Chapter Text
The sand was pale and smooth, lit up in certain areas by the bright moon shining down.
The soft sound of the waves crashing against the shore reached Lo'ak's ears.
It was calm and peaceful here. Unlike Lo'ak's mind.
That was still flooded with war.
The sounds of guns firing. The sinking feeling in his gut when he made eye contact with Netayam after escaping the warship and realised maybe they weren't as lucky as he previously thought. Watching the light fade from his brother's eyes.
Ever since Netayam had died-no wait, Lo'ak killed him, remember? According to his father anyway. " In fact, if you haven't gone to him in the first place, if you hadn't have disobeyed orders, then your brother would still be-"
Lo'ak knew what his father was going to say. "Would still be alive."
Coward.
He couldn't admit those last few words out loud.
Lo'ak knew Jake blamed him for his big brother's death, but hearing him confirm that is....sad.
And the saddest part about all this?
Lo'ak knew he was right.
Lo'ak knew that if he hadn't convinced Netayam to go back to the warship to save Spider he would be here right now. Probably teasing Lo'ak about his outburst at the meeting.
"I swear to Eywa, litle brother, you need to start thinking before you speak."
"I know, I know, but-"
"Hey! No buts. Come on you skxawng,let's head back home, get some rest, and talk about this in the morning"
Because Netayam is was the big brother. The more responsible one, The brother you could count on. The brother who put his family first. The "true" Navi. Now that he was.... gone, those responsibilities went to Lo'ak.
But something that nobody understood, was that Lo'ak simply wasn't ready.
You see, Netayam was born the oldest child. He was a miracle child of sorts, because no-one even knew if his mom and dad could even have kids. So everyone loved him, no matter what.
That didn't stop Netayam from being a good brother though. Netayam grew up taking care of his siblings. Always ready to help, to scold, or to take the blame for something that someone-usually Lo'ak- had done.
That was not Lo'ak. Lo'ak got off easy, the oldest sibling being Kiri now. However, Lo'ak is still the oldest son.
And even though Lo'ak only has half the pressure on him that Netayam did, he's still falling apart.
You see, Lo'ak thinks after he speaks, he is reckless, and he rushes into situations without any sort of plan. If you hear that two of the Sully kids are fighting, it's most likely Lo'ak and someone else who is blameless.
Because Lo'ak doesn't fix problems.
He is the problem.
Usually, Netayam is there to fight his comer, or to try to fix him or his problems. But because of Lo'ak, Netayam can never be in anyone's comer again. Or fix any of Lo'aks many mistakes.
The gun is solid in his hands. I's a heavy thing. That heaviness is reassuring, though. It's there.
Lo'ak can hold it in his hands, and it won't leave him. A broken laugh climbs out of Lo'ak's mouth. "That is so pathetic."he admits to the waves, crashing against the shore.
Lo'ak wonders how many deaths have come from this gun alone, and how many more are still to come.
This is his fathers favourite gun. This is the first gun Lo'ak ever shot. He still remembers his dad teaching him how to use it.
"Focus Lo'ak, focus" Dad said, admonishing him.
"Dad" whined Lo'ak, dragging out the last letter "This is boring. I don't want to do this. I wanna go back and play with Ki-"
"I know, I know, but this is important, Lo'ak. I should have taught you much sooner how to work a gun"
"Why do I have to do this? If I need to catch food,I'i just use a bow and arrow. Not... this." Lo'ak says, disgust evident on his face.
Dad sighs. Not a normal sigh, like "I'm annoyed" or "I'm tired." More like "I'm thinking"
Lo'ak waits as patiently as he can for his dad to stop thinking and start explaining.
Lo'ak," says Dad.
"Yes, Dad?"
"You know the way me and you are... different from the clan."
Yeah, like our fingers and stuff." Confused, Lo'ak silently wonders what this has to do with anything.
Well, you and I are different because, as you know, I wasn't born Navi. I was born as a Sky Person. We don't have time to get into my history now, but sometimes, Dad is...worried the Sky People will come back to Pandora."
Loak's eyes fill with tears. " Are thoy going to take you away? I won't let them!"
No, no," Dad says, making eye contact with Lo'ak. "I am not worried about me. I am worried about Pandora. The Sky People are... greedy.
"Greedy?"
"Yes. Greedy for the riches here. For al the animals they can do testing on. For the planet they hope to use as backup in case theirs dies. Even though they left, I am still worried that they may come back And if they do, bows and arows, won't exactly cut it." Dad says, a small smile on his face.
"So you're teaching me to use a gun, to protect Pandora?" Asks Lo'ak.
"Yes, yes exactly Lo'ak. I will teach you how to protect your home."
Lo'ak thinks for a moment. "Does this mean I could be a hero one day?"
Dad lets out a chuckle. "Dream big, son, dream big."
They spend the rest of the aftemnoon shooting at hand made targets.
By nightfall, Lo'ak can hit every single one in the head.
Lo'ak hasn't called Jake "Dad" in so long. Kiri and Tuk still call him "Dad", but Netayam and Lo'ak call him "Sir". Lo'ak misses calling Jake "Dad".
The sound of waves crashing on the shore snaps Lo'ak out of his memory and back into the present, kneeling on that beach with the gun in his hand.
"I miss Netayam" Lo'ak whispers into the wind. The breeze catches his words and carries them away. Lo'ak wonders if Netayam can hear him. Or see him.
What Lo'ak would give for that. To just see his brother one last time.
The desperation courses through his body, along with the guilt and hopelessness.
"Maybe I could see him again"
That stalls any other thought that was in Lo'ak's head. He could. He has the gun. And he is tired, so tired of everything.
"No-one would miss me," Lo'ak thinks to himself "Dad wll be glad, Mum might not even notice, Kiri will have one less responsibility and Tuk is too young to understand. Spider can finally be the son that Dad wants. Tsireya would...miss me, but she'd understand in the end."
He wasn't special. It wouldn't matter if he died.
He barely realises his fingers -his demon fingers- flicking off the safety on the gun.
The way the gun feels against his skin, the coolness of the muzzle nestled against his throat.
Lo'ak had never heard of any of the Na'vi choosing to go to Eywa before their time, but Lo'ak just couldn't wait.
He doesn't hear the shouts coming from far away.
He doesn't hear the shouts coming from far away.
Breathe in.
Breathe out
Breathe in.
Breathe out
"I'm sorry," he whispers to the wind. It carries his message away, back to the village, back to his family.
Just as Lo'ak pulls the trigger he realises three things:
Someone is behind him.
Someone pushes the gun off his neck
And getting shot hurts.