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Once upon a time there was a grand castle in the Scottish Highlands called Hogwarts. Within its stone walls, young witches and wizards learned how to yield magic.
One of these wizards was a boy named Tom Riddle.
So far in his young life, Tom had lived a tragic existence. Before he was born, his father went on a journey to the Kingdom of Dairy to trade for milk and had never returned. His mother, a pitiful woman, died in childbirth, leaving Tom to grow up in an orphanage.
Tom had no friends at the orphanage and was only allowed to eat one bowl of cold gruel a day. He wasn't even given a spoon. He had to lick it up like a dog. Each night, he was forced to wear a suit covered in jingle bells and dance for the cruel Matron’s amusement. But Tom survived all this torment because deep down inside of him, he knew he was special.
One day, a fabulous fairy named Dumbledore descended upon the dreary orphanage in a cloud of glitter.
“Hey girly pop,” he decreed, “You're a wizard, baby.”
Tom was so happy that he began to sing. At the beautiful tone of his voice, all his snake friends came slithering forward and climbed up his arms.
“Would it be alright if my friends came to Hogwarts with me?” Tom asked.
“Sure thing, diva,” Dumbledore replied.
But unfortunately, Hogwarts was not the sanctuary Tom thought it would be. To his fellow students, he was something called a mudblood. He was sorted into Slytherin house where everyone hated mudbloods most.
Tom had dazzling good looks. His hair was shiny and dark. He had large luminous eyes. His skin was pale and soft. His ugly inbred housemates were jealous of him.
The first time Tom used floo powder, he accidentally got soot on his robes. From that moment on, he was no longer called by his name. They called him Sooty Tommy. To keep his beautiful appearance hidden, each morning his housemates poured a bucket of soot on his head so he always looked like a dirty chimney sweep.
It made Tom deeply sad, but the song in his heart remained. His snake friends Hissy, Sissy, and Funky Fresh Greg also kept him from being too lonely.
As Tom was so smart and talented, his housemates forced him to do all their homework while they played sports. Tom also had to clean their dormitory every day. Most nights, he did not sleep until the early hours of the morning. Then after barely any time to slumber, he rose again to live a life of servitude.
Once, he asked Dumbledore for help. Dumbledore had some major drama going on with his ex-situationship and was collecting receipts to cancel him on twitter, so he was too busy to intervene.
“You need to take a shower, Mary,” Dumbledore told him. “You're serving Chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cheree in a bad way.”
One morning, breakfast was interrupted by grand trumpeting. Tom stopped eating his gruel and lifted his head in anticipation.
“Hear ye, hear ye,” said the herald. “A Grand Ball is to be held this evening! In attendance will be Harry Potter, the Prince of Gyffindor. All eligible seventh year students must attend so the Prince can choose a spouse!”
Excited murmuring broke out through the hall. Prince Harry was dashing, handsome, and pure of heart. Everyone wanted a piece of that. Tom couldn't believe that he would be able to attend such an important event. He wondered if, just maybe, he would be able to charm the Prince.
Noticing the stars dancing in Tom’s eyes, Abraxas Malfoy scoffed.
“You cannot attend the ball, Sooty Tommy,” he said haughtily. “You would bring embarrassment to our entire house.”
“But Heir Malfoy,” Tom pleaded, “the herald said all students of age had to attend.”
“He didn't mean you, Sooty Tommy,” Orion Black said. “You aren't even really a student. You're just our sooty servant.”
“Oh, but I wish to go so terribly,” Tom said. “Please, good sirs, is there a way I may attend?”
Abraxas hummed in consideration. “If you can clean yourself of all the filth upon your body, find suitable attire, and clean our dormitory to our satisfaction, you may come with us to the ball tonight.”
Tom's heart sang with joy. “Oh thank you! I will not let you down!”
As he raced to complete his tasks, his housemates giggled and guffawed treacherously. They knew that Tom had nothing good enough to wear to the ball and even if he did everything they asked of him, they would still find an excuse to keep him from going.
In the dorms, Tom scrubbed the floors and talked to Hissy, Sissy, and Funky Fresh Greg.
“We issss sssssso happy for youssss,” Sissy hissed.
“Yesssss yesss,” Funky Fresh Greg added. “Youses will sssssurely be the one chosen to marry the prince!”
Tom pressed his arm to his forehead and sighed. “Oh, but it is all so uncertain,” he sighed. “I have nothing to wear and no money or time to acquire anything.”
“Wesss will helpsss,” Hissy said. “Wessss sssshall make the robesssss for yousss!”
Tom arched a soot-caked brow. “How will you go about doing that? You are snakes. You have no tailoring skills nor arms which to tailor with!”
“We issss magic sssssnakesss,” Hissy said. “Duh.”
“That makes sense,” Tom said.
His snakes slithered off to embark on their mission. Meanwhile Tom cleaned and cleaned until everything sparkled. Soon, he was done, with plenty of time to spare.
“Wow,” Abraxas said. “You did a nice job cleaning, I must admit.”
“But you still look like a poor trollop,” Orion said. “You certainly aren't fit to attend the ball.”
“I still have time to clean up and get dressed,” Tom said.
“Oops,” Orion said, looking down into the fireplace. “I've dropped all my gobstones into the cinders. Sooty Tommy, won't you be a dear and fetch them for me. I simply cannot attend the ball without them.”
“Yes, Heir Black,” Tom said, hanging his head low.
Orion and Abraxas laughed and dapped each other up. Then they skipped away to style their hair and put on their fancy dress robes that had an illusion charm woven in to give them massive bubble butts.
Tom looked into the cinders and tried very hard not to cry. Orion had the largest gobstones collection at Hogwarts. Tom would never pick them all out in time to make it to the ball.
At the sound of Tom’s sniffles, Funky Fresh Greg appeared. “What’ssss wrong?” he asked.
Tom explained the situation to him. “I guess it's all hopeless.”
Notsss to worry,” Funky Fresh Greg said. “I sssshall ssssswallow them all and ssssspit them out very fasssst.”
“You can do that?” Tom asked, eyes dancing with wonder.
“Of courssse,” his serpent pal replied.
And then he proceeded to do just that. After only a few minutes, the entire pile of gobstones were laid in front of Tom.
“They look a bit odd,” Tom said.
“Oh,” Funky Fresh Greg said. “My ssssstomach acid. I am sssssso sssssorry.”
“It’s alright,” Tom said, patting his scales. “I doubt Orion will even notice.”
Finally, Hissy and Sissy returned.
“We hasssss your outfit!” Sissy said.
Tom looked at what they brought and frowned. “You made me robes out of rats?”
“Yesss yesss,” Hissy said. “Very fassssshionable.”
Tom tried to smile, even though his heart was breaking. He didn't want to upset his friends after they did so much to help him, but there was no way he could wear robes made from rat carcasses to the ball. Snake fashion and human fashion just didn't mesh.
Orion and Abraxas returned, big booties bouncing behind them.
“What ho!” Abraxas cried. “It seems Sooty Tommy is still dressed in his rags and covered in soot!”
“And what has happened here?” Orion said, looking down at his gobstones. “You fucked up my gobstones. Shame on you!”
“Failure!” Abraxas shrieked.
Orion kicked the pile of gobstones, sending them flying. “No ball for you!”
Tom knelt down and wept as Orion and Abraxas linked arms and pranced away.
“Sssso sssssorry,” his snake friends said, climbing up his body to lick away his tears.
“I feel so hopeless,” Tom lamented. “I need to speak with my mother.”
Deep in the forbidden forest, there was a clearing that contained a large tree. There were knots on the trunk that looked like eyes and a hollow in the center that looked like a mouth. Moss hung from the branches like tangled hair. The tree looked a bit like a very ugly lady. As the matron always told Tom that his mother was a total minger, he imagined the tree must look like her.
He called the tree Mama Tree and visited her sometimes to share his woes.
Tom stood before Mama Tree, the tracks of his tears falling down his sooty cheeks. “Oh, my life is wretched! I’m not sure I can go on!”
“Oh, shut your slut mouth,” a voice said tartly.
“Mama Tree?” Tom whispered.
“Yes, it is my spirit in this tree. You have cried so much into my soil, that your sorrow has given me life,” Mama Tree replied. “And I have to say it: I think you're a whiny little bitch. You think you have it bad? Girl please. You should hear about my childhood. Now that's what I call wretched.”
As Tom listened attentively, Mama Tree told him her devastating life story. The details she revealed were horrible and the unspoken implications made Tom so sick to his tummy he was afraid he might toss his gruelies.
(Sometimes when Tom wanted a little treat, he would save a dollop of his gruel and allow it to harden in the sun. It was like a cookie, if cookies were grey and tasted like sludge. Tom called them gruelies.)
“I'm so sorry, Mama Tree,” Tom said. “I will be more grateful.”
“That's a good lad,” Mama Tree said. “Now that you have heard my tale of woe, I must reveal a secret to you. The truth is, you are not a mudblood. You are the long lost Prince of Slytherin. Your soul is fated to be with the Prince of Gryffindor, so you must attend tonight’s ball.”
“Wow, that's amazing!” Tom exclaimed. “But Mama Tree, I'm dirty and have nothing but rat robes to wear.”
“I have enough magic in my roots to help you, my child,” Mama Tree said. “Put on your rat robes and close your eyes.”
Tom did as directed. He felt a whoosh of magic descend over him, making his skin tingle.
“Now open your eyes.”
When he did, he saw that his rat robes had transformed into elegant emerald robes. He looked down at his arm and saw no traces of soot. He felt cleaner than he had ever been.
“Reach into my hollow,” Mama Tree directed.
Inside the hollow, Tom found four beautiful treasures: a ring, a silver locket, a jeweled diadem, and a golden cup.
“If anyone tries to take these from me, I will fuck their guts into ground beef,” he solemnly declared.
“The locket and ring are Slytherin heirlooms,” Mama Tree explained. “The other two things are just shiny things I thought you would like.”
Indeed, Tom liked them. He liked them a lot.
“But wait,” Mama Tree said before Tom could rush off to the ball. “You cannot stay at the ball past the stroke of midnight. At that time, the magic I placed on you will fade away.”
“K thanks byeeeee,” Tom said.
When Tom strode into the Great Hall, every eye immediately fell upon him. A chorus of gasps echoed through the room and more than one student swooned.
As he had been covered in soot for so long, nobody recognized Tom when he was clean and well-dressed. Even Orion and Abraxas looked at him as if he was a beautiful stranger.
“Your name, sir?” the attendant at the door asked.
“Prince Tom of Slytherin,” Tom said.
“Presenting: Prince Tom of Slytherin!”
At the announcement, the gasps became even gaspier. Everyone was completely gooped and gagged by the appearance of the long lost Slytherin Prince.
Prince Harry was looking at Tom too, completely ignoring the gaggle of admirers surrounding him. Harry adjusted the crown resting on top of his gorgeous dark curls and moved to Tom, his long red cloak sweeping behind him.
“I am Prince Harry,” he said, leaning down to kiss Tom’s hand. “And I must say, you look splendid this evening.”
“You're looking pretty scrumptious yourself,” Tom flirted.
Harry laughed, cheeks growing rosy with mirth. “It is so refreshing to meet you, Prince Tom. I have spoken with so many suitors all evening long and all have been tremendously boring and annoying. So far, you are the only person I have spoken to who truly knows ball.”
“That is very kind of you to say, your highness,” Tom said.
While Tom had never attended an event such as this, his royal heritage made him know ball innately.
“You may call me Harry,” Harry said. “Would you care to join me on the dance floor?”
“I would be delighted to.”
Harry and Tom twirled around the dance floor, completely lost in one another. The rest of the world faded away, leaving only their beautiful and profound connection. Tom gazed deeply into Harry’s emerald eyes and knew that he was already deeply in love.
As they did the hustle and the electric slide, people continued trying to approach Harry and steal his attention. But Harry never acknowledged any of them, even when they fell upon the dance floor and wept great puddles of tears. As Harry and Tom pop, locked, and dropped it sensually, they had to be careful not to slip on the tears and fall.
After dancing for hours, Harry suggested they go out and get some air. They held hands and walked around the gardens, having very deep conversations that only true soulmates can have. Their connection was so unfathomable, the author of this retelling could not possibly put it into words.
Finally, overcome with love, Harry and Tom began to make out sloppy style as the very stars rejoiced above their heads.
“You're so fucking hot,” Harry said, licking the ridge of Tom’s ear.
Tom shuddered in pleasure and was considering doing something very inappropriate when suddenly the bells began to chime.
“Oh no!” Tom gasped.
It was midnight!
“I have to go,” he said, pulling away.
“Wait!” Harry said. “Don't go yet! You'll give me blue balls!”
“I must!” Tom cried, chest heaving with the agony of the moment.
As much as Harry loved him now, Tom was sure his opinion would change as soon as he saw Tom wearing rat robes and covered in soot.
“Farewell!” Tom called out as he began to run.
“I will find you!” Harry shouted after him. “I vow it!”
Miraculously, Tom made it back to his room just as the enchantment slipped away. He sighed, letting the rat robes slip off his shoulders and onto the floor.
He hated having to leave Harry behind. He was sure they would never see each other again. They simply belonged to different worlds. However, even if Tom was forced to live out the rest of his life as a filthy servant boy, he would still have joy in his heart all because of this enchanted evening.
The next morning as he ate his gruel, his housemates chattered about the ball.
“The decor was beautiful,” Orion said.
“Indeed,” Abraxas agreed. “And the canapes were divine.”
“Not as divine as the prince,” Orion laughed. “Now that's what I call a snack.”
“Pity you couldn't make it, Sooty Tom,” Abraxas said with an exaggerated pout. “I promise, when Prince Harry and I are wed, you can come along with me to the palace and be my servant there.”
“I am sure Prince Harry has plenty of servants already,” Orion said. “He wouldn't want Sooty Tom.”
“Well then, you can come along with me so I can throw tomatoes at you to amuse myself,” Abraxas said.
Everyone laughed in cruel amusement but Tom did not feel the sting of their insults. He knew the truth, that Prince Harry had chosen him above all the rest to spend his time with.
Suddenly, the trumpets sounded again. The doors of the Great Hall opened, revealing Prince Harry wearing a thunderous expression. He stalked to the front of the hall and addressed everyone.
“I shall not be leaving this place until I find the beguiling gentleman that spent last evening in my arms,” he declared. “I must have Prince Slytherin to wed!”
Tom wrung his hands in his lap. He was wearing his rags and had been freshly sooted. Harry would never recognize him in this state and if Tom came forward, he doubted that Harry would believe him.
“Everyone stand so I can examine you,” Harry said.
Tom obeyed with the rest of the students, but stood a little behind everyone else so he wouldn't be noticed.
Slowly, Harry worked his way through the throng of suitors, expression becoming even more stormier with each passing moment. Eventually, he came to stand in front of Tom and the rest of his housemates.
“Darling!” Abraxas said, stepping forward with his arms outstretched. “It is me, Prince Slytherin! Don't you recognize me?”
Harry snarled. “Do not lie to me! You are not my beloved! You are far too blond and pointy! Begone with you!”
Abraxas stepped back, ashamed.
“Here I am!” Orion said. “The true Prince Slytherin!”
“No way,” Harry said. “You’re actually pretty fit, but you have rancid vibes. There's no way you're Prince Slytherin. Kick rocks!”
Then Harry’s gaze drifted to Tom. “You there,” he said gently. “Come into the light.”
“That's just Sooty Tommy,” Abraxas protested. “He's only a dirty mudblood orphan.”
“Yeah, don't waste your time with him,” Orion said.
“I am the Prince,” Harry said, standing tall. “I will decide if he is a waste of my time or not.”
Timidly, Tom stepped forward. Harry’s eyes widened and a brilliant smile stretched across his face.
“It's you,” he breathed. “I found you!”
“But how could you know that it’s me?” Tom asked. “I look completely different like this!”
“I mean, not really?” Harry said, tilting his head. “You're just wearing rags and have some ashes on your face. You're still recognizable.”
With a wave of his wand, Harry cleaned the soot away from Tom and turned his rags into fine robes.
At the dramatic shift, Orion and Abraxas began to hoot with rage and envy.
“It's not true!” Abraxas sobbed. “He can't be Prince Slytherin!”
“But I am,” Tom said with a charming smile. “My heritage was simply hidden from me.”
“Oh shit,” Dumbledore said, glancing up from his IPad. “I knew I forgot to tell you something important. My bad.”
Harry stepped forward and caressed Tom’s cheek. “Finally, we can go to my castle and be wed. Do you want that?”
“Oh yes!” Tom said. “More than anything in this world!”
“Wonderful,” Harry said. “And as a wedding present, you may have anything from me that you wish.”
“Anything?” Tom whispered, awed.
“Yes, my darling. Anything.”
Tom looked around at everyone in the room, heart beating fast. There were so many things he had never been allowed to have—proper food, a warm bed, basic kindness. Yet, now that he was with Harry, what more could he ask for?
“I want to execute everyone who was ever mean to me,” Tom said.
Harry blinked. “Er, is that really what you want?”
“Yep,” Tom said with a curt nod. “I want that. I want to feed them all to a really big snake.”
Harry shrugged. “Well, alright then. Anything for you!”
And they both lived happily ever after.
The End