Chapter Text
An article in the morning’s paper had declared three squibs dead in a suspicious attack near Diagon Alley, possibly linked to last week’s murder of ten muggles. Marlene had read it out, voice trembling slightly, as Lily pushed porridge around her bowl and stared into the table. No one had said anything, their silence only interrupted when a second year tried to stand up from the neighbouring table and tripped over the bench, sprawling to the floor. Lily had used it as an excuse to leave, jumping up and helping him to stand, smiling softly at him. By the time Lily sat down again Mary had begun to complain about the five foot Care of Magical Creatures essay she had been set and the article wasn’t brought up again.
That night once everyone’s breath has slowed and Dorcas has begun to snore, Lily grabs a jumper, steps into some slippers and sneaks downstairs to the common room. She can’t sleep, she knows she can’t. All day the words have been spinning in her head, the bodies of three squibs were found yesterday afternoon in a muggle-owned block of flats in London, close to the popular and famous pub, The Leaky Cauldron. These days there’s a murder or missing persons report almost every other week, hidden away in the Prophet behind the front page news as if that will make the reality disappear. Aurors on the scene refused to provide comment but the Ministry of Magic released an official statement in the evening acknowledging the attack, identifying the victims and stating that “everything in their power was being done to find the attacker”.
She doesn’t realise she’s crying until she tastes salt and then she jerks her hand to her face, brushing the tears away because she should not be crying. It is not her loss to mourn and besides, she’s strong, stronger than crying in an empty common room in front of a dying fire at one in the morning. Behind her, someone clears their throat. Lily is definitely stronger than crying in a now obviously less than empty common room. She whips her head around and stares at the intruder.
It’s James Potter.
Of course it is. It wouldn’t be truly embarrassing for Lily if it was anyone else. Merlin, she hates the universe sometimes.
He’s standing at the foot of the dormitory stairs, glasses askew on his nose and pyjamas rumpled. He looks hesitant. Lily realises she’s never seen him nervous before, had never even considered that he had the ability to feel that particular emotion. Neither of them saying anything for a moment. Lily continues to stare and James continues to look hesitant. Then -
“I was just going upstairs, was just looking for a book.” She goes to stand, not caring that it’s such an obvious lie.
He steps forward. “I couldn’t sleep either.”
Suddenly, for a reason she can’t quite figure out, Lily doesn’t feel like she needs to lie to him. So she sits back down, turning her face towards the fire’s embers. His feet are quiet on the flagstones and the sofa barely groans when he sits down at the opposite end to her, as if he’s afraid she’ll bite. Lily watches him out of the corner of her eye, trying not to notice the details. But she notices anyway. The way he runs a hand through his hair for every minute that passes without one of them saying anything. How his pyjamas are matching, an absurd and obnoxious red and gold striped pattern which flickers in the firelight. That his fingers tap incessantly against his thigh, a rhythm no one else could match.
They’re not friends and not enemies either. Logically, they should be. Her best friend hates him, he hates her best friend, she sticks up for her best friend whenever he decides to be a prick to him. But the anger that bubbles up inside her when he hexes Sev or makes a snide comment never manages to translate to when Severus isn’t there. He’s funny, loud and boisterous and arrogant too, but he’s genuinely witty and sometimes she can’t help but talk back. Can’t help but smile at his comments in class or the pranks he and the other three pull. Can’t help but believe that he’s not all bad. So, their relationship hovers in that space between, existing without acknowledgement, not friends, not enemies, the Schrodinger’s cat of relationships.
“You can tell me.” James says, turning his head to look at her.
“Why would I do that?” She doesn’t look, focuses instead on the fireplace.
He falters. “Because, we’re -.” Silence fills the room again and James turns away, he too unsure of what they really are.
Eventually the fire dies completely and yet neither of them move, frozen at either end of the sofa, eyes on the wall, waiting, thinking, caring.
“It was the article,” Lily starts quietly, not looking at James but feeling him watch her, “this morning. About the attacks. I-I want to help, but I can’t do anything, I feel useless. I want to leave and go help. And I’m scared. My family, they aren’t like me, they don’t know what’s happening, they won’t be able to protect themselves, it could be their names in the headlines next week, or the week after…” she shrugs, tears threatening to fall again.
“I understand.” Her head snaps around and he winces, “I mean, I understand wanting to help. I love Hogwarts but it’s not the real world. And I understand loving my family.” He holds his hands up defensively before she can interrupt him, even though she makes no move to. “I know it’s different, because my family aren’t muggles, but, I love them and I want to be able to protect them even if they don’t need it.”
His hands lower as she nods. “I just wish I was out there, fighting.”
“We’re no use to anyone.”
“What do you mean? Of course we are, the more people -”
“The more people who haven’t finished their education? Evans, we’re useless until we’ve passed our NEWTs. Even then we’ll be inexperienced. We’d do more harm than good.”
Lily opens her mouths, pauses, then drops her head into her hands, muffling her voice. “I didn’t realise you were so rational, Potter.”
“I’m full of surprises.” He says, eyes tracing the curve of her neck. “We’ll be able to help soon. When you get out there, they won’t know what’s hit them.”
“Thanks, Potter.” She lifts her head and smiles, feeling lighter for having shared with someone. The article’s words are still swimming in her head but, they’re quieter.
The clock strikes, sounding out a single chime, and James stands up, holding his hand out for Lily. “The house elves will be up soon.” She accepts it and lets him pull her to her feet.
Their hands drop and they walk side by side to the dormitory doors, James pausing with his hand on the door handle. “Hey, Evans?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re not alone.”