Chapter Text
my life is a tragic story the likes of which you vwill nevwer come across again. i vwas not hatched to be the bard of this putrid vwaste of political potential vwe call the kingdom of beforus. i vwas once a beautiful and inspiring young lad growving up in the court of alternia, kin to the prince himself, vwaiting for fate to vwork its magic on me. and it did, in the vway magic can only vwork. fakely. magic being fake. fate is nothing but an empty promise and only fools beliewve in magic, as i found out in the vworst vway possible. yes, my life has been so vwery, vwery tragic.
since i knowv you must be dying to hear about my story, i vwill start from the beginning, vwhen I vwas still naivwe and hopeful. those vwere the good days. i vwould sit in the courtyard of the alternian palace, composing poetry and ballads so vwonderful, travwellers from across the land vwould pause to hear my vwisdom. poetry flowvs from the depths of my soul so naturally that i almost considered vwriting these chronicles in poetic wverse. it is for your sake, dear reader, that i havwe refrained, since not evweryone can appreciate a good poetic epic and evweryone has the right to an accessible account of my horrid hardship. you must take it on my vword that i vwas in fact hailed as a genius.
i hear theyvwe found a newv bard nowv, some guy vwith crazy hair and a terrible penchant for drugs. im sure they lament my absence on a daily basis, but i vwould not return evwen if they begged. theyvwe lost me for good, and they can float in their owvn regret for the rest of eternity. i am so ovwer that scene.
but lets not dvwell on it. vwhat you need to knowv is that my time in alternia was short. i could feel their distain for me growving as i reached my adolescence, and my sexual avwakening vwas treated vwith such derision i could almost feel myself suffocating. it vwas the vworst envwironment for someone of my sensitvwe disposition. something vwas missing from my life, but i couldnt place vwhat it vwas. for me, being a kid and grovwing up vwas hard. it vwas so vwery hard, but no one cared to understand.
all of this changed one day vwhen my path crossed vwith that of a strange, orange-colored man. vwhich is to say, vwhen his path crossed mine. i vwas sitting in the courtyard as usual, filling the palace vwith the sound of my amazing vwoice, vwhen this orange guy climbed ovwer the courtyard vwall in the most pitifully inept vway possible. i vwatched him fall into the bushes and stumble into the courtyard, gasping for air like he had been running from something avwful. i didn’t knowv howv to react to him. vwhy vwould i? i vwas just a green, unassuming youth full of childish dreams. so i sat and stared at him, and after he had seen me, he froze and stared back. i dont knowv howv long vwe stared before his eyes flickered up to the double lightning scar on my forehead, and his face practically glowved vwith sudden recognition.
“You!” he said to me. “...Eridan!”
“cronus,” i corrected him. howv rude.
“Yes, of course!” he rushed to me and grabbed my hands, holding both of them tightly against his scrawvny chest, and said, “Cronus, I’ve been searching for you for such a long time!”
“you havwe?” i asked.
“Absolutely! Don’t you know who you are?” i thought for a moment, because i had just told him vwho i vwas, so clearly there vwas another ansvwer that i didnt knowv about. vwith alarm, i noticed that he vwas leaning in closer. before i could say anything, he vwhispered, “You’re a wizard, Cronus.”
“i’m a vwhat?’ i asked, leaning avway. i vwas sure then that he vwas crazy, and i could only think about my avwailable avwenues of escape.
“A wizard!”
i paused. something about the maniacal glint in his eyes convwinced me to reconsider. “i’m...a vwizard?” i asked.
“No, a wizard.”
“yes, that’s vwhat I said. a vwizard.”
“A wizard.”
“a...vwizard?”
“No, you stupid sack of shit. WIZARD. Say it with me: wwww—“
he made a smooth vw sound through his full, puckered lips, and i followved suit: “vwvwvwvwvwwvvwvwvwwww—“
“—wwwizard.”
“—vvvwwwwizard.”
“Close enough,” he said. “Your near-successful triumph over your silly accent is proof that you possess latent magical powers the likes of which the world has never seen!”
“no, but...i can’t be a vwvwwvvwwwwizard!” i said. “i’m just cronus!”
“Well, just-Cronus, the evidence is stacked against you!”
there vwas such an earnestness in his expression, howv could i not consider vwhat he vwas saying? anyone vwould havwe suspended their general terror to acknowvledge the possibility that vwhat he vwas saying vwas true. after all, evwen the most retarded of idiots knowvs that if you believwe in anything as much as this orange man clearly believwed that i vwas a vwizard, it cant be that fake.
“okay,” i said, grovwing breathless vwith excitement. the feeling that i vwas missing something vwas suddenly gone. maybe this vwas vwhat i vwas looking for the vwhole time. "okay, i’m a wvwizard. nowv vwhat?”
“You must find a mentor,” he replied.
“a mentor? like vwho?”
“How the hell would I know? It’s your destiny, not mine!” he released my hands and gavwe me a salute vworthy of my position in the court, and, as i gaped at him in disbelief, he turned and scrambled back ovwer the vwall. i heard him svwear and scamper away. just like that, he vwas gone, and i havwent heard from him since.
“a mentor,” i repeated. vwho did i knowv vwho could teach me magic?
mages knewv magic, i reminded myself. but howv vwere vwizards different than mages? if there vwas no difference, i could just as easily apprentice myself to a mage. it vwasn’t a happy prospect. the alternian court had a moody mage that i preferred not to talk to if i could avwoid it. talk about judgmental douchebag. he vwas the vworst, especially to me, probably because of his history vwith my kin, eridan. i thought about going to the beforus mage, but then i remembered that she vwas deaf, and dealing vwith a deaf girl vwould be evwen more trouble than dealing vwith an asshole. i sighed, realizing that my path to vwizardom vwould be long and arduous, full of hardship that vwould mostly manifest itself in the scorn of my peers. my first task as a born-again vwizard vwould be to convwince sollux that i vwas vworth his time to teach, and i knewv that it vwould be the hardest thing i vwould evwer havwe to do. and if i did manage to convwince him, the quality of my life vwould continue to go dowvnhill from there.
despite the hardships laying before me, i vwas optimistic. i had found my calling, and i vwould see it through to the bitter end. i may be a sensitivwe, compassionate, creativwe soul vwho balks at conflict and internalizes the judgment of my peers to the detriment of my growvth, but i havwe nevwer been a quitter. no one can bring me dowvn. vwell, they could, but not forevwer. vwe must suffer into truth, as us artists like to say, and i suffered more than anyone. oh, howv ivwe suffered.
squaring my shoulders, i gathered my instruments and struck a path to the mages den, vwhere sollux spent his days exploring the occult mysteries of doom. he vwas doing exactly vwhat i knewv hed be doing, face pressed against his computer, vworking on a vwirus in a vwein attempt to showv off. people call me pathetic, but i dont go out of my vway to act like a pompous cool kid vwith pretend disorders. i nevwer understood vwhy it vwas acceptable for this tool to so obvwiously seek attention through his silly computer tricks that had nothing to do vwith magic, but my poetry and true expressions of emotion vwere too ovwertly attention-seeking for the court. not like it matters that much, but there vwas clearly some discrimination happening.
i stood at the door, vwaiting for him to acknowvledge my presence, but of course he sat there and openly ignored me like the aloof scumbag he vwas. finally, i cleared my throat and asked politely if i could enter.
“no, ii’m bu2y,” he responded vwith that godawvful lisp. i frowvned, but, being the agreeable person that i am, i chose to ovwerlook his rudeness and showved myself in.
“vwhat are you vworking on?” i asked convwersationally, since evweryone vwith a vworking think pan knowvs you should build rapport vwith a person before asking for their help vwith anything. and, unlike my convwersation partner, i knewv howv to be friendly and polite.
“nothiing you need two know about,” he said. vwhat a disagreeable fellowv.
“actually,” i said, “I think I havwe a good reason to knowv.”
“ii doubt that.”
“i do! i havwe just had an epiphany about my calling and havwe decided, after examining all my options, to come to you for help.”
“...you 2houldn’t have.”
“don’t evwen be modest, it vwas the clear choice. just betwveen you and me, there are a lot of idiots in this poor excuse of a royal court vwho probably should havwe been stripped of their duties a long time ago. i knowv you must feel the same vway, being one of the more competent members of the court. i mean, just look at eridan. vwhat evwen is his deal, right?”
i watched him expectantly, vwaiting for him to take the bait. i knewv he wouldnt miss the chance to rag on my kin, since it vwas no secret that his hate for Eridan ran deep. the guy obvwiously had some sort of inferiority complex, being the lowvest on the hemospectrum in the royal entourage next to the rustblooded maid and the mysterious but attractivwe page Karkat brought before the court out of nowvhere, and, lets be honest, neither of those peasants actually count as royalty anywvays. his hate vwas clearly his vway of dealing vwith the intimidation of vworking underneath someone of our pure blood. i vwould showv him through a little spirited gossip that i vwas vwilling to meet him on his owvn levwel.
“ju2t tell me what you want. ii’m really fuckiing bu2y, okay?” he said, and i felt my face fall. he completely ignored my open invitation to bond ovwer the mutual exchange of slander. he couldvwe at least givwen me a chance to provwe howv easy going i really vwas. my peace offering dashed to pieces, i tried a different tactic.
“vwell, i vwas vwondering if you could tell me a fewv things about magic,” i responded vwith a friendly smile.
“liike what?”
“oh, like evwerything.”
“get out.”
“no, vwait, but—“ i said, running out of ideas, but like the ill-mannered brute he vwas, he interrupted me before i could explain myself.
“look, ii’m not a fuckiing magiiciian,” he said. “magic’2 not 2omethiing people ju2t learn becau2e they want two learn iit, and iit’2 probably not what you thiink iit ii2 anyway. why don’t you quiit wa2tiing my tiime and go throw your2elf from the a2trology tower.”
“if it’s not vwhat i think it is, then vwhat is it?” i asked. “obvwiously you use spells and fancy gadgets and vwhatnot, so vwhat else could there possibly be to it?”
“that’2 not what magiic iis, dumba22. that’2 the 2ort of 2hiit wiitche2 do.”
“then vwhat vwould you call magic?”
“iit’w all academiic, you thiick fuck. ii hone my 2en2e2 untiil ii tran2cend the liimiitatiion2 of a normal troll, aiided by the cur2e of my terrible mutant braiin. you don’t have the natural aptiitude for thii2 2ort of work.”
“are you kidding me?” i asked. “you don’t evwen use spells?”
“no. no 2pell2.”
“then vwhat good are you?” i demanded. “and here i vwas, thinking you vwere actually important somehowv. vwhat a joke. i mean, it vwas alwvays obvwious that you vwere out for attention, but this flagrant deception practically screams narcissism. howv do you livwe vwith yourself knowving you are a shameless liar?”
“iif you don’t get out of my 2tudy iin the next ten 2econd2, ii wiill throw you out the wiindow,” he growvled, and i put my hand up submissivwely. it vwasnt vworth the fight if he didnt evwen use real magic. vwhat a vwaste of time. i backed out of his office and turned dowvn the hall.
i vwalked slowvly towvards my respiteblock, asking myself, vwhat vwould i do nowv? if the mages did not use real magic, vwhere vwould i learn to become a vwizard? but then i realized, sollux had givwen me the answver himself.
the vwitches.