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Haewon always ran hot. She needed the air conditioning temperature dialed down as far as possible. Lily ran cold. She couldn’t stand anything lower than twenty degrees for sleep. That was a big reason they didn’t share a hotel room often on tour — Lily would end up shivering with the sniffles and Haewon would be shirt off, on the floor or tossing and kicking at covers.
It was odd when neither of them woke up in the middle of the night to cool off or adjust the air conditioning. Lily woke with her head on Haewon’s shoulder and her hands on Haewon’s waist. Haewon was nice and toasty. Haewon seemed to be shifting a little from so much body heat, but she hadn't woken. Nice.
Then Lily turned and accidentally elbowed Haewon in the stomach.
“Agh, unnie, why are you going for my liver?”
“I’m sorry!” Lily exclaimed. “I’m so sorry; it wasn't on purpose. I was just trying to stretch and-”
“Unnie, shh, I want to sleep in,” Haewon interrupted her gently, then used her own hand to massage where Lily’s elbow had drilled into her flesh.
“I’m sorry,” Lily whispered instead and frantically took over massaging Haewon’s abdomen. “Go back to sleep.”
“Did you wake up in the middle of the night?” Haewon asked, her eyes closing again.
“No,” Lily said. “I think we’re balancing out the temperatures in close proximity.”
“Very scientific,” Haewon said with the quirk of an eyebrow. “Then we can share a room. With cuddling.”
“That’s so weird.”
Haewon opened her eyes. “What?”
“Like intentionally cuddling, I mean,” Lily said.
“What’s the difference?”
“Imagine if I were done with showering and I climbed into bed and hugged you,” Lily said. “Like, that’s… whoa. You know?”
Haewon looked amused through her sleepiness; most of the fun of conversing with Lily was not the substance of the argument, but Lily’s reaction to it. “So that’s very different from this?”
Lily rolled her eyes as she kept on massaging Haewon’s waist. Haewon didn’t tell her she was causing more aches than relief.
“Yeah, it’d be like honey, come to bed,” Lily put on an affected tone and shuddered.
“What, I’m disgusting?”
“I didn’t say that!” Lily defended herself. “It’s just weird. We’re not like that!”
Lily had no clue she had just awakened the part of Haewon that was more interested in teasing and laughing than going back to sleep. In a flash, Haewon’s eyes were wide open and she had her forehead against Lily’s.
“Not like what?”
Lily immediately shrunk backwards, laughing and looking away.
“Ah, it’s so fun to tease you. I’m awake now. Wash up and go to breakfast?”
Haewon woke from her sleep with her head on Lily’s shoulder.
“Sorry, unnie. Didn’t realise I didn’t put the partition back up,” Haewon said.
Lily was reading with a spotlight in the otherwise dark insides of the airplane. She had been stroking Haewon’s hair, caught between that and keeping a hold of her book and page-flipping.
“It’s okay. You’re cute when you’re sleeping, Haewon-ah. Did you get decent rest?”
“It was okay,” Haewon said. “Were you reading all this while?”
“Mmhmm,” Lily said. “I’m at a lull in the book now, though. Maybe I’ll try to get some shut-eye.”
“Do you want my blanket?” Haewon asked, offering the covering on her legs, recognising it would be stuffy for her in a short while.
“I’m okay right now. Later if I’m cold I’ll take you up on the offer.”
“Okay,” Haewon rubbed Lily’s arm and didn’t move to put up the partition between their seats. “Sleep well, unnie.”
Lily put her bookmark in place and carefully stowed away her book in her bag, then let out a yawn. It reminded Haewon of kids, who simply slept when they were tired and didn’t think to cover their mouths when they yawned. Haewon patted her unnie on the head gently and found it peaceful to go about rearranging her hastily packed carry-on bag with Lily slowly reaching dreamland beside her.
Haewon opened her room door on the eve of a rest day to find Lily sheepishly holding a pillow.
“I was bringing a jug of water into my room and I spilled it all over the bed,” Lily confessed.
“Sleep on the couch, then?”
“Haewon-ah, I’m hurt.”
“Come inside,” Haewon said, a smile spreading across her face. “You want to sleep here?”
“It’ll take a few hours for the bed to dry — I have the fan on. Do you mind if I just hang out here for a while? I know you like to have quiet time at night.”
“It’s okay,” Haewon said, having weighed those things prior to letting Lily inside. “If you want to sleep here you can. I’ll try to sleep early too.”
“It’s midnight,” Lily said. “What do you mean ‘early?’”
“If you want to hang out in my room you need to nag less,” Haewon teased and lay back down on her bed, making room for Lily. “Okay, hug time.”
“Hmm?!”
“You’ll get cold eventually-”
“I’m already cold, actually.”
“-so we should hug each other and go to sleep.”
Lily scratched the back of her neck. “I don’t hug anything to sleep usually.”
“Anything?”
“Ah- I mean-”
“You have to make it up to me.”
Lily took a big breath and approached the bed, then shimmied beneath the wool blanket and put one stiff arm around Haewon.
“Now I know what it’s like to sleep hugging a wooden oar,” Haewon muttered.
Lily adjusted her position a little. “You weren’t even going to sleep yet, right?”
Haewon shrugged. “I was going to watch some shows.”
“You can do that. Don’t mind me. I’ll just lie down for a bit.”
Haewon let Lily lie on her shoulder while she mounted her phone on a stand and carried on with the reality show she’d been binge-watching. Eventually Lily started to ask questions about the show, and it was Haewon’s task to take her through the show and why people liked this stuff so much.
“Oh, that’s really cool,” Lily commented when Haewon explained how one of the dating show participants was bisexual and how it’d gone on air as a narrative. “Representation.”
Haewon echoed her just to do it. “Representation.”
“I wish it’d happen more often!” Lily grumbled passionately.
“Mmhmm.”
“You sound resigned.”
“It’s like that.”
“It doesn’t always have to be like this,” Lily contended.
“I mean, it’s easier. Not to go in public with this sort of thing. Lots of people are having these relationships. It’s just easier out of sight.”
“But wouldn’t you want to — say you were in that position — not have to hide? Like, maybe not go on a TV programme, but just- even if you did go on a TV programme! Wouldn’t you want to not have to be careful with your words?”
“Unnie, our job also requires us to be careful with our words-”
“But what if you were in love,” Lily sat up on the bed and quite nearly hit her head on the mounted phone. “Imagine you weren’t chasing a career goal and you were in love.”
Haewon blinked, still lying down. She was married to her career.
“I’d rather have an easy life,” Haewon said. “It’s probably hard enough to date someone of the same sex. I’m not invested in the cause enough. What if I just want an easy life with my partner?”
“I guess I could see things that way too…” Lily said, always one to try another perspective out.
Haewon sat up too and drew her face close to Lily’s.
“Sorry I’m selfish, but I don’t care that much about solving a big societal problem,” Haewon said, gaze locked with Lily’s. “Why would I go about and do all that heavy lifting? I have a partner to invest my time in.”
Lily stared back for a while. “I guess that could make sense. But- hmm… but… But you’re not selfish, Haewon-ah.”
“Hmm? Thank you, unnie,” Haewon said, but her tone was only conversational.
“You’re not a selfish person.”
Haewon hummed and shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know yet.”
Lily lay back down. “I suppose it’s all fair. It’s fine if you want to protect yourself and your partner.”
“Would that be what you’d do?” Haewon asked.
“I don’t know either,” Lily said, looking up at Haewon. “You’re right — it’s a lot harder to do than say.”
Haewon lay down and brushed hair out of Lily’s eyes. “Mm. There’s way too much out there to take up our attention; we’d never have time for ourselves. Generally speaking.”
Lily shut her eyes. “It’s hard.”
“You didn’t put treatment on your hair again, right? It’s dry.”
“Speak for yourself…” Lily muttered.
“My hair is black now.”
“Yeah, dyed black.”
“Never mind, let’s go to sleep.”
“Agreed! But remind me to put the treatment on tomorrow. I really have to.”
It felt like every other day they were at the airport, even when they weren’t touring. Lily had the sniffles and a fever, which was abnormal for her spritely and usually well-kept self, which meant that her face was puffy and her eyes were red, and Haewon took it upon herself to be a pole Lily could wrap herself around.
“I took two aspirins already,” Lily mumbled. “I want this to be over already! I can’t even focus when I’m reading.”
“You need to not do anything,” Haewon said and massaged Lily’s temples; Lily’s hair was looking reasonably healthy, probably from Lily’s attention to the hair treatments regardless of her sniffly state. “Try to sleep while we’re on the plane. Drink a lot of water.”
“It’d be more convincing if you didn’t say that with a venti-sized iced Americano in your hand,” Lily joked.
“It’s still a form of hydration,” Haewon said half-heartedly. “Poor unnie.”
And then without thought, Haewon pressed her mouth briefly against the crown of her unnie’s head. Lily didn’t flinch or respond, and Haewon’s heart and mind quickly got over their initial pause. Lily smelled nice. Her hands wanted to caress, and so they did, and all of it felt like an obligation her body had designed such that she felt no resistance to it.
Haewon followed Lily to the plane seats without care for the specific seat numbers.
“I feel so useless. Thanks for taking care of me.”
“No problem.”
Haewon checked her blankets and temperature for the three hours they were on board and made sure the attendants didn’t wake her from her furrowed brow rest.
Before landing announcements could be made, Lily opened her eyes and Haewon turned away from her phone screen briefly to see Lily give her a sheepish smile that was at least some sign she had slept well.
Responding to yet another one of those natural impulses that went unquestioned, Haewon lifted Lily’s hand from the armrest and rubbed her thumb over the cold digits there. Then she lightly kissed the back of her hand and returned easily to the scheduling stuff she’d been doing on her phone prior.
“Unnie!” Haewon called from the hotel bathroom. “Unnie! Lily unnie!”
When that all failed, Haewon found her phone on the sink counter and gave Lily a call.
“Haewon?”
“Sorry, I need a bath towel. Forgot to take one in.”
“Okay! Sorry, I was reading and listening to music; I didn’t hear, if you called me.”
“It’s okay, unnie. Thank you.”
Haewon opened the bathroom door upon hearing the knock and she received the towel with a wet head of hair.
“Robe, too,” Lily handed her another fluffy white pile.
Haewon emerged a few minutes later with her hair in a towel and comfortably in her bathrobe. Lily was lounging on her own twin bed, still reading. She’d stopped listening to music, her reading activities instead accompanied by the sound of post-shower administration. The sound, that was, of Haewon wringing her hair dry and blowing it.
“Kyujin and Jinsol are going to go somewhere to shop tonight,” Haewon remarked. “Do you want to go?”
“Where to?”
“I think Donki.”
“That’ll be fun.”
“Mmhmm.”
“Are you going?”
“I was going to see who was going first.”
“Shall we go?” Lily asked.
Haewon nodded easily. “Sure.”
Finally satisfied with the somewhat-dry state of her hair, Haewon got to fetching clothing from her suitcase, which stayed shut when she wasn’t using it.
“You look so cute, Haewon-ah.”
Haewon looked up, puzzled, amused, and embarrassed all at once.
“Your limp, damp hair,” Lily tried to explain. “Baby trainee Haewon. I love your natural side.”
Haewon had done a lot to look the part of an idol, the most conscious of all of them, in the pre-debut years, of how an idol should look. At this point they had a professional team to handle this stuff, and she had let loose a lot more. And Lily, and some comments she saw from time to time, liked it when she had her glasses on and hair up, but Lily even liked it when she was fully makeup-free and looked like the highschooler who might not make the idol agency cut.
“Only unnie likes this,” Haewon said in response.
“I have good taste,” Lily said. “This is my Haewon. Just a kid.”
“Unnie,” Haewon mock-protested, “you’re embarrassing me.”
After a brief disappearance to get into comfortable clothing, Haewon returned to find Lily on the bed with her arms held out for a hug.
“Huh?” Haewon murmured but walked over and embraced Lily.
“I’m so glad we’re together,” Lily said with small contented noises.
“Mm, me too.”
“I really mean it.”
“I know,” Haewon said, sliding onto the bed for comfort. “If you weren’t here I might be dead. On the inside, too.”
Lily smiled at the humour, eyes shut, and this time Haewon had to pause and hesitate before following her instincts. They were instincts that guided her to rest her cheek against Lily’s forehead and then lightly kiss Lily’s brow. Lily’s arms just tightened around her.
“Oh, wow, look at that,” Lily pointed, then raised her phone to get a photo.
“Do you want to recreate that?” Haewon asked.
They were done earlier than the others at Donki — they’d even gone and gotten photo strips earlier — and were now waiting outside on street level, apparently next to a bookstore with a massive wall-spanning poster for some manga where one female lead in a maid outfit cupped the cheeks of another female lead, this one dressed in European noble refinery. In small cartoon-ish sketches in the background, the main pair were depicted giving each other kisses.
Lily leaned in jokingly and Haewon did too. Haewon angled Lily’s phone so they could get a photo of themselves.
“I wonder if it’d be nice to read one of those mangas,” Lily remarked.
“Romance mangas?”
“Yeah. I mean, they’re probably cheesy like the dating programmes, but I think I’d find them novel.”
“I read manga when I was in school. Because they limited my TV time. There’s a lot of this stuff-”
Haewon demonstrated a kabedon. Lily gasped dramatically, and Haewon was reminded of why hanging around with her unnie was so fun. Haewon pushed closer till their noses almost touched and burst into laughter as they broke apart.
Later in the hotel room, when they both fumbled for the card to turn on the lights, they tripped over each other and Haewon caught Lily as they steadied themselves against a slatted closet door.
“Unnie,” said as they stayed bodies pressed against the wardrobe. “Can I…?”
“Hmm?”
Haewon felt her fingertip’s way to Lily’s jaw and chin. She shrugged to herself as she did it — brought her fingertip to her own lips and then to Lily’s. Even in the dark, with their shoes half off and their legs a little tangled, Lily registered what she’d done, and closed her eyes, listening to nothing but a nonverbal voice reverberating through her body.
“I’m fucking nervous now,” Haewon muttered, a little laugh beneath her breath, and then she focused with all the ambition and willpower she had and kissed Lily softly, carefully.
Lily’s lips were pillowy. Lily was slow. Not exactly pliant, but she followed Haewon’s lead. Haewon drank deeply of the wine proffered to her, liquid courage of the dark surroundings allowing her to slip her hand behind Lily’s neck and put her fingers in her hair.
This had always felt like it was at the edge of possibility, just peeking behind a slit in the fabric of reality, visible from certain angles. And now it had tumbled squarely into the lap of reality.
“Haewon-ah, here,” Lily said, and guided Haewon to grasp her hip. “Mm.”
Haewon was good at listening to instructions and executing.
“This is okay for unnie?”
“Really good,” Lily said honestly and nearly laughed at herself and from the nerves.
“Pretty. You’re so pretty,” Haewon murmured with their mouths a millimetre apart.
“We’re in darkness.”
“I can feel you. I know you. With my eyes shut, I know you. I’m on fire for you.”
“Whoa,” Lily whispered and brushed her nose against Haewon’s. “I feel the same.”
“I do,” Lily emphasised when there was a beat of silence. “I’ve always wanted to feel love. And it makes sense if it’s with you.”
Haewon stroked Lily’s head, from the crown to her neck. “I’m honoured.”
“Oh my God, what are we going to do with the lights on?”
“Wash up and sleep, hopefully,” Haewon laughed at the slight panic in Lily’s voice. “We do need to find the card, though. Why do they use a separate one from the room key…”
“Oh, oh,” Lily said as she lightly touched Haewon’s hip and then ass.
“No that’s the Donki membership card-” Haewon began, but Lily fished it out and stuck it in the wall slot, and the lights flashed on, and everything, including their unpacked luggage was drenched in bright light.
“Ah, we have to pack, too,” Lily remarked. “Well, so that was that.”
“I’ll kiss you again later, unnie.”
“Huh?” Lily tripped over her own feet, flustered, as Haewon stepped out of the corner, not forgetting to steady the shaky person in front of her.
“It’s okay now, right?” Haewon asked with a courageously blank, honest look; she just needed to make sure things were as she perceived them.
“Ah, oh, yeah!” Lily said. “Yeah! I mean, if you ask! Uh, yes. Sure. Later we can kiss.”
“Ah, unnie, you’re so funny,” Haewon said. “I’m going to wash up first. I’ll be quick.”
“Right,” Lily said. “You kiss well, by the way!”
“Thanks!” Haewon said as she grabbed a towel off a rack and headed into the bathroom. “Unnie is not bad either.”
“Nice!” Lily cheered for herself quietly after the bathroom door locked.
They took it slow — just lying beside each other for the evening, talking, showing each other stuff they’d read and watched, and then Lily kissed Haewon on her brow before they turned off the lights, for now retiring to their own beds.
“I like this so much, Haewon-ah.”
“Me too.”
“I’ll be good. To you.”
“You already are.”
“I’ll be even better.”
“Mm. Me too.”
“Love you.”
“I know. Me too.”