Sakuya, it seems so unfair that he is able to experience this warmth whilst knowing the fact that he’s consistently absent in the most crucial times.

He continues to observe and as things have gotten calmer, the nurse leaves to notify the others, and his cousin starts to clean up the room before the other staff will tend to the dead body of Sakuya and bring him to the morgue.

“Am I really dead…” He just can’t help but utter in silence, but as soon as the fear of being noticed washes over him, he quickly covers his own mouth, and right there, because of that, he finally notices his own appearance as he catches a glimpse of his own hands which he assumes that it should be full of creases due to old age. “What…on earth?”

Sakuya, much to his astonishment, instead of being an elderly man, returns to his younger days when he was only 20 years old now that he’s a wandering ghost. 

It’s quite startling that he can see his reflection on the monitor of his vital signs that the nurse turned off earlier before she leaves the room when he’s already a spirit because surely, this face resembles his college days more instead of what he looked like back in high school with full cheeks, yet instead of his casual clothes he uses while attending lectures in his university, it’s indeed surprising that he’s wearing his old summer high school uniform during his senior year. The white short-sleeve shirt with a black tie, his red nameplate, and his usual shabby converse shoes paired with dark pants. 

Well, it’s his first time being dead, so it’s natural that everything bewilders him at some point. But now, without knowing what to do, he’s anxious since he’s uncertain of what will happen, granted that he can’t really just go back to his mortal body, and without a doubt, he also doesn’t even know where to go after this.

Maybe a grim reaper will pick up his soul and guide him in the afterlife, or worse, maybe he’s destined to wander the world of the living and he will never learn peace again.

…

“Soul No. 8111, Fujinaga Sakuya, 84, Japanese, and old age as cause of death. Say yes to confirm if it’s your name and your information that I just stated.”

He may not look like the type who reads books eagerly, but upon considering the series of unfortunate instances in his life before, Sakuya had a phase where he read various books that allowed him to have broader knowledge with regards to what will happen after leaving the land of the living. He’s aware of the mythical creatures, celestial beings, and even those fictional characters linked to doom itself—one of them is the grim reaper.

Typically, grim reapers are naturally associated with black cloak and a scythe; some even depict them with skull features, having a dark and terrifying atmosphere that surrounds them, and the suffocating presence they have even though their only main job is to guide the souls to the afterlife. There was a saying that once the grim reaper greets you, there’s no way out—a strategy of humans to induce fear to the concept of death, but it’s actually more than that. 

Grim reapers can take any form, they can mimic anything that will make their job easier to be done, and sometimes, they’re related to the process of tempting a soul who keeps on clinging to their dear lives that once they set their eyes on the reaper’s appearance, they will eventually let go and move to where they should belong instead of being lost in the mortal world.

Sakuya thought that maybe the one he’s going to meet is the manifestation of the former description, the formidable entity dressed in darkness that will soon lead him to the other side, and surely, he never considered the possibility of seeing a familiar face bathe in sunlight with a dazzling carefree smile that blinds him all over again.

He isn’t prepared, even though he’s been hoping all his life for this to happen, to come face to face again with the epitome of the gentle warmth of August breeze that tenderly rustles his hair, making his way to his feeble heart, amidst the threat of scorching summer sun.

“Ryo?”

…

Sakuya remains still, too awestruck while staring at the person in front of him holding a quill and writing something on a transparent clipboard with golden accents. 

Certainly, he can’t be mistaken about it at all; he memorizes everything, he engraves the image of this person in his mind—the pure eyes like morning dew, his brown hair painted with sunrays that sips through the open window pane, wearing his usual prescription glasses but this time, the frame is thinner than before, his neat summer uniform free from any forms of unwanted lines and folds, and how he takes Sakuya’s breath away every time he sees him, quite literally and figuratively considering his current situation now as a deceased.

“Ryo…” He calls again, desperately trying to awaken himself just in case these are all just a dream.

The person he just called looks up from the clipboard with a confused expression, he gently scratches his chin as if thinking before he tilts his head as he said, “I’m not the person you’re referring to.”

Sakuya doesn’t even know what kind of expression he’s wearing right at this moment, but surely, he can’t hide his bewilderment by that short response he just received. He steps forward until he can finally see ‘Ryo’ in a closer distance.

“What do you mean by that? You are Ryo.”

“Please say yes to confirm if the name and the information I said earlier matches your identity, Soul No. 8111.” Completely ignoring what Sakuya just spouted as if it’s irrelevant to the conversation, ‘Ryo’ just repeated what he said earlier upon their first meeting.

“Yes… that’s me. But, Ryo—”

“I’ve told you, I’m not Ryo,” he just cuts Sakuya’s blabbering just like that while completely focusing on writing something on the clipboard again. As if done, the clipboard suddenly disappeared along with the quill. 

“How come you look just like him?” Sakuya immediately darted a question, brows furrowed, and he’s starting to grow impatient since he’s actually being ignored right now as the ‘Ryo’ in front of him suddenly turned his back to look at his dead body on the bed while scrutinizing it.

“...”

What are you doing right now… 

Perhaps it was his disappointment; for someone who actually dreamt about different ways on how their reunion will happen, this is utterly, and devastatingly far from what he imagines. 

He thought it’ll be a tearful and heartwarming welcome once they meet again; he’s visioning, unabashedly so, that maybe, maybe, Ryo will run to hug him as soon as their gazes set to one another—regrettably, what’s happening is the absolute opposite of what he used to hope for. This ‘Ryo’ acts like he doesn’t even know him.

He waits and waits until ‘Ryo’ finally faces him again, but as soon as he does, he suddenly offers his hand for a formal handshake as if this is a business meeting he’s attending. 

Sakuya’s eyes are looking back and forth to his hand and his face since a small professional smile was etched on it, a smile that quite ticks him off.

“What?”

Since he didn’t really accept the hand in front of him, ‘Ryo’ retracts it and smiles quite meaningfully before fixing his posture. 

“Fujinaga Sakuya, I am a Soul Guide. I’m here to lead you to your seven minutes of memories before you enter the tunnel to heaven.”

… what?

“Huh?”

“Soul Guide.” Repeating his words monotonously.

“I heard you, alright? But what do you mean? Like a grim reaper? Ryo turned into a grim reaper?” He just sighed exasperatedly because clearly, this ‘Ryo’ in front of him looks a lot like him but at the same time, he never really felt anything upon meeting him aside from being filled with amazement to see a special person’s familiar face.

The soul guide, in his own words, just stares at him with a puzzled look, enough for Sakuya to get slightly annoyed. “You keep on calling me Ryo, was that the name of this person I currently look like?”

“Yeah… so you’re not really Ryo… you look just like him, but you’re really not him… at all…”

He suddenly let out a snort when heard that, something that annoys Sakuya even more. “Well, that’s because I’m not really him. And this appearance is just the manifestation of what you always yearn for.”

“I don’t get it…” The whole conversation is like one of those mind games he plays with his mother during his childhood, those repetitive sentences that don’t make sense yet it also contains deeper meanings, and the only way to win is to correctly guess what it truly implies. And Sakuya has always been bad at this. So he continues to look perplexed to the person he’s talking to. 

It could be that the soul guide senses his confusion, though it’s obviously being shown in his entire demeanor, that’s why ‘Ryo’ laughs quietly as if teasing before he clears his throat.  

“Of course, you won’t get it since you keep on interrupting and never allowing me to explain the whole situation. You’re the first soul from all the other souls I’ve ever encountered in six decades that I’m working as a soul guide who has a lot of questions. Usually they’re all quietly listening to me.”

Oh…

Upon hearing that, Sakuya sheepishly scratches the back of his neck, muttering quiet apologies because he’s indeed the one causing a hindrance here. Even so, who can blame him for being too baffled by all of these. A friend of his who died years ago was in front of him, how can he act so normal about it?

“I’ll explain it to you, so please listen carefully, Soul No. 8111.” The transparent clipboard appears again  and he casually hands it to Sakuya who looks like he just witnessed a magic show. “Grim Reapers and Soul Guides may have the same job description, but the former only guides the souls directly to the afterlife, while us, we lead the souls to the doors of their most treasured memories as part of their last seven minutes. Are you familiar with that?”

“The seven minutes theory?” Sakuya conscientiously asked, and as he saw the nod the soul guide gave him as a confirmation, he swallowed the lump in his throat before affirming his thoughts. “As far as I know, it’s about how the human brain after death might potentially still function and it replays the most significant memories of the person who died like the saying life-flashing-before-your-eyes… Ain’t that too scientific to be considered a thing in heavenly principles? Also, 30 minutes have already passed since I passed away.”

“That’s right, and also, it's not just the Earth that keeps on advancing, you know? You mentioned the heavenly principles, it doesn’t matter if you died even an hour or a day later, it doesn’t conform to the rules the humans have even though it sounds so scientific. With this, it’s actually due to a prayer from someone who dedicated their everything just so they could give you a warm goodnight prior to your eternal slumber. The last act of humanity–-you, being able to feel once again and for the last time. And this appearance that I have right now is what you wish for, the person you want to greet you in the afterlife. So, again, I want to clarify it once and for all, I am not that person. The Ryo you keep on calling is not me.” In a matter-of-fact tone, it’s really baffling since Ryo used to argue in this way too before. 

But Sakuya just nods slowly as he hears that, and knowing that someone prayed for him just so he could have this important moment made him feel special, though it has become a mystery on who that person might be, and upon deliberation, he thought that it must be one from his beloved family.

“There are 5 doors you’ll enter and each of them has a memory that your mind considers as the most important encounters in your life. But you’re also allowed not to open a door and just proceed to the next one. And you’re also allowed not to accept this agreement if you think that your memories no longer need to be revisited, and I will now guide you to the tunnel straight to heaven.” He explained while emphasizing every point to make it clearer, though it’s still in a very business-like voice.

Sakuya contemplated so hard while scratching his head because he thought it might be stupid to ask something, but since it won’t take too much to do so that’s why he heaved a sigh before firing it. “Why only 5? Isn’t it 7 minutes?”

“Hmm, good question…”

Oh, it’s not stupid, Sakuya thought to himself as he was greatly relieved when he heard that response. 

The soul guide slightly looks confused as to why Sakuya appears to be so happy right now with that kinda alarming grin and bright eyes, so he carefully walks right in front of him and snatches the clipboard in his hand. “Well, the last 2 remaining minutes will be dedicated to you going to a place that you haven’t visited yet since it’s been your dream to go there. What a great treat, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it’s a nice offer. I thought every soul will just go to their respective places, but this was quite unexpected,” he laughs while looking too excited.

For some reason, the soul guide looks at him with a blank expression, “Don’t be too excited… you think every memory you hold in your heart is just composed of happiness?” 

“Huh?”

“I’m just a guide, in that sense, I cannot guarantee what kind of memories you are treasuring deep inside you so it won’t be my responsibility to stop you, and even if it hurts you.”

Sakuya blinks as if he’s processing what he just heard and after ruminating about it, he then scratches his head again and closes his eyes as a way to show that he already came up with a decision. “Alright, I accept the offer. Let’s do this.”

“What? I just gave you a warning, didn’t you notice?”

“What warning? Was it the part when you mentioned that I could get hurt?” He received a nod as an answer so he just smiled faintly, “That’s fine, isn’t sadness also one of the primary emotions of a human being? Besides, I don’t think there’s anything that could hurt me anymore. If anything…”

… If anything, this is the only way I could see the real him again.

There was a deafening silence that engulfed the two of them after that, mayhaps it’s the soul guide sensibly trying to comprehend Sakuya’s reason. He adjusts his eyeglasses, still trying to navigate Sakuya’s expression for a while, and after some time, he walks ahead without looking back. Sakuya just follows quietly, though the atmosphere has gotten heavier, there’s something in the way the soul guide drags his feet, going slow as if they have all the time in the world, and choosing not to utter anything at all. 

Sakuya also notes that they’re on their way to the staircase leading them to the rooftop of the hospital.

“Soul No. 8111…”

“.... ah, yes?” He timidly replied, not sure why that call of his designated number sounded so hesitant, or maybe he’s just reading too much into it.

“I’ll lead you to the first door…and just like what I’ve told you, once you open it, there’s no turning back.”

…

The sound of their synchronized steps are heard as they walk their way to reach the first door, the silence is still there and Sakuya just uses this opportunity to brace himself for what he’ll see, which is quite odd, because basing from his excitement and confidence earlier, those memories should be filled with nothing but joyous experiences like how people commonly treasures their own; but Sakuya knows himself too well—that even the sadness from those days, the pain it pours on him, and the happiness he felt; he loved everything along with him. 

He’s awfully aware that he might enter a door that holds those memories where he can’t remember how being alive has any meaning at all aside from the continuum of struggles and resentment to life itself.

And he’s now valiantly marching his way to his own second demise.

“We’re here.” 

The guide moves aside and lets Sakuya go first, the rusty metal door suddenly turns into a wooden one with vines surrounding its frame. He can hear the faint sound of rain inside and it dawns on him that he knows exactly what will be the memory inside.

“You look like you already know what awaits you on the other side of this door…”

He turns to the guide with a bright smile, “Yes, you see, this is my most cherished one…”

“Then, what are you waiting for?”

I.

First Memory

“Are we bound for misery; or does the start of everything always means it has an ending?”

In late March, when the flowers are in full bloom in springtime, the graduation ceremony for senior students in high school took place. It was a great time to celebrate new beginnings and the melancholy parting with their friends as they venture in different paths in the future. A quiet goodbye to their youth dancing along with the petals of cherry blossoms scattered on the road where the students used to walk in hopes of a bright tomorrow.

But an unforeseen rainshower just poured, damping the road and making the atmosphere more humid instead of the refreshing air that supposedly should surround them. Sakuya’s mother just took a half-day from work and after the ceremony, apologetically, she went out before him as she promised to cook later and buy a cake for their family to share all while his father cannot attend since he’s currently away on a business trip. Nevertheless, these sort of things don’t particularly make him upset since it’s inevitable and he knows his parents more than anyone else, and it’s just the first time that they happened to be busy on a special occasion.

As he bid farewell to his friends and exchanged some information on what they will do after graduation and which university they chose, he excused himself to go home already. Although his eyes were searching for someone earlier, he just heaved a disappointed sigh because he couldn’t find him anywhere. 

It was a pity because this could be his last chance to finally start a conversation after all those years of just secretly admiring him from afar, and Sakuya doesn’t really care if it will only last 5 seconds and it’s just an exchange of congratulatory messages for each other, but this wonderful person was already gone even before he realized it, and there goes this downpour that made him more frustrated.

He was just looking at the slippery land while walking, too afraid to embarrass himself if he ever happened to stumble and slide when there were also students walking along with him. Perhaps it was his extraordinary hobby of being too fond of weird scents just like his particular liking to the smell of tires, he was quite enjoying how the ground smells after being showered by the rain, it reminded him of a precious encounter in the past. He was just enjoying his walk when he realized that he was craving some pastries so he decided to take the shorter route where the bakery was located.

When he turned to an alley with fewer people as a shortcut since his house was quite close to a bakery in this way, he suddenly halted his steps, because right there, the person he’s looking for was standing in front of a flower, shielding it with his old and worn-out blue umbrella notwithstanding the fact that he’s currently getting soaked from the rain.

There’s no mistaking it; this was him—the black gakuran bigger than his stature, his brown bag with a small green star keychain that he gave him on their second year in high school, the frame of his eyeglasses being visible even with his back turned due to its thickness, his diploma with gold ribbon on its holder because he was the batch’s valedictorian, and the overwhelming feeling of his heart trying to get out of his ribcage by the mere presence of this person—it was Hirose Ryo standing right before him.

He doesn’t really know where he got the courage but he slowly made his way towards him, the stride was heavy and hesitant, yet it’s steady in a way that he’s certain that he wanted to reach him. When he’s at least just five steps away from him, close proximity, maybe it’s quite rude to do this since they’re practically strangers, but he just couldn’t help but tilt his own transparent umbrella he just bought at the convenience store over Ryo’s head as he stared at him.

It's been 3 minutes since he went closer, but not once did Ryo ever pay attention to his existence, as if he’s currently trapped in his own world staring endlessly to those flowers, so he quietly cleared his throat to prepare himself from speaking.

“What are you doing, Hirose…” It sounded more of a statement full of worry in his gentle voice than a question of wonder. The person he referred to slowly looked at him and what greeted him were tired eyes and a broken expression he never once saw before being written in his face.

Ryo tried to open his mouth to say something at least twice, but he only succeeded on the third time and at his best, the very thing he managed to say in his breathless voice was, “Fujinaga…”

If it’s a normal situation, Sakuya might show a bright smile of relief because his first love knew his name, but he couldn’t even fake anything and he knew his face was conveying a deep and very concerned expression.

“Hirose, you’re getting soaked from the rain.” He said, but it’s the way he also started to get his uniform dampened due to him not minding anything as long as he can cover Ryo from the drizzle.

Ryo showed a small smile and focused his gaze upon the flowers again. “Orchids… are you familiar with them?”

Sakuya looked at the flowers, these were white flowers with an imagery of a bird with its petals being the wings, but he didn't really know the name of it so he furrowed his brow.

“No, I’m not really familiar with this flower. Why?”

“This is a white egret orchid, it resembles the white egret bird, and in flower language it means my thoughts will follow you into your dreams.” Ryo carefully explained with a small smile and Sakuya was just nodding along. “You see, orchids are very sensitive. It’s raining right now and it’s out here without a proper cover, if it continues to be showered with excessive water…”

“Hmm? What will happen—”

He was taken aback when Ryo unhurriedly looked directly at him, the fog that was formed on his lenses disappeared and it revealed his eyes having tears threatening to escape from them, and bit by bit, it poured as he smiled while closing his eyes.

“From this too much rain, I’m afraid that the orchid will die…”

He was mystified by the situation happening right now, because the Ryo in front of him looked like he’s on his breaking point, and it’s his first time seeing him this helpless. Unequivocally, Sakuya was captivated by Ryo’s brilliance with his warm smile and shining presence when they first met, that’s why no matter how much he tried to apprehend what’s happening, he still couldn't fully grasp how it turned out to be like this.

He suddenly remembered the first time he saw Ryo.

…

It was the day when the result for the entrance exam in their Junior High was announced when he first saw Ryo. 

In mid-March, when the flowers were just starting to bloom after the long months of cold winter, he saw his name on the bulletin board in the middle of those who passed the exam. He was insanely relieved, and also his mother beside him, since he was able to be admitted to this school close to their house when he doesn’t really have that much expectation from the very start since the test coverage was actually harder than he thought it would be. His mother was laughing with him while congratulating him at the same time because they accidentally synched up their sigh of relief as if they’re inside a comic book, all in a while, they suddenly heard an excited voice of another student’s mother pointing at the top and exclaiming that her son was the rank number 1.

“Everyone! Look at my son, he’s number 1!”

“Okaasan, please stop…”

The boy beside him muttered, with only the back of his round head being visible, his ears were red from embarrassment but his voice when he said that was so soft and the joy was also evident, he’s also trying to calm his mother down, and Sakuya just giggled from the sight since it’s really worth celebrating when your child was literally the top scorer in the whole batch. But what surprised him was when he finally caught a glimpse of this brilliant person. 

Sakuya thought at that time that maybe he was actually transmitted in another dimension, dramatically even because the surrounding suddenly became vibrant, everything’s in slow motion, and nothing matters than that image of the boy he just met—the epitome of the spring sunshine. 

The faint blush on his cheeks, his hair messed up by the morning breeze, the sunlight tinted on his face, and the warm shy smile across his lips. His eyes were shining while looking at his excited mother. Sakuya brazenly continued to gaze upon him, as the time went by, he finally came into a conclusion, his radiance could be that of summer instead of spring, where the world was covered in green and even though the sun was too strong and the humidity was off the charts, it was the season where the hearts of people were fully alive—he was incredibly beautiful, and utterly bewitching that Sakuya forgot to tear his own eyes from staring too much until his own mother pinched his side.

When they walked past them, Sakuya blatantly watched over him without an ounce of shame, he thought that he’s even prettier from a closer distance, and like a fool, his mother judged his flustered state, not knowing her son was completely swayed by the embodiment of sparkling summer. And who could even guess that his heart would be stolen in a very cliché coming-of-age movie esque, a scenario identical to fiction stories, which was him falling in love at first sight.

“Ryo-chan, where do you want to eat? Let’s celebrate!”

“At home, Okaasan. I’m fine with you cooking our food. I’ll help you out too.”

“No! We should at least celebrate outside. It’s a special occasion.”

“Okaasan~ I’ve told you it’s fine, and also no food will be tastier than yours. And we’ll be able to save up some money.”

“This kid… you’re just worried about money, aren’t you? Don’t worry about it! Okaasan will work even harder to gain more money.”

“No… just take it easy. Please rest a little, please? I saw you having nosebleeds the other day too… we should go to the hospital…”

“Argh… this kid, why are you being so gloomy when we should be celebrating?”

They were already away from him when he realized that he’s stupidly standing in the middle of the way and staring at the oblivion, and those were the last words Sakuya heard from them. He hurriedly went to the other side of the bulletin board and searched for the number one spot, and there, he found Hirose Ryo as the name of the dazzling person being written there. And it must be fate since on their first day, he learned that his room was next to his. He thought he'd be able to get closer to him but in the middle of the second semester, Hirose became too distant from people. 

He used to arrive first at their classroom, laughed enthusiastically with his classmates, and played with them sometimes during free time, but now he’s frequently late and during lunch time, he just used it to sleep on his desk. But he managed to maintain his rank, however, at the expense of it, he completely lost his bright smile. Even if he’s friendly towards others and he did some brief conversation and he smiles a little, it’s different from the person he met before since he knew that Hirose was trying to set a boundary that no one’s allowed to cross and he doesn’t really have a plan to get closer to any of them either.

The entire school year of their freshmen days passed, and Sakuya never got the chance to talk to Hirose even once, he thought that maybe it would be too impossible since even in their sophomore year, they’re still in separate rooms. He was totally disheartened, even so, he’s still content by the fact that he could see him everyday. It was absolutely heartwrenching looking at him with his atmosphere that turned from bright colors into monotones, to the point that if it would be compared to the number of days when rain poured during summer days, Hirose’s genuine smile was a rarer sight to witness.

Unexpectedly, it was raining, one usual Thursday afternoon after their summer class. Sakuya stared outside the window near the lockers, clenching the last Math notebook from the pile he was holding earlier that a teacher tasked him to return to the other class. He was getting nervous because the name written on it was the name he's been dying to call ever since before. He wondered, how does it sound from his own voice? He hoped that it wouldn't reveal his pathetic one sided feelings to a stranger who probably doesn't even have a single idea of who he was. While the loud thumps inside his heart were unmanageable, he started to walk towards the boy who’s busy putting on his shoes.

“Hirose from Class 2-A?”

As their gazes met, Sakuya held his own breath.

“Yes?”

“I’m here to return your Math notebook.” He said as he slowly handed the notebook in which Hirose received with a small smile.

“Thank you.” It was a short reply, just like how Sakuya expected. However, he knew he couldn’t let this opportunity pass without him trying.

“There was a small piece of paper that fell from it earlier…” Sakuya entailed and Hirose looked at him confusedly. “Wasn’t it a scribble of the green star that was discovered in 2007?”

Hirose looked at him with wide eyes, Sakuya smiled because he thought he was finally able to gain his attention, but much to his dismay, Hirose’s expression returned to its casual smiling face he uses whenever he needed to engage in a brief conversation with the other students.

“Yes, it was. Thank you for returning my notebook.”

It was an obvious declaration that they’re already done talking as he was preparing to walk away. Disappointed, but still determined, Sakuya mustered his courage to find his voice and let out his last remaining card.

“I want to give Hirose a keychain of the green star—uhm well, if it's okay!” He did not intend to appear very desperate, even if that's the truth, “I was just so happy that someone else knows about it. I’ve been searching about it ever since then, and I honestly thought it was just me. I made a keychain just in case I found someone with the same interest as me.”

It was a half lie. Undoubtedly, he knew about the green star, but the keychain was the part where he lied. He made it just for Hirose because he’s aware that he loves Space and anything related to it, he once saw him in front of the bulletin board where there was an announcement regarding the Science Camp where the school would organize a stargazing event. Sakuya joined but he never saw Hirose that time and that’s when he realized he didn’t really sign up for it. But right then, he saw the beam in his eyes while he’s reading the flyers, the anticipation written in his entire face, and the way he didn’t realize that his mouth was half-open due to being so focused on it.

“... a keychain? You’re giving it… to me? For free?”

Sakuya nodded with a big smile even though he was kinda at a loss when he noticed Hirose looking so surprised. 

He was blinking, and Sakuya thought it was just so adorable, and as if he just received the blessing from the heavens above, he also witnessed Hirose let out a giggle, and he was smiling wide until his eyes disappeared.

“Then…” He said while offering his right palm to accept the keychain that Sakuya carefully placed on it. “I will surely treasure it…” He held it in both of his hands and brought it closer to his face while smiling. At that time, nothing mattered anymore for Sakuya but that wonderful spectacle in front of it.

Sakuya knew him by the heart, from all those times that he’s been observing him quietly, admiring from afar, he knew his genuine smile from way before, the one where his star-like orbs were shining endlessly and the corner of his lips are forming a very gentle crescent—but this one was different even though it was sincere. His eyes were glistening from tears at the corners, on the verge to fall any minute, and his lips were trembling slightly as he mumbled a very small yet earnest gratitude.

As Hirose excused himself, Sakuya was stuck to where he was standing, he smelled the particular aroma of the surroundings after being showered with a sudden downpour, while he watched Hirose’s back as he went out to the rain under a blue umbrella. 

And from that moment on, even if they never interacted that much aside from basic greetings and stolen glances, Sakuya couldn’t help but wonder in silence on what caused Hirose this much pain to the point of being unable to produce a carefree smile anymore, all while he was incessantly looking at the small green star keychain hanging on Hirose’s bag ever since that day he gave it to him.

…

“I’m afraid that the orchid will die…”

Now that he finally remembered everything, that was the first time he saw him like this, this was the same Hirose from that day. Sakuya couldn’t help but frown at the sight of him being this vulnerable, because he knew that Hirose was never like that. He’s a very straightforward person despite his kindness and soft personality, he’s someone that never once showed a sign that he’s having a hard time at school even though the pressure on his rank and the expectations of people was always on his shoulders. Sakuya wanted to understand, but there’s an invisible line he could never cross; a line that Hirose painted himself that Sakuya has always respected.

“You should go now, Fujinaga. The rain’s about to stop already, I’ll just stay here for a while.”

“How can I—” … leave you here behind in that state?

How can I just watch you again and not do anything?

How can I call myself someone who deeply admires you and just allows this world to hurt you?

Sakuya grew up in a very religious household, in that sense, he was someone who always prayed before going to sleep. Some days, during his childhood, all of his requests are those child-like dreams; wanting to eat bread without it being sold-out tomorrow morning, asking for amazing birthday presents, telling how his days went on, and apologizing whenever he made a silly mistake as a kid. 

For him, prayers are meant to be told with a solemn heart, closing your eyes, and clasping both of your palms, while sincerely delivering your thoughts to those who are above in the skies; unquestionably, his are just full of his selfish wants and needs, though who can blame him for having a very simple and young mind as a child. When he grew up, like any other teenagers out there, he was suddenly in a rebellious phase in puberty that he no longer prayed at night.

Yet, when he met those lackluster stars in front of him in their second year, out of the blue, he found himself praying again, not just at night, but every time he can, every moment he's allowed, he’s constantly repeating the same name in his prayers for years starting from that day—let him be well, let him be happy, let him smile, please let him regain his light.

But what is a prayer, if the person who committedly asks for something never acts upon himself to fulfill it?

What is a prayer, but merely just words whispered into the void, because he’s here, with his free hands but he neither reaches out nor offers it to him?

It’s now or never, a decision, at long last, he eventually made that he knew he will never regret—stepping into Hirose’s world with a firm resolution to bring out the color into his life again.

“Ryo, the orchid will never die.”

This was the first time he called him by his first name, an indication that he would stand his ground and never back down anymore. Ryo squinted, confused by the sudden change in Sakuya’s attitude abruptly.

“What are you—”

He stopped midway when Sakuya suddenly pushed his blue umbrella away from the orchids, followed by him using his own transparent umbrella to shield the flowers, but instead of what Ryo was doing earlier, he placed the handle on the wooden fence and fastened it with his own handkerchief. When he noticed that it’s still unstable, he removed the pink hair tie on his wrist and used it to secure the umbrella.

After some finishing touches, Sakuya wiped his dampened hand on his pants and smiled eagerly at Ryo. “See! I’ve told you, they won’t die anymore. This will act as the shield of the orchids.”

“Your umbrella… seriously, you don’t have to do that.” Ryo said in his voice laced with guilt.

“But I want to.” Sakuya, still smiling. “I should’ve done this even way before, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

He just shrugged and showed a playful boyish grin. “Nothing. Actually, my house is very near here, it’s just around the corner so if you’re worried about my umbrella, I can just run.” He said while pointing at the way while Ryo suddenly took a step forward towards him and shared his umbrella. Since Sakuya was a little bit taller, the roof was subtly hitting his head, but he was kind of flustered by the sudden closeness and the sweet kind gesture to think about anything else right now.

“Fujinaga, you’re so unpredictable.”

“I hope that’s a compliment.” Sakuya grinned and wiggled his brows, and because of his playful nature, Ryo smiled softly that later on turned into a giggle.

“It is. It’s a compliment. Thank you.”

“Now, let’s go!” He didn’t wait for Ryo to react as he pulled his left wrist, he made him stand on the other side while Sakuya was closer to the road, he snatched the umbrella in his hand, and held it for the two of them.

“There’s a bakery here and they sell the most delicious melon bread I’ve ever tasted. To commemorate our graduation, and since Ryo was the batch’s valedictorian, I want to treat you there.” Sakuya started walking while still holding Ryo’s wrist in his right hand, and the umbrella on the other one.

“But, Fujinaga—”

“Sakuya. Call me Sakuya.” He smiled at him, “From now on, I’ll be Ryo’s friend.” And I will surely make you smile.

Ryo stared at his face with concern, yet at the same time, Sakuya noticed the flicker in his eyes, it was an unnoticeable glint, small enough to make it such a big deal, but Sakuya felt relieved when Ryo promptly smiled at him.

“You’re so persistent…” He remarked while shaking his head, “Aren’t you, Sakuya?”

The rain ultimately stopped, and the only thing that remained was the sound of their mismatched footsteps in their own world—one with hurried strides, marking a delightful triumph; the other one with a slow pace, finally experiencing a leisure walk free from the dreadful chase to the misery of life itself.

And this was the start of everything.

From behind, Sakuya witnesses everything again unfolding in a way that it feels like it’s just the start of the movie where the main characters of the story just met each other; it frightens him because the amount of times he tries to stop himself from running to Ryo and pull him into a hug are undeniably painful and quite embarrassing because the Soul Guide beside him stands there with no visible pleasant expression aside from blatant judgeful amusement from observing him.

When they watch the Sakuya and Ryo from this memory finally entering the bakery, and without exchanging words, the soul guide and him just started to walk to finally reach the second door while the guide is just silently venturing on his own in front, looking at the surroundings and sometimes kicking the puddles since the water won’t affect him anyway.

“So, that was the real Ryo?”

Sakuya flinches, he never considers the probability that the guide will suddenly open the conversation for little chats. He’s quite sure earlier that the entire time they’ll be inside the memories, it will be so silent to the point of eating his brain away because of the awkwardness, but he prefers that because the things he just saw again right in front of his two eyes are too overwhelming to process so having a coherent talk will be quite impossible after that. Nevertheless, he just heaves a deep sigh as he puts his hands on his pockets while they’re walking in order to maintain his composure.

“Yeah, it’s him. He’s a very smart person, you know? He’s so logical and always has this deep understanding of things,” Sakuya smiles as he reminisces. “You’ll be shocked once he opens his mouth because he talks in a very poetic way, or maybe it’s just me that considers it like that, but seriously I learned a lot of things while listening to him. He really talks a lot, we never run out of topics even way before we’ve gotten closer. Though he’s a rational person, he’s also very sensitive and emotional—but he won’t admit it, he always tries to act strong because he thinks that it’s the only way to show that he will never be defeated by the bitterness of life. Ryo is really just… really just so special, so precious. He’s really—oh, I’m sorry.”

He didn’t even notice that he’s already talking non-stop because it really comes natural to him. Whenever Ryo’s involved, he can’t stop himself from being totally enthralled in a way that there’s no helping it, he loves so deeply, he admires him so much, and he misses him in every second of his life.

“You know, it fascinates me…” The soul guide said as he turned to Sakuya to face him, his expression was unreadable. “You still talk about him in the present tense.”

Sakuya can’t even think of any words to answer that because he’s aware of it and a lot of people have questioned him about it too before. Perhaps he developed a habit; a habit that suddenly crept up to his entire being that he isn’t particularly sure when it happened and when it started in the first place. 

It just comes so naturally to him that every time he meets new people, they will also know about Ryo. 

Whenever he comes to shops to buy some materials for his hobbies, he will pick up a pen and the first thing he’ll write is his name. Whenever he visits a newly-opened bakery, he’ll search for the bread that Ryo likes and see if it also tastes the same as his favorite. Whenever someone will come to his life, one way of another, they will know his heart is already occupied by someone else that there’s no room for another flower to bloom to the garden he invested his whole life cultivating—his love is too much, it’s overflowing, and he doesn’t even know where to pour it when the person whom he’s supposed to cherish is no longer there with him.

So to make up with this misery, he developed a habit. A habit of pretending he’s still there by his side like the undying presence of bygones.

“Do you still hope?” The soul guide suddenly mumbled when Sakuya didn’t provide a response to what he remarked earlier. “Do you still hope despite knowing it’s futile to hope for something that will certainly not happen?”

Sakuya just walks ahead, leaving the guide behind, as he bites his lower lip to maintain his composure because those words cut deeper than intended.

“I still do hope… even if it doesn’t matter anymore.”

He hears the familiar dragging quiet steps trailing behind him.

“Why?” It was a question of pure wonder, but it made Sakuya even more annoyed for the lack of sensitivity that this guide possesses, or he considered that maybe it’s typical for anyone in heaven to be like this.

“He taught me to hope even for impossible things.”

“Oh, really? That’s quite intriguing, well, knowing he’s the first one who gave up the idea of hoping for anythi—”

Sakuya didn’t even realize that he’s already in front of the guide as he loomed over his figure and stared at him with sheer contempt that made the other stop midway from what he’s saying.

“You don’t know him. Not a single thing about him, not the things he went through, not the things he experienced, you do not know him at all for you to talk about Ryo like that.”

Instead of being intimidated, the guide just tilts his head in confusion as he shows a playful smile.

“You’re right. I don’t know him,” he says as he walks off like nothing just happened. “You know, maybe I should apologize.”

Sakuya scoffs as he hears that. “Maybe? You’re not even sure?”

“Soul No. 8111, I’m no longer a human. Therefore, I don’t have my memories and the emotions of a mortal to sympathize with everything, but I am, undoubtedly, curious about this Ryo you hold the most dear to your heart and my questions may seem appeared to be rude, but it’s not my intention since we’re just trained to act like this.”

“To act rude?”

“... to be emotionless.”

“Your reasoning and your choice of words don’t align at all.” Sakuya was still looking at him with cold eyes, but later on, he just heaved an exasperated sigh because there’s no way he’ll waste time for being this agitated over something that’s not even important. “Why are you curious about him, though?”

They finally stop in front of an abandoned building, and Sakuya sees how the rusty door suddenly turns into the same one he entered earlier with the wooden motif and the vines covering its frame.

“Why am I curious about him?”

He holds the doorknob and opens it slightly, “Yeah, why are you so curious about Ryo?”

“I just felt some unknown connection, also it’s because of his hatred to heaven itself. He cursed the creator, he cursed the world… and he’s very interesting…” The guide said in a casual manner while Sakuya’s right foot carefully stepped inside the door. 

But the next statement he uttered while snickering made Sakuya stuck to where he’s standing if not for the slight push he felt on his back and his vision turned white indicating he’s already inside of the memory, but those words still float in his mind and play like a broken record without signs of stopping.

“Because for someone who harbors deep abhorrence to heaven, his last prayer was one of the most sincere among all the prayers the God has heard in a hundred years, and it was dedicated just for you, only for you so you can have this gentle goodbye.”

II.

Second Memory

“La flor que nunca vimos florecer; the mystery of life and everything in between.”

It’s already been a year since that day when they met in the middle of a rainy day after their graduation, a year since Sakuya finally, and successfully, carved his way to Ryo’s life and it was definitely the best decision he ever made. They’re already in their 2nd year as university students, and luckily, in Sakuya’s part, he was able to attend the same school as Ryo. 

Though they’re in different departments, he chose mechanical engineering since his father’s line of work was similar to this, while Ryo was in business major, and according to him, he just needed a degree for now to enter a corporate for a stable job and payment. It was a shock to anyone in their batch considering that Ryo graduated at the top rank; not only he chose a university within their prefecture instead of going to popular ones he got recommendation letters from, but he also chose a program not aligned to what he told the teachers during career orientation which was aerospace engineering.

He once tried to ask Ryo about this, but the topic completely shifted into a different one and Sakuya knew it was Ryo’s way to avoid talking about it, and of course, as always, he respected it. Sometimes, since their schedules don’t match up, and Ryo was always busy after school because of his part-time job, during midterms and finals, they rarely see each other which saddens Sakuya a lot but he couldn’t help but to accept it as something natural to occur because it’s not like they’re still in high school with less responsibilities.

As time passed by, Sakuya was beyond thankful for being able to call himself as Ryo’s friend, albeit his true feelings, being a friend to someone so dear to you was the most wonderful gift he ever received along with the joy of knowing about him.

Ryo was someone who has a lot of stories he always entails whenever they’re together.

Learning about him was truly a delight in a way that Sakuya finds him even more endearing because it was quite true that he fell for him at face value at first, but who could blame him, anyone will be at his shoes, by their own free will, if they also happened to meet the incarnation of the sparkling summer. But as they became closer, he was also able to know Ryo’s real self, and he’s even more lovely in this way than the one Sakuya always has in his mind.

However, one thing’s for certain, no matter how much story Ryo always shared with him, he never once mentioned his family side, well aside from occasional mentions of his beloved mother.

Even though he’s sure that he actually knew more things about Ryo, he’s still a mystery to him. But he will never ask for anything else since he can wait for him to slowly open up instead of making things awkward for the two of them.

That’s why Sakuya was never prepared when Ryo suddenly asked him to come home with him because he wanted to formally introduce him to his mother.

…

“Are you sure about this?” Sakuya was straightening his plaid shirt while brushing off dust on his keyrings. He also bought some fruits and bread as a gift to Ryo’s mother. For some reason, he felt as if he’s being formally introduced as Ryo’s lover, and he was delusionally ecstatic and extremely nervous about it.

Ryo laughed while walking beside him, avoiding the puddles since it just rained earlier. Come to think of it, coincidently, a sudden downpour always happened whenever there was some kind of development to their relationship, as Sakuya finally started to realize this as if a light bulb just lit on his mind, and he started to plan to do an offering like rain dance so it’ll always rain, and maybe there would be more development—

“Why are you so nervous?” His train of thoughts while he was spacing out from daydreaming was cut off when Ryo asked him as he was also letting out sinister giggles all by himself like a crazy guy.

He cleared his throat and averted his gaze as he felt embarrassed. “Because it was so sudden…”

When he didn’t get a reply, he looked at him again, and Sakuya watched as Ryo just smiled a little before he strode ahead of him while observing the ground. “No, actually, it took quite a while, even a year or so before I finally came up with this decision.”

They suddenly stopped walking, silence engulfed the two of them unknowingly, while Ryo was preoccupied with something he’s been staring at since earlier that made Sakuya confused. When he looked over at it, it was actually a small snail crossing the pavement with a slow and steady slide.

“Saku, you know, snails are uncomfortable without their shells. Forcibly removing their shells from them is practically ripping their muscles. They become so distressed because you see, not everyone is okay with their bare self.” Ryo explained as he started walking again. Sakuya just trailed beside him while nodding because he was so used to Ryo’s way of talking like this, he found it really amazing that he could always find things to talk about on a deeper level.

Yet, he’s definitely caught off guard when Ryo suddenly looked at him with a noticeable anxious smile for the way the corner of his lips quivered slightly.

“But you know, Saku, I feel safe with you, so maybe I could share the inside of this shell of mine without any fear. I just hope… I just really hope that your eyes will still look at me the same after finding out everything.”

He was left speechless for a while, and before he could even muster the courage to ask something, Ryo suddenly turned left, as he followed through, he realized where they’re going.

This was the way to Ishikawa Prefectural Central Hospital.

…

The familiar strong scent of disinfectant wafted on Sakuya’s nose as they entered inside. He was just walking silently while a lot of questions lingered in his mind. Because he was so sure Ryo told him they’re going home. 

“Ryo-chan! You’re here already!” An old lady emerged from the door of the hospital’s cafeteria. Ryo greeted her with wide smiles and Sakuya just followed suit and that’s when her eyes fell onto him with visible amusement and some kind of confusion. “Oya? You’re here with someone?” 

Ryo smiled a little. “Yes, Obasan. He’s a friend of mine.” 

“A friend? Your mother will be happy! Later, you can come here and get some food. I cooked a lot earlier during lunch and packed some just for the two of you. You can also share it with this friend of yours.” She said with enthusiasm in her voice.

“Thank you so much, Obasan. I’ll help later to wash the dishes.”

She playfully laughed at Ryo while waving her hands as a sign of refusal. “You never change, don’t ‘ya? Just enjoy the food. I could just ask for your help some other time. Ay, go already. Your mother will be so happy today.”

As they both bid their goodbyes, they just went on walking the long hallways of the ground floor before they reached the elevator. Sakuya noticed how everyone in the hospital welcomed Ryo with so much warmth as if this was actually his home. It was quite surprising and very baffling, but he couldn’t ask Ryo anything since he couldn’t even find the right words, afraid that he might say something that’ll be too insensitive and out of the line so he just chose to remain still and silent the entire time aside when Ryo will chat with him for a while and stop when they’ll greet some personnel they met on their way.

They’re already on the eighth floor and Ryo stopped in front of the 4th room near the elevator with the surname Hirose on the door. Sakuya swallowed the lump in his throat when Ryo opened it and told him to come inside.

“Tadaima, okaasan.”

“Ah… Okaeri… Ryo-chan, you’re here—Oh my? Who is this young man with you?”

The soft timbre of her voice resonated throughout the whole room. It’s the exact same way on how Ryo usually talks, there was this warmth and affection lacing their tone. The smile on her face widened as she eyed Sakuya while Ryo went to her side to help her sit on the bed.

“G-good day, I am Fujinaga Sakuya.” He didn’t even notice that his voice started to stammer because of being too nervous. Sakuya was then asked by a soft gesture from Ryo’s mother to come closer and take a seat beside her bed while Ryo excused himself to get some drinks outside at the vending machine.

“Are you a friend of my son?”

“Yes, Hirose-san.” He politely replied which gained a laugh from her and Sakuya realized that she has the same eye-smile as her son.

“Please make yourself at home, Sakuya-kun. I’m Hirose Ran, Ryo’s mother.” 

As he heard that, the heavy feeling inside his chest started to suffocate him. When he lowered his head, his eyes started to roam the whole place.

There was a thin tatami mat beside the bed along with a small pillow and folded blanket above it, while there’s also old and worn out business textbooks below the table. The window was opened and there were at least 5 dried clothes hanging on them which Sakuya could tell were uniforms from different establishments. A laundry shop uniform, a convenience store uniform, a ramen shop uniform, a chicken delivery uniform, and the other one was from the ice cream shop near their high school. This place wasn’t a regular hospital room, it’s almost like an apartment if not for the machinery and the loud beeping sound that it kept on producing attached to the body of Ryo’s mother.

“Sakuya-kun, you’re the first friend Ryo introduced to me personally.”

His train of thoughts was cut off when he heard her soft voice again. He noticed the dark circles under her eyes, her head covered with a beanie, and how she can still manage to form the sweetest smile like she wasn’t having a hard time coughing every now and then, turning her face to the other direction while feeling bashful for it. 

As he looked up to her, he didn't know what kind of expression he was currently wearing as he watched how her smiling eyes became filled with concern while gazing upon him, but it later on turned into a relieved one as she showed a gentle smile while she slowly reached out and pat him at his back. These hands patting Sakuya are incredibly thin and very fragile, yet they felt so soft and lukewarm.

“I’m glad… I’m really glad that my dearest son met such a kind friend.” She said while letting out a soft giggle just like how Ryo usually does in these kinds of scenarios. “For you to have your eyes glistened with tears and with so much affection being reflected on them, I’m so glad my son is being loved like this.”

Everything just made sense. All the things he witnessed from the past, his first conversation with Ryo during their 2nd year with his exhausted expression, his entire demeanor turned to be gloomy at the second semester during their first year, how he looked so tired every single time he went to school, and why he was so utterly crestfallen during that rainy day while endlessly staring at that flower.

“I’m afraid that the orchid will die…”

Hirose Ran.

His mother’s name means orchid.

…

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen okaasan with that much energy, you know?” Ryo finally decided to break the silence after they left the hospital. 

Sakuya was on his way home while Ryo has a part-time job with graveyard shift at a fast food chain, a different work from all the other 5 uniforms earlier since he’s just wearing a white polo shirt as an indication that he just got hired recently and started as a trainee.

“It’s all thanks to Saku!” He exclaimed as he playfully bumped his shoulders to Sakuya, and because of this, he wasn’t able to notice the can of soda at the ground and he almost slipped as he stepped on it.

Sakuya quickly grabbed his hand and helped him gain his balance again. “Woah, that was close! Thanks, Saku—Sakuya?”

He didn’t let go of his hand as he continued to stare at him with meaningful eyes. Ryo’s hand was indeed smaller than his in every way; his knuckles were thin and he could easily enveloped it within his own palm—but this hand was never fragile. 

There were multiple burn marks and cuts in his fingers and palms, some turned into scars, and there were callouses in every corner. This hand he was holding felt so rough on every edge, the proof of his hard work in all these years. But it was… incredibly small and precious, and very heartbreaking to know how this small hand held the sorrow of the whole world all by himself.

“Sakuya…” It was almost like a whisper, as Sakuya turned his gaze on Ryo’s face, he saw him furrowing his brows with a broken expression. “I’ve told you—didn’t I? I’ve told you earlier that I hope you’ll still look at me the same after finding out everything…”

“What… do you mean, Ryo? How do I look at you right now?” He asked in a gentle voice.

Ryo avoided his eyes and looked down to his feet, his shoulders tensing up, and he was even biting his own lips. “You look like you pity me. Do you pity me now?”

“Pity?” Sakuya let go of Ryo’s hand to carefully cup his face to make him meet his gaze, he showed a reassuring smile while staring directly at him. He was cradling his face in his palms with cautious touch, he couldn’t even believe himself that he’s actually doing this given that he always respected the boundary of not acting upon his feelings and forcing its way to Ryo’s heart. It’s just that he couldn’t contain the emotions welling up inside him as he finally confirmed the things that he fought so hard in the past.

Sakuya remembered the first time he swung his fist against someone. It was during their senior year in high school.

He was never the type of person to just pick a fight with anyone, a matter of fact, he was even friends with everyone, and the one he punched was one of them whom he was close with as they often play soccer during lunch break and after class hours. It’s just that they said something that made him lose all of his reasons, and just acted upon it one day in their gym class for basketball.

“Ain’t Hirose too weak? I don’t want him to join our team for this game.”

“Not just weak, he was so gloomy. He looked like he could break with one light push.”

“Weak and gloomy. Just a loser who knows how to study.”

His legs moved on their own and the next thing he knew, he was already throwing punches without knowing the proper way to do so, he’s not sure if it actually did some damage, but he still did without stopping until the teachers went to separate them. Sakuya went home with busted lips, got scolded by his mother, he even got a detention for it and was tasked to clean up the entire gymnasium for a week, but he never once regretted what he did, especially now, since what he always believed was actually the absolute truth all along.

Ryo is the strongest person he’d ever known.

Sakuya carefully caressed his cheeks soothingly. “Pity? Why would I pity you? If anything, I admire you even more now to the point that my chest physically hurts because I wasn’t there with you from the very beginning. I should have—God…” His voice slightly cracked but he continued to smile at him and he saw how Ryo’s eyes gleamed. “I should have held your hand sooner. I should have stood with you in the rain sooner instead of just painstakingly waiting for perfect timing to befriend you.”

Ryo searched for any signs of lies on his face, and as time went by, he suddenly showed a beaming smile. It was blinding, but Sakuya could never look away, and would never choose to look away even if at the expense of his own sight.

“So, Saku, you don’t pity me?” He was asking while his eyes were almost bursting from being too open that Sakuya just let out a snicker and flicked his forehead. “Aww! Why would you do that!”

“It’s a spell to remove all the negative thoughts inside your head.”

They just laughed after that and the heavy atmosphere from earlier returned to the subtle evening breeze of late spring. It’s always been like that between them, since they’re friends, of course there were times that it’s inevitable to argue, but they will resolve it as fast as they could in a very playful manner. Just like what Ryo used to say, it’s only with Sakuya that he could do these sorts of things, and the same goes for the latter.

“As expected, Saku is indeed special.” Ryo gleefully hummed. “I’m glad I met you. But do you want to know the entire thing?”

“Entire thing?”

“Yes, I mean, I know you have a lot of questions with you and I kind of surprised you with my circumstances.”

Sakuya contemplated. It’s not like he doesn’t want to know, but he won’t ever want Ryo to relive the pain once again; the least thing he would ask was for Ryo to get hurt and be uncomfortable. And maybe Ryo sensed his conflicted mind that’s why he patted his back while laughing. He even has the same comforting mannerism as his mother.

“You don’t have to worry, I want to tell you everything as well since… I don’t know—but really—I don’t really know, I just feel so free with you so maybe it’s fine to let all of my secrets be known because it’s with Sakuya after all.”

Sakuya knew if he could see his own reflection, he'd be able to witness the tenderness inside his eyes because how can someone be so sure of you to the point of trusting you with his vulnerability he’s been trying to mask all these times?

“It was during the second semester in our first year when my mother collapsed at work. We found out that it was Acute Myeloid Leukemia. We don’t know what to do at that time since we only have each other, and I’m still in high school. But her health keeps on deteriorating and she keeps on working to support the two of us, and it has come to the point that she has to be admitted to the hospital to receive treatment. It was incredibly expensive, and we’re very unfortunate. We sold our own house, and I started seeking part-time jobs, faking my age to be hired, while also begging for people to lend us some money. I’ve never felt so pathetic in my life, but what can I do? Pride has no right to exist if you’re poor.” Ryo entailed everything as if he was not having a hard time, Sakuya could only listen in silence. 

“The night before our graduation when you found me in the rain, I had a huge argument with my mother. I told her I won’t go to college, and she got so mad because to her, I was refraining myself to have a bright future. But college is so expensive, and I’d rather find a stable job so we could afford her treatments. And then… she told me something that even now, I feel like I’ll vomit while trying to remember it. She told me… she won’t have that much time so I should not waste it on uncertain things.”

He really doesn't know what to do, because how could he even find the right words to comfort him? Sakuya just chose to stay quiet, listening intently, and he saw how Ryo even gave him a reassuring smile after a heavy sigh because even his presence was enough for him.

“That’s why… Saku…” He smiled as he pulled his bag in front of him to show Sakuya the small green star keychain that he gave to him before. “This one was very special to me. Back then when I was consistently begging for kindness, and repeatedly being denied of everything—you suddenly appeared and without asking for anything in return, you showed me kindness that made me hold on for a little more.”

Just like how Ryo looked at him when he received the keychain for the first time, this was the same expression evident in his beautiful face, and Sakuya was falling all over again, and again, and again.

Sakuya sees the two of them walking far away from the hospital, so with a dejected sigh, he only waits until they’re no longer visible in his vision. But as soon as he is ready to go to the next door, he notices that the soul guide is not standing beside him.

“Where did he go?”

He searches the ground floor but there’s no sign of the guide in every place, so he decides to go back to the 8th floor to see if he’s still there, which he kind of doubts because there’s no way he’ll stay there. However, as the elevator reaches the floor, he is awestruck when he sees the guide just standing in front of the room where Ryo’s mother resides.

“What are you doing here?” He approached him with quiet steps, but the guide just ignored him and went inside the room. 

“How are you feeling?”

Sakuya suddenly sees a familiar face inside; Dr. Ameri Kikuchi, the doctor who helps Ryo and his mother before, financially and also for medical treatments. She was the one who allowed Ryo to be able to stay and live with his mother despite it being against the hospital’s rules. But what he’s seeing right now is something unusual from what he remembers. This doctor is somewhat very cold and professional whenever she visits Ryo’s mother for checkups, she’s so distant yet Ryo explained that it’s just her personality but the truth is, she’s a very warm person.

Yet, even knowing that, this scene still shocks him.

“Ran… I’ve told you to sleep early, why are you still up?” She said while wiping her forehead with warm cloth. “Listen to your doctor.”

Hirose Ran laughs as she hears that. “What a strict doctor you are, Ameri.”

They’re calling each other by their first names.

But what makes him more mystified is the fact that in her eyes… it lingers with something that Sakuya is quite very familiar with.

“Let’s go.”

He just managed to get his attention away from them when the guide beside him mumbled in a very strange way. As he looks upon him, he is staring endlessly at Hirose Ran’s face with an expression Sakuya can’t point out, or maybe he has a clue, but he can’t just assume things without knowing anything.

The door of the room suddenly turns into the same wooden door with vines, as they walk towards it, he hears the broken whisper from the soul guide.

“Ran… what a beautiful name. It’s a pity that orchids can’t be with the rain.”

It dawns on Sakuya what he actually means by that. The doctor’s name, Ameri, has the kanji of rain.

III.

Third Memory

“In a quiet world where they venture side by side, only the beats of their heart can be heard.”

After a very long day of preparation for the upcoming collaboration in the engineering department during their university’s cultural week, he was just walking the long road to reach his home at 11:30 pm. Sakuya was quite bummed because he wasn’t able to properly participate in their bukatsu for arts in which he just joined because Ryo was part of it. He couldn’t even afford to spend some precious time with Ryo the whole week because of their hectic schedule. With an exasperated sigh and the sound of his loud empty stomach, he just decided to eat some ramen as his dinner.

When he entered a shop near his studio apartment, he was just dragging his tired body to finally settle down on a seat near the counter.

“Good evening, sir! Are you ready to order?”

“Yes. Uhh, just one miso—wait… huh?”

He quickly looked up to the source of that voice and what greeted him was Ryo holding his laugh while hiding his face behind the small note pad.

“Ryo?! What are you doing here?”

He just laughed before showing a playful smirk. “Obiously, I work here.”

“Here? This is not the ramen shop where you work—hmp!”

Ryo quickly covered his mouth while giving him warning eyes. “Shhh! They’re competitors! I just have my shift in the morning in that shop, while here just on Saturdays 9 pm to 4 am.”

Sakuya was still processing everything before a man in chef attire walked up to the two of them.

“Ryo-chan, a friend of yours?”

Ryo quickly removed his hand on Sakuya’s mouth, straightened his body, and smiled awkwardly. “Ah, yes, he’s a friend of mine!”

“That’s nice. At this hour, he’s visiting you at work.” The man said followed with a laugh.

“It’s just a coincidence!”

“Yes, I want to see him.”

They simultaneously answered that made the man laugh even more.

“This much energy, must be nice being young.” He leisurely told them before he left.

Ryo glared at him, but he just shrugged and showed his signature teasing grin.

“What brings you here?” Ryo asked with an eyebrow slightly raised. How adorable.

“Obviously, I want to eat ramen.” He copied the way Ryo replied to him earlier with a smirk. He’s really enjoying teasing Ryo nowadays, his expressions were always amusing to see because even as frustrated as he can be, he was still so cute.

As he rolled his eyes, he just wrote something on the notepad before walking towards the counter. “Miso ramen, right? Just plain, without chili.”

Sakuya couldn’t help but grin even more because Ryo just knew his taste so well. After some time, he had finished his ramen but he wasn’t planning to go already. Since it’s Sunday tomorrow, perhaps it’ll be fine to stay late tonight since he wanted to wait until Ryo’s shift was over.

“Why are you still here, young man?” Ryo sat in front of him with his palms under his chin, since it’s just less people who eat at this hour, he was able to relax while constantly going to Sakuya’s side.

“Very handsome young man, you mean.” Sakuya retorted with a smirk and Ryo just looked at him with disgust that turned into an irritated smile.

“You see, we don’t really accept bystanders here. Go home, sir.”

“Bystander? I’m a customer.”

Ryo just laughed because Sakuya made a very funny face as he said that with too much enthusiasm.

“No, seriously, you look so tired. You should go home and rest, Saku.”

Instead of answering, he just stared at him with a playful smile that made Ryo furrow his brow.

“I already have plenty of rest just by looking at you.”

It was so sudden, Sakuya also thought that maybe it was the fatigue because he’s not really this forward with his feelings, but damn, it was really worth it because Ryo got flustered and his cheeks turned slightly pinkish as he averted his gaze. It was a victory.

“You’re going crazy. You need sleep.” Ryo sheepishly said, still looking elsewhere.

“I want to wait until your shift is over, if it’s okay. Since it’s Sunday, I don’t really have anything to do at home.” He pleaded with a soft baritone voice, which was an insane change from the way he kept on teasing Ryo earlier.

Before he could give an answer, a customer entered the shop and Ryo quickly tended to them. But as he walked past Sakuya’s table, he said in a small voice, “Just wait for me if you want. I’ll be done soon.”

…

“Otsukare!”

They’re outside the shop as it’s already 4 AM. Ryo was formally bidding his goodbye to the others as Sakuya waited at the side. As if done, Ryo went to him, yawning and stretching his arms as he clutched the strap of his bag.

“Let’s go?”

“Wait.” Sakuya stopped him from walking, Ryo looked back at him with confusion, so he just smiled a little while scratching his head. “Is there any space in your bag? Can I put my laptop inside?”

Ryo was quite dumbfounded at first before he giggled. “Why are you so nervous? Here, you can put your laptop here. There’s still enough space.” He gave his entire bag to Sakuya without hesitation.

As he got it, he put his laptop, and wore the strap of the bag in front of him as he walked hurriedly. Ryo quickly trailed behind him with a perplexed expression.

“What are you doing?” Ryo chuckled.

“My laptop is inside, so I should be the one holding your bag.” He said in a cool way, but he was swallowing nonstop to hide his embarrassment. But the next thing he knew, Ryo was suddenly in front of him with both of his hands behind his back, looking up to him while slightly leaning his body with a bright smile.

“You could have just asked to hold my bag for me, you don’t have to do all that.”

You are really lethal.

It was a defeat when his intention was busted, but at the same time, he couldn’t help but smile the reserved smile he has just for Ryo, Sakuya knew he still won after seeing this spectacle right in front of his eyes. They’re under the orange-tinged fluorescent light of the post that illuminated the two of them, the quiet dawn, and the sound of their beating hearts—nothing mattered right now but just him and Ryo.

As they continued to walk, Sakuya noticed how Ryo kept on looking up to the sky with his eyes as bright as the stars above. His expression was just like that pure wonder of a child seeing the full moon for the first time. It’s the moments like these that Sakuya always treasured within him; being with Ryo and seeing his smile.

“Saku, which one do you prefer? The sunrise or the sunset?”

“Suddenly?” It caught him off-guard because Ryo opened a topic he never considered being brought up right now.

“Yeah, so which one?”

Sakuya scratched his chin, quite confused by the question, but he was thinking of a nice answer. “Maybe… the sunset? It’s beautiful, the colors and the whole scene as well, especially at the sea side or any bodies of water. Once it was reflected, the hues became even more vibrant and very romantic.”

Ryo hummed and smiled at him as he heard his response. “Right? It was indeed beautiful during sunset.”

He sensed that there was some hidden meaning behind those words, “Why? Do you not like the sunset?”

“No, it’s not that I dislike it. I just prefer the sunrise.” He chuckled. “Wait, I’ll show you my favorite place here.”

He was now being dragged by his sleeves as they turned left behind an abandoned building. As they went to it, Sakuya was shocked as he saw a clear river with the water that could probably reach just their knees. He was never aware that there was something like this here even before.

“I discovered it after my second day at the shop.” Ryo told him with a proud smile.

Whenever they’re kind of running out of words to say, there was always this comfortable silence that surrounded them. It was not awkward, it was not a moment of chagrin, it’s just them enjoying their presence without any worries of boredom, and Sakuya always savored every bit of it. But as he looked at Ryo beside him, he saw how his eyes were now filled with a different emotion. He was still staring above, but unlike earlier, it was not out of wonder, but that sorrow of waiting.

“You see, sunset is often associated with beautiful endings. The indication that the day was already over, and I always just get anxious whenever I see the horizon being colored in those hues. I prefer the sunrise more because it means I still have another day to spend with her, and it’s only the beginning.” Ryo was spacing out as he said those words, he was so focused on the sky that Sakuya could notice how much he meant those words.

“This was also my favorite hour, Saku—the silent blue. The fleeting and ambiguous hour where I could witness the transition of the sky from night to morning. It was just so calm, and I feel so free whenever I wait for the sun to rise here.”

Perhaps it’s not just the world that was surrounded by blue right now, no, he was certain that there was this deep and agonizing blues living inside Ryo’s heart, and it was catastrophic for his love that was not enough to at least provide warmth to his cold days. Sakuya didn’t know what to do, but he was so sure that he wanted to do something, anything, everything, just for him.

 And the only thing he was capable of was to pray for the sun to always rise.

“I just noticed that your most cherished memories are always full of sadness. Why is that?”

Sakuya can’t even think of any form of retaliation because it’s very obvious that what the soul guide just told him is the truth. But it’s not that he is just treasuring those sad days, for him, any minute, even a millisecond is valuable as long as it was spent with Ryo. Maybe he just chooses those memories as more important because it was the highlight of what they went through together.

“You’re not even going to answer me?”

“I prefer your previous behavior earlier of being quiet.” He just said with pure annoyance.

“Oh? Is this the right way to talk to people older than you?” The soul guide retorted while crossing his arms.

“I’m already 84 years old, you know?”

The soul guide scoffed as he looked at him. “Well, I’m way older than you. I’ve got my memories back and you’re just a brat when I’m already in college.”

“Huh?” Sakuya asked, “What do you mean? Do you know me?”

Sakuya notices the subtle twitch on his lips but the guide just brushes him off like his typical way of avoiding anything by walking ahead.

“Not really, I don’t really know you.”

“You’re quite suspicious. Why did you stay in the hospital instead of following Ryo and my younger self like the usual?” Sakuya started because there’s no way he’ll allow this soul guide to get away from anything again just like that. “And… it’s quite weird, the way you look at his mother.”

“What’s weird about that? I’ve told you before, I’m curious.”

That’s not just mere curiosity, Sakuya is certain of it. That gaze holds something more than just being interested, it was very much melancholy… and almost grieving. This guide’s mannerism, his stoic behavior, and the way he always shows his professionalism from the moment they met—it’s like he is actually that person. That maybe he is—

“We’re here.”

IV.

Fourth Memory

“To reach for the stars is to let go of everything; my dear, you’re the only one I can let go.”

“Oh? You’re here already, Saku.” Ryo greeted him with a big smile as he arrived at their club room. 

It was Wednesday night and they happened to be both free at the same time to help with the background painting needed for their cultural week. Their bukatsu in their university aside from their own departments was the art club, not because they’re aspiring artists or anything, it’s just that it was the most generous club who gives allowance to the members. Ryo joined after learning about this, and Sakuya just followed him.

“Will there be other members who’ll come besides us?”

Sakuya shrugged while folding his sleeves, “I don’t really know. It’s just the two of us who responded to the group chat.” I hope it’s just us! He coolly brushed his hair up while preventing himself from smiling because of what he just pathetically screamed inside his head.

“Then, shall we start?”

Their task was not that much complicated, they’re not assigned to make the murals because it’ll be a disaster as they’re not really skilled with anything related to art. They just needed to paint the 6 wooden backgrounds with flat colors and the other members would be the one to do the heavy workload of drawing.

They’re just focused on their own, though Sakuya was stealing glances from time to time because seeing Ryo in an artist apron was quite a sight to behold. It was when Ryo broke the silence by starting the conversation, “What’s the theme of the cultural event of our club by the way?”

“According to Himura-san, it’s ‘Art transcends even hardship’ in which they just needed to show how art is the key for anything.”

Instead of responding, he just nodded. Though it’s quite obvious he’s pondering about something from the way he’s staring at the wood while applying paint onto it.

“Is it, really?” He was stunned when Ryo suddenly whispered in a very vague way. “I mean, art is art. For artists, it’s their language, their tool, their everything. But in this world, a lot of them are not allowed to speak, can’t hold a tool, won’t be able to embrace everything. Art is art, but I don’t think it can transcend hardship when there are flames that are dying, their passion is slowly disappearing, and it’s all because of hardship itself.”

“That’s… true.” It’s the only thing he could say because he knew where Ryo was coming from. If this could be correlated to his situation, it was him choosing business over pursuing his dream of being an aerospace engineer because this was the most practical way on his part. It’s true but… Sakuya wanted to say something that he hoped it’s not too far-fetched or insensitive, it’s just that he wanted to at least give Ryo a new motivation, if it could be considered as one, to continue reaching for what his heart truly desires.

“Ryo…” He was quite nervous, but he got up from sitting on the floor to sit closer to where Ryo was painting. As he settled beside him, he showed a reassuring smile as he carefully held his hand. “You know, some dreams don’t die, they just become dormant. I believe, and I always hope, that once the world stops its chaos, when it’s already fine, when everything’s okay already, those dreams can still be awakened and be fulfilled.”

He didn’t notice that he got so close to Ryo that there’s only a few inches between their foreheads for them to touch, so he mindedly scooted on his left side as he cleared his throat, and he heard Ryo’s soft giggles because he moved so animated in a very funny way.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’ve got such a great way with your words?” Ryo teasingly said.

Sakuya chuckled without making a sound because he just found it so funny and amusing that it suddenly came into this when minutes before this, they’re being so serious. “Of course, I even got awards for poetry during my elementary days. No one can defeat my roses are red, violets are blue lines.”

“You’re always so fun—wah!”

The light inside their clubroom went out, or precisely, in the whole university. Sakuya didn’t know he possessed the skill of moving faster than the wind because he was practically hugging Ryo right now as soon as the room went dark—and it’s not because he was taking advantage of the situation, he was just startled… and maybe yes, partly he was kinda elated by the opportunity so he was fighting against himself inside his mind whether to panic or to jump in joy because he’s holding Ryo in his arms.

“We should go and ask them what happened. Is it because of the strong wind earlier?” Ryo was too calm in this situation, and still trying to assess the reason behind the power block out. “I heard there’s a storm coming, which was quite odd considering it’s July and already summer.”

“Yeah, maybe—” 

He should’ve noticed it the moment their skins touched, but he was so caught up with the thrill that he failed to see what’s actually happening. 

Sakuya was afraid of darkness, and it’s all because he believed in ghosts and supernatural beings. When he was a child, his mother used those scary folk tales to persuade him to sleep early at night. Even today, he still believed that those creatures actually do exist. He was scared, but he was not trembling out of fear. He was just scared of his own childish imagination. That’s why he was so disappointed in himself when he finally became cognizant of the fact that there were faint tremors on Ryo’s shoulder despite him trying to act like he was composed earlier.

“Ryo… are you afraid of the dark?” He subtly flinched as he heard that question, and Sakuya just rubbed his back to comfort him.

He let out a tired laugh as he shook his head. “Not of darkness… but the rain. I have this weird perception that every time it rains, the world just becomes even lonelier. But not anymore…”

“Hmm?” Sakuya just kept on patting his back as he listened to him.

Ryo slowly looked up to him, he was smiling in a very gentle and beautiful way that Sakuya thought that if the world would end right now, he’ll be thankful to have his last memory being this smiling face in front of him. “When Sakuya pulled me out of the rain that time, I am less afraid of it now.”

Asymptote; if he could describe everything in one word, it’ll be this one. The proximity between their faces was narrower than the size of a finger, one small move and… and… probably, probably, he’ll meet the afterlife sooner than later.

First, he was staring at his eyes. Those star-like orbs slowly blinking, those pure crystals looking back at him. Then, his eyes traced every feature on his face: his lashes, his cheeks, his moles, and his lips. And as if enchanted, Sakuya gradually raised his right hand to delicately touch the corner of his eyes. Ryo caught his hand and leaned his face against it, the reflection on his eyes mirroring what’s trapped inside Sakuya’s heart. He was sure of it, he was certain of this.

Unhurriedly, like they have all the time in the world, they started to close the gap until their noses bumped against each other’s cheeks. Sakuya tilted his face, his other hand on Ryo’s waist, while he’s looking for the right angle as he tenderly touches his small face, his fingers starting to softly touch Ryo’s lower lip… and then they both leaned at the same time, almost, almost meeting half-way, warm steady breaths, and the loud beats started to win over the loud sounds of the thunderclap outside.

But before the magic was fully casted, it suddenly stopped the moment Ryo pulled away from Sakuya’s embrace and lowered his head. The light went back, and the only thing remaining was the heavy atmosphere of awkwardness and silence.

Sakuya, for the first time, was very determined. He was certain that Ryo permitted him to kiss him, and his eyes, there’s no way those emotions in his eyes were the products of his delusion. It wasn’t an illusion, he knew it wasn’t an illusion, and he wanted to confirm the truth from him. There was a proper distance between friends, and they both knew they had long crossed it before.

With a heavy heart, he bravely asked, “Ryo, am I mistaken about something?”

Ryo just acted as if nothing just happened and proceeded to pick up the brush again. “About what, Saku? We should finish this before the storm—”

“Please tell me if it’s real, please tell me.” It’s the first time he cut off Ryo’s words because of frustration. “Or if I’m just mistaken about this, about us.”

“I don’t really know what you're talking about.” A firm and very reprimanding way of wanting to stop the conversation already.

“Ryo, you know it too, right? That I’m in—”

“Don’t! Please don’t say it!” He yelled, holding the brush tightly as he squeezed his eyes shut.

Sakuya froze the moment he heard that broken voice. Ryo was begging him not to confess. But what shocked him more was when he looked at him with a dejected forced smile on his trembling lips.

“Don’t say anything. P-please?”

“I’m sorry…”

Perhaps, he was actually mistaken so instead of pushing it more, he just went quiet and Ryo also acted normally as he began his strokes of paint to the wood. 

He was definitely rejected. 

There’s no other term to name it, he was, unequivocally rejected. However, it’s not like he was befriending Ryo as his gateway to make his moves and his feelings to be reciprocated. He’s in love with him for 4 years before they even got the chance to have a proper conversation. Being with him like this, being friends, it’s already enough so he doesn’t know why he suddenly got selfish and became too full of himself. He should be content to be part of his life, but he knew if he could see his face, he was wearing a regretful expression.

“Sakuya, are you familiar with maladaptive daydreaming?”

He stopped the movement of his hands and turned to him, “Ah… was it lucid dreaming?”

Ryo smiled to himself while still focused on applying paint to the wood. “No, they’re different. You see, lucid dreaming happens when you’re asleep and you’re conscious of what you’re doing inside your dreams. On the other hand, maladaptive daydreaming happens while you’re awake but your consciousness is traveling in a different dimension because you prefer it to your reality.”

“Why… all of a sudden?” He consciously asked.

Ryo slowly turned to him, a small smile etched onto his lips. “Because you are not mistaken.”

As if his world suddenly stopped spinning, Sakuya opened his mouth without saying anything and he dropped his brush due to the bewilderment. “W-what do you mean?”

Ryo shook his head and averted his gaze again but his smile never vanished. “You see, I am tied with my reality. I’m terrified that once I hear you say those words, I’ll abandon everything to stay in that dream because I'm too euphoric. But I’m aware that I have no luxury to do so. Sakuya, in this world, even love is also expensive.”

Even love is also expensive. 

Sakuya was too stupid, he thought to himself. He was so stupid to just prioritize himself and his feelings and acted selfishly upon it. He could feel his stomach churning and his chest started to feel tight, he became the reason for Ryo’s pain right now.

“If you look hard enough, you’ll notice that the kanji for happiness (幸) has the symbol of yen (¥) in the middle. It might be subtle, and some may say it’s a pointless thing to give emphasis with, but isn’t it the truth? I don’t know why people deny that money is not everything. If we have the money, maybe we’re not suffering. If love is enough, then maybe the hospital will treat my mother as soon as I tell them how much I love her without asking for payment. If love is enough, I should be happy, but then why the character for pain (辛) is just happiness but only missing one stroke to complete it? Sakuya, love is not enough, even if I want it to be enough, it’s futile.”

“Ryo—” He tried to reach for him, but Ryo stood up while holding his bag.

“That’s why! That’s why… please don’t say it… for now, please don’t say it just yet.”

As he finished his sentence, he hurriedly fled the clubroom still wearing the apron and Sakuya was left all alone while the rain poured endlessly.

“What…”

Sakuya notices the hard stares he’s getting from the soul guide after they leave the clubroom to move forward to the fifth door.

“You almost kissed him.” The soul guide told with scrutinizing eyes while making a judgeful face. “And without even telling your feelings first.”

He can’t argue that because it’s the truth and even until now, he’s still feeling so guilty whenever he thinks of it, so he bashfully purses his lips and walks straight ahead.

“Fujinaga-kun, aren’t you crazy?” Now, he’s sounding like a strict parent who just witnessed his son being flirted with by someone.

… huh?

“Excuse me?” He confusedly asked as he went back to stand in front of him.

“What?”

“You, what you just called me?” When he was about to escape again, he caught his wrist. “I’m so sure you are not Ryo, when I saw your hand for the first time earlier when you wanted to shake hands, you might actually manage to perfectly imitate his rough hands, but the scar in the lower part of his palm was missing. Even your mannerism, your speech patterns, and the way your eyes observe things—you, who are you? Or maybe, I have an idea about your real identity.”

Despite the demanding and forceful way of Sakuya to get some answer to the soul guide, he is only being stared at with a blank expression. But the guide suddenly grins at him as he removes the hand holding his wrist.

“I never knew you’re very perceptive, you seem the type to be easily swayed by your emotions… even way before, Fujinaga-kun.” He put his hand behind his back and laughed heartily. “Well, it’s not like we’re supposed to hide our identities to the souls we’re guiding to the afterlife, it just happens when the deceased is somehow we know from the past. They told me you are someone who has the vital memories for me to remember again, I accepted this duty, and they’re right.”

Before Sakuya can ask a question, the guide suddenly gets enveloped by the light that he has to cover his eyes due to its strong radiance. As the light fades out, Sakuya finally confirms that he is right all along about his intuition.

“When did you notice it’s me?” The voice is in a low tone and it’s very mature, the stance, and their posture is different from when they still have Ryo’s appearance. He vaguely remembers when he heard the news of her accident five months after the series of unfortunate events in their lives.

“Since I saw your eyes looking at her, Dr. Kikuchi.”

She adjusted the frame of her eyeglasses and turned around to continue their journey to the last door.

“How come? What did you see that made you suspicious of me?”

Sakuya is following her slow steps, the sound that her heels produce in each stride is quite distracting and eerie for the empty streets. And just like in the past, he has always been intimidated by her strong presence.

“The same eyes as mine whenever I look at Ryo.”

She laughs as if amused, but Sakuya won’t miss how her shoulders slumped as she hears that. “So, we’re both fools then… you, who keep on hoping for impossible things, and I, who keep on waiting even if I already forgot those memories.”

They both stop simultaneously as they reach the old church’s door.

“This is the last door. After regaining my memories, I can now rightfully warn you of what you will see inside because we’re both aware of what will happen.” She said while making a way for Sakuya to stand right in front of the door. “Will you still proceed?”

He hesitates, of course he will, because behind this door is the memory that keeps on hunting him in his dreams, in all those nights he looks at the sky and there is not a single star available, in all those mornings the sun is not enough to grace the world with its brightness. 

In all those days he badly wants to give up on living.

But still, if he won’t be able to face it, how long will he regret that time he was not there when Ryo needed him the most? This is the only way he can see what actually happened, and even if he won’t be able to do anything to prevent it, he still wants to be with him anyway.

“Yes… I will enter this door.”

She smiles as if to comfort Sakuya, “What a brave soul, you are…”

V.

Fifth Memory

“Wishing upon a shooting star is quite ironic; you’re whispering dreams to something that’s already falling.”

“Sakuya-kun, are you going to invite Ryo-chan to go to the star festival on Thursday with you?”

He almost choked without even drinking anything as he heard that question from Ryo’s mother. He’s currently lodging here as they celebrated Ryo’s birthday earlier, sharing a cake he bought for them as Ryo also cooked some dishes in the hospital’s cafeteria. Sakuya was left alone with Hirose-san, Ryo went out to the doctor’s office to consult about something, and he was here, trying to peel an apple in a rabbit shape, but failing miserably.

It’s been a month since that awkward situation happened in their clubroom. After that, as if they both tried to forget anything, they just went back to normal and they never brought it back to the light again. Perchance it was their way to avoid any conflicts; everything’s already complicated, Sakuya thought that he could just wait again for the perfect timing like he always did.

“He told me he has work that day…” He answered while continuing to peel the apples that are not recognizable anymore.

In Ishikawa, they celebrate the tanabata festival on August 7 instead of the original on the 7th of July. It’s quite a big festival during summer where people watch fireworks displays and hang colorful tanzaku strips on bamboo branches with their wishes.

“Just try. You know, he’ll be happy to spend it with you.” She cooed at him while eating the apples despite its appearance. “Ryo-chan changed when he met you.”

Sakuya stopped as he heard that. Changed? In what way? He didn’t notice anything at all, he always thought Ryo was still the same person from the first time he met him. Did I fail as an admirer?

He didn’t notice that he was actually furrowing his brows until he heard Hirose-san’s loud chuckles. “You looked troubled. I mean it in a positive way. Ryo-chan became gloomy when I was hospitalized, but he suddenly became cheerful again because of you. I’ll be forever grateful to you, Sakuya-kun.”

“I didn’t do anything… I will ask him later about the festival.” His ears were flaming, and he knew he looked sheepish as he lowered his head.

“But can I ask Sakuya-kun a favor?”

He quickly looked up to her with confident eyes. “Yes! Anything, I’ll do it!”

Sakuya regretted the overflowing energy that he just emitted, because the next words he heard broke him apart.

“Can you stay by Ryo’s side even if I’m no longer here?”

…

Sakuya never mentioned anything to Ryo about his conversation with his mother, though every time he remembered those words, he was spacing out to the point that he needed to be hit on his shoulders to bring his consciousness to reality by his blockmates. He did ask Ryo to go with him to the Star Festival, and he accepted the offer since he has 2 hours of break time in his work at the takoyaki stand. Those three days of waiting passed by.

The street was vibrant with the lanterns and colorful designs made by the locals. There are already strips of paper hanging on the bamboo despite the event just barely starting. But if you think about it, the mythological story behind this festival was quite poignant. Orihime and Hikoboshi were only allowed to meet each other once a year at the night of 7th after being separated by the Amanogawa, they couldn’t even spend the entire day, and for all those moments that they kept waiting, all they had was an ample of time to be together.

“Did you wait for too long?” 

He felt the presence standing beside him as he was spacing out again, and as he heard Ryo’s voice who was faintly panting, he looked upon him and almost got his heart ripped out of his chest because what he’s seeing right now was definitely something worth celebrating.

Ryo is wearing a blue yukata.

“Not at all!” It's laughable that he seemed to be so excited by the way he raised his voice and he gradually tensed up. He was just so shocked seeing Ryo in this outfit because he was so incredibly pretty, it might be a crime to stare at him. His neck line was exposed, and the obi on his waist was tied in a ribbon in front instead of the usual way of tying it at the back.

“I’m sorry, as soon as I was told to take my break, I immediately went to find you and didn’t have the time to change.” Ryo said while scratching his cheek in a bashful way. “Is it too weird? It was our work clothes, but my co-worker helped me to style it this way…”

“No, not weird at all! You look amazing!” Now he sounded like a stiff robot while his eyes were quivering. He might actually look so dumb right now. “You look beautiful…”

“... shall we go?”

Ryo quickly turned around and walked away first, but Sakuya caught how his cheeks were rising uncontrollably and his ears were burning red while he’s staring at the back of his head.

They went to every booth to play games; they tried the scooping of fish in which Sakuya was more skilled to the point of being boastful enough to bet that he can caught the koi fish just using the thin paper, and as expected, he embarrassingly failed and dramatically screamed. Ryo was just laughing beside him even though he knew the other customers were looking at them as if they’re insane. The next  game they tried after calming Sakuya down was the shooting rink, Ryo was the best on this one. He aimed at the prices and managed to get at least 3 out of 5 of it. Those are just coupons for the food stands beside the game booths and he shared it with Sakuya who failed five times.

“No, I was so sure I could get the koi fish. That old man played dirty tricks.” Sakuya complained while eating the yakisoba with too much agitation.

“You’re thinking too much, it’s just impossible. That fish was too big.” Ryo laughed as he put his garbage inside the trash can beside their seats. “It’s almost time, shall we head to the bamboo trees?”

When Sakuya looked at his wrist watch, he quickly ate all of the noodles in one gulp because they only have 15 minutes before Ryo’s shift again. He almost choked and Ryo gave him water while laughing. He was actually concerned by the fact that he might actually look so lame today, but who cares, his goal was fulfilled, Ryo kept on laughing and smiling the entire time while they’re together.

As they headed to the huge bamboo tree, they both got a single strip for each other. Since tanzaku has colors representing something that a person would want to wish for, Sakuya got yellow as he was wishing for something in terms of relationship and luck while Ryo got the red one for family safety and gratitude. They’re just silently writing for their wishes when Sakuya finished first and he was stealing glances on Ryo’s side.

“What are you doing?” Ryo muttered while still writing.

“W-wha—nothing!” Sakuya whistled to act normal.

Ryo looked at him with teasing suspicions. “You’re peeking at my paper.”

“No?” He still tried to act normal and still failed to do so.

Sakuya peeked again when Ryo continued to write until he was stopped by a small hand placed in front of him. “Reading a wish is like saying your birthday wish, it won’t come true!”

“That’s not the same thing!” Sakuya protested, “I’m just curious!”

Ryo just laughed at him as he placed the marker back at the table. “No, you can’t read mine. I won’t read yours either.”

“You can read mine, so let me read yours!”

“I don’t want to?” Ryo was teasing him, and Sakuya just surrendered with a sigh. Though he might sound desperate, he has so much respect for Ryo that even if he will have the chance to read his wish later on, he won’t still do that because he was not allowed by him.

Though it’s quite crazy that he actually proposed the idea of letting Ryo read his paper when he literally wrote a very cringe-worthy wish among all the wishes here.

I like Ryo’s smiling face, that’s why I will always make him smile. Let me stay by his side.

“Time sure flies so fast, right?” Ryo stretched his arms, “I’m really happy I spent this night with you, Saku. Thank you for inviting me.”

Sakuya showed his signature boyish smirk as he gently ruffled Ryo’s hair. “Don’t mention it. I’ll accompany you to the takoyaki stand before I go home.”

They just walked in silence while still savoring the night. It was indeed a very remarkable moment for the two of them, and neither wanted to part ways.

“Ah—Ryo-chan.” A university student emerged from the booth, “Your phone keeps on ringing earlier.”

“Thank you so much for telling me, Mamoru-san.” He turned to Sakuya and showed a small smile. “So, uhm, goodbye for now. Thank you so much for tonight, Saku.”

Sakuya showed a thumbs up while smiling widely. “Let’s go back again next time.”

Before Ryo went inside the booth, he smiled again at him and waved his hand. Sakuya turned back and started walking while he’s recalling all the things they did today, maybe these memories will follow him later on in his dreams.

He was just walking leisurely when suddenly, he saw Ryo run past him while holding his phone. He was baffled at first but he quickly followed him with big strides, and as he caught him, he saw how his face was so pale to the point of looking like he just saw a ghost.

“Ryo? What happened?” He cautiously asked, but Ryo was still out of it and he still didn’t put his phone down from his ears.

“H-hospital—hospital! Hospital… I need to go to the—I need to go—hospital! I need to—”

“Ryo! Breathe! Please!” Sakuya saw how Ryo was already hyperventilating. He was now aware of what happened so he quickly called for a taxi and pulled Ryo inside.

“Ishikawa Prefectural Central Hospital please.” He calmly told the driver while rubbing Ryo’s back, he was also panicking inside but he didn't have time for that because Ryo was not properly breathing right now.

“Saku—uhhh… Saku… hospital! Please! I need to go—-ahh! Please!”

He caressed his temples and pulled him into a hug, but Ryo was thrashing around and shaking so much. “Shhh… Ryo, everything’s okay. We’ll get there soon… Hirose-san is okay… Please…”

As soon as they went inside the hospital, they chose to ignore the concern stares from the people close to Ryo and immediately headed to the elevator. Ryo was staggering and kept on bumping into people as he ran, and he was not looking back, so Sakuya was the one giving the apology. What’s happening? Hirose-san, please… please be well.

When they reached the 8th floor, Ryo ran as fast as he could that he stumbled and got up again as if nothing just happened. Sakuya was trailing behind him with worry but his world stopped when he saw the familiar figure of the doctor sitting on the floor outside near the room with her head down.

“Okaasan—where’s okaasan?” Ryo opened the door and went in, and Sakuya just stayed outside to approach the doctor.

“Dr. Kikuchi…” He called but there was no response until they heard a loud scream inside the door. “Dr. Kikuchi… please tell me it’s not real.”

She slowly shook her head, and Sakuya saw her grim expression with exhausted hollow eyes as tears were streaming down her face uncontrollably. “Fujinaga-kun… Ryo, please never leave Ryo’s side from now on.”

When he stood up again and looked inside the room, Ryo was crying as he was screaming his lungs out, calling for anyone to help, pleading, and hugging his mother’s cold body. 

He was begging to the God who never answered his prayers.

I never thought that I could be happy again. I hope it’ll last for a very long time.

 

- Hirose Ryo's wish on tanzaku

…

When Sakuya thinks that the memory is finally over, the scene suddenly changes while the soul guide—Dr. Kikuchi is just standing beside him with a grieving expression. This place is different from any other places in Ishikawa, he’s sure that this is Kyoto based on the structures of houses and the Kamogawa river near the house’s door in which they’re currently standing in front.

“Where are we?”

Before answering, he notices how she hesitates to say something because of the amount of times she tries to open her mouth.

“Dr. Kikuchi, where are we?”

“We’re… inside Ryo’s memories.” She finally declared while looking so dispirited. “Your soul is subconsciously trying to find the reason why he did that to the point that it becomes your last goal before you go to the afterlife. Humans cannot have something like unfinished business before they enter heaven, so this is their way to help you solve it.”

He is about to ask something when someone walks through them, and Sakuya sees Ryo in his clothes before he goes missing.

Ryo knocks at the door with hesitation in his movements, his shoulders are tense, and he looks like he hasn’t gotten any proper sleep since then. Frankly, Sakuya knows the reason, because his mother just recently passed away this time around and they buried her just yesterday before this.

He knocks again when no one answers, and still, as if it’s an empty house, he’s still standing without getting any response inside. For his third time, at his first knock, an old lady suddenly emerges from the door and instead of apologizing, she looks at Ryo with an irritated face and three people are looking behind her with the same expression.

“What do you want? Are you a scammer?” The lady started, eyeing Ryo with disgust.

Ryo quickly vows and mutters an apology, “I’m not a scammer. I’m Hirose Ryo.”

“Hirose? I don’t recall a relative with the same name as yours. You’re clearly a scammer.” An old man chimed in while also judging Ryo.

“I am not! Please believe me. I’m Hirose Ran’s son.” He said with a trembling voice. As soon as they heard his mother’s name, the old lady looked at him with visible shock and the man furrowed his brows.

“So you’re not a scammer… what do you think you’re doing here?” Ryo thought that as soon as they heard his mother’s name, they would finally welcome him, but their expression has gotten even more sour to the point that it’s an evident disgust towards him.

“Okaasan… passed away three days ago. I found your address in an old photograph she cherishes, and I thought that I should inform her parents about this. I’m your… g-grandson…” He bashfully declared, and before Sakuya could even react, Ryo was suddenly pushed to the ground by the old lady who is supposed to be his grandmother.

“How dare you call yourself my grandson? You are nothing but a product of sexual assault that she didn’t abort, which ruined her life, and now she’s dead because of you. It’s all because of you! How dare you go here!” The old lady was hysterically screaming, trying to throw small stones, while the old man was just standing beside her without doing anything. “She’s a failure, so why would I even care if she dies already. Being in a relationship with a woman, getting raped by an upperclassman, and choosing to give birth to a trash like you. So go away and never show your face again here!”

Sakuya runs as he tries to shield him with his body, but the stones just go through his body.

“Stop! Stop!” He screamed, those people just kept on mocking and insulting Ryo, calling him names and everything and Ryo was just at the ground, speechless from everything as his temple was hit by a large stone that he bleeded. “I said stop! Stop!”

Sakuya can’t do anything but to shed tears and to embrace Ryo without being able to touch him, he can’t do anything as these people completely shatter the heart and the soul of his beloved.

“Please… stop…”

The scene suddenly changes, and now Sakuya is looking at Ryo’s back while he is facing the river behind the abandoned building he showed him once.

…

It’s silent blue.

Ryo is humming a familiar song Sakuya knows as his mother’s favorite to play on the piano.

As time goes by, his voice is gradually fading, and as if just waiting for the perfect timing, he removes his shoes and the keychain on his bag to hold it in his hand as he walks to the river. Sakuya already knows what will happen, but he still runs towards him and tries to grasp his wrist, and he is failing each time. 

This is just a memory, just a memory, he cannot do anything anymore. But he still tries, and tries, and tries.

As Ryo submerges to the water, since it’s only reaching his knees, he lies on the stone floor of the river while looking up to the sky. There’s no emotion anymore evident in his eyes, but his hand is clutching tightly to the green star keychain on top of his chest. He slowly lowers his head, until he can’t breathe underwater anymore.

“Ryo! Please, get up! Please, I’m begging you!”

It’s futile. Fujinaga Sakuya, it’s futile.

At silent blue, his favorite hour, because he can see the transition of the night to the day, and he is in the place where he can happily watch the sunrise every time he goes home—the surrounding is still covered in darkness, and the sky is now forming heavy clouds, as the rain starts to fall.

Ryo died while waiting for the sun to come out, but it didn’t rise, and it will never shine again.

“Why… am I going to heaven?”

He asks the soul guide while he is on his knees. He knows that the scene already changes, and he’s now in the promised place for the last 2 minutes of this journey.

“Fujinaga-kun, you already know the answer to that question.” She shortly replied, and unquestionably, she was also affected by the scene they both just watched unfolded in front of their eyes.

“I cursed the world, I cursed God, I stopped praying, and I stopped asking for forgiveness for my sins because it doesn’t matter anymore. So why am I going to heaven?” He repeated with emphasis to each word. “Why would God give me a chance like this when they never answered at crucial times? Tell me!”

“I don’t really know what to say… but one thing’s for sure, Ryo prayed for you. His last prayer was dedicated only to you, and God heard him.”

Sakuya can’t control the anger surging in his heart as he hears that again. “Then why only that time! Ryo prayed so many times! So many times! So why of all the prayers he could fulfill, why did he choose this pointless one?”

The soul guide looks at him, “Pointless? You’re calling this pointless?”

“Yes! Pointless! I am not worth saving for that prayer to be heard, I don’t care, they can send me to hell right now!”

Ameri marches towards him as she slaps Sakuya across his cheeks. “How—you, h-how dare you say that! Ryo gave his everything just for this prayer and you’re asking to be sent to hell. You are indeed a pointless being!”

“That’s right! It’s a waste to use it for me! Why does God only answer when it’s already too late? That God should give Ryo a blessing instead of allowing this prayer to happen…”

“He did get a blessing!” Ameri exclaimed, tears are also welling up in her eyes. “While he is Ran’s blessing, Ryo also got a blessing!”

“And what the hell is it? He got nothing from God!”

“He got you!” She choked up as she was also crying right now. “Ryo considered you as his blessing! But you’re spouting nonsense right now and disrespecting his feelings! Do you even know how hard it is to pray for someone’s life while yours is already falling apart? In his last breath, the only one he was thinking in his last minutes was you, Sakuya!”

The tears that he is trying to conceal stream down his face like a broken dam that can’t be fixed anymore. He lowers his head and starts to sob quietly as he remembers all the things that just happened. He is useless, he can’t even help the person most dear to his heart. He is useless, and yet, Ryo considers him as his blessing.

Why is the world just cruel to the kind ones? Why is there a saying that God only gives the greatest trials to his strongest soldiers? Why is it so unfair that only those who received it got nothing in the end? Because Ryo is not there in heaven, and it’s just because of his chosen way when he left the world, and for Sakuya, there’s no greater paradise but to be with the person he’s been waiting all his life to meet again.

So, how can he be so thankful for it?

“Oh my~ I never thought you were a crybaby. Are you really?”

As he feels warm hands slowly caressing his cheeks and wiping his tears, he opens his eyes and sees his life again. As he remembers, it is the 7th of July today.

“Saku, did you wait for me?”

A blinding smile like the morning sunshine, the remarkable presence of the bright summer days.

“R-Ryo?”

???

The last 2 minutes

“I finally hold you again, my starlight.”

“R-Ryo? Is it really you, Ryo?” His tears ultimately stopped as he got up from kneeling. Sakuya reaches to touch his face, but halts midway as he carefully analyzes his face. The Ryo in front of him is not wearing his prescription glasses, he’s wearing a white yukata with golden feathers on its obi.

When he retracts his hand, Ryo quickly holds it with his two hands and places it to his cheeks as he smiles. “This is me. The real me.” He said in a soft tone, his eyes glistening with tears as he pleaded for Sakuya to believe him. “I miss you so much, so won’t you hug me already? I waited for you too…”

“It’s you… Is it really you…”

“Saku…”

That’s the cue for Sakuya as he quickly envelops him in his arms. He is tugging at every corner of Ryo’s body, trying to remember his warmth, as he kisses his forehead with tears in his eyes. He buries his face at the crook of his neck and he feels the familiar gentle pats at his back. 

Sakuya never felt more alive than he is right now while he’s already half-way through to the afterlife.

…

When they both finally calm down, they just decided to sit at the seaside while watching the sun setting at the horizon.

“I have a question.” Ryo started while playing with Sakuya’s large hand holding his. “When did you first fall for me?”

He dramatically coughs as he chokes up when he hears that. Sakuya clears his throat to regain his composure.

“Why all of a sudden…”

“Nothing, just curious.” Ryo said but it’s clear that he’s teasing him. “You seemed so down bad for me.”

He was obvious?!

But instead of showing that he’s quite flustered, he smirks and hugs him tightly. “It was love at first sight during the release of the passers for the entrance examination in High School. You are so pretty, I was already imagining a future with you.” He teased him too because from his experience, Ryo is the type to get flustered easily if he’s being flirted with directly, and he’s not wrong because he’s now furrowing his brows while his cheeks are burning red.

“You’re funny. Why didn't you become a comedian?” Ryo quippily remarked and Sakuya could only laugh heartily after seeing him being cutely annoyed again.

“How about Ryo, when did he fall in love with me?”

Ryo raises an eyebrow, “I already told you before though?”

“Huh? I don’t remember.” The only time Sakuya remembers is when he was rejected and then later on, Ryo clarified that it’s not a rejection in a vague way.

“I’ve told you about it before!” Ryo exclaimed with a pout, “Well, for me, it’s love at first kindness. It was during our 2nd year, when you gave me that green star keychain.”

Oh.

Oh.

“Ugh… You’re so annoying.” This was the only thing Ryo could utter when he saw the satisfied grin on Sakuya’s stupidly handsome face.

“Ryo is also down bad for me too, huh.”

“No? I’m not though? What the hell are you saying?” He quickly denied. Sakuya chuckled because Ryo looked so offended.

“Wow, not when I admitted the same thing earlier and here you are, hurting me like this.” He dramatically acted while using Ryo’s fist to hit his chest. They both just laughed because it sounded so ridiculous that they knew they'd cringe later on.

It’s been a long time since they had a leisure time like this; talking mindlessly and just enjoying each other’s company. Though admittedly, this is momentarily, and it could vanish any minute from now, but the only thing they could do instead of worrying was to live right at this moment even if it’s just fleeting.

“Ryo…” He called, he was holding Ryo’s hand tightly because even now, he can’t really believe that this was not just a dream.

He is leaning at Sakuya’’s chest while they’re facing the sea, he just hums as reply, but later on replies with a short, “Yes?”

“If you’re not in heaven, where are you in the afterlife?” It’s the question he was so afraid to ask, but he still wanted to know the truth because what will happen after everything is already over?

“I’m repenting of my sin in the garden of God. I honestly thought, and maybe believed before, that souls who took their own life will be sent to hell. But they gave me the final mercy of God, so instead, along with the other souls who died from sorrowful life, we’re all helping to let the flowers bloom in his garden.” Ryo explained with a smile, “Though I cannot guarantee if we will be able to reincarnate unlike those in heaven… so then, I asked, and begged, if I could see you again this time.”

Sakuya looks at him with deep concern as he hears that. “What do you mean? This could be… our last time?”

“Nothing is certain, but we can keep on hoping for impossible things, right? And so, I just took this chance because I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?” He absentmindedly asked because he can’t get the information to get out of his head that there’s a life that he will spend without Ryo.

“Ah… the sun is about to finish setting.” It’s the indication that the last 2 minutes of this 7-minute journey is already reaching its end.

Ryo suddenly gets up and walks towards the sea, Sakuya just follows suit as he watches his back. When Ryo turns around while the sun is behind him, it’s so perfect that Sakuya is awestruck. But the next words he hears are even more impactful that he runs as fast as he could to hug him.

Before the world suddenly turns bright, Sakuya hears the words he’ll be going to keep until his next life.

“Sakuya! I love you!”

He’s now in front of the tunnel to heaven.

Excerpt

The rain and the orchid; final act of love

“Ameri Kikuchi, soul guide no. 0032, you requested heavenly council for this. Are you sure about it?”

She just looks at the council with a hollow expression like she usually does.

“You are forfeiting all of your chances for reincarnation despite working as a soul guide for decades.”

Ameri slowly blinks her eyes, “Yes. And I’ll be transferring everything to Soul No. 0804 named Hirose Ryo to help him attain another chance for a new life.”

The council just looks at her while quietly deliberating, she could not understand the reason why a soul guide, someone who was given a chance to reincarnate after doing a pseudo-suicide by accidental death, was now giving up her rights just to free a certain soul from eternal lamentation in the garden of God.

“May I know your reason?”

Without knowing why, Ameri isn’t able to control her expression, or perhaps it is because he suddenly remembers the gentle voice of the person she always treasures.

“I was dreaming of a life for the three of us where we’re living together, Ameri. I have not loved anyone, but you in this lifetime. But if I am given another chance to go back in time, even if it’s painful, I cannot live without my son anymore. So please, can you take care of our son once I’m already gone?”

“My… most beloved entrusted her blessing with me, and I failed to keep my promise to her. This is the only way to atone for my own shortcomings.”

The council looks at her with scrutinating eyes, “You’re aware that this beloved person you’re talking about will reincarnate soon, and you’re fine not being with them?”

“Yes, because the rain is not suited for a beautiful orchid anyway."