Archive of Our Own

Suppose there is a clear cup in front of you, small enough to fit in both hands.

Inside it, a pure white liquid has been poured almost to the brim.

Pure, unstained by anything, pristine white.

The inside of the cup is full.

But suppose a shock strong enough to spill the contents of that cup were dealt to it.

A little space is born. A space where the liquid has been lost.

Incomplete, no longer full.

You had one kind friend.

“I’ll share some of mine with you.”

Saying that, that child shared their portion into my cup.

Once again, the cup was filled.

...But the contents of the cup were no longer pure white.

Your color had mixed into my cup.

It was full, yes, but it had been dyed in your color.

Could you truly accept that result as good?

Click, click.

The sound of the clock’s hands echoed through the sterile room.

How many times had those hands gone around since I woke up? I had spent long enough glaring at that white ceiling to sigh at least three times.

“Ahh...”

Nothingness. Blank white. I mean that in the emotional sense, sure, but also in the physical sense; everything was so white it was almost funny.

The ceiling, walls, and floor of the room I was in. The bed my back was resting against. Everything was unified in white.

Well, that’s what hospitals are like, I suppose.

I, Seiun Sky, had broken my leg in the Tenno Sho (Spring) the other day.

I won’t forget that sensation for a while... no, I’m sure I won’t forget it for the rest of my life.

Would it get across if I said it felt like stepping full-force, straight down, on a thick iron needle? The tip pierced bone, scattered fresh blood, and eventually reached my thigh.

I screamed.

In the middle of a race, wretchedly, miserably, I screamed.

It wasn’t a word like “it hurts” or “help me.” It was a beastlike scream with no meaning.

After that... honestly, things are blurry.

I heard someone shouting, heard someone sobbing, heard the siren of an ambulance.

I don’t really remember anything after that.

When I came to, my right leg was wrapped round and round in a cramped cast.

A chubby old guy in a white coat told me a lot of things along the way, but none of that mattered to me.

At the time, I couldn’t even understand what had happened, and my heart was a mess. I remember wanting peace and quiet to calm down more than I wanted to grasp the situation.

The days after that were... truly empty. I can’t even remember what lunch tasted like today.

“...”

Even if I reached a hand toward the blank white void, only air slipped through the gaps between my fingers.

I don’t know how many days had passed, but I had no memory of opening the school bag that had been left there at some point.

...I didn’t have the courage to look at social media. In my head, everything had stopped at the messages of encouragement from my friends.

The one small saving grace was that the view outside was very pretty.

Rows of large silver buildings, a little park planted with trees as if for form’s sake, countless cars hurrying along the public road. And far away, I could even see the bright blue sea.

While I looked outside like that, it felt as if this pain eased a little.

The scenery was not so different from the places I usually walked through, yet simply looking at it from a short distance away moved me. Maybe I, as a living thing, am unexpectedly easy to please.

But even that little wonder was far from enough to heal my heart, which had turned gray.

I no longer knew how many days had passed.

It was that feeling. Maybe it was close to summer vacation before entering the academy. Every day off becomes normal, the times you sleep and wake grow vague, and your sense of time and dates goes all crooked.

If I wanted to, I probably could have asked for permission to go outside. But when I asked myself whether there was any meaning in doing that, I lost even that motivation and flopped back onto the bed. I had done that, what, ten times by now?

Fiddling with the screws of the crutches at my feet, looking outside, forcing the bland hospital meals that were brought to me into my mouth. Those were the muddy days I spent purely on inertia.

It was not that I was satisfied with my current situation, but I did not especially think it hurt, either. What matters is living in a way that feels like yourself.

Even so, I did not feel alive.

It happened on an afternoon like that.

Knock, knock.

The sound came from the entrance to the room.

A very weak sound, but unmistakably the sound of someone knocking on the door.

If it were the usual chubby doctor, he would be loud enough to grate on my ears, and if it were a nurse, she would not come until night.

Well, I didn’t particularly care who it was. As long as they killed a little boredom, that was enough.

“Come iiin?”

At this point there was no use worrying about appearances with hospital staff, but staying sprawled out would be a bit much, so I, in my magnanimity, decided to sit up for them. Mm, with a cast on your leg, even that takes a lot of work.

About five seconds passed. Just long enough after the knock for me to start wondering, or almost start wondering, what was beyond the door.

Then the door opened slowly, as though the person on the other side was hesitating.

Maybe a new kind of visitor? I thought.

...But then.

“...Huh?”

At the end of the gaze I sent that way without much thought, I found myself unable not to widen my eyes.

A figure stood beyond the door.

“...It’s been a while.”

She wore the academy uniform I had seen more than enough times to be sick of it, and carried the same bag as the one that had been left there in my room.

I had seen her face countless times before, but never with that expression.

Standing there, one hand still on the door, was—

“Sky-san...!”

A dear friend, looking as if she might burst into tears.

My dear friend—King Halo, with that tearful face—distorted her expression the moment she saw me and froze in place. It wasn’t until I called out to her that she finally sat down.

What she handed me with a hesitant, “...This is, well, just in case,” was a miso-katsu bread roll from the cafeteria. Tears and miso-katsu bread. A truly unbalanced combination, but I accepted it gratefully. It was headed for late-night snack duty, though.

“Actually...”

“Hmm?”

“Actually, no matter what state you were in, I intended to make some light remark like, ‘You look healthier than I expected,’ but... you’ve gotten terribly thin...”

“Huh, have I? Sei-chan’s hardly left this room, so I’d actually been wondering if maybe I’d gotten fatter.”

“Idiot...! You didn’t even contact us... I was worried the whole time, until they allowed visitors...!”

So why is King the one who looks like she’s about to cry?

“Yeah, about not getting in touch... um, sorry?”

“...”

“E-Erm... is it just you today, King? What about everyone else?”

“Everyone except El-san is in training.”

“Oh dear, El-chan didn’t come. I thought Sei-chan and her had gotten pretty close too.”

“Don’t say things like that. ...And for your information, the first one to rush to you after you collapsed, and the one who most desperately called out to you while you were unconscious, was El-san.”

“...!”

“Good for you. It seems you’re more loved than you think.”

“...Nyahaha.”

“She’s probably in the classroom right now, lamenting that she can’t come visit you.”

“Classroom...?”

“That child was kept behind because she missed the deadline for an assignment she’d overlooked.”

“...Ahaha. That’s so El-chan.”

“Truthfully, everyone was more than ready to come, but...”

“Oh? Really?”

“You hate things being noisy, don’t you? And they all understood that if a crowd came barging in on you as you are now, it would only make you suffer more. That’s why I came.”

“As expected of you, King. Everyone relies on you.”

“Of course they do... is what I would like to say, but today I asked them myself and had them give me this chance.”

“Hmmm... and why’s that?”

“...Think that much through for yourself, you fool.”

No, no, don’t ask the impossible. Just imagining those girls’ sympathy or pity made me itch all over.

“Oh, right. More importantly, Sky-san!”

“Hmm?”

“Is there anything you want to do? If you stay in a cramped room like this, your body will grow mold.”

“Hmm... Something I want to do, huh...”

“Yes. Right now this King can do anything for you!”

Even if she patched herself up with a smile, it was pointless when her ears had been giving her away from the start. I was grateful she worried about me, but if I were being honest, I wished she would just leave me alone.

...At this point, dreaming was already impossible for me.

“Does it look to you like I want something right now, King?”

“That’s...”

“My running has been taken from me, and I’m just being kept alive in this narrow little room. I don’t really know what I want myself. Sorry.”

“Th-then at least let’s go outside and walk. You can think about the future after your feelings are sorted out. If you do, I’m sure your mood will change. You haven’t gone outside since you were admitted, have you?”

Her voice was stuffed so full of worry it was almost painful to hear. Having someone worry that much over a person like me made me feel as if I might be the one to go crazy.

But... outside that window, huh... Well, that might not be bad.

“...Then I want to go there.”

I said that and pointed out the window.

Beyond the steel forest of lined-up buildings, beyond the little artificial grove.

The sea, glittering blue.

I had given up on going outside any number of times until now, but since King had gone to the trouble of visiting me...

“...! Yes. Let’s absolutely go.”

Well, another part of it was that I had grown tired of looking at King’s near-crying face.

The outside air I breathed for the first time in a while was delicious. Somehow, I really am a creature that lives under this sky. ...What does that even mean?

It might sound a little strange to normal people, but the city air entering my lungs felt good. For me, after I had gotten thoroughly sick of that medicinal smell, it was pure happiness.

“Middle of the day on a weekday, but there are weirdly many cars, huh?”

“Yes... I haven’t heard of any event being held around here, though.”

I had left both my crutches and my bag back in that room.

Because you said, “This King shall lend you her back!” Well, your face had “Please rely on me more” written all over it, so I simply indulged you.

That is how I came to experience being carried on someone’s back for the first time since childhood. As a sensation, I would say... not bad.

And as she carried me, her steps went ton, ton, ton, rocking my body in a pleasant rhythm. Ah, this feeling. Somehow it felt nostalgic.

After that, we had stayed silent all the way until we got permission to go outside at the reception desk. It wasn’t because of the hospital atmosphere or anything; for some reason I couldn’t explain, it felt presumptuous to speak.

That silence broke after we made it out onto a crowded city sidewalk.

“Hey, Sky-san.”

“What is it?”

Her voice came to me a little louder than usual, so it wouldn’t be drowned out by the sound of cars. We were pressed right together, so she didn’t need to be considerate.

“Does your leg still hurt?”

“Nope, not that much. It’s been days since the surgery, after all. It does hurt if I try to move it too much, of course, but they say I’ll be able to walk properly again by the time I’m discharged. Gotta hand it to doctors, huh?”

“...Yes. You’re right.”

I couldn’t see her eyes, but I could tell from her voice that King relaxed just a little. Maybe the reason she didn’t say “that’s good” aloud was out of consideration for me. ...I’d like to think so.

...But there was one thing I had to tell her.

It would probably sever King’s hopes. But if I didn’t tell her, it would only get harder as time passed, so with things like this, earlier is better.

“...So, anyway.”

“Yes?”

“I can walk, technically, but...”

...The next words did not come out the way I wanted. Because I didn’t want to see the face of King, who had pushed me forward no matter how rotten I got, twist in pain.

...But what was the point now? How many dates had passed since that day? Bowing my head to King at this stage would be empty, only a waste of effort.

“...You don’t have to force yourself to say it.”

“...!”

“You can’t run anymore, can you?”

“...You noticed.”

I was surprised. But, well, I suppose anyone would realize. I was hospitalized at such a major place, after all. Or maybe she had asked the doctor about it before seeing me.

“They said there’s a crack in some bone called the... radius? And because I ran when it was starting to crack, it’s apparently pretty bad. Also... what was it again... the flex... tendon...? Something or other is torn...”

“A fracture of the radius and a rupture of the flexor tendon. It happens when tendinitis progresses. ...I hear the pain is enough to make one lose consciousness.”

“Nyahaha. Not ‘I hear,’ I actually did lose consciousness. Well, thanks to that, apparently I’m in for a long hospital stay...”

“...It must have hurt.”

“In its own way. But, well, I was allowed to run as I liked, more or less, and if I think of it as the price for that, it’s cheap, right? Kidding.”

“...! Sky-san, how can you—!”

King’s voice colored with shock and sorrow.

...Did I choose the wrong words?

“King?”

“...No, let’s leave that for later. More importantly, Sky-san... do you still want to run?”

“Huh? U-umm, I wonder...”

“What do you mean, you wonder?”

“It’s just, right now I don’t have any feelings like ‘running is fun’ or ‘I want to run an interesting race,’ you know? So I don’t really understand whether I’m frustrated either... at least not right now.”

“I see... of course.”

“Sorry.”

“...It’s all right. Don’t worry about it. Everything up to now, everything from here on—we’ll think about it slowly, together.”

“...Yeah.”

...Really, I only ever cause King trouble. She gets more depressed than I do over me.

“Then first, why don’t you tell me about your life at the hospital?”

“And by that, you mean?”

“Are you living properly and seriously? Are you eating your meals? Surely you aren’t sneaking out without permission... are you?”

Things from while I had been rotting away in that hospital room. My memories were nothing but plain white. I didn’t know whether to call that “serious,” but I think I had been a model inpatient. A little too model, maybe, to the point of being boring.

I didn’t particularly mind, but at the brief silence, worrying King immediately added an apology.

“...I’m sorry. That wasn’t something I should ask you right now.”

“No, no, don’t overthink it. You’d be curious about stuff like that, right? You’ve never been hospitalized, King.”

Maybe that came out a little sarcastic.

King didn’t answer, but the tempo of her footsteps shifted with a little agitation. Reflection.

“Hmm...”

In the short pause, the noise of the city mingled together.

Life in the hospital.

You can sleep in as much as you want. Nobody gets in your way, and you don’t have to take classes. The halls are wide, and the staff greet you. They even bring meals to you.

Everything is free. You can do what you want when you feel like it. Not being able to run or fish is a small flaw, but.

Everything in front of you is new, and I’m sure there are people who enjoy strolling around the hospital.

It’s spacious, and there isn’t a single inconvenient thing.

“...Well, I guess I’m lonely after all.”

“...!”

“There’s nobody I know.”

Every single person passing by is a stranger. The nurses and cleaners are there to work. Until visiting permission came through today, I hadn’t had a single proper conversation. Thinking back, this might be the most I’d spoken since I collapsed.

“...And I’m too scared to look at my phone.”

I had caused such a grand accident. On Umatter, there’s surely a big image of me... no, more than me, probably the Uma Musume who took first. ...And besides that, I was very scared of the messages from King and my friends.

“Rather than living... it feels like I’m being kept alive. It feels like I’m being asked what meaning there is in me living, what value I have. A life under management is unbelievably boring.”

Because one leg had become useless, I could not move properly. A room buried in achromatic colors, a life that felt completely severed from the world, meals, care. ...Things that were supposed to be normal no longer felt normal.

“...”

After that, I didn’t know what to say, as if I had forgotten how to hold a conversation.

“...Sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing...?”

King had gone to all this effort to cheer me up, and I had made the atmosphere heavy again. ...Ahh, wow. I used to be better at reading the room than this.

“Look, the light’s green. We’d better cross before it changes.”

“...Yes.”

Unless I blamed it on that lonely room, I felt like I would no longer understand myself.

The arms holding me tightened.

“I’m here now.”

“...”

I did not answer King’s quiet murmur. Instead, I tightened the arms I had around her.

At least enough that this pathetic face could be hidden behind King, out of sight of the people around us.

King’s hair smelled of a sweet perfume that would never suit me.

It felt like about three in the afternoon. Probably.

Blue sky, white clouds, and a blue sea reflecting the color of the sky. It was exactly the sort of sea people used as an example on TV. It wasn’t even rough or dead calm. If I’d had a fishing rod, it would have been perfect.

And to top it off—

“Ohh...”

“There’s nobody here...”

Maybe because it was a weekday, there wasn’t anyone trying to swim. Or rather, we were the irregular ones here. Besides, spring is far too early for beach season.

“But there’s nowhere to sit... What shall we do?”

“You can just put me down around here, you know? Sei-chan doesn’t worry about stuff like that.”

“But you’ll get sand on you.”

“Then I’ll brush it off later. Besides, aren’t you about at your limit too, King?”

“Well... if you’re all right with it, then I don’t mind. Come on, I’m setting you down.”

“Mmm♪”

Every movement, from one step to the next, was filled with care so that I wouldn’t lose my balance for the sake of just one leg. Mm-hmm, very good. You may continue.

Ahh, it was good that today was sunny. If you’re going out with a friend, it has to be sunny, right?

Looking at that empty sweep of sky, a thought suddenly came to me.

...If I could throw everything away and fly beyond that sky, how much would it save me?

Somehow. Truly somehow, that thought came to me. Well, sadly, Sei-chan has no wings on her back, so that’s impossible. Too bad.

“About that... though...”

Leaving my thoughts aside, King let those words slip with a gloomy face.

“What’s wrong?”

“I... there’s something that’s been bothering me this whole time...”

“Oh my, what is it? Could it be my three sizes? Eek☆”

“...”

“...I’m sorry.”

Come on, I was only trying to lighten the mood a little. You could at least play along. But from the look on this king’s face, she apparently wasn’t in that kind of mood right now. A pity.

“Sky-san... how can you keep smiling like that...?”

...Well, of course she wasn’t going to let me off that easily.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“...I know well enough that that isn’t your real face.”

I know. No matter how bravely she acted, the color of worry had never disappeared from the hospital room. This girl was that much of a soft touch.

“Normally, a person would be shocked at least once or twice. That... Tenno Sho... you...”

“...Ah, yeah. I get what you’re trying to say.”

In short, King was apparently so worried she couldn’t stand it, worried that I had broken from the shock of losing. But for Sei-chan, that was no problemo.

“But, you know, if you draw the line and say racing is just a footrace in the end, it doesn’t really bother you all that much. It’s not like life is only racing, right?”

With that kind of thing, the one who cares loses. I think life is more fun if you think about things that are more enjoyable instead of pointlessly taking it too seriously.

“Honestly, it would’ve been weirder if I’d won against that lineup. If anything, I got lucky thanks to my injury—I didn’t have to embarrass myself. Something like that?”

...So forget about such ancient history.

“...Isn’t it pointless? Spending time agonizing over every little thing like that.”

“...!!”

I remember the expression King wore then even now.

A sharp look I had never seen before, colored with both grief and anger, stabbed straight through me.

“No, that one really was... uh, sorr—”

“...Today.”

“...”

King spoke as if she had deliberately cut my words off.

“Today, when I first saw you. I thought you had suffered an immense shock from what happened in the race, Sky-san...

“But it seems that wasn’t quite it.”

King’s ice-cold, low voice shook my heart.

“You pretend to be fine even to yourself... no, perhaps even you haven’t noticed.”

“U-umm... I don’t really get what you’re trying to say, King. If I haven’t noticed it in the end, then isn’t it basically the same as there being nothing there?”

“No. You need to face reality properly. You kept laughing like that, and I thought it was strange. Since I met you in the hospital, not once have you brought up the race yourself.”

“...That’s just nitpicking. It’s not like I needed to go out of my way to talk about it.”

“You didn’t need to talk about it? You?”

“Yeah? Digging up the past never does anyone any good.”

“Then I’ll ask you one more time, Sky-san. Do you still think you want to run?”

Would she please just understand already? I keep saying I don’t care, so this whole conversation is pointless.

“I told you, I don’t know. And even if I did think that, it’s impossible with this leg, right?”

“...Then I’ll change the question. That day, the day your leg broke. ...Did you run because, from the bottom of your heart, you wanted to run? Because you wanted to win?”

“Of course I did. If I didn’t want to run, what was the point of entering the race?”

“And what makes that ‘of course’? What is that ‘of course’ based on?”

“...What are you getting at, seriously? If you have something to say, just say it clearly.”

“The feeling you called obvious. Was it born from a sense of obligation or duty?”

“No, no. You think I’d run for a boring reason like that?”

“Then answer me. What feelings did you run that Tenno Sho with? Why did you feel you would run it?”

“...”

...You’re really pressing today. King, who normally walks around in human form wearing consideration like clothing, is somehow managing to tear into someone’s heart like this.

“What, you can’t even answer that? For someone who declared it obvious, it doesn’t seem like much.”

“...It’s not that I can’t answer. I just don’t want to.”

“And why is that?”

“Because in my heart I was trying to look cool, and the result was that disaster. There’s no meaning in answering now. ...It’s just pathetic.”

“There you go. You do have one, don’t you? Your reason for running.”

I’d been saying that all along. Nice hobby you’ve got, digging up the things people hate.

...But King spat out the next words as if she had lost interest.

“Well, I’m sure it was some worthless reason.”

“...!!”

At those words, I felt heat race through my entire body.

“...What? What have you been trying to do since a minute ago? All these vague words.”

“Oh? I only asked you why you run.”

“Hmm, so you ask me that yourself and then casually insult my reason. Don’t know what kind of nerve you’ve got, but still.”

“But isn’t it true? Your reason for wanting to run. It’s tiny, insignificant, and utterly lame—”

“Shut up...!”

“What, so in the end you only came here to mock me, King. You only pretended to worry so you could laugh at me.”

My sarcasm did not change her expression at all. As if she had expected that answer from me, she sneered.

“My, you look terribly dissatisfied. You said it yourself, didn’t you? That it would be weirder if you had won.”

“So what... what does that have to do with anything...!”

“In other words, you challenged opponents you assumed you couldn’t beat, didn’t you?”

“...!”

...Right. What King was saying was nothing more than the words I myself had spoken. That was why all I could do was endure as my nerves were raked raw.

“You challenged opponents you couldn’t beat, and the result was uglier than a crushing defeat. Because you knew that from the start, you can so easily laugh it off and say, ‘It couldn’t be helped.’ When I think of the girl who gave her slot to someone like you, I can’t help but find it regrettable...”

...But I had reached my limit.

“Good for you, wasn’t it? Getting injured. Thanks to that, you didn’t have to show everyone the sight of you pathetically losing by pure ability. Lucky—”

“Shut up already!!!!!!!!!”

“...Kyaa!”

I didn’t want to hear any more of her voice, and before King could finish speaking, I had grabbed her by the front of her uniform and pinned her to the ground.

“Kh, cough... What... are you doing...!”

Every voice that entered my ears was unpleasant.

Even though I was the one pinning her down, King still gave a small laugh.

...It felt as though she was looking down on me.

“...Ugh, ow...”

“!!”

King’s hoarse voice.

In that instant, all the blood drained from my head at what I had done.

“S-sorry!”

I had driven the thumb of the hand I had grabbed her with into King’s throat, acting only on emotion.

As though I had meant to kill her with this hand.

“Cough! Cough... really... you’re such a brute...”

“...Huh?”

Even after I had acted violently, she smiled at me as if troubled.

Th-that’s it...?

Your throat...!?

“K-King! Are you all righ— ow!”

A sharp pain ran through my right leg as I tried to hurriedly jump away.

“Wait! You mustn’t push yourself! Your leg is broken!”

“Th-that’s not the point...!”

“...It’s all right. Don’t worry about me.”

There was a small cut at her throat. But King paid it no mind, closed her eyes, and smiled with satisfaction.

“Yes. That’s how you should be.”

“Huh...?”

“You showed me the answer I wanted from you.”

“The answer...?”

She let out a small breath, then slowly showed me her red eyes and smiled.

“First, I’m sorry. I judged your dream as ‘worthless’ on my own. I apologize for that here.

“...Listen. No one’s dream should ever be denied by anyone.

“That is why this is my punishment for denying your dream. Well, I did guide you into it myself.

“You hated it, didn’t you? Having someone decide on their own that your dream was worthless.”

...That’s right. Even someone like me had carried a dream. ...But it’s a dream that can’t come true anymore, and...

“You might think you’ve given up... but somewhere in your heart, you still haven’t managed to.”

Saying that, she gently took the hand I had clenched hard around the sand.

“As proof, look...”

I should have been putting a great deal of strength into it, yet I obeyed King’s light touch without resisting.

“...!”

Guided by King’s hand, my own hand crawled toward her throat.

Skin that was pure white, soft, warm, and terribly beautiful. ...Part of it was sunken red in the shape of my nails. If I had truly meant to, I could probably have torn that throat open.

Through my hand, I felt King’s pulse. Even in this situation, that pulse was calm.

“...That was very strong. You must have had something you absolutely didn’t want to yield.”

Her neat, beautiful fingers traced along my wrist.

“...Sky-san.”

“...”

“Are races truly ‘just footraces’ to you?”

“...!”

“Were the days you spent running with us truly worthless?”

“That’s... not...”

My life, the one I had called “worthless.”

At King’s words, my vision clouded.

The scenery I should have turned my eyes away from came into view.

...Ahh, that’s right.

Left behind by countless lengths, my name no longer called.

...Even so.

Even if my leg broke.

Even if flesh tore.

Even if I screamed those pains down until my throat split.

Still, I had reached out for and wanted something.

“I... I wanted...!”

It had not changed since the day I entered the academy.

“I wanted to win...!”

Words spilled out. The feeling I had tried to look cool about, denied, and yet still had seen through me.

“I wanted to win...! Everyone kept saying with one voice that it was a new era... that there was an Overlord...!!!”

“So... I wanted to teach them...!!! ‘I’m right here’...! ‘Don’t forget me’!!!!”

“And if I won... maybe everyone... maybe Grandpa would praise me...!”

“But...! I...!”

I could not say I lost. The words flowed away without leaving my mouth.

“...You’ve finally cried for me.”

“You were really frustrated, weren’t you? Running until you were so battered, pushing yourself so hard...”

“Uuuhhh...!!”

“I absolutely won’t cry.” I had decided I would never show anyone such a pathetic sight. And yet King destroyed that with a single sentence.

“...You worked hard, Sky-san.”

“Don’t screw with me... ah... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!”

Not caring that something flowing from my eyes entered my mouth, I kept screaming toward the heavens.

I surrendered my body to feelings that resembled anger and grief, and screamed like a child.

I do not think I cried. If I called it that, it would feel like I had lost to King. So I screamed.

Frustrating. Those monsters with arrogance as boundless as the blue sky. Give me the revenge for my friends who lost for your sake.

A curse aimed at every Uma Musume who had stood ahead of me, even though I had been last. If anyone had heard it, oh, it would have burned beautifully. But my heart burned so hot now that even that would not lose to it.

My childish wail echoed again and again beyond the sky until I ran out of breath.

After my tears dried up and some time had passed.

King laughed and pointed out, “How long do I have to keep carrying you on my back?” because I had been straddling her the entire time.

...After that, I sat leaning beside King and let myself soak in the passing time.

“...You know, when I visited your hospital room today and saw how thin you’d become, Sky-san... I thought the same thing as you.”

“The same thing?”

“That this child is not living by her own strength. She is being kept alive by those around her. It was rude, so I had no intention of saying it aloud, though.”

“Ah, yeah... that’s fine. That’s what hospitals are for, after all.”

“No. I don’t mean something external like that... I couldn’t feel from you any vitality saying you wanted to live.”

“I... see...”

Well, I had been rotting in the most literal sense. Without thinking about what had happened up to now or what would happen from here on, I had simply soaked in the passing time and become a creature that did nothing but breathe.

...Ahh, what a boring way to live. Me.

“...King, you’re kind, aren’t you?”

“What is this, so suddenly...?”

“I honestly thought I’d said enough for you to yell at me, hit me, and leave me here... that sort of thing...”

Not that there wasn’t some déjà vu there too. But even if my mouth tore open, I couldn’t say that.

“Honestly... even if I lost myself to anger, this King would never do something so childish.”

“Ah, ahaha...”

“If you had twisted yourself into knots on your own, I would smack you straight again. But there’s no way I would hit you when you’re already so battered.”

She smiled as if troubled. I had been troubling King all day, but I liked this expression of hers.

“She’s smiling for me,” I thought. I didn’t know why, but I really liked it.

“...Truthfully, that isn’t all. I don’t mean to say I don’t understand how you feel, either.”

“Huh...?”

“If you don’t think about sad things, you can become happier. Everyone thinks that at least once. Of course, even this King has.

“If you are trapped by the past, you cannot grow. That is by no means wrong. But being trapped by something and accepting it mean different things.

“You accept your past self, and then consider how to overcome it. Having accepted it, you decide how you yourself should be. Cutting that path open with your own strength and succeeding is what we call growth.

“If you keep averting your eyes from painful things and thinking only about enjoyable things, the day will surely come when you no longer know what is right and what is wrong.”

“King...”

“...So I’m truly glad that you faced your own heart. ...Remember this. You did not fail and shatter. Today, here, you were able to take one step toward growth.”

King continued speaking as if she could see the place I was heading. Even so, the reason I could not argue was that every one of her words was thinking of my future.

...I’ve never been able to resist her when she gets like this.

Then King lowered her eyes, looking a little lonely.

“...You know, I know exactly one girl like that.”

“That kind of girl.” Did she mean someone who could not face herself and sank away? ...If so, that meant there was an Uma Musume even sadder than me. Could such a thing be possible?

“Now that I think about it, she too was, strangely enough, in circumstances similar to yours.”

“To mine...?”

“Yes. An Uma Musume who ran in races like you, broke, and could no longer recognize her own worth.”

Saying that, King turned her gaze back toward the sea.

“...Let me tell you an old story.”

A cold sea breeze passed between us.

This is a story from when Mother was active.

The night before I set off for the academy.

She called me over before bed, saying, “I want you to know this, just in case,” and told me.

At the time, Mother had one dear friend, a very beautiful gray-haired girl. She didn’t tell me the name.

That girl loved running more than anything. ...Hmm, if I were to compare her, maybe she was close to Urara-san or Suzuka-senpai? I’ve never met her, though.

Her academic ability could not be called good even as flattery, but when it came to running, she loved it so much she would break curfew and sneak out of the dorm.

Whenever she ran, she always ran smiling, and simply watching her made others have fun too.

She laughed often and ran often. Apparently, she was the popular girl in class.

She too was an Uma Musume at the academy, so the day would eventually come when she challenged the Twinkle Series.

...She was strong. Though in her debut race she only managed to place, I hear she broke through maiden races after two tries.

After that too, she showed strength enough to press into the upper ranks of graded races.

Because she was so charming, she apparently had quite a few fans.

...And then, with her results recognized, the day finally came for her to run in a GI.

Her first GI.

As if answering everyone’s expectations, she pushed her body farther and farther forward.

...But.

Near the end of the final corner, she failed to finish turning and slammed into the outside rail at top speed.

The cause was a stress fracture in her right leg during the race. Apparently, she had also gone out running the day before. ...I know it’s unkind to say, but I think that was terribly like her.

As a result of falling at top speed, on top of the stress fracture in her right leg, she broke the right arm she struck with and suffered injuries serious enough that the right half of her face, dragged across the turf, had to be stitched.

Naturally, she was taken to the hospital just like that.

...In the end, unable to answer her fans’ expectations, she had to retire.

The moment permission to visit was granted, her friends, Mother included, flew to her hospital room.

But, unexpectedly, she greeted them with a smile.

Only... everyone realized that it was a social smile meant to keep them from worrying.

So all of them kept going to her side without missing a single day.

Every day they encouraged her with words like “It’s all right,” “You were more than amazing enough,” and “You’re wonderful just for being alive.” ...Unfortunately, they could not allow her to hope for a next time.

Everything was for the sake of bringing back her smile.

And that wish came true three weeks and a little after she collapsed.

On the day she was discharged. Though she still relied on crutches, she was allowed to have the cast removed and attend the academy.

“Thank you.”

She left the hospital and smiled like that.

At the time, Mother was apparently so happy she could have flown.

“My efforts weren’t wasted!”

“She got her smile back!”

“I can go to the academy together with her again!”

She was so happy she could hardly stand it, full of those feelings. A smile she loved had lit up again on the face of her dear friend, which had been cloudy for so long.

I’m sure everyone felt the same way.

That day, she apparently could not wait for the next day. She believed that the next time they met, they would be wearing the same uniform, laughing together in the classroom.

...That night, a phone call came to my house.

They said she had hanged herself in her room.

...Her suicide note said this:

“Please do not pity the self I cannot forgive.”

Mother’s story ended there.

I stopped her.

...The tears Mother shed while she spoke remain vividly in my memory even now.

Because I understood just how much Mother still blamed herself, and why she had not wanted me to enter the world of racing.

...This is only my own thought, but now I feel as though I understand what she wanted back then.

I’m sure she had no time to face herself.

Before she knew it, she was on a bed. She should have been frustrated, but she couldn’t remember what she had felt during the race.

There were girls who encouraged her, but there was no one who comforted her.

Comfort and encouragement are similar, but they are clearly different things.

Using her as an example... yes, it would be like pouring gasoline into a car that is breaking down. That would only mean waiting for it to explode and go up in flames.

The tragedy that happened in the GI race she had dreamed of. To a heart that had not accepted it, the words “You’re strong, so you’ll be fine” were... far too much like poison.

So I’m sure she lost sight of her own worth.

“What are you expecting from a broken me?”

“Nothing remains in my hands anymore, so what basis do you have for expecting anything from me...?”

“I couldn’t study, and now the running that was my one strong point has been taken from me... is there anything left you can expect from me?”

“I betrayed everyone’s expectations... and even if you expect something from me, I’ll only betray those expectations again... so why...?”

To everyone else, she may have been like the sun at the center of the class, but from her point of view, perhaps expectations had only been pushed onto her against her will.

I’m sure she endured behind her smile.

Even when painful things happened, she desperately crushed them down inside herself.

Even if no one around her could see them, the wounds carved into herself only kept increasing.

To put it the other way, precisely because no one could see them, no one could heal them.

...I’m sure what she wanted in her heart was someone to face them together with her and offer comforting words like “You worked hard” and “It hurt, didn’t it.” Not someone to push her from behind, but someone to support her at her side when she seemed about to collapse.

No one was able to notice that truth.

...And so she, crushed under the expectations around her without a single ally, unable even to shed tears or feel frustrated...

Left this world all alone.

After she finished telling the story, King held a handkerchief out to me.

“Wh-what...?”

Even when I asked, King did not answer.

Plop.

I felt something fall onto my lap.

“...!”

And I realized tears were running down my cheeks.

An Uma Musume who left this world all alone.

I understood now why King had told me that story.

“I didn’t feel alive.”

“I don’t know my own worth.”

...It was exactly like me.

“You proved you can walk your own path.

“...If, even so, you have feelings for her, then you too should become an Uma Musume who understands people’s pain.”

She turned her gaze away from me and back to the sea as she said that.

I continued listening to the sound of those ripples until the falling tears stopped. All the while, King gently held my shoulder.

It felt as though she was teaching me what human warmth was, and when I thought that someone in the distant past had never been able to know it, I felt terribly frustrated.

Truthfully, it was about time we went back. But... I wanted to savor this time just a little longer.

King had surely noticed too, yet she didn’t point it out, so if we got scolded, you’d better get scolded with me. I’m sure that would make it an especially lovely memory.

That same King was smiling as she gazed at the sea. ...Her profile was so beautiful it almost wasn’t fair.

“...You look happy.”

“...! Fufufu♪ Does it look that way?”

What was making her so happy? Because she had seen my pathetic side? ...Just kidding.

Then she stood up as if she were about to dance. Even her tail, swaying cheerfully, looked as though it was dancing.

“Hey, Sky-san.”

The sea breeze stirred King’s wavy hair.

“You know, I think I like the Sky-san you are now better after all.”

King smiled gently.

With the sky, tinged in madder red, behind her as she smiled, I felt something deep in my chest thump.

“So I’d be happy if you smiled many times from now on too. For the sake of someone who couldn’t smile, together with me... all right?”

“Y-yeah...”

...How can she say things like that so calmly? I don’t know if she’s being swept along by the mood or what.

King really is a girl too, huh. ...Wait, what am I thinking?

“...Are you embarrassed?”

“Pfft! N-no, I’m not! This is, um... not...”

Maybe because I had gotten strangely flustered, I couldn’t think of an excuse on the spot. Letting King see that was a huge mistake.

“Hmmm...?”

“...What are you grinning at?”

“Nothing at all? I was only thinking, Sky-san, you’re surprisingly weak to the word ‘like’♪”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I’m simply not used to being told that, so please don’t get any strange ideas.”

“Oh? Then perhaps this King should say it to you many times from now on♪”

...I had somehow forgotten that once this king gets carried away, she doesn’t stop.

“...Pervert King.”

“I can’t let the word pervert pass! I simply want to praise you...”

“You can phrase anything however you want...”

Also, I wish she’d stop grinning like that. Scheming doesn’t suit you at all.

“Hey, Sky-san.”

“...What?”

Bad feelings really do come true. But I’m not so careless that I won’t brace myself when I know it’s coming.

“I loooove you♪”

“...～～～～～～～っ!!!!!!!!!”

Her voice was sweeter than usual, and though she was a high-schooler, the word girl suited that innocent smile even more than before.

...I don’t want to admit it, but that smile was very cute, and the deepest part of my chest would not stop going thump, thump.

“Ohohohohoho! Think of it as payback for always teasing others!”

King’s loud laugh echoed clearly from beyond the hands covering my face. Well, she sure got carried away beautifully.

“K-King, you...!”

“Oh my, what is it? My beloved Sky-san♪”

“...! That stuff... enough already...!”

At the voice I squeezed out from my throat, King laughed again.

I refuse to admit it. There’s no way I, of all people, am going to expose my shame one-sidedly to King.

“...King! Saying that you... l-like... me... um... it kinda sounds like a proposal, doesn’t it...?”

“...Huh?”

...See? I knew it. This is what happens when you get too carried away.

Through the gaps between my fingers, I saw King’s face go boom! as if it had made a sound.

“...Ah!! Th-th-th-that was... um...”

King’s face grew redder and redder before my eyes. Enough to rival me. No, I’m definitely calmer. I won’t acknowledge a victory for King.

And the expression King wore when she reached her breaking point was the funniest of all the expressions I had ever seen on her.

“I-it’s not like that!!!!!!!”

That was the loudest voice King let out all day.

It wasn’t until a little before the sun slanted and the sky fully dyed itself madder red that the sea breeze cooled the heat between us.

...Well, just for today, I’ll call it a draw. Yeah.

It was a slightly embarrassing, awkward time.

But I remember that the inside of my chest stayed very warm the entire time.

“Well then, I’ll come again.”

The bus stop in front of the hospital. The town had become completely reflective with the colors of sunset.

After that, King gave me as much of her time as she was allowed. Even now, this was time permitted under the grand pretext of seeing her off.

King told me I didn’t have to push myself, but I wanted to do it. ...Also, I got her to carry me on her back one more time.

Time was passing. Even though I had to go back before the bus arrived, I kept thinking, “Just a little longer.”

All alone in that pure white room buried in the smell of medicine.

Now that I had been thoroughly colored, I hated the thought of returning to that boring loneliness.

“...”

“...”

“U-um, hey!”

“Hey, Sky-san.”

Our words overlapped. ...Maybe King felt the same way as me... maybe.

“...You go first, Sky-san.”

“O-okay...”

The truth was that I had only spoken on reflex to fill the silence, so I didn’t have a thought prepared.

“Um, well... King... once my leg heals, let’s go to the sea again, just the two of us. And... when we do, let’s do lots of the things we couldn’t do today.”

“...Yes, of course! Fishing or swimming, let’s go make memories even better than the ones we’ve made so far!”

King smiled happily at my words.

At the sea, I had thrown out all the painful things with everything I had. I had laughed and cried and held her.

Could I... hope for even better memories than that with King?

“What were you about to say, King?”

“...You already said all of it for me.”

“Huh?”

“I was going to say the same thing as you. Today, we shouted a lot, so next time let’s do something more fun.”

“...Hehe, I see.”

No words followed after that, but that time felt very happy to me.

The bus to the academy had stopped at the traffic light one block over. No matter how selfish I tried to be, endings always came.

“You should go now, shouldn’t you?”

“...Yeah, I know.”

King had stayed calmly at my side all day, but... I knew I had to say goodbye.

I knew, but. My feet refused to move. Strength gathered in the hand holding my crutches.

“Kin...g...”

Ah, damn it. Since when did I get this weak? Like this, I’m just a child who can’t leave her parent’s side.

“...Honestly, you really can’t be helped.”

“Ah...”

Saying that, King lightly stroked my head. ...When was the last time someone stroked my head?

Unlike Grandpa’s rough way of petting me, King’s hand was very gentle.

“I’ll always be waiting for you, Sky-san.”

“Huh...?”

“You can look at your phone by now, can’t you? Any time is fine. Even in the middle of the night. If you get lonely, contact me whenever you like.”

“...”

“You know, even if you can no longer win, even if your leg breaks, even if your arm breaks, even if you can no longer see—so long as you are Seiun Sky, I will always accept you.

“Because I am on Seiun Sky’s side. ...So don’t be afraid. All right?”

“Ki...ng...”

I thought I had finally dried up, but at King’s kind voice and troubled smile, my vision almost blurred again.

“...Then I’ll cast a charm on you so you won’t get lonely.”

“I-I told you, I won’t get lonely!”

A lie. I had actually thought I wanted her to stay over at the hospital. Obviously she wouldn’t get permission, and King had King’s own life, so what was I doing throwing a tantrum?

I had been able to honestly say I was lonely in the afternoon, but now I was embarrassed to admit it.

“Come on, close your eyes.”

“F-fine...”

This really was like parent and child.

Actually, what did she mean, a charm? If it was something like pain, pain, fly away, that would wrap back around and become funny.

...But that charm tasted far more grown-up than I had expected.

“...Mm!”

“......!?”

A soft sensation on my cheek.

“K-King!?”

When I opened my eyes wide in shock at that, King’s face was close enough to touch, though she had stepped back with a hand over her own mouth.

If my guess wasn’t wrong... something of King’s had fallen on my cheek.

“...I told you, it’s a charm. To drive away your loneliness and make sure we meet again.”

I thought she had been swept along by the atmosphere again... but King’s face was red enough that I couldn’t blame it on the sunset.

...In other words, stone-cold sober.

“...～～～～～～っ, uaaaaah...!”

Heat raced through my entire body, and my heart thundered wild and loud. All of it must have been reaching King’s triumphant face.

I lost, damn it.

“Goodbye! M-my beloved Sky-san!”

“Ahhh, enough already! Don’t get cocky, idiot King!!”

“H-hmph! If you’re reacting like that, then it seems the charm worked! Behave yourself for a while!!!”

“You don’t look cool just because you say it fast!”

If she was embarrassed, I wished she wouldn’t say it. Truly, there’s nothing scarier than an attack launched with self-destruction in mind.

King boarded the bus, which had stopped at some point, with great momentum.

The May wind was still a little cold. But it was completely useless at cooling Sei-chan’s face, heated all the way to its limit. The end.

...Ahh, damn it, she really got me. That first-rate klutz.

“King, you idiot...”

Next time, I won’t let her get me like this.

My hoarse little voice did not reach the bus as it grew smaller.

In the end, I couldn’t move from that spot until a nurse scolded me.

From that day onward, I was able to talk with King through my phone every night.

About things at the academy, about my life. Sometimes Urara-chan would burst in too. I remember it being very fun.

I had never dreamed that I could laugh in that flavorless hospital room.

Thanks to that, I did not feel lonely.

The miso-katsu bread from the cafeteria that I received from King and ate for the first time in so long was so delicious it brought tears to my eyes.

...But.

Even while I returned to my hospital room, even after lights-out.

The heat of King’s “charm” left on my cheek did not cool.

For so long, so long. The you inside my heart smiled warmly at me, like the you I had seen by that sea.

Each time, deep inside my chest, something gave a small thump, thump, and trembled.

That sound in my chest, restless but never unpleasant,

Was almost like the sound of bells blessing something.

to be continued…