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The steps creaked. She liked steps that creaked; they gave her warning that someone else was here, in her cliff-top haven away from the rest of the world. The creak of the steps gave her time to hide her disappointment when her solitude was interrupted: time to school her expression into one of hospitality and pleasure rather than the annoyance she most often felt.
This house was her retreat — bought when she had accepted the inevitable upon their return from the Delta Quadrant, when Voyager’s crew was broken up and reassigned, and everything that had been her world for seven years ceased to be. She had thought about resigning her commission, but in her swiftly changing life, Starfleet was the only thing that had the potential to remain the same. Going quietly wasn’t an option: she fought against the desk job they assigned her to, and against the promotion to Admiral. But the battle for her crew — for her family — had lasted seven years, and when it came to fighting for herself, she had very little energy left. So she worked each day at HQ, and returned each evening to her veranda over the Pacific Ocean and the solitude of a white wicker chair, a red summer sunset, and the warning creak of a rickety step when someone came to visit. She expected to hear his voice before he spoke - the particular creak his body weight elicited from the steps was familiar, as well known to her as the stumbling steps of her half-Klingon god-daughter.
‘I hoped you’d be here,’ he said.
Without turning, she replied, ‘Isn’t the sunset beautiful?’
‘Is there such a thing as an ugly sunset?’ He settled himself in the wicker chair that was the pair to hers, on the other side of the table. ‘I brought you a present, Kathryn,’ he said, and she looked away from her sunset at last. ‘Happy birthday.’ He held it out – a small potted plant, bushy and covered with small white flowers.
She took it from him and set it on the table between them. It was low enough that they could easily see each other over the top, and she smiled. ‘It’s lovely. Can it withstand the sea winds if I leave it here?’
‘It’s very strong. Like a certain Starfleet captain.’
‘Flatterer,’ she retorted. ‘But thank you. For the gift. Would you like some tea?’
‘Don’t you mean coffee?’
‘I mean tea,’ she said. ‘I’ve found that I like it. In small doses, that is.’
He smiled at that, and accepted her offer of tea. She brought it out on a tray – delicate china cups and saucers, and a beautiful teapot that had belonged to her grandmother. She poured the tea and handed him a cup.
He sipped at it. ‘Earl Grey, isn’t it?’
She nodded, a quiet smile on her face. ‘A friend introduced me to it. But you didn’t come here to talk about blends of tea. How are you?’
He nodded. ‘I’m well. I’m sorry I missed your birthday party.’
She laughed. ‘It was barely what you’d call a party: B’Elanna and Tom brought Miral here for the weekend, and mother and Phoebe came, and we had dinner and drank real wine instead of synthahol.’
‘And enjoyed it, I suspect,’ responded Chakotay.
‘We did. Tom looked after Miral for the evening, and the four of us had a girls’ night.’
‘Ah, I see — I wouldn’t have been welcome anyway.’
‘No, you wouldn’t,’ Kathryn laughed back at him. ‘Not then. But you’re more than welcome now.’
‘I’m glad to hear it. How are you settling in?’
‘I’m sure Tom told me once that Admirals used to command ships on the sea. But somehow — now we get stuck behind desks in HQ and merely tell other people what to do with their ships. But it’s a change, I guess.’
‘Surely it beats dealing with Species 8472 while you have to ration your coffee?’
Kathryn grinned and held up her tea cup in a toast. ‘Never again will I go somewhere that requires coffee to be rationed!’ she announced.
‘Better for all concerned,’ said Chakotay. ‘I have experience in that field.’
Her eyes lit up at that comment, and the conversation set off on a round of “do you remember”s that meandered throughout the Delta Quadrant.
‘Come back soon,’ she said, when she walked with him to the end of the porch. They had talked until dark and there was a chill in the air.
At the steps Chakotay turned back and kissed her on the cheek.
~~*~~
He came back again a month later, and they shared tea in the same delicate china cups.
Chakotay looked at the little bush with its white flowers. ‘You left it out here, then?’
‘It’s a hardy thing. Even the flowers are surviving so far. Have you heard that Harry and Tal have been seen out and about together?’
‘Celes? That nervous young crewman you took under your wing?’
‘They make a nice couple.’
‘You’ve been matchmaking, Kathryn!’ he said in disbelief.
She shrugged. ‘Maybe just a little,’ she admitted.
‘Don’t you have enough to do in your spare time?’ he asked. ‘I would have thought that co-ordinating half a quadrant’s Starship traffic would keep you out of mischief.’
‘It’s a living,’ said Kathryn. ‘And there’s no coffee rationing.’
‘That, of course, is the most important thing.’
~~*~~
‘Icheb started at the Academy last week,’ said Kathryn. ‘After a year of foundation studies he’s been accepted to the fast-track program as a junior. He was so excited he ventured into HQ among all those uniformed Admirals to tell me.’
Chakotay snorted in mock disgust. ‘Why didn’t he tell me in person? Everyone seems to assume that I’ll find everything out on the grapevine.’
‘Well, you will. He was certain to tell Annika, and she would tell you, wouldn’t she?’ When there was no answer, Kathryn hurried on. ‘Besides, you’re closeted off in the civilian University system. Icheb probably didn’t believe he could extricate himself from the Archaeology department if he went to see you.’
‘You make it sound as though we’d coerce him into staying.’
‘Not at all!’ said Kathryn. ‘But you’d all be so bound up in your work no one would remember to show him how to get back to the door.’
‘You may be right,’ admitted Chakotay. ‘I know I can lose sight of the real world at times.’
Kathryn drained her teacup and looked out at the ocean. ‘Maybe that shows that you’ve found where you really should be.’
The tone of conversation turned sober. ‘I hope so,’ he said. ‘I think so. I love my work. It’s an entirely different feeling than when I was on the Liberty, before Voyager. Being part of the Maquis was compulsion: a duty forced upon me by Starfleet’s inability to act. With Voyager, of course, there was no choice. When I think how I fought my father to join Starfleet — there’s irony in the fact that I’ve left it myself. Kolopak can’t possibly have known me better than I know myself,’ he finished.
‘Of course not,’ said Kathryn, smiling. ‘Maybe if life in Starfleet had been straightforward you would still have been happy there. But after the treaty negotiations and the Maquis, and then seven years in the Delta Quadrant — that’s years of stress you might otherwise not have had. Don’t second-guess your choices, Chakotay. Whether they were right or wrong at the time, they are the choices that brought you to this point in your life, and there’s nothing — short of unauthorised use of chroniton particles — that you can do to change it.’
‘Take your own advice, Kathryn,’ said Chakotay. There was nothing harsh in his tone: the words were simple and gently stated.
‘I’m happy where I am,’ said Kathryn. ‘With a view like this, who wouldn’t be?’
~~*~~
In the winter, Chakotay would visit on weekends rather than in the evenings. The winter sun in the middle of the day was warming, and they would sit in their usual chairs and set their tea cups on that same small table. The plant was never moved. Its flowers faded and fell onto the table top, but its leaves stayed shiny and green, and each year the star-like flowers would re-appear.
It was their second winter on Earth when Chakotay brought the news of Annika’s departure on a deep-space mission.
‘How are you?’ asked Kathryn.
Chakotay took a deep breath. ‘We’ve gone our separate ways, Annika and I. About four months ago. I didn’t tell you — ‘
‘Why didn’t you say something?’ exclaimed Kathryn. ‘We see each other every month!’
‘I didn’t tell you because I assumed someone else would. Didn’t they?’
Kathryn refused to answer. ‘What happened?’ she said, instead.
‘Annika discovered a society that consists of more than one hundred and forty-seven people, and some of them aren’t thirty years her senior,’ said Chakotay. ‘I kept trying to make her happy, to allow her the freedom to explore, but…’ He paused and sighed, looking away from Kathryn across the ocean. ‘We wanted different things. I wanted a life with her, she didn’t want a life with me. It hasn’t been easy,’ he finished.
‘Chakotay, I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be.’
~~*~~
Kathryn greeted Chakotay before he even reached the steps. ‘Did you get your invitation?’
‘To Harry and Tal’s wedding? I got it yesterday. How long has it taken them?’
As they walked along the veranda to the table, Kathryn pretended to count on her fingers. ‘I make it three years.’
‘Slowcoaches.’ Chakotay grinned back at Kathryn.
~~*~~
‘What’s this I hear about you and a certain Admiral?’ Chakotay asked one summer’s evening.
‘News travels fast,’ she replied, a little put out. ‘Where did you hear… what did you hear?’
‘B’Elanna may have mentioned that she saw you together on campus: rumour has it you took a lengthy tour of Enterprise the last time Riker brought it back in for inspection by its former master… and a friend of mine in Provence saw you at the family vineyard.’
Kathryn sighed. ‘Did I ever mention how much I miss the Delta Quadrant?’
Chakotay countered, ‘Do you remember how utterly claustrophobic the gossip was on board Voyager.’
‘Why are you always so reasonable?’ Kathryn asked.
‘I’m the perfect first officer,’ he joked.
~~*~~
Kathryn held her retirement party at her house. Most of the guests had left — Jean-Luc brought the tea out to the table and then left.
‘He has a meeting,’ Kathryn explained apologetically.
‘It was a wonderful party,’ said Chakotay, pouring the tea for each of them and handing a cup across the table and around the little plant to Kathryn.
Kathryn nodded in agreement. ‘And when will I be invited to your retirement?’
‘I have no intention of retiring. They’ll find me one night, slumped over the manuscript of my final book.’
‘What are you working on at the moment?’
‘A simply fascinating dig from about 200 years ago. I’m thinking of bringing Tom Paris in as a consultant — it’s right in his area of interest.’
Kathryn considered the idea. ‘He might just do it. Miral’s due to begin the Academy soon, and young Owen must be almost sixteen.’
‘I should have grabbed him while he was here,’ said Chakotay, regretfully, ‘but I barely had a chance. Harry was so enthusiastic about his latest project. He’s really made something of himself.’
‘I think Tal’s had a lot to do with that.’
‘Certainly.’
‘Still a confirmed bachelor yourself?’
Chakotay nodded. ‘I’m happy as I am.’
‘So am I,’ sighed Kathryn, happily. ‘Although I’d be far happier if we weren’t both dashing about to meetings and could actually see each other once in a while.’
Chakotay chuckled. ‘That’s what happens when you get involved with the Brass.’
~~*~~
‘I’m glad you still came,’ she said, her eyes red-rimmed from crying.
‘I’m here for you whenever you want me. Kathryn, I’m so sorry.’ He gathered her up into a hug.
‘I knew... I knew this could happen. To either of us. Both of us were still going off on short-term missions. But…’
‘I know.’
~~*~~
Miral greeted Chakotay when he arrived.
‘What are you doing here, Miral? Kathryn’s all right, isn’t she?’
Miral nodded. ‘She’s fine. She’s waiting for you — she doesn’t move so easily these days. I’m doing a summer internship with HQ this vacation, and mother arranged for me to stay here and give her a hand. Mostly without Aunty K realising I’m doing it.’
‘If she knew, she’d have your mother on mutiny charges,’ agreed Chakotay.
‘I’ll bring the tea out to you.’
He joined Kathryn at the table — still the same table — and sat down in the chair he had occupied almost every month for twenty years. They looked out over the ocean in comfortable silence.
‘How are you?’ he asked eventually.
‘Fine,’ she replied, ‘but I’m getting old and I don’t like it.’
‘None of us do.’
Miral brought the tea tray out and set it down in front of the little bush that Chakotay had brought as a birthday present, just after Kathryn had first moved into the house.
‘That bush — it’s so big. How can you see each other through it?’ asked Miral.
Startled, Chakotay and Kathryn each turned away from the ocean and towards each other. All Chakotay could see was the shiny dark green leaves and tiny white star flowers of his gift.
From the other side of the bush came Kathryn’s voice. ‘It doesn’t matter, Miral. I know what he looks like, I know every expression on his face. I can see him in my mind, even if I can’t see him with my eyes.’
Chakotay nodded. ‘We’ve sat in these chairs and looked over this ocean and heard each other’s voices and seen each other’s faces for so long that we never even noticed that the plant had grown. Kathryn’s right. It doesn’t matter. I’d like to see her face, but I don’t need to.’ He put out his hand, and hers was there to meet it.