Work Text:
Demi awoke in the midst of the night again. This happened every once in a while. He never could really hold a good sleeping pattern. It upset him sometimes, but never enough to make an effort.
He got out of bed quietly, walking towards the bathroom, careful not to awake his sleeping love beside him.
He paused halfway inside, closing the door, and looked in the mirror. He looked down at his body, covered in scars, bruises and other monuments to his pain. He thought about them often. He thought about how much pain he’d caused, for himself, for his friends, for Ray…
“Fuck. Stop. Stop thinking about it. You know what happens when you go down this rabbit hole.”
His mind started to race.
“How much trouble have I caused for all of them? How much of it should I have been able to save them from? How much pain have I made people feel? Fuck, do glitches feel pain? Snafu does- does that mean that I’ve just been causing more and more problems?! I- FUCK!”
He grabbed a pack of cigarettes from the counter, putting one in his mouth. He felt sick. He took out his lighter, and sparked it. Once. Twice. Again. He started sparking it with more urgency, frustrated, and then-
It lit. He brought it up to the cigarette in his mouth, lighting it, and taking a deep inhale.
Then an exhale.
“…He always hates it when I smoke.”
It was true, too. It was a fact he made clear on many occasions. He’d look disapprovingly and disappointedly whenever Demi would light one. He’d call him out on it all the time. Sometimes he’d even threaten not to kiss him whenever he smoked. (A threat he never followed up on, but none the less.)
“…I really do only cause problems for him, huh?”
Another inhale.
“…He should leave me. I don’t deserve him.”
An exhale. He looked in the mirror. He started to hate what he saw. He felt sick. He felt his stomach churn as his thoughts spiraled, about how he shouldn’t be around him, about how much better everyone’s lives would be if he was just more competent, or if he wasn’t around at all.
He couldn’t take it.
He ran to the toilet, dropped to his knees, letting his cigarette fall somewhere aimless on the marble floor, hunched himself over the bowl, and started to vomit.
“Fuck- FUCK! Why?! Why am I so selfish!? He’s gonna hear this! He’s gonna wake up and be even more worried about me- damn it! I need to stop- I need to get up and tough it out for him! Shit, Why can’t I just- WHY CAN’T I JUST BE A GOOD PERSON!?!”
He felt a hand on his shoulder.
“Dem! What’s wrong? Look at me. Look at me.” Rayburn said, trying his best to snap his panicking, puking boyfriend out of whatever was happening to him right now.
Demi couldn’t answer. Just stared at him, breathing heavily, trying to regain his breath. He saw Rayburn look down, over at the cigarette still on the floor.
“…You okay now? Got it all out?” Rayburn said, slightly disappointed but more worried than anything.
Demi stared at him for a moment, before wrapping his arms around his boyfriend in a tight embrace.
“…I’m sorry.” Demi said, with a shaky, hoarse voice.
“What for?”
“For being so terrible.”
Rayburn didn’t say anything.
“For making things so much harder for you. For everyone. For causing you all so much pain. For-“
“Fuckin- Would ya shut up with that shit, dumbass?” Rayburn interrupted, pushing him away from his shoulder to look him in the eyes.
“You don’t make things harder. You’re actually one of the best fuckin’ people in our little group here. If you’re a terrible person, what does that make me?”
“…God?” Demi choked out, trying to joke while he held back tears.
Rayburn chuckled a bit. “If I hated you so much, and didn’t want to be around you, I fuckin’ wouldn’t be. I’d break up with your ass and leave you crying on the street, destiny be damned. But I won’t. Because you could never do anything to make me hate you. Got it, dumbass?”
Demi smiled, before shoving his head back into his boyfriend’s shoulder and sobbing quietly. Rayburn was never one for affection, but he offered a few pats on the back before picking him up in a bridal carry.
Demi placed his boyfriend safely back in bed, before heading to the kitchen to get him something to get the taste out of his mouth. By the time he got back, Demi was out like a light already. Rayburn chuckled to himself before climbing back into bed next to his dumbass boyfriend.
“Nothing could make me leave him.”