Chapter Text
What day is it? Dazai's eyes flutter open and he audibly sighs. He had fallen asleep on his gaming chair after playing games till 5 in the morning, which means he slept for about an hour. Dazai wishes he hadn't woken up.
The atmosphere's getting stifling again. Dazai's breathing problems are back. The doctors had affirmed that his lungs are completely fine, that the lack of breath is all in his head. But Dazai feels his chest tighten as he gasps for more air.
A quick glance at the calendar on his wall reminds him that today is Tuesday. Shit.
Just like every other day, Dazai leaves for school on time. And yet again, he has no one to make him a school lunch.
As he reaches his classroom, the excited murmurs and new seating arrangement reminds Dazai that today is supposed to be his first day of grade 11. A stark reminder of how old Dazai is makes him uncomfortable.
"Osamu Dazai?"
Dazai is finally forced to zone back to reality as the teacher calls out his name.
"Yosano, Kunikida...." the teacher continues.
The exciting atmosphere that hung over the entire class was a foreign concept to Dazai. The only time he feels an emotion close to excitement is while teaming up with his online friend to defeat the enemies-
"Oi, move your bag. This is my seat."
Dazai follows the voice to see a boy- a new one- looking down at him.
His fiery hair and bright blue eyes makes him look...pretty. The boy sits down in the desk beside his and takes out his notebooks. Just a pretty face isn't enough to interest Dazai, as he again gets absorbed within the void in his brain.
He finds it difficult to breathe.
"Heyy, remember me?" Dazai turns back to meet with a pair of emerald green eyes and a wide smile....oh yes, Ranpo. Dazai shoots a sarcastic smile.
" 'Course i do, Edogawa. As if i wouldn't remember the oh so reputed class topper-"
"Well your no dumbass either, three-time-Olympiad-winner."
Dazai is often called a child prodigy. The whole school is aware of this so-called-genius capability of his. But being called a genius makes Dazai feel like a fraud.
As the teacher starts yapping, Dazai's fatigue hits him and his vision blurs, dissociating.
why is the class so fucking loud...
Dazai returns to his senses as Ranpo pokes him. The teacher has been calling his name.
Dazai dutifully answers the question assigned to him and sits down. It is no big deal.
After what feels like...honestly Dazai lost track of time- the bell rings and everyone leaves their seats.
"Must be lunch time" Dazai thinks. Well, its not like he has any appetite. Even if he was hungry, he lacked the caring figure in his life to provide him any lunch for school.
Dazai was not a loner, its just that he wasn't exactly the type to initiate conversations much. Anyone who had talked to him has had to admit that Dazai is rather nice. Seemingly perfect even. Dazai performs well in sports, his tall slender figure adding to his agility. His intelligence is one-of-a-kind, his sharp reasoning skills being quite admirable. One might even say Dazai is the ideal student. Polite, smart, athletic, friendly- he has it all. But in reality, Dazai knew he was far from being perfect.
Dazai's gaze shifts towards the boy beside him, who is undoubtedly a new addition to their school, but is already surrounded by a couple of other students. Whatever. Its not like he's jealous of the attention provided to the new boy...
Dazai makes his way to the small bench near their school ground, and sits down with a book.
1984- George Orwell.
Despite being a fan of such dystopian tales, Dazai doesn't make any effort to read the book. He just stares at it while his brain jumbles up.
"AYY DAZAII!! WANNA SCORE A GOAL?" a random kid shouts from across the field, inviting him to come join their game. Dazai politely declines, claiming to be busy with his book.
So if he isn't a loner, where are his friends? Where are the kids his age whom he'd be comfortable with? Is it too much to ask for group of friends who would goof around, hang out together on weekends, anyone who would stay for Dazai? But its not like Dazai is hated, either.
Dazai's attention is drawn to the shouts coming from the fields. Looks like the new boy is good at sports- huh. He's already becoming popular. Good for him.
He feels his chest tighten as he gasps for air.
...
School gets over. The rest of the classes just pass by, Dazai not remembering what classes he attends.
Outside school, he notices a couple of students in front of an ice cream stall, gossiping. The sight makes his heart fill with jealousy.
He is back at his house. Its dark, with broken dishes and clothes littered everywhere. Everything is silent.
Dazai would rather be anywhere than his house right now. The events of last night were still fresh in his mind- his father came home late drunk, while his mother yelled at him, blaming him for ruining his health. His father then shouted back at her for controlling his life and it soon escalated to a physical fight as she threw a couple of dishes at him. The man shouted slurs at the top of his lungs and slammed his door shut, which has remained so till now. Not a very surprising sight. They should have been divorced long ago, but that plan failed because Dazai's mother is financially dependent on that man.
Dazai stands in front of his mirror, splashing some water on his face. God. The sight of his reflection repulses him. There is this certain wave of disgust which hits him as he catches a glimpse of his dejected face. The bandages covering his whole body starts to itch, the feel of them making him anxious and irritated. He needs to rip them open. Dazai gives in easily, exposing his pale sensitive and scarred skin. Dazai is aware enough to observe that he has relapsed. Things are getting bad again. He feels isolated, ugly, dirty, apathetic. He is tired of the depressed feeling which makes its way into Dazai's life every now and then. He cant remember the last time he had a proper sleep. Dazai has pretty much mastered the art of masking his emotions around people, but today he was too tired to care. Tomorrow, he reminds himself, he has to socialize in order to maintain his charming image.
Dazai chooses a shower over his rumbling stomach, trying to wash away his fatigue. The cold water falls as a light drizzle, his scars stinging with the contact, a part of Dazai believing he deserves that sting. Somehow he feels even dirtier after the shower. Maybe peeling his skin off would help. The sight of scars disturbs him more than he anticipated, so he hurriedly grabs a black hoodie laying on the bathroom floor and slips it on.
The fridge had some bread and tomatoes and left- over pizza bits from God knows how long. Disappointedly, Dazai grabs a slice of raw bread and starts chewing on it. Dazai hasn't eaten for five days. He cant take it anymore, the constant nausea and the feeling that his head is going to explode accompanied with the ever-growing hollow pit in his stomach. Dazai shoved the rest of the bread in his mouth, failing to overcome the guilt consuming him that repeats in his head 'you deserve to starve'. He feels weak , his legs trembling. Eyes start watering, he feels like he's been on the verge of tears for the past week. Dazai places a hand on his chest, panting for no apparent reason.
The only reason that has kept Dazai going till now is gaming. It sounds kind of silly, but Dazai has made a couple of online friends over the years. He has a rather elaborate gaming system, one gifted to him on his 14th bday by his father, back when family matters were much simpler.
His mother is in a separate room, unaware that her son came back home, maybe even ignorant of the fact that he stays under the same roof.
Dazai flings himself onto his gaming chair- one made of a sturdy material, black body with navy blue designs. His computer screen glows, revealing a cute picture of a couple of black cats, set as the desktop wallpaper. He puts on his navy blue headphones which are still in great condition, despite being over 2 years old.
'Sword Play' boosts open. Dazai clicks on the chat icon. Some random player sent him a friend request- tch.
`life_anddeath` had texted him, saying "care for a rematch?" Dazai hates that guy. They fought a 1v1 a few weeks ago, in which Dazai obviously won, but that annoying ass player won't leave him alone. He even went as far bribing him with legendary game items. Whatever, who cares. Dazai takes a moment to try and breathe better.
Unfortunately, his friend ARAHABAKi was still offline. Apparently he parents got divorced so he took a little time off his gaming. Dazai missed him. They had met on a public server almost a year ago, paired against each other. Something had sparked between the two gamers and, they had not stopped talking since. Dazai was still unsure of what to call this online guy- friend? Team mate? It was nice talking to him (though they barely ever talked about anything but the game), something he actually looked forward too. But deep inside, he was prepared to have his friend taken away from him by some cruel play of fate.
Dazai ponders over their last texts.
1week ago
blackCat67
the game is staring!! come online :(
blackCat67
whyd u ditch me again
ARAHABAKi
Sorry
My parents finally split up
ARAHABAKi
Im gonna need some time off
Its going to be boring without his teammate but Dazai joins a combat match anyways.