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Being with him felt like fire burning through my whole body.
Being with him suffocated me.
There was no escape, I was chained, trapped under a spell.
And I didn’t mind at all.
Until I decided to be a fool and looked for another burn marks.
I was a damn fool. A pitiful, miserable fool.
I’ve had everything in my hands. Still I wanted more. I’ve had my whole world, my future, right in my grasp. Still I let everything go.
Still, I let him go for my own satisfaction.
I was curious, greedy, always wanting more. And it led me to the biggest mistake I’d ever made. It led me to a cliff, waiting for me to eventually fall deep into my own misery. My biggest regrets, drowning me too deep—I couldn’t find an escape.
And then, it just happened. All too fast. One time, I had it all. The next second, my world left me in emptiness.
Emptiness, was the only thing I could see in his eyes when he found me. Laid in bed, curled up with another man, naked. And I didn’t even remember who that man was.
Emptiness, was the tone that I could hear in his voice when he asked me to go home. I obeyed, took my leave, to our home with him. Or probably, the place that used to be our home.
Emptiness, was the feeling inside my chest when I heard his words in the morning. A quiet demand of explanation, and a request for me to leave. Leave him and his life.
Emptiness, was the condition of the place that used to be ours a week after I left. He was gone, without notice, disappearing with his feelings.
Emptiness, was my life. Ever since he left, to the present day.
That, until I met him in the city of love, on winter vacation.
My long lost fire.
Accompanied with a new light.
A beautiful, beaming light that seemed to outshine me in every way. A kind-hearted light, who would never let go of his hand during cold winter nights, and pressed her warm lips against his freezing cheeks. A truly wonderful light, who would never betray him like I did—sealing that promise with the shiny circle around her left ring finger.
My fire.
My beloved fire.
“Iwa—“ my throat hurt, dry.
But he heard me, turned his gaze towards me, and froze.
“Oikawa,” my name, he said my name.
Oikawa. Not Tooru. No longer Tooru.
“What a coincidence to meet you here!” I said, with a perfectly trained, fake smile. The smaller woman next to him turned her gaze to me, a small smile appeared on her lips. Ah. I wonder if he fell in love with that smile at the first sight.
“. . . Yes. Such a coincidence,” he replied, clearing his throat. “This is Maaya.”
The woman smiled even wider, offering her right hand to me which I immediately took. “Hello. I’m Maaya.”
“Hello, Maaya,” even her name was beautiful. “I’m Oikawa Tooru. Iwa-ch—Iwaizumi’s childhood friend.”
“Ah! Hajime told me about you!” she chuckled, shaking our hand gently. “Are you also on vacation, Oikawa-san?”
Again, I gave her a smile that I had trained so well in front of my mirror. “Yes. I really did not expect to meet Iwaizumi here. What about you guys? Vacation?”
She grinned, happily, and lifted her left hand. “Honeymoon.”
I want to die.
She lifted his left hand and showed his wedding band, still grinning. “I honestly didn’t expect him to bring me here!”
I want to escape.
“Really? Congratulations! I—“ I noticed the look on his face. Troubled, worried. And I immediately knew why. “I’m truly sorry for not being able to come to your wedding, Maaya. Iwaizumi has actually invited me. But I couldn’t go because I had to take care of some family problems.”
He looked surprised. Yeah, I knew.
The invitation didn’t even come.
“Ah, I was also wondering why you didn’t come. But it’s alright. At least we’ve met now!” she chirped, clueless of the tension between me and him.
I chuckled, another act. “That’s true. Ah, by the way, I don’t want to disturb you guys. I also have a place to go. Have a good night! Congratulations once again!”
She pulled me into a hug.
I wanted to cry.
“Come visit us sometimes, Oikawa-san,” she smiled, pulling away.
“Of course,” I lied.
It hurt.
It hurt so much.
“See you around!” she grinned one last time.
And Iwa, my beloved fire, my Iwa, was staring at me as if there were a lot of things he wanted to say. But I couldn’t hear it. I didn’t want to hear it. I’ve hurt him enough. I didn’t want him to feel any guilt. For anything.
“Goodbye, Iwaizumi.”
I love you.
I love you so much.
“Goodbye, Oikawa.”
And the fire died down.