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It was lonely and cold, up among the stars and planets, unreachable and distanced from life on Earth. All he could do was watch, from far away how life continued going on the planet he once called his home but no longer could go back to. He didn’t belong there anymore. He was stardust, a tiny piece of the Universe casting light down on Earth in hope that the person he once loved will look up and notice him on the night sky. He was nothing more than a shadow to Tyler who was alive and moving on, without him. His life continued after all, even though Josh was no longer a part of it. He was just stardust. A tiny piece of the endless and timeless Universe. And Tyler was a human, who loved him once, but now forgetting and moving forward.
Sometimes Josh called his name, sent it down with the wind and wondered if Tyler could hear him calling. He wondered if Tyler remembered him at all, or the memory of their love was nothing more than a sandcastle blown away by the wind sand by sand, leaving absolutely nothing behind. He called for Tyler from the sky, sent him sunsets and rainbows, hoping, praying that the man he loved will see him in the slowly setting sun, the gentle lights that died slowly, just the way Josh did all that time ago. He didn’t even know how long has it been since he left Earth. Years and decades meant nothing to him up there, among the infinite stars and billion years’ old planets.
It’s been so long since he felt anything, that he couldn’t remember what it was like. To feel the sunlight on his face. The wind in his hair. Tyler’s hands tangled in his curls , petting, scratching, soothing. His fingers were gentle and careful, painting patterns on skin with invisible ink. Josh would give anything to have one more night on Earth, to feel again, to be, the exist again even if it only lasted seconds.
If Josh only knew what waited for him after death he would never leave the way he did. It was stupid , selfish and wrong, leaving without a goodbye, without a final kiss or a reason why. He thought that he wanted to die, but the truth was that he actually never lived in the first place, but oh how he wanted to , now that he no longer hand that chance. You only have one life on Earth, only one shot, one chance. Josh wasted it. Now all he had was the memories of soft hands and hazel eyes that wouldn’t leave him alone and the burden of guilt that weighted on his boneless spirit. All he had was the sky and the stars and the dust, the never ending desire to turn into a ray of sun and shine down on Earth, find Tyler and make him see how much he regretted wasting his opportunity to be with him while they still had time.
All he had was the sky though. He was a distance star now. One of the thousands scattering the sky, one of the billion others exciting in space. He wasn’t human anymore. He wasn’t Tyler’s anymore.
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It was one of those days again. When Tyler felt everything all at once and he just couldn’t stop feeling . He knew he must be imagining, but he could swear the stars were shining brighter than usual at night and the wind was blowing harder, ruffling his hair while he sat on the wet sand and observed the way the black sky met with the ocean. The horizon was illuminated by the last couple of sun rays that slowly faded into the darkness. It was only a fleeting moment before the last traces of the day were swallowed by the night, blackness enveloping Tyler into a cold and lonely embrace.
It’s been a year since he scattered Josh’s ashes here, on this same beach and said his last goodbyes to the only man he has ever loved. The ocean was as uneasy then as it was today, sending his love away into eternity where he’d rest forever. As if remembering with Tyler, the wind was whispering to him apologies he never got to hear and words of love he will never hear again. Josh was gone, buried in his ocean grave, scattered like the wet sand spilled on the beach and blown by the wind.
Letting go was something Tyler was never good at. He has never learned how to forget and move on, how to re-learn to love and live again. He was only good at loving Josh, at living with him and through him and a whole year later he still had no clue how to do it without him. He couldn’t do it alone.
Tyler looked up. If Josh was up there somewhere he could probably see the tears running down his cheeks. Wherever that was, his love must’ve felt the pain Tyler was in. He could probably forgive Tyler for not wanting to live anymore. He would understand if Tyler wanted to join him, to scatter himself across the ocean and beyond the dark horizon. Wherever Josh was , Tyler wanted to be there with him.
The ocean was calling Tyler. His jeans were already wet and sticking to his feet where the waves hit his unsteady legs. Everything will be okay. Tyler wasn’t afraid. The stars were shining. The wind wasn’t whispering anymore. Tyler couldn’t hear it over the roar of water surrounding, consuming him. He couldn’t breathe, but that didn’t scare him after months of feeling breathless and drowning. Nothing really scared him anymore. He was going to see Josh again. Everything will be okay. He was going home.