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Ever since he was little Lukas dreaded his 18th birthday. The idea of some girl’s name appearing on his wrist and bounding them for life was more than a little scary to him.
His mom tried to explain, comfort him by telling him his soulmate would be the best person for him, that he’d want to be with them soulmate or not. At first, Lukas believed, but then he was his parents fighting, his mom crying in the bathroom, sometimes even spending the night in Lukas’ room but refusing to leave because his mom and dad were ‘soulmates’. To his mom that meant they had to stick together no matter what.
After she died, an early heart attack most likely caused by the stress in her life, Lukas decided soulmates were nothing more than some fairy-tale adults told themselves to make them feel better about their miserable lives.
His dad did nothing to quash those beliefs. He grieved, of course he did, but he mostly regretted. He’d drink and tell Lukas stories of when he and his mom first met, how wonderful it was, and how quickly it became mundane and irritating. He’d tell Lukas to never look for his soulmate, to simply find a nice girl who wants to settle down and have a couple of kids and ignore the name on his wrist as it never does any good. Lukas, young and impressionable, listened intensely and held onto those words.
When Lukas started dating Rose he knew right away she wasn’t his soulmate. She was nice and smart and sometimes even funny, but she lacked the so-called spark. She wasn’t everything he was looking for and wanted in a girl, mostly because Lukas had no idea what he actually wanted. Rose was plain and rebellious enough to share his opinion on soulmates, so Lukas dated her and ignored his fast approaching 18th birthday.
The first time Lukas met Philip was as normal as meeting anyone else. No sparks flew around them, his heart didn’t skip a beat, the earth didn’t stop nor did the sun explode with red fireworks in the shape of a heart. They simply bumped into each other in the bathroom, Philip introduced himself and said he was new which Lukas already worked out for himself; he knew every single person in school. The benefits of living in a small town.
Lukas’ friends didn’t like Philip, the new city kid, so they never hung out. At least, not in public. What started off as an awkward encounter in the woods turned into a fragile friendship and a mutually benefiting relationship; Philip would record his stunts and Lukas would take him on exciting rides that always left Philip looking flushed and grinning from ear to ear. Lukas quickly took to liking him, although they never talked much, especially not about themselves, Philip was good company and always laughed at his jokes.
Their first kiss was a hurried peck on the lips with too much force and confusion on Lukas’ part. Their second kiss, however, was probably the best kiss Lukas has ever had. It was slow and sweet and Philip’s lips felt softer than Lukas could have imagined. It left him breathless. He gently cradled Philip’s face, looking from his lips to his eyes and back to his lips again in an amazed daze. As he was leaning in for more, it accrued to him that Philip could be his soulmate, but then Philip leaned in and their lips met and Philip stopped thinking.
With their shirts off and Philip lying down under him, Lukas felt a thrill going through him unlike anything he felt before. It was somewhere between the rush of adrenaline while doing a risky jump and sneaking into his dad’s bedroom while he’s out on the farm to look at the hidden pictures of his mom. Their naked skin touched and Philip’s hand tangled itself in his hair while Lukas rocked his hips against Philip while exchanging heated, open-mouthed kisses.
If it wasn’t for the soon-to-be-dead criminals interrupting them, Lukas would have probably come in his pants from the friction and the feel of Philip’s arm strongly around him and his rugged breath on his neck.
The murders happened in a blink of an eye. One moment Lukas was hiding from four man, and the next only one stood before three lifeless bodies. Philip made a noise. In the deadly silence Lukas could almost make out the fast beat of his heart from under the bed. The man could too, it seemed, he walked over to the bed, threw off the blanket, and pointed his gun straight at Philip.
Lukas moved on instinct. He grabbed the first thing he could, which happened to be a frying pan, and hit with everything he had in him. He didn’t need to pull Philip out from under the bed but he did so anyway, the need to touch him was almost overwhelming. When they were speeding away Philip held onto him tighter than usual, Lukas found himself glad for it; the warm presence behind him was the only thing grounding him enough to think about where he was going.
After that, Philip became something more to Lukas. He was bittersweet. Philip offered him something Lukas never knew he wanted before but he also brought with him shame and guilt and the swift sounds of bullets and the blood pooling at their feet. Philip pain and relief all at once. He was a lake of cool water, there to soothe his thirst but waiting to drown him at the same time.
Lukas tried to stay away, he tried to spend more time with Rose and remember all the things he liked about her but Philip was always there, popping up from behind the shadows with bad news and good news and then bad news again. Where Rose was a straight path through the desert, Philip was a muddy rode in the forest, scary and exciting.
When Lukas kissed Rose, he felt nothing. When he kissed Philip, a volcano would erupt in his chest and his hands would grab Philip and hang onto him like he was the only good thing left in this world.
Their lives continued after the murders and although they changed beyond measure, they both acted as if they hadn’t. Lukas still didn’t speak to Philip in school, he’d still ride his bike in his free time and help out on the farm as much as his dad wanted him to. Philip would still steal glances from his during a lesson they both shared, he’d still let himself be pulled in for a secret kiss, hidden away from the world, and he’d still push Lukas away and state his worth before walking away. They both continued living because that’s all they could do.
The nightmares didn’t matter, Lukas told himself. The nightmares and the visions and the memories, they all didn’t matter. The deep desire for Philip didn’t matter, the longing he felt certainly didn’t matter. He ignored the good and focused on his fear, he pushed Philip away before pulling him back in, he’d get pushed away before pulled back in.
Weeks and months went by and the storm of emotions contained in a small box at the back of Lukas’ mind went ignored. He acted the way he was supposed to act. He’d study, go out with Rose, ride his bike, help at the farm, and do his homework.
He met up with Philip and kissed him senseless, their bodies clinging onto one another in a desperation beyond their understanding.
Everything was going well, they had a routine, and everything was going to be fine. But then Philip ruined it. He walked up to Lukas one morning with a badly contained grin and pulled aside. While his friends snickered behind them Philip was talking, speaking in a rushed murmur, his eyes gleaming. Lukas wished he knew what Philip was saying, he wanted to know what brought on the happiness that shone brighter than the sky. But the snickers and laughs and taunting drone him out and Lukas pushed him away, ignoring the shocked and pain sound that slipped past Philip’s lips.
He tried to go back to the routine, to hanging out with Rose and his friends and ignoring Philip while he glanced at him. But he couldn’t because Philip ruined the routine. He no longer looked his way, he stopped coming over and never replied to Lukas’ texts. Lukas tried apologising but it got him nowhere. He eventually gave up.
The new routine didn’t work. It kept falling apart and there was nothing Lukas could do to fix it. He was so busy, so focused on the task, that he almost missed his 18th birthday. The dreaded day snuck up on him and hit him while he was down.
He woke up to the familiar sound of the morning alarm. His left hand shot out to silence it and then rubbed at his sleepy eyes. When he opened them, he was greeted with six letters inked into his pale skin, they stood proudly, woven together in a picture of the utmost beauty. But then Lukas actually woke up and the letters and their meaning settled into his brain, like a rush of cold water realisation fell down on him and he jumped out of the bed.
That day he wore a long-sleeved shirt and his left hand in the pocket of his jacket at all times. His dad asked, before he went to school. Lukas lied, said it was a name he didn’t recognise. His dad didn’t question further, just nodded and wished him a happy birthday. For the first time Lukas felt relieved to have a father so uninterested in him.
When he arrived to school Rose greeted him with a wet, sloppy kiss. She pulled at his sleeves and demanded to see the name. Lukas refused. She demanded again, more forcefully this time. Lukas refused again.
“It’s not you, okay?! It’s not you, so stop asking.”
Rose took a step back and Lukas thought he’d won. But then she grabbed his arm, twisted it painfully and shoved the sleeve up to his elbow.
The name stood proudly where Lukas last saw it. It didn’t waver, it didn’t fade away or blur into an unintelligible mess he half hoped it would.
Rose gasped and let go of his arm. He covered up his wrist and shoved his hands into his pockets. He tried to go but Rose blocked the way. Tears welled up in her eyes but she didn’t look sad, only angry and betrayed.
“You’re gay?!” She demanded, her shriek voice carried over the parking lot of the school.
Lukas stepped closer to her, “Keep your mouth shut,” he spat but his voice lacked conviction. It came out more like begging and Rose knew that, she heard it loud and clear. She glanced over his shoulder and Lukas knew what it was she saw. He knew it as she stepped back and looked back at him. He knew it as she took a deep breath in and opened her mouth.
He knew as she shouted, “I can’t believe you’re fucking gay, Lukas!”
The laughs and whispers from his friends were not a confirmation but more of a natural conclusion to their friendship. Lukas walked away without turning around, the laughs followed but at least he didn’t have to see their faces.
He managed to go to his first lesson. He hoped it wouldn’t be a huge deal while they were focusing on algebra problems. He hopes were crushed when he sat down and everyone turned away from him, some whispered between themselves, others spat insults at his back. A few threw paper balls at the back of his head, some landed on his desk and when he unrolled it one word was written on it clearly in a blue ink.
When the bell rang, he didn’t make his way to the next class, instead he ran to the rooftop. The cold wind bit his cheeks and ruffled his hair. Lukas sat on the pebbles and looked at the sky. The clouds offered no comfort, the birds flying overhead didn’t make him feel any better, but he kept staring having nothing better to do.
The sounds of footsteps alarmed him but he did nothing. When someone sat down next to him offering their warmth and comfort, Lukas didn’t need to see who it was.
“I heard you got outed.”
Lukas said nothing.
“I’m sorry,” said Philip and Lukas thought he meant it.
He turned and saw a blurry image of Philip. He wiped his eyes and tried again. Philip looked the same. Soft, brown hair framed his face with the warm, walnut-coloured eyes and full lips. Lukas didn’t have a way of describing him other than beautiful. He used to think that was wrong, Philip couldn’t possibly be beautiful, but now Lukas could no longer lie to himself. He missed Philip, missed him more than he thought he should and here he was, as beautiful as ever sitting close enough to touch.
“You got the name today?”
Lukas nodded. He drank in Philip’s features, committing them to his memory.
“Can I see?” Philip looked down at his hands and Lukas looked away. There would be no harm in showing it to Philip, he knew that much. But a small part of him insisted that as long as the name remains unknown to Philip it’s not actually real.
Philip sighed and rolled up his own left sleeve. Lukas saw a thick bracelet hiding away Philip’s wrist. Philip unclasped it and pulled it off and Lukas felt his heart stop.
There, on Philip’s soft skin, written in dark ink was Lukas’ name. It called to him, sang happily at finally being seen. Lukas reached out, tentatively, waited for Philip’s nod and traced the letters with his index finger, caressing them softly.
Philip touched his left wrist and Lukas turned it to him willingly. He pulled at the sleeve and revealed to Philip his name marked onto Lukas. Philip laughed, a short happy laugh that pulled at Lukas’ heart.
He longed to kiss him, again after going without it for what felt like centuries. He leaned in and saw Philip hesitate for a split second, but then his eyes flew back to their wrists and he closed the distance, pressing his mouth against Lukas’.
It was a slow, sweet kiss, not unlike their second one. They held onto each other as it they were the only sure thing left in this world. They were both scared, both lost and uncertain but now they also had each other.
Lukas made himself a promise, as his lips kissed Philip’s, that he would never let him go. He promised to take care of Philip, to cherish him like one should cherish their soulmate, to not turn into his dad but instead be more like his mom. He was willing to sacrifice his life for Philip, he knew that much already.
Their fingers intertwined and Lukas let himself hope for a happy ending, sometime into the future. With Philip next to him, a safe and warm presence in his life that grounds and guards him, that makes him feel all the good and bad things. He hoped for all that and he clanged to Philip and his heart started to beat again.