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"Where the hell is he?!" Lohen thought as he waited in the tavern. He and Illuga were supposed to meet up here in Nasha town and have a drinking competition. Just the two of them. And Lohen felt utterly pathetic, waiting for the other man, sitting alone at one of the tables further back.
Lohen didn't want to order a drink before they started their competition. He wanted to be completely sober when Illuga would join him. But with Illuga nowhere to be seen, he felt even more stupid without a glass to curl his antsy hands around. On top of that it was just plain disrespectful to enter a tavern and not order a drink.
He sighed in irritation, taking a look at the time for the third rime this minute. He truly felt like he just got stood up by a date. Not that he had ever really experienced it. Lohen wasn't one to spend his time looking for a lover. But this is how he imagined it would feel like.
Lohen felt an unfamiliar sting in his heart. His chest felt heavy in a very unusual way. He was used to feeling light as a feather or energetic or anything but this... dissapointed. Sure he had been dissapointed before but never in a way that made him doubt his own person. Did Illuga not want to see him?
The time kept ticking and every twitch of the clock hands on the wall made Lohen's heart feel like it was squeeze with a metal wire. After an hour of sulking he got up and left the tavern. It had got completely dark outside. The air felt cold. Colder than in Mondstadt. Really added to his already pissy mood.
Lohen made his way down the road he thought Illuga would walk by to get to the tavern. If he had any plans of ever coming that is. The road wasn't empty but none of these people were his Illuga so it might as well have been.
He felt two different emotions taking turns in bubbling up in his body. One was anger or frustration. The other one he had decided to call dissapointment. Though as the time passed, the dissapointment took on a sadder tone, making his face loose it's usual sharp glow.
"Stupid Illuga. Stupid dates. I wanna go on just one in my whole life and I can't even have that?!" Lohen felt like he needed to bunch something. No, he needed more than that. He needed to beat something up. Preferably kill it and then find Illuga.
The Wild Hunt had always been a fun target. He might as well just go to one of the hotspots nearer to where Illuga had said he'd be today. Maybe he'll find him there.
The walk was tedious and Lohen would've been ecstatic when noticing some lightkeepers from afar, noting Illuga must be nearby, if not for the frustration in his chest. Well if the lightkeepers where here already then he might as well just ask them where Illuga is. Not like it'd hurt.
"Captain!" one of the lightkeepers recognised Lohen.
"Lightkeepers," Lohen provided them with an extremely short greeting, "have you seen young master Illuga anywhere around?"
"Oh Illuga is..." the lightkeeper drifted off and the other one that was with him, continued, "he's not doing well."
Lohen's eyebrows furrowed. What was that supposed to mean? Was birdie hurt?
"Is he injured?" He asked, voice calculated not to give away any of his feelings regarding the matter.
"No not that."
"That's... kind of the problem," the other lightkeeper chided in again. Lohen made a mental note that this one seemed to be one of the younger lightkeepers.
Lohen could absolutely understand how not getting hurt would be a problem for him but for Illuga? No, absolutely not. Illuga had a high pain tolerance and he wasn't whiny. He didn't shy away from pain when it came but he'd never seek it out.
Upon seeing Lohen's confused looks, the lightkeeper continued explaining: "well... one of our people died and Illuga's been... well he's been well. In that sense at least but in every other sense, he's taking it really hard."
"He always does," the older lightkeeper finished.
Lohen tried to put the picture together. One of Illuga's men died and now he's... what? Upset? That's a dumb reason. That's a horrible reason. Then it occured to Lohen that Illuga was far more sensitive than he was. Not that he minded. His birdie was cute.
"You didn't answer my question," Lohen finally noted. The two lightkeepers looked confused.
"I asked if you had seen him, not how he was doing. I demand you answer to what I ask," Lohen's voice took on a colder tone. He was pissed at the two already. He just wanted information and these people seemed to only stand in his way.
"Oh! Uhh... he's in..." the younger lightkeeper turns around to point at one of the tents.
"I advise you not to enter, though, captain. Illuga asked everyone to leave him alone. Must include you too."
"Sure it does," Lohen spat sarcastically and shoved past the pair. He made no effort to hide the annoyed roll of his eyes as he strided over towards the tent in the far distance.
"Illuga, you in there?" he asked incredibly impatiently. The only sign of someone being there was the quiet shuffling. Lohen had sharp enough ears to hear it so he decided to just go in.
He entered the tent was met with Illuga's wide and watery eyes staring right at him. Lohen's expression showed no sympathy as he stomped in.
"So? What's your excuse for skipping our date?" Lohen didn't know when he had started calling the friendly meet up a "date". He couldn't bother to care either as all his attention was on Illuga, undivided.
"I... Gods, Lohen, I'm so sorr-," hr was quickly interrupted by Lohen, tone sharp.
"I asked you why didn't you show up. I'm not asking for you to apologise."
Illuga took a careful sniffle, eyes dropping from Lohen's upset face. Then he explained: "We... one of our men died..."
"And? Was he your friend?"
"No, I... wouldn't say th-"
"Then why are you crying?"
Illuga looked back up to see Lohen standing with his arms crossed. He couldn't quite tell if Lohen was calling him stupid for caring or if he genuinely didn't understand why he did.
"It was one of my men. One of my subordinates."
Realising Lohen wasn't going to interrupt him again, he continued: "It's... unfair. How my subordinates keep dying and I..."
"Do you wish you had died instead?"
Illuga was silent. Did he wish that? He wasn't quite sure. It's not like he didn't like being alive. More like he felt guilty. Like he was leading others to death.
"No..." Illuga finally muttered.
"Then? What's the problem?"
"If you're just mad about the- the..." Illuga didn't want to call it a date but if not that then what was it supposed to be? Drinking competition? Yea sure. He was a lightweight and only agreed because he didn't want Lohen to think he was a prude. And because he didn't want to turn down an opportunity to get to know the man a little better.
"I'm mad. And you're crying. My anger can wait but you're gonna expell all of the water in your body if you let those tears flow like that."
Illuga was confused. Was this Lohen's way of saying he cared or something? As if to make his feelings clear to Illuga, Lohen crouched down in front of him so he could look him in the eyes when he said: "I can't have my birdie drying up like a raisin, can I?"
Illuga didn't have anywhere to put his eyes. He wanted to stare at Lohen's face. He didn't want Lohen to stare at his. He should look away but it's completely impossible with how close the other man was.
"So tell me. Why does it upset you if one of your subordinates dies?"
"Because it is my responsibility to take care of my subordinates," Illuga answered, voice just above a whisper.
"There. Good birdie," Lohen's gloved hand cupped Illuga's cheek as he continued more teasingly, "wasn't so hard, hm?"
"Shut up, you're a menace..." Illuga muttered, pushing the hand away. In any other situation he would've been flustered by the touch, by the closeness. But right now all his emotions were overshadowed by the gnawing guilt in his chest.
Lohen, noticing he hadn't managed to cheer up his birdie just yet, scooted closer. He rested his arms on Illuga's knees and placed his chin on top.
"Hey..." he started, voice softer now. Illuga looked off to the side so he wouldn't have to see Lohen's face. Or more so that Lohen wouldn't see his.
"Hey, are you-... Illuga?" Lohen grew concerned. Why was he tearing up more now? He sighed and moved to sit beside Illuga. He hesitated for a moment before opening his arms.
"Cmere... cmere, let me hold you," he said. The invitation sounded alien coming from his mouth even to himself. Illuga leaned wordlessly against Lohen's chest. His sobs, although quiet, seemed to wreck his body more and more. Lohen wasn't sure what to do so he just held Illuga in an embrace again his chest. The position wasn't the most comfortable but as long as Illuga didn't complai- no, he needs a change if position. This was obviously going to take a while with how Illuga was sobbing against his body now.
Lohen hooked his arm underneath Illuga's knees and pulled the lightkeeper to sit across his lap. Illuga didn't seem to mind as he wrapped his arms around Lohen's neck in an attempt to get closer.
Lohen found himself thinking that Illuga mustn't get to let loose like that often. No way he was still crying about this one subordinate that died today. He was mourning all of the past ones too.
A sigh escaped Lohen's lips again as his arms tightened around Illuga's waist from an unsure grasp to a secure grip.
"It's okay, birdie..." he heard himself whispering, "it's okay. People die. It happens."
His words didn't seem to offer much comfort so he tried again.
"You'll die one day too," it almost sounded like a question. This was definitely not how comforting was supposed to go. Lohen knew that you should hug the other person and say whatever had happened was okay. Then the other person was supposed to calm down. Lohen had done his part, but Illuga? He kept weeping all the same.
"I don't know what to say to help you, Illu," Lohen admitted under his breath. Words had failed him so he settled for nuzzling his nose against Illuga's neck, thumbs rubbing over the fabric of his clothes tenderly.
An eternal amount of time had passed during which Lohen had no idea if him being there was helping or only making his birdie feel worse. Or so it seemed to Lohen. At one point however, the eternity ended. Peculiar since eternity usually tended to be eternal. But Lohen didn't care as he welcomed change with open arms. Specially when the change was Illuga pulling away from his shoulder and wiping his eyes.
He joined in, brushing his knuckles over Illuga's hot cheeks. There was something about Illuga that made his hands move on their on. Something that made Lohen want to take care of the other.
"Thanks..." Illuga mumbled. Lohen replayed the sound of Illuga's voice in his head for a few more times. Had he just thanked him? For what? Lohen's attempts at comforting obviously weren't what finally made Illuga stop crying.
Illuga continued as if being this close to Lohen made him able to read the other's mind: "For letting me uhm..."
Then it connected for Lohen. Oh his birdie. So low maintainance. Pathetic even. He's grateful for Lohen for letting him bawl his eyes out on his shoulder. Absolutely pitiful.
All of this would've annoyed Lohen, had it been anyone else but Illuga. Illuga managed to pull on those heartstrings of Lohen's that he didn't even know were there. He wasn't completely sure whether Illuga even knew what he was doing to him.
Seeing Illuga so wound up and curled against him like he of all people would be capable of providing the warmth he was searching for tugged at one of those stupid heartstrings. He stuck to his previous statement; yes it was pathetic. But if Illuga was pathetic only in his arms, where he had all the power to hurt him more or bring him comfort, it was fine.
Illuga searching for that comfort from him made something twist in Lohen in a sick and pleasurable way. He felt like he owned Illuga. Owned him now that he had seen him at a vulnerable time like this. The thought made him want to lock Illuga up somewhere only for himself. But no, that just wouldn't do.
"Sorry for... skipping our..." Illuga drifted off again. He seemed embarrassed. Lohen wished he'd just call it a date already so they could stop pretending like all they have is purely friendly.
"Illuga," for once Lohen addressed him by his name, "tell me what was it supposed to be today." He wanted to hear it from Illuga. Otherwise there was still this slight chance that Lohen had read it all wrong and Illuga was just being polite.
"Uhm... a drinking..."
"You're a lightweight, Illuga, I know that," Lohen interrupted him. Illuga just had to piss him off again. He had almost forgiven him for making him wait for an hour for nothing.
"How do you-"
"Heard from your subordinates. Not important," Lohem rushed. He had no interest in discussing who or when it had been who had told him that. Mostly because the face had completely left his memory and he had no patience to try to remember something so irrelevant. All he cared about was Illuga.
"What was your reason for agreeing to this? You're not interested in drinking, I know that, yet you just agreed to come. There's no way it was for a stupid drinking contest," Lohen was growing more and more irritated. Can't Illuga just admit he's in love with Lohen so Lohen could forgive him for stirring up this mess of unpleasant emotions in him earlier?
Illuga tripped over his words. His heart, still sore from the death of his subordinate, hardly managed to take the stress of having to explain his tender feelings for Lohen to Lohen.
"I... I just wanted..." Illuga started slow, "to get to know you better." The words seemed pathetic even to himself. Yet to Lohen, although in any other situation he would've felt the same, his words weren't pathetic enough. He wanted Illuga to tell him more, share something deeper. He could tell Illuga was holding back.
It must've reflected on his face because Illuga started explaining: "It's just... since it's a rare occasion you're here in Nod Krai... I should use that opportunity to..."
"Illuga, that's not what I want to hear. Do you understand? I don't want to hear you round it all up into some kinda "getting to know you" bullshit. I want you to tell me why did you agree."
"Why do you have to ask me now?!"
"Why not?! You left me there waiting for you like an idiot! I can ask you whether you fucking like me or not for gods' sake!"
"That's what it's about...?"
"Yes! Yes, that's what it's always been about!"
Illuga went quiet and for awhile Lohen couldn't tell what he was thinking. Illuga's face was unreadable. At least to Lohen.
Finally Illuga murmured: "If you knew I was a lightweight and I still agreed to come... doesn't that give you your answer?"
"It gives me a direction. Only you can give me the answer."
Illuga contemplated for a bit. What was it that Lohen wanted from him? He was never the best with social cues.
"I..." he started, hoping the right words would flow out by themselves, "didn't wanna waste this chance to... to..."
"You were gonna put yourself in a very vulnerable position and you would've trusted me to take care of you."
"Well that too but..."
"So did you want that? You wanted to see me do that for you?"
"You kind of did now anyway..."
"But did you want that?" Lohen insisted.
"I... I guess I.. hoped for the best..." Illuga kept dodging.
"And what would've been the best?" Lohen didn't let up. He wasn't going to let Illuga off the hook before he got a satisfying answer.
"The best uhm... the best would've been if... if uh..." Illuga's cheeks heated up right before Lohen's eyes and his hold on Illuga's waist tightened to keep the man close.
"Yea?" Lohen urged on, anticipation building in his chest.
"Well if you made sure I got back safe..."
A huge wave of dissapointment washed through Lohen and his grip faltered.
"So you didn't want anything more...?" He asked incredibly a way that seemed almost begging.
"More?" Illuga looked as dumbfounded as usual and Lohen groaned in irritation.
"Do you have to be so- so- ugh..." he leaned his head against Illuga's shoulder, "Don't you get it? That I want you to admit you wanna be with me? That you..."
"That I love you?"
Lohen gave a brief nod against the warm skin of Illuga's shoulder that was visible from under his coat and his sorry excuse for a sweater.
"You... didn't consider... saying it first...?" Illuga asked carefully. Not because he was scared if upsetting Lohen but because his own heart was beating so fast due to this emotional rollercoaster that was his evening.
"And let you reject me? Fuck no."
"I-I would've have..."
"How was I supposed to know that? You didn't even show up to our date..." Lohen was sulking.
"What happened to taking risks, hm?" Illuga grasped Lohen's head gently and guided it up from his shoulder so he could look at his downturned lips and furrowed eyebrows. Illuga made a mental note that Lohen's pouting face was adorable.
"I didn't wanna risk this," Lohen closed his eyes, leaning into the warm hold of Illuga's hands. The other only sighed before wrapping his arms around Lohen again and resting against him.
"My heart is beating so fast," he whispered.
"Mhm... I can feel that," Lohen murmured back, his fingertips drumming against Illuga's back where he felt the steady beating. Illuga made a soft noise in acknowledgement and relaxed against Lohen.
"I'll take you out to a real date," he whispered. Now that piqued Lohen's interest. Birdie was going to take him out? Oh sign him up.
"Yeah?" He asked, his voice already sounding more cheerful.
"Mhm... I'll have to think where though... but I can't make plans right now, it's... I'm not... I feel so..."
"Tired...? But it's not even midnight..." it took a moment before it dawned on Lohen. Of course, Illuga was still upset about the death of his subordinate. Of course. He should've known better.
"Do you sleep here?"
"Huh? Oh yea... temporarily so," Illuga responsed. Lohen was glad to get a straightforward answer for once and leaned back against the mattress.
"Then you should rest," he said while craddling Illuga up in his arms.
"But I-"
"No, you're still upset. You're still shaking. So you're not going anywhere.
"Y-you don't plan on staying here, do you?"
"So what if I do? Gods- get this awful coat off it's always on my way," he tugged on the thick fabric, "truly- do I have to pay to see you?"
Illuga twisted his body shrug the coat off. The cold only hit him for a second before it was replaced with Lohen's warmth. Lohen cradled Illuga head against his chest like he was the most delicate thing ever.
The next minutes were filled with silence. It was then pierced by Lohen's voice: "You still didn't say it though... that you love me."
"Lohen, I really can't right now, I-"
"Yea yea, I know. A lot of different emotions and you can't make important decisions revolving around feelings at moments like this blah blah as usual..."
Illuga was taken by surprise: "oh so... you do listen and try to understand... that's actually really sw-"
"Don't even. I'm not in the mood for your sappiness right now unless you give me a straightforward "I love you", thank you very much," Lohen grumbled. The space was again filled with silence. It stretched on for so long that Lohen thought he wouldn't hear Illuga's voice before morning.
But then Illuga shuffled closer, burying his nose against Lohen's neck instead of his chest and said quietly but clearly: "I do love you. Just so you know... We'll discuss it tomorrow."
Lohen heart did that weird jump it usually only did when he was met with a worthy opponent. But this time instead of killing the thing before him, he wanted to treasure it to the end of his days and forward. He pressed impossibly closer to Illuga and replied: "I love you too. You and your... sensitivity and... sappiness and everything."
Lohen felt satisfied, having heard what he wanted from Illuga and Illuga was... well, not satisfied but he felt comforted in tge warm embrace of his lover. Next day they'd have to deal with all the messy questions like "What are we officially?" and "Where are you taking me out to, Illu?" but right now they'll just enjoy the monent.