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Seungmin comes off the final stage of the fan meet exhausted. Both of his feet are aching, one from the fracture and the other from compensating for the weight of the other. His shoulders are also a little worse for wear, his throat is a bit scratchy from pumping out vocals, and his eyes burn from where the lights have been blaring into them for the past four hours. And god, if he's never felt so alive before. Though he supposes he always feels that way while riding the high of an event well done.
They all crowd into the greenroom. Hyunjin collapses face-first onto one of the sleek leather couches and barely grunts when Changbin flops down half on top of him, a heap of sweaty mess but too exhausted to complain. Minho sprawls on the floor, almost laying in the entryway; Jeongin stands over him, trying to nudge him further into the room with weak kicks while trying to stay upright as Felix splays himself across Jeongin's back, leaning his full weight onto their tired maknae.
Han steps into the room and trips over Minho's limp form on the floor. His hands splay out to catch himself, but he just ends up tumbling weakly onto Minho's legs and gives up, wrapping himself around one of Minho's feet and groaning tiredly. They're all exhausted, but there's still that zing in the air, like a live wire chasing across their skin. The mixed pain and pleasure of achy bones tell them it was a job well done once again.
Seungmin rolls into the room last, his scooter slightly wobbly and harder to push on the carpet of the room, but even on aching feet, he manages. Managers and staff pour into the room, steadily offering congratulations and claps on the backs of the members still standing before they filter off to prepare everything needed before they can leave the venue. Seungmin watches the controlled chaos from the corner for a bit before his eyes catch on Chan giving a big hug to one of their managers in the opposite corner of the room.
Seungmin watches as Chan pulls back, shoots the manager a tired but still wide grin, and nods his head at whatever the manager says. Seungmin's tired brain flashes back to that moment on stage, the moment where he had seized forward, dizzy and flustered, to try to take the end of the stupid snack stick between his teeth, Chan's cheeky grin waiting on the other end. He remembers how Chan's ears had flushed, how his eyes had widened in surprise at Seungmin not fighting against his flirting advances for once, how Chan had giggled, flustered and just a bit unsure, before flinching away.
Seungmin supposes he's always been good at calling Chan's bluff. Kind of relishes in the fact that he can get such a rise out of Chan if he just leans into his advances when he least expects it. His brain is so addled with the surge of adrenaline draining from his body, leaving nothing but a tired sort of delirium in its wake, that he doesn't even realize he's approaching the blonde until Chan is standing in front of him, looking at him amusedly.
"Seungmin-ah, you look dead on your feet." He pauses and cocks his head to the side in thought before dropping his gaze down to Seungmin's one-legged stance. "Or dead on your foot, I suppose." He teases, the same tired grin beaming at Seungmin so bright it almost burns his spotlight-abused eyes.
Seungmin rolls his eyes and rolls the scooter forward to nudge at Chan's foot, careful not to run him over, just vaguely gesturing to the possibility of doing so.
Chan yanks his foot back dramatically. "Yah!" he yelps. "You ran my toe over, Seungminnie. How could you?" He pouts, knowing full well that Seungmin did no such thing.
His full lips are pursed, and Seungmin can't help but think he feels kind of cheated he didn't get a chance to snatch bites of Pepero from between them like almost half of the others did the past couple of days. He shakes the odd thought away with a bit of a jolt and nudges at Chan's foot again with the wheel, a bit more firmly this time, truly in danger now of rolling it over his toe.
"Well, maybe that's what you get for chickening out of playing the Pepero game with me." Seungmin huffs.
Chan laughs, but it's a sharp sound in Seungmin's ears, the edge of something more raw catching in his throat.
"We just got done with a four hour long event. How do you have enough energy to pester me?" Chan complains, completely skirting around the accusation.
Seungmin presses the scooter wheel closer. "Pestering you is keeping me on my feet actually, its reinvigorating my will to keep standing." Seungmin says very seriously, and Chan stares at him in fond annoyance.
"I didn't chicken out." Chan mumbles after a few seconds of them staring at each other.
"You did." Seungmin retorts.
"Didn't." Chan huffs.
"Did." Seungmin sings, reaching up to flick Chan's forehead and snickering when he flinches back.
They stare at each other for another beat.
"You weren't supposed to go along with it," Chan accuses, and Seungmin delights at the way his ears start to tinge pink. Flustering Chan is always so easy, but it never ceases to make something like excitement stir in Seungmin's chest.
"Doing what I'm least expected to do is so much fun though." Seungmin shrugs, but Chan looks at him unamused.
"You just… you surprised me, is all." Chan mutters, but his gaze strays away, ears burning red.
Seungmin stares past him at the catering table, still laden with snacks and bottled water, and can't help the grin that spreads across his face. He backs his scooter up from where it's still pressed against Chan's foot and wheels around the still blushing man ignoring the questioning sound that slips past Chan's lips when he sees Seungmin scootering away.
Seungmin retrieves one of the small boxes from the table and turns back to Chan, holding it up like a prize.
"Look what I found, hyung," he teases, and Chan's already shaking his head as Seungmin rolls back to stand in front of him, already opening the box once he's stopped.
"We are not playing right now, Seungmin." Chan says, but Seungmin ignores him, pulling out the thin snack.
"Should you hold it, or should I?" Seungmin asks innocently and grins when Chan can't meet his eyes, already sputtering through some other excuse.
"There's not anyone here watching to play for Seungmin, what's the point." Chan tries again to evade, but Seungmin is already putting his foot down from the scooter to move closer on his own two feet.
Seungmin ignores him again and munches on the snack in his hand, one bite, two, and watches the way Chan tracks the action, eyes on his lips. Seungmin's stomach does a little flip at that, but he shoves past the strange reaction. This is about teasing Chan—something he's fairly good at—that's all. It's about pushing his buttons and seeing how far he can go without pushing the wrong one. It's a specialty of his, one he rarely fails at; this is just another medium to explore that and nothing more.
He finishes munching and pulls out another stick of Pepero. "I think I should hold it and you should eat. Punishment for rejecting me on stage the first time." Seungmin teases.
Chan rolls his eyes at him. "Is that what this is about? Your bruised ego over a silly game?"
And Seungmin doesn't like the way those words make something ugly twist in his chest. Sure, it hadn't felt good to stand there and watch as Chan had flinched back from him. He hadn't thought about the fact that thousands had been watching; that hadn't mattered to him. The only thing that had mattered had been the surprising seed of disappointment that had settled in his gut like a stone. So surprising he knows his face had faltered a bit before he could recover and let it ease into a wide, teasing smile as he had shifted off to the side.
Seungmin doesn't respond to Chan's question, and whether it's out of spite or a lack of a response that won't make that stone rise up to lodge in his throat, he's not quite sure. But it's no surprise that he finds himself unsure and unwilling to ask for the things he wants even when he's not quite sure why he wants them. Instead of contemplating any of that, he pushes the thoughts away, slides the end of the snack between his teeth, and looks at Chan expectantly. Chan looks back at him unimpressed at first, and Seungmin feels that stone in his stomach sink even further.
How much more embarrassing would it be to have Chan reject him again, in the relative privacy of the lounge backstage? To not be able to excuse it by being flustered by him or the audience watching. He shifts a bit, panic starting to creep up his spine. Chan stares at him a bit more intently now, taking in the way Seungmin shifts under his gaze, the way he leans forward into Chan's space, the stupid tip of the pepero hanging between them.
"Fine, whatever, come here." Chan says finally, his cheeks already tinted pink as he draws closer to Seungmin.
Seungmin cheers internally in victory. He has half a mind to snatch the stick back into his mouth and call this round of bothering Chan a success, but Chan is suddenly so close Seungmin can count the freckles on his cheeks even beneath the stage makeup, and his breath catches in his chest. Chan looks up at him, his eyes slightly hooded, lashes fluttering, and Seungmin jolts a little.
"Hold still." Chan murmurs, and Seungmin nods at him wide-eyed before he remembers he's supposed to be still and freezes again.
Chan leans even closer and Seungmin watches as his lips part before his teeth close around the other end of the snack stick. Seungmin's breath would probably catch again in his chest, loud enough for Chan to hear, if it weren't for the fact that his lungs freeze in his chest, breath held until they burn with the effort.
Chan chomps even closer and Seungmin swears he can feel his breath on his lips, warm and sweet against his clenched teeth. Seungmin feels the apples of his cheeks heat, his lungs still burning with the effort to keep the air inside them, and still Chan draws closer, the last bite of the snack stick barely poking out from between Seungmin's teeth.
Seungmin is sure he'll stop here, that Chan will pull away to let Seungmin bite off the rest, a respectable few centimeters of the cookie treat left between them. So he's not at all shocked when Chan pulls away slightly, even if there is a confusing bubble of disappointment in Seungmin's chest that he pops hastily without examining it closer. But Chan doesn't widen the gap between them, only pulls back just enough to stare at the pepero between Seungmin's lips, gauging, before reaching up to take Seungmin's chin between his fingers and tilt his head to the side for easier access.
"Don't move." Chan reminds him again, but his voice is lower this time, cracked and bitten like the fragile snack between Seungmin's teeth.
And Seungmin can't move even if he wanted to; with Chan's hand cupping his jaw he feels the appendage like a weight holding him in place.
Chan tilts his own head slightly and guides his hand to slide from cupping Seungmin's jaw to the back of his neck, holding him steady as he leans forward. Seungmin's breath shakes in his chest and he knows it shouldn't. Tries not to think too hard about why it would or why his heart sends blood rushing in his ears as he watches Chan's full lips get closer and closer to his own.
Chan finally closes that last bit of distance in what feels like slow motion, teeth snatching that last bit of the snack from between Seungmin's teeth, and Seungmin jolts a little in surprise at the movement. The little shock that courses through Seungmin's body makes a tiny gasp break off inside his lungs, lips and teeth parting on the inhale instinctively. In the fluster of it all, his lips brush against Chan's—warm and slightly wet against his own—for only a moment before Chan is pulling back into his own space and—
Oh.
A thousand fleeting thoughts slip through his fingers like grains of sand as Chan pulls back to look at him, at first a teasing if slightly unsure smile tugging tentatively at his lips. Seungmin watches as Chan's warm gaze flits over his features and he wonders if he looks as unraveled as he suddenly feels. Like a spool of thread unwound and strewn messily as he thinks "Oh. Oh. Oh." on a loop in his head.
Thoughts beat at him suddenly like a hummingbird's wings, quick and almost intangible, something cracking open like a dam inside him until he can only remember the rolling feeling in his stomach when Chan had flinched back from him on stage. Until he recalls in stark clarity the way his chest has always twinged when watching the easy way Chan has played with the other members. Until he's confronted with the recollection of how his stomach always swoops without fail each time Chan deigns to turn his attention on him.
He tries to grasp at these memories as they flit through him, wanting desperately to shove them back into the recesses they've lived in until now. When that doesn't work, he tries to swat them away forcefully, as he's done so many times without even being aware of it—a rote response he's trained himself to have. But the ghost of Chan's lips is a phantom keen on haunting the last few vestiges of Seungmin's plausible deniability. And he tries—God, he tries—to press them back into the safe shape of feigned ignorance he's come to rely on when it comes to Chan.
But all of his efforts fail, the heap of his forced-down emotions unraveling and tangling at his feet so that they can no longer be ignored. Completely undone, the mere whisper of Chan's lips against his waking up a need so raw Seungmin feels it inside of him like a living thing. A need to taste Chan's lips fully, to coat his tongue with his sighs, to see if Chan saying his name tastes as sweet as it's always sounded.
He doesn't know how long he stands there, losing a war inside himself he wasn't even aware he was fighting, but he does have enough presence of mind to register the way Chan's easy smile fades. Chan stares at Seungmin for a breath, like he's a puzzle to be pieced together, a riddle to be figured out, before the easy smile is back, warm and familiar. A sight he's seen a million times, but for some reason, Seungmin is only now, just at this very moment, noting the way it makes something inside him constrict with longing.
There's a shuffling behind them, voices flooding into the room to shatter the bubble they've cocooned themselves in with their ridiculous snack games and Seungmin's thin excuses.
"Cars are here in an hour. Get out of those outfits and get your things together, boys, so we can all go home." A manager says from behind them, and Seungmin hears the answering grunts of acquiescence from his fellow members.
Chan makes no sound though. Doesn't move to follow the instructions given to him. He just continues to look at Seungmin with that same easy smile, eyes sparkling, and Seungmin has to fight to reel in the sudden urge to kiss the smile from his lips. Is already thinking and plotting a million different ways he can get Chan to play the stupid game with him again. Anything to get Chan's lips near enough to his so that Seungmin can imagine the taste of them clearer. Anything to hide behind fragilely thin excuses instead of asking for the thing he wants, the thing he so suddenly needs as if it's intrinsic to his survival.
There's more movement behind him, members tugging each other to their feet from floors and too-plush couches and beginning to stagger down hallways to their many marked dressing rooms. Seungmin opens his mouth to say something, anything, to attempt to break whatever spell he's been put under but is stopped in his tracks when Chan wraps a hand around his wrist firmly.
Chan eyes the scooter by his feet and nods his head towards it. "Do you need that or can you walk to the dressing room?" he asks.
And Seungmin knows he should say yes, that he should continue to keep the weight off his foot, but he has too many thoughts warring for his attention inside his head and his injured foot is currently losing that battle against all of the ones involving the man in front of him. Words still struggle to filter from his brain to his mouth, so instead Seungmin just shakes his head. Chan eyes him and his foot suspiciously but seems to accept his answer after a short pause and starts to tug him down the hall, grip still firm on his wrist.
And with Chan's hand back on him, grasp tight and grounding, Seungmin feels some of the spiraling thoughts he's been wading through start to dissipate bit by bit. And really it shouldn't shock him; he's always been responsive to a hand tightly grasping against his skin. And this should be no different, but the effect of Chan's hand gripping him is always a world apart, always leaving him in a weird space between floaty and grounded. Like Seungmin is a leaf in the breeze and Chan is the branch tethering him in place.
Chan tugs him down the hall after the others, hand sliding from around Seungmin's wrist to tangle their fingers together, a simple action that is typically so familiar to him but is now clouded with the weight of Seungmin's thoughts. Chan's hand feels warmer in his own, fingers slotted together like two halves. Seungmin wonders if they've always fit like this, like two seemingly mismatched pieces that against all odds slot together like they were made to.
Seungmin's foot twinges and he rips his eyes away from where their hands are clasped to focus on anything else except the glaringly obvious fact that he should've taken the stupid scooter with him. He trails his eyes up to stare at the broad line of Chan's shoulders as he continues to pull him down the hall and thinks with startling clarity about the moment all those months ago when Chan had let him lie across them and carried him carefully off the stage. How Chan had still been breathless and sweat-drenched but not even hesitating for a moment to offer himself to Seungmin when he saw he was in pain.
He thinks about the way he had sunk into Chan's back easily. How he had blamed it on the exhaustion of the performance. How he had blamed the quick step of his heart on the adrenaline of being on stage. How he had pretended to forget the way he had leaned down to murmur words into Chan's ear over the roar of the crowd and had felt himself flush at the shiver he felt wrack through Chan's body under him.
Thousands of similar instances flash through Seungmin's mind like a slideshow, the haze of denial shrouding so many memories clearing away until all Seungmin is left with is the yearning blooming in the cage of his ribs. Weeds of suppressed feelings plucked away now so that all that remains is the piece inside him that has always belonged to Chan, free now and unwilling to be tucked away again.
Chan finally stops outside of a door and Seungmin feels his breath catch in his chest with something akin to panic. And maybe Chan can sense that in the way he senses most things when it comes to the emotions of people around him, because his hand tightens around Seungmin's before Seungmin can barely even attempt to twitch out of his grasp and flee. Though Seungmin's not even sure he could with the ache flaring through his foot.
The tightening hand around his own has the desired effect, as if Chan knows exactly how he affects Seungmin, dragging him out of his head and grounding him in the now with as little effort as it takes to breathe.
Chan opens the door to his own dressing room and peers inside to ensure that it's empty before pulling them both into the room and closing the door softly behind them. Seungmin jolts a little at the click of the door latching closed, but if Chan notices, he doesn't comment, instead pulling Seungmin even further into the room and ushering him to sit on the small couch pushed against the wall. Chan drops his hand as Seungmin sits without comment, foot aching too badly to complain, though he feels a distant twinge of disappointment at the loss of Chan's hand in his.
"No more walking for you. I'll go get your scooter from the other room before we leave, or I'll carry you myself, but you're obviously straining yourself, Seungmin." Chan frowns at him.
Seungmin doesn't have the heart or the courage to tell him it wasn't on purpose, that Chan had distracted his thoughts—completely overtaken them so thoroughly that his twinging and fractured bones had been the last thought in the pecking order of his mind. When Seungmin doesn't automatically have some sort of snarky comeback or teasing retort, Chan's frown smooths out into something softer before he sits down next to him.
"You okay?" Chan asks carefully, and it's like something snaps into place inside of Seungmin.
Because he is okay; the revelations unfolding inside him settle and feel less like an undoing and more like enlightenment, like he's finally been let in on something his mind has secreted away from him. His feelings for Chan settle into him all at once, like the last stone in a house's foundation, sure and strong, holding him up beneath his bones.
Seungmin realizes Chan is still waiting for an answer and gives him a shaky smile. "I'm okay, yeah."
Chan answers his smile with one of his own, something soft and almost secret, like it was crafted just for him.
"Where's that brain of yours run off to then, hmm? You were out of it for a bit." Chan asks teasingly, though it's still edged in concern, quiet curiosity too teasing at the edges of Chan's expressive eyes.
Seungmin's slightly cinched together thoughts fizzle again in his head, and he reaches for any single excuse to explain the way his thoughts have strayed after the moment Chan's lips had brushed his. At the reminder, Seungmin's eyes drop subconsciously to Chan's lips, his tongue darting out to wet his own without realizing as he glances at the pink fullness of them and remembers how just a few short minutes ago they had been close enough to taste.
Seungmin hears Chan's breath hitch in his chest before he exhales sharply, and the sound snaps Seungmin out of his half-trance to drag his eyes back up to connect with Chan's.
Chan looks at him, and Seungmin is startled to see the edges of frustration there. Or maybe something slightly softer, something resolute and raw and tinged with disappointment. And Seungmin assumes the worst, assumes Chan has seen through to the truth of him and is disappointed by what he's found. And Seungmin opens his mouth to backtrack everything, to explain away his behavior and shore up his defenses as he's been so apt to do for so long. But before he can say anything, Chan beats him to it again.
"Hey, you're the one that wanted to play in the first place! Don't look at me like I kicked your puppy just because you moved when I told you not to." Chan huffs.
Seungmin's brain whirs a bit at his words, panic dying in his chest to be replaced with confusion as he tries to figure out what Chan is saying.
"It was barely even a touch. You've had full lip-to-lip contact while playing with Changbin before and that didn't seem to bother you." He continues, and Seungmin's lips twitch into an amused smile when he realizes that Chan is pouting.
Understanding settles into him like a balm as he realizes Chan isn't upset at Seungmin for wanting more. He's upset at Seungmin because he thinks he wanted less. Is having the same worries circle through his head as Seungmin but in reverse. And though maybe Chan's worries aren't to the same extent of his own, Seungmin feels a spark of hope kindling in his chest. He hopes his smile will help to diffuse the situation, but Chan refuses to look at him, eyes darting off to the side as he tries not to look as sulky as he sounds.
"Hyung—" Seungmin starts, but Chan is already speaking again, Seungmin's words getting drowned out.
"Really though, you don't see me acting like kissing you is the end of the world because its not." Chan huffs, and then Seungmin watches as his words catch up to him and his cheeks flush pink.
"Chan-hyung—" Seungmin starts again, but Chan rushes to correct himself, turning pinker as the seconds tick by.
"Well, not a kiss, of course. Because it wasn't. And we would never, obviously, so it doesn't even—" Chan rambles on at lightning speed.
But Seungmin is barely listening at this point, both exasperated by his hyung's ramblings and wholly distracted by watching the way Chan's lips move around the words he's saying. So he barely even thinks about it or the consequences before pressing into Chan's space and silencing those nervous rambles with his lips against his.
There's no movement for a moment, just the dry warm press of lips as Chan stills against him. Seungmin waits patiently, keeping a gentle press against Chan's full lips. Chan, though, is still frozen, lips unyielding beneath his, and Seungmin starts to pull back, panic starting to curl in his gut that maybe he's made a mistake. But the moment their lips separate, it's like something awakens in Chan, his body seizing forward to capture Seungmin's lips against his own again.
Seungmin gasps against his mouth and hums when Chan presses closer and lifts his hand to tentatively grasp Seungmin's waist. Seungmin tilts his head into the kiss experimentally and is pleased when Chan mirrors him and presses his tongue gently against the seam of Seungmin's lips.
Seungmin grants him entrance without a second thought, a small, helpless sound slipping from his mouth into Chan's when Seungmin realizes he can still taste the chocolate Pepero on Chan's tongue. The sweetness of it mixed with something so wholly Chan is so intoxicating that it makes Seungmin's head spin.
Chan swallows the sound greedily and Seungmin reaches up to rest his hand against Chan's chest, and he feels the way Chan trembles under his touch. Can feel his heart fluttering quick and sure under the pads of his fingers.
Chan's tongue brushes against Seungmin's again and another breathless sound comes winding up his throat unbidden, and he chases the touch, like he might be able to taste the answers he desperately wants on the tip of Chan's tongue. Chan's hand tightens against his waist and the gasp that follows is so sudden Seungmin breaks away on the inhale, air catching in his throat.
And he wonders how he looks to Chan now, if he looks half as flushed and dazed as Chan does across from him. He wonders what he should say. He wonders if he should ask for him to do it again, if he should tell Chan that one kiss is not enough, if he should warn him that the taste of Chan may haunt him if he isn't able to commit it to memory on his tongue.
But apparently none of that is needed because before he can even think to string together a half-coherent sentence, Chan is saying what Seungmin has only thought for the past however long it's been since the moment their lips first brushed.
Chan's breath shakes a little on the inhale and then he just lets out his own quiet and simple “Oh.” into the space between them.
And Seungmin watches with tendrils of amusement and a fair amount of anxiety as a medley of wonder and surprise blooms across Chan’s features. It’s silent for longer than a beat, long enough that that cruel voice inside Seungmin's head starts to tell him he's got it all wrong. That he's made the wrong move and is about to be let down so gently he’ll barely be able to feel the sting of it until after Chan stops looking at him with those wide, guilt-ridden eyes of his that Seungmin knows will soothe the hurt. But just when he's about to let the frantic apologies tumble out of his mouth, Chan's lips slowly spread into a soft smile.
“Seungmin-ah, if you wanted hyung to kiss you, you could've just asked.” He says.
And if anyone else had said it, it might sound cocky or teasing. But Chan’s tone is so gentle, so open and earnest, it causes something deep in Seungmin’s chest to twinge with fondness.
Seungmin feels the tips of his ears pink with embarrassment. He doesn't know how to tell him he really hadn’t been trying to charm kisses out of Chan at first. Or that it had suddenly become all he could think about once he’d had the barest taste of him. Or how, now that he has tasted what it feels like to have Chan like this, he doesn’t know how to stop. That the wanting has only redoubled upon itself and settled into his skin to make a home there.
Seungmin thinks that he doesn't have the words to express any of this, is not sure he can bring himself to when there's still a hollow inside him brimming with hesitation and tentative hope. So instead, he leans forward back into Chan's space and feels a little of that insecurity drift away at the way Chan’s eyes immediately drop to his lips at the movement.
“Could you kiss me, hyung?” Seungmin says, tone raw and searching, an earnestness to mirror Chan's own edging it. And the words hold all the other million things he wants to say but can’t bring himself to.
But of course Chan must hear it, knows him so intrinsically after all of these years. Can probably see the barely held emotion shining in Seungmin's eyes the same way it does after a particularly moving moment on stage and knows what Seungmin is really asking for. What he's really trying to tell him.
“Of course, anything for you.” Chan murmurs to him, instead of what Seungmin knows he wants to say but will let hang between them for now, known and felt but unspoken until some of the raw newness chafes less at Seungmin's nerves.
And Seungmin knows he means that and not in the way that Chan says when he's being self-sacrificing. Not in the way where he's putting Seungmin's wants above his own. But in the way where Chan wants something but is always too afraid to reach for it, will never dare to hope for it until he's told it's okay to. Chan says it and looks at him as if Seungmin has been the one asked to concede his touch to Chan. Like he's been gifted with something precious: the permission to touch and to want and to show it instead of nestling it away inside his chest.
Chan reaches a hand up and cups Seungmin's jaw, stroking his thumb along the softness of his cheek. Seungmin tilts into the touch unthinkingly, a soft breath escaping his lips—not quite a sigh, but something born from a thing long kept hidden inside finally being released. A tension lines his shoulders, but it's not nerves, only a quiet anticipation as Chan leans forward to kiss him.
This kiss is just like the first, except for all the ways in which it isn't. Instead of a rushed movement leaving Seungmin's lips pressed to Chan's, Chan meets him with more sweetness, pressing their lips together gently. Instead of Seungmin stilling under Chan's touch as Chan had done to him, he meets him with equal softness, tilting his head into the kiss as Chan slides his hand up to fully cup his cheek. But it's still just as searching as the first, like they might uncover all the words still unspoken, tucked behind the other's teeth.
Chan takes his time with him, kissing him like they have all the time in the world. Like they're not still backstage after performing for thousands of their fans. Like there are not managers and staff stalking the hallways just outside the unlocked door they're hiding behind. Like there's not another member of their group right on the other side of these thin dressing room walls.
Seungmin presses closer subconsciously, his entire body alight with the need to be closer to Chan. Even having their lips pressed against each other doesn't feel like enough; he's not sure if anything would. He thinks that even if he climbed inside of Chan's ribs and made a nest there, he would still find himself wanting to burrow himself further down into the marrow of him.
Chan must sense this restless energy pulsing under Seungmin's skin because he slides the hand cupping Seungmin's cheeks to grasp the back of his neck, his thumb stroking across the short hairs there. Seungmin melts into the touch and slides just that little bit closer until he's practically in Chan's lap, legs swung haphazardly across Chan's own.
Chan's other hand comes down to Seungmin's waist and pulls him more fully into his lap, and Seungmin breathes out a quiet, content sigh against the other's lips and feels Chan's lips twitch against his own in a smile. Chan finally gives up on his slow and soft kisses to swipe his tongue tentatively against Seungmin's bottom lip, and Seungmin grants him entrance eagerly.
Chan takes even more time here, stroking his tongue along Seungmin's slowly, then against the roof of his mouth. The taste of Chan blooms sweetly on his tongue. A taste as sweet as the sigh that Chan lets out into Seungmin's mouth which he greedily swallows down to tuck away somewhere inside his chest. He lets Seungmin chase his tongue on its retreat back into Chan's mouth and grips him tighter when Seungmin can't help the breathy sounds he keeps making when Chan pulls back to press his teeth into Seungmin's bottom lip.
Heat builds steadily along his spine, pooling in his stomach the more aware he becomes of Chan's hands on him, his strong thighs under him, and the way his chest feels under Seungmin's wandering fingertips. He thinks Chan might feel it too—that dangerous feeling of want—if the way he groans against Seungmin's lips when Seungmin reaches a hand up to tangle his fingers in his short blonde strands of hair is anything to go by.
And Seungmin knows they're in a precarious enough position already, that he should pull back and put some respectable distance between them. But it's hard to think clearly when Chan's taste coats his tongue and the want in his bones—for more, for closeness, for reassurance—feels like an endless depth he can't see the bottom of.
Chan pulls away and Seungmin is both glad he's able to be the voice of reason between the two of them and desperately disappointed, already itching to pull Chan back against him. He feels a small thread of fear try to take root in him, a fear that if he lets him stop now they won't ever start again. But instead of pulling back fully, Chan brushes his lips against the corner of Seungmin's mouth before trailing them softly across his cheek and jaw.
The thread of fear dissolves almost instantly as Seungmin hums appreciatively, the sound breaking off into a soft moan when Chan continues his path down to start to press wet kisses along the column of Seungmin's throat. Seungmin's mind spins away from him, so far out of reach, no thoughts to grasp onto as the burning edge of desperation to be even closer takes over.
That desperation tangles around the sudden intense need to make Chan understand how he feels even though he's scared he still won't be able to manage to get the words past his lips. And though the dichotomy of those two tangled wants feels so vast, once they're both stripped away to their bare bones they look much the same. Both born of an inability or maybe even an unwillingness to let Chan out of his grasp. Scared that the moment he does, everything will shatter.
He shifts restlessly on Chan's lap and tries to swallow down another helpless sound when Chan continues to brush his lips softly across Seungmin's heated skin. It's barely anything, a ghost of a touch, but with the weight of everything unsaid still tangled inside him, it feels like a live wire, like a homecoming and a reckoning twined together into something that makes him tremble under Chan's hands.
"Chan." He lets out softly, and the way his name hits Seungmin's ears—hopeless and devoted and consuming—sounds like a confession all its own.
Chan pulls back from his flushed skin to look at him, and Seungmin's breath catches at the look he finds himself on the receiving end of. How the heat blooming in Chan's eyes is only rivaled by the aching softness tempering it and the delicate flush of his pink cheeks. Chan must see the edge of uncertainty swirling in Seungmin's eyes because he strokes a hand down his back soothingly, and Seungmin can't help but lean into the touch.
Chan presses their foreheads together and lets Seungmin take a moment to ground himself, but he finds that hard to do with Chan's lips so close, a warmth still cloaking his skin when he remembers them brushing against him.
He can feel their time dwindling, though, knows that these four walls can't hold them safe and separate from the happenings outside for much longer, and he feels desperation claw at him to find certainty in the moments that will come after.
"Chan-hyung," He tries again, "could we stay like this?" He asks.
Seungmin's hand grasps over Chan's heart as the words leave his lips, a thread of vulnerability sneaking into his tone no matter how hard he tries to hide it, and he hopes Chan will understand what he's asking. That he doesn't want to go back to the way they were before this room. That he doesn't want to walk out of that door without being sure he's not leaving behind this thing he wants so desperately.
"Can I keep you?" He adds though, unwilling to let a sliver of doubt at his intentions find a home inside Chan's thoughts.
He thinks the question itself would've been enough on its own, but he can hear the way his raw want colors his tone. And though his cheeks heat at the way his voice shakes with it, he finds himself unable to care when Chan answers him with a sweet smile and an even sweeter kiss. And although it's nothing more than a brush of lips, Seungmin feels it down to his toes all the same.
When Chan pulls back to look at him, it's with that same look of wonder. Like Seungmin has handed him something precious he doesn't quite think he deserves, and Seungmin makes a promise to himself in the silence that if Chan lets him, he'll spend as many days as it takes convincing him otherwise.
Chan opens his mouth to answer, and Seungmin feels his skin prick with anticipation and longing, that thin bit of uncertainty snuffed out by how Chan looks at him with undisguised happiness.
And then there's a knock at the door and Seungmin flinches away, a panic roaring in his chest that someone is going to open that door and see this new and fragile thing. That they're going to shatter it before it has a chance to bloom, before Seungmin can even get the answer he's so desperate to hear.
But Chan holds him tight, refusing to let Seungmin flee from the spot on his lap, squeezing his hips in reassurance before dropping a kiss on his cheek.
"I got it. Don't move, okay?" Chan smiles at him sweetly and waits for Seungmin to nod in acknowledgment before sliding Seungmin gently off his lap, reaching down to prop his hurt foot up on the couch and giving his ankle a gentle squeeze before walking to the door.
When he reaches it, he puts his hand on the handle and turns around to give Seungmin one last reassuring smile before he moves to pull the door open, and Seungmin's shoulders draw up to his ears, an involuntary response to the bolt of panic that sings up his spine. He realizes a bit too late how much of a mess Chan is. His hair is sticking up on end from Seungmin's hands, his already normally plump lips are red and kiss-swollen, and though he's turned at an angle that Seungmin can't see, he knows his shirt is probably rumpled from being balled in Seungmin's fists.
Seungmin watches, cold with horror, as Chan pulls the door open just a crack, not far enough that whoever is outside can see past Chan's broad shoulders and find Seungmin, probably just as pink-cheeked and messy as Chan, sitting on the couch behind him.
And Seungmin's not one for religion, is not sure he really even believes in the concept of a higher power. But he prays to anything that could happen to be witnessing this anxiety-inducing blip in his life that whoever is standing outside that door is either the most oblivious person to walk this earth or someone safe enough that he doesn't have to worry about everything unraveling.
"Chan-hyung, the car's almost here, are you— oh, you haven't changed yet? Everything okay?" Seungmin hears Jeongin's voice say from somewhere outside the door and his shoulders immediately droop in relief.
"Yeah! Sorry, I was just a bit, uh, occupied with something. I'll be out soon," Chan assures, and Seungmin can hear the fluster in his voice, like he's not even trying to hide it.
There's a minute pause in the sound of conversation before Jeongin replies.
"Okayyy." He draws out the word, and Seungmin can hear the confusion at Chan's odd behavior in it.
There's another long pause, and Seungmin feels a trickle of amusement at the way Chan shifts impatiently on his feet, eyes darting back in the direction of Seungmin before dragging back to look at where Jeongin must be standing out of Seungmin's line of sight.
"Was there something else you needed, Ayen-ah?" Chan asks.
Seungmin sees the top of Jeongin's head peek over Chan's shoulder as he shifts quickly to try to peek into the dressing room, and Chan follows the movement hastily, trying to cover where Seungmin's sitting with his body. But he's not quite fast enough; Jeongin's eyes meet Seungmin's over Chan's shoulder briefly before Chan is blocking his view again. Seungmin rolls his eyes fondly even as his cheeks heat, caught by their maknae with disheveled hair and kiss-swollen lips.
"Yes, actually. Have you seen Seungmin-hyung? Felix-hyung was looking for him. I brought his scooter to his dressing room and he wasn't there either." Jeongin says, his voice innocent, but Seungmin can picture the mischievous glint in his fox-like eyes.
"Seungmin? Nope, haven't seen him. Did you check the bathrooms? Or, uh, maybe the greenroom again? You could've missed him." Chan stumbles out, and Seungmin laughs before getting to his feet, slightly unsteady on his hurt foot.
Chan whips around at the sound, eyes wide in disbelief at Seungmin blowing their cover so carelessly. Seungmin limps over to the door and peeks over Chan's shoulder, his height not allowing Chan's shorter frame to block him from view.
"You were too slow trying to block that sneaky peek he took, hyung. He saw me anyway." Seungmin laughs, and Chan's cheeks pink.
"I don't know why he was trying to hide you anyway. It's more suspicious than just telling me you were here from the beginning." Jeongin says, but his eyes slide over the two of them, taking in their flustered cheeks, rumpled clothes, and messy hair before raising an eyebrow at them suggestively. "Though, of course, there's nothing to hide here, is there?"
Seungmin refuses to rise to Jeongin's bait, just narrows his eyes at him over Chan's shoulder as Jeongin smiles wide and innocent at him. Seungmin can see out of the corner of his eyes how Chan's neck and the tips of his ears flush pink, and Seungmin can't help the way his eyes latch on to the pretty color there. Can't help the way he twitches forward slightly, the desire to see how the color tastes on his tongue ensnaring him for a second before he steadies himself, eyes tearing away to meet Jeongin's again.
Jeongin looks at him with a deadpan stare and Seungmin shrugs his shoulders unapologetically even as he feels the flush on his cheeks grow warmer. Jeongin turns his gaze back to Chan and gives him a disturbed look.
"Right, I'm going to pretend like I didn't just watch Seungmin-hyung look at you like he wanted to eat you right in front of me and go wait for you by the doors. Cars are here in 10. Don't make me come looking for you two again." He says and shivers at the thought before turning around and walking back down the hall.
Chan whips his head around to look at Seungmin as Jeongin's words filter past them. An impish grin spreads across his face as he shuts the door.
"Like you want to eat me, huh?" Chan says and Seungmin rolls his eyes.
Chan presses forward into his space, hands falling to Seungmin's waist like it's the most natural thing in the world. He shifts even closer and presses a kiss to Seungmin's jaw.
"Come back to my dorm tonight?" Chan asks quietly, and Seungmin's stomach swoops at the implication.
Chan must hear the implication in his words too because he draws back to look at Seungmin, his eyes comically wide. "Just to hang out! We can order food and watch a movie or something, I swear that's it." He says voice a little higher in his throat.
Seungmin just laughs, fond and teasing, and Chan pouts at him. "Not very nice to laugh at your hyung, Seungmin."
"I'll come over, hyung. Two conditions, though." He says very seriously, and Chan gives him an easy smile.
"Of course, anything. Shoot."
"I want fried chicken for dinner." Seungmin says, tone as serious as the grave.
Chan nods back at him just as serious, hand coming up to rub at his chin as if he's thinking seriously on a counter to his proposal.
"Okay, deal. What else?" Chan agrees.
And Seungmin pauses, not sure if he should say it. If maybe he should just be able to take everything that Chan has said, the way he's acted, the things they've already shared, and let that be his answer. But there's still a hollow inside of him, shrunk down yes, but still with enough room to secrete away those last shreds of lingering doubt. Chan feels his hesitation, in the way his shoulders tense with it, in the way he attempts to roll his weight restlessly from one leg to the other before remembering his injury and wincing.
Seungmin feels hands encircle his waist, a gentle squeeze at his hips, and he lets his gaze drop so Chan can't catch it.
"Well you never answered my question earlier…" Seungmin trails off, voice slightly sulky as he tries to make it sound like Chan's answer or lack thereof is of little consequence to him.
He thinks he misses the mark entirely, though. Is pretty sure everything inside of him hinges so starkly on Chan's answer it makes it impossible to completely disguise his need for it. Seungmin doesn't elaborate, can't bring himself to ask that same raw and vulnerable question again when even uttering it the first time had taken a Herculean effort. Had wrung Seungmin out and left him out to dry when he'd been interrupted and left with no answer.
The silence can't last for more than a few seconds, but it feels like he can see it stretching in front of him for miles, so quiet in his ears, so void of the things he craves his ears ring with. There's no panic this time; that hollow inside him just yawns wider, filling itself with the ticking seconds. Just when he thinks maybe he should backtrack, to tell Chan that it doesn't matter and that he'd be more than happy to come over regardless, Seungmin feels a hand come up to grip his chin between his fingers.
Chan pulls Seungmin's gaze back to his and Seungmin feels that hollow inside him shrink again at the fond look Chan is giving him.
"Do I get to keep you too in this exchange?" Chan murmurs, thumb releasing his chin to brush at his jaw softly.
Seungmin leans into his touch without thinking, completely instinctual like how a young sunflower knows to face the sun. And though the urge to turn this uncomfortable feeling of being exposed into some sort of quip or comment itches at his skin, he presses it back.
"Yes," He croaks out, unwilling to let the words get stuck in his throat, needing Chan to know how much he wants that, to be kept by each other.
Chan lights up at his answer, bright eyes shining like twin stars, a pretty smile spreading across his face until his dimples show and his star-like eyes turn into moon-shaped crescents. Seungmin's breath catches in his chest a bit at how happy he looks like this, at how he's made him light up like Seungmin's own personal sun.
Chan leans up on his toes to press his smiling lips to Seungmin's, and Seungmin leans into the kiss, sighing softly when Chan pulls him in by his waist, wrapping his arm around him and drawing him flush against him.
There's a loud bang on the door and they both fly apart, startled, before catching each other's eye and dissolving into quiet giggles. Careful still until they know who's on the other side.
"Seungmin-ah! I know you're in there! Car's waiting and I wanna go home!" Felix whines through the door.
Seungmin limps to the door, Chan on his heels and muttering that he should've made him bring the scooter. He swings the door open and finds a grumpy Felix on the other side, eyes narrowed at the two of them.
"Neither of you is changed? Oh, you're both helpless. I'm sharing a car with Jeongin back to the dorms. You guys have fun." Felix says and turns around to walk away.
Seungmin goes to swing the door closed again, but Felix turns around. "Oh, and find something to cover up with when you leave, Seungmin. You have a bruise on your neck." He says but his eyes aren't on Seungmin when he says it, instead raising a brow at Chan.
Felix snickers when he sees Chan's eyes dart over to Seungmin's neck guiltily before he turns around again and walks down the hall and out of sight.
Seungmin looks at Chan with heat in his cheeks and reaches up to cup the side of his neck he knows the mark must be on.
"Is it bad?"
Chan peels Seungmin's hand away to peer at his skin before shaking his head, eyes turning to narrow at the space Felix was just occupying.
"There's barely even a mark; he was just teasing." Chan says, rolling his eyes.
Seungmin laughs and shakes his head. He supposes he deserves it after making Felix wait around for him after such an intense day of performing. He sighs and turns toward the door, knowing if he doesn't leave these four walls now to get himself changed that they'll end up in another cycle of distraction.
Chan loops an arm around his waist and lifts some of his weight up to ease the pressure on Seungmin's foot, and Seungmin leans into his side appreciatively.
"Come on, let's get you changed so I can get you home." Chan says and starts to help him make the short trek down the hall to his own dressing room.
"I think I can get changed myself, but thank you for offering, hyung." Seungmin teases, wrapping an arm around Chan's shoulder to help him carry his weight and laughing when he sees Chan's ears turn pink.
"That's not what I meant, you absolute menace." Chan huffs at him.
Seungmin grins at him playfully when Chan looks up at him from under the arm Seungmin has wrapped around his shoulders and rolls his eyes at him, continuing to help him hobble down the hall.
"Your menace, though." Seungmin says softly after a beat. Because he can. Because it's true.
Chan looks up at him again as he pauses outside Seungmin's dressing room door, eyes darting around looking for prying eyes before he leans up to press a kiss to Seungmin's jaw.
When he pulls back, Seungmin finds that same soft look in his eyes, edged now in that starlight brightness that seems to cling to Chan like a second skin.
"Mine." Chan agrees, and Seungmin shivers slightly when the word hits his ears.
And he thinks to himself that if the word sounds this good coming from Chan's lips, it must taste twice as good on them. So who can really blame him when he can't help but pull Chan into his dressing room by his shirt's collar, Chan's surprised laughter spilling out into the hallway as the door swings shut behind them.