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"When I tell my daughter the story about the great love of my life, I want it to have a happy ending." Cuddy's grip tightens on the sides of the podium. If she lets go she'll fall down and she doesn't know how she'll get back up, "There was never going to be a happy ending for Gregory House."
Cuddy doesn't look at Blythe. Cuddy can't look at Blythe. She wonders if Blythe knows that her son's life would have always ended in tragedy. Cuddy knows she holds some of the blame. At some point in his life, he lost his chance, and Cuddy will hold a piece of the guilt with her until she dies.
"I loved Greg for 26 years, the kind of love you can only have when you're young and stupid. I never loved anyone better. I'm not gonna get it again. And I hated him, too," Cuddy laughs, fake and high. Tears threaten to spill, "I do hate him. And I do love him. That was what we did, we played that game. And then he drove a car into my house. That changed things."
The crowd winces. Cuddy feels a flash of fear, fresh as when she first heard the sound of her walls collapse. Nothing in her life had felt right since that day. She said to Wilson, all fire and fear, "I don't want to see House again unless he's dead."
She meant it. She'd meant it every second of every day and then she got the call,
She won't say any of this.
"I could spend the rest of my life wishing he didn't. I gave up my hospital, my job. That hospital was my life, and I let House take it from me, and-" Cuddy's cheeks are wet. She wipes her eyes with the palm of her hand. "I'm sorry. I don't know how to talk about him without talking about it. I don't know how to think about him without thinking about it."
She thinks she'll stop crying, because she's not supposed to let this many people see her weakness. She wills herself to stop. She doesn't. Wilson walks to the podium and places a hand on her shoulder.
Cuddy turns to Wilson. He wraps his arms around her. He whispers, "Lisa, come sit down."
"I can't." Cuddy shakes her head, "I have to do this."
Wilson's mouth twists. Cuddy sees her own overpowering raw grief mirrored in Wilson's face. He offers her water. "You're doing good."
Cuddy gives him a weak smile. She sips from the plastic bottle and steadies her breathing. In a few months, she will be speaking at Wilson's funeral and there will be no one there to comfort her.
"Thank you, James." Cuddy dismisses. She turns back towards the crowd. She hates the pity she sees.
"I met House in college. He was arrogant and ambitious and brilliant. And so was I. I liked him, even then, and-" Cuddy laughs, "Well, I don't think we were soulmates, but House would hate it if I said we were, so in the spirit of pissing off the dead: it was like we were soulmates."
"House wasn't a good doctor. He was amazing at what he did, maybe the best, but his methods were crazy. His bedside manner was the worst I'd ever seen. He needed someone to keep him in control, and I think I did the best anyone could. He saved hundreds of lives, and I kept him out of jail. Well, until..." Cuddy doesn't finish the thought, "We made a good pair."
"House loved my daughter. He didn't say it, but he did. Rachel still asks me to put on that horrible pirate show they'd watch together. There could have been a world where he made better decisions. I'd like to see a life where I had both of them, where I could feel safe with both of them. House told me, once, that I see the world as it is, and how it could be."
Cuddy doesn't mention that he also said she doesn't see the "giant, gaping chasm in-between". "I do see them both. I'm grieving the world as it could be. I'm grieving what House could have been."
Cuddy stops. She knows what she'll say, but she can't, yet. She looks at the people around her.
These people, whose lives House had touched. He taught them, healed them, hurt them. House had been cruel to all of them. They were here to mourn him.
"I will never forgive Gregory House," Cuddy starts again, bold and hurt, "I will never be able to, now. There will not be a world where I could. The story of Gregory House was never going to have a happy ending, but it did not have to end like this."
Cuddy takes a step back. She feels numb. The world is distant as she takes her seat next to Wilson. He takes the place on the podium. Cuddy doesn't hear what he says.