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It always gets chilly in the evening, but today's weather isn’t exactly warm to begin with.
A cold wind blows against his ears and nose, and without gloves, he’d freeze his fingers in no time. Anyone else would be rushing home from work as fast as they could, but not Inseong.
In weather like this, he sits on a swing at the playground and nervously fidgets with his fingers. But even though it's cold outside, he feels very hot.
His own rapid heartbeat rings in his ears. He sits there, simultaneously anticipating and dreading seeing a certain person. A shadow looming over him snaps him out of his thoughts.
Inseong looks up and sees those painfully familiar smiling eyes, followed immediately by that painfully familiar voice.
“Hey, have you been waiting long?” Youngbin asks, slightly out of breath. It seems he ran all the way here, but decided to slow down near the playground entrance so as not to embarrass Inseong. Inseong smiles slightly.
“No,” comes the quick lie, “not long.”
He keeps quiet about how he’d come here thirty minutes ago to think through every word he was going to say.
Youngbin smiled sweetly in reply, and Inseong’s heart skipped a beat. Just a few moments ago, it had been pounding so loudly he couldn’t hear anything around him, but now it had gone quiet, and he became aware of everything around him. About the person he had called here to finally pour out all the heaviest and sweetest things on his heart, to finally get an answer and begin to live calmly or start anew.
Youngbin walked toward the second swing to sit down, but he stopped, startled, when Inseong suddenly jumped to his feet. His face showed surprise at the older man’s actions. And Inseong felt awkward about his own behavior, so much so that his ears turned slightly red, but he would have said it was the evening chill if Youngbin asked him right now.
He didn’t want to stall any longer – no, if they started chatting casually while swinging, he’d lose all the confidence he’d been building up for weeks, and in the end, he’d just say goodbye and thank him for the good time they’d had together. Even so, that doesn’t change the fact that he’s stalling right now anyway, making the atmosphere around them very awkward.
Inseong sees Youngbin open his mouth to ask if he’s okay and decides to get ahead of it – no, he’s just afraid that if Youngbin starts talking first, he will succumb to his charm as always and say nothing.
"Youngbin-ah." Inseong swallows a lump of anxiety in his throat, his chest tightening painfully. "I want to tell you something."
As he tries to lighten the mood, he gives an awkward smile – which, judging by the leader’s even more worried expression, doesn’t go over very well, but that's precisely what finally makes him smile sincerely and smooth out a couple of tense wrinkles from the face across from him.
He sees Youngbin’s mouth begin to open again, most likely to simply agree – as if to say “Yes, Inseong, you can ask me a question” – but Inseong quickly raises his hand, asking him not to say anything. He’s afraid that if he hears his voice right now, he’ll break down. Besides, Youngbin, you can just nod your head at something like that. Why make an extra effort?
"I... I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and I’ve felt it for even longer." Inseong shook his head awkwardly, shifting his gaze from Youngbin’s shoulders to his face and eyes, which betrayed panic.
Do you really think we’re about to talk about terminating the contract, Youngbin? How absurd.
Youngbin's eyes betray his fear, while his face tries to remain calm. Even now, standing before Inseong is their leader, ready to protect and reassure him. Now he’ll start asking questions. Is everything okay? Having problems with your vocals? Need help with the choreography? Any issues with the staff? Are you feeling unwell?
“I love you.”
It bursts out of Inseong before his thoughts can catch up, causing them both to freeze, staring into each other’s eyes.
Shouldn’t “I like you” come before “I love you”? No, like is different. You can like many things, but there’s only one place for love.
He often says “I like you” to his members in front of the cameras and in everyday life – he likes them. But Youngbin – him, he loves. He loves him with that strong word, one filled with so many of his emotions. Love – it’s only for Youngbin.
A deafening silence snaps Inseong out of his thoughts, and he nervously focuses his gaze on the face across from him. To his surprise, he isn’t met with a return gaze, but rather one that avoids him. Youngbin, biting his lower lip slightly, looks away – nowhere near Inseong.
What’s going on? Why isn’t he responding?
Thoughts flood Inseong’s head, making him clench his hands into fists out of nervousness.
Look at me, Youngbin. Look at me. Look, please.
"Inseong, I..." Youngbin’s quiet voice pierces the silence. He slowly shifts his gaze, filled with regret and sadness, toward Inseong. "I can’t return your feelings."
Ah, how awful.
Inseong swallows hard and squints his eyes, letting the moment settle in his head. All this time, he’d been so preoccupied with figuring out how to confess that all his thoughts were filled with Youngbin, and he could think of nothing but him.
Every mistake he made during practice was because he couldn’t think of anything else except the leader in front of him and how he moved to the rhythm of the song, while Inseong himself missed a beat or two and ended up in the wrong position and in a completely different formation. Youngbin would explain it to him over and over, guiding his arms and legs in the right direction, and making his heart flutter.
Every dinner, when the spoon would miss his mouth because he’d been staring too intently at his leader – at his laughing eyes and slightly parted lips – and at that very moment the contents of the spoon would land on his T-shirt. He’d jump up from the table in a comical way, causing a wave of questioning glances and snickers, catching the gaze of only one person on himself. He’d assure everyone with a nod and a couple of jokes that everything was fine and the spoon had just decided to jump out of his hand on its own, and he would sit back down at the table. And while the others continued their conversations, under the table Inseong would feel a touch on his leg and instantly look up to see Youngbin’s worried face, silently asking if he was okay. To be honest, at that moment Inseong wanted to kiss all the worry off his face, but he could only nod and smile reassuringly.
Every night before bed, he presses the fabric of his pijamas where his heart beats so fiercely, hoping to calm it down, but instead, his mind is swept up in a whirlwind of thoughts about Youngbin, and butterflies flutter pleasantly in his stomach.
For a year, two years or ever since their very first day together, Inseong has been thinking about Youngbin. He didn’t used to think of it as anything serious, and the work was just starting to pick up steam, so he thought he just really liked Youngbin, just like everyone else did.
But with each passing year, that feeling didn’t go away – it only grew stronger, and Inseong found more and more excuses, until everything came to this point where now he falls asleep every night thinking about Youngbin. Inseong would sigh dreamily and bury his face deeper into the pillow, trying to drown out the nagging thoughts, but a smile would always spread across his face on its own and his cheeks turn pink.
"Inseong."
And suddenly everything fades, and he’s no longer alone in his room with his feelings, but standing in front of the object of his longing on the street on a cold evening. Aren’t you cold, Youngbin?
Ah, wait.
"No... you can't." Inseong comes to his senses and looks between Youngbin's eyebrows – he wants to see his face, but he's afraid of the clarity in those eyes.
A hand touches his forearm, and he flinches painfully. How strange – he never used to react like this before.
“Please forgive me, Inseong,” Youngbin strokes his hand and squeezes it gently, keeping Inseong from drifting off again. “You mean so much to me. You’re the most precious friend to me."
How painful that word sounded – a word that seems so ordinary to everyone. Friend.
A wave of panic washed over Inseong out of nowhere, and he began to feel a heaviness in his chest, as if there was no air left in his lungs, and his face flushed. Flushed with shame…
"Yes, you’re also very... very dear to me," Inseong stammers, continuing to look at the hand caressing his. He really wants to take it in his palm and bring it to his lips – to kiss each knuckle. "Can we remain dear... friends?"
Inseong bites his lip, not expecting this from himself. A shameful retreat, a quick solution to the problem where in the end everyone should be okay. Should be.
Youngbin’s hand disappears and Inseong automatically follows it with his eyes, finally meeting his companion’s gaze.
Ah, how awful.
Why does Youngbin’s face look so hurt? Damn, did he get rejected or something?
For the first time, Inseong is annoyed by his leader’s kindness. Even now, he’s taking everything upon himself, even though Inseong is partly to blame. He’s to blame for letting himself fall in love and then confess so boldly.
“So, can we?”
“I… Inseong, are you okay? I’m really sorry.”
What is he going on about... They’re not kids anymore – they are already over thirty. What's going to happen?
Is he going to shatter into tiny pieces that he’ll hopelessly try to put back together, while a huge hole forms in his heart that won’t give him any peace until who-knows-when? Yes.
Yes, but they are not kids anymore.
"No, it's fine. I expected this outcome, which is why I'm suggesting we stay friends. You don't mind, do you? I won't bother you, I promise."
Inseong gave a silly grin, raising his crossed fingers in a "pledge” of honesty.
He wants to go home.
Youngbin hesitates for a long time, weighing and analyzing all his thoughts. Of course he knows Inseong is boldly lying to him, but he can’t bring himself to object. He can’t think of a single way to end their meeting on a good note, other than what Inseong is suggesting. Youngbin sighs heavily and forces a smile.
“Of course I don’t mind. We…”
Youngbin froze, and the next, dreaded word “friends” wouldn’t come out. He closes his mouth and nods.
And Inseong felt a sharp pang in his chest. He felt like screaming.
Inseong had imagined this meeting would end with a sweet date. In such cold weather, they would have warmed each other by holding hands, and their faces wouldn’t have been cold – they would have been warm from the blush, but now Inseong was on the verge of turning into an ice statue. His hands aren't getting warm in his pockets, and his eyes are painfully stinging from the wetness.
Youngbin walks beside him – staying close, afraid to let him go alone. Inseong really wants to shout out that now is the best time for him to be alone, but he also doesn't want to lose Youngbin’s company. Why are you like this, Youngbin?
At the doorstep, Inseong shifts awkwardly from foot to foot. Usually they’d hug goodbye, but right now it feels very awkward for both of them.
Inseong raises his hand to wave goodbye, and in that moment, the childish thought flashes through his mind to ask Youngbin not to tell anyone about this.
The next moment, he’s already standing in his dark apartment, propping the front door with his body. His coat slips off him onto the floor, and he slowly makes his way to his bedroom. For the first time in several years, Inseong wishes he could go to sleep without thinking about anyone.
Sleepless nights and long late-night sessions on the cold balcony have led Inseong now wearing two layers more makeup than usual on his face in an attempt to hide his exhaustion. He has so much respect for their staff – what would he do without them?
Inseong sat in front of the mirror in the farthest dressing room, gathering his strength for the upcoming day. Of course, his behavior is very strange, but he manages to come up with new excuses every time.
The day before yesterday, he helped the staff with the song schedule, yesterday he was called to check the equipment, and today, the staff had to find him a new outfit from another wardrobe. Each time, Inseong would just sit there, studying himself intently in the mirror.
He listens to the footsteps and voices coming from the hallway and identifies his members from them. Somehow, his breath always catches when he hears a certain person’s voice.
They hadn’t drifted apart. No, not at all. In fact, the complete opposite had happened.
Youngbin had started watching over him like a little child – constantly asking about his activities, his meals, and his plans for the next day. That's just how he worries, but sometimes Inseong – especially when his gaze lingers too long on other’s lovely pink lips – forgets that he was actually rejected. Youngbin, you are such a cruel person.
He hears his name called from the hallway, puts on his earpiece, and steps out of the dressing room, following the source of the sound.
After the performance, Inseong steps off the stage and hears a ringing, painfully familiar laugh; his head instantly turns toward the sound, and he freezes.
Youngbin is standing nearby with Jaeyoon, who has his arm around Youngbin’s shoulders and is telling him something enthusiastically, making their leader laugh and blush. Blush.
Youngbin has never blushed around Inseong before, nor has he ever smiled so sweetly.
Ah, Jaeyoon.
Inseong isn’t angry with Jaeyoon and he couldn’t be anyway. He is his closest friend, and he means the world to him. Inseong likes Jaeyoon.
So now, as Youngbin sits so close to Jaeyoon at the table while he shows him something on his phone, Inseong isn’t angry at all; on the contrary, he’s actually grateful. Grateful to Jaeyoon for showing him this side of Youngbin.
The way Youngbin leans slightly against Jaeyoon's shoulder with a hint of embarrassment, his ears turning pink, and how his eyes dart excitedly from the phone screen to Jaeyoon’s face. Inseong can’t hold back the loving smile on his face, so he hides it behind his palm and looks away, still smiling. No, he isn’t angry at Jaeyoon. He simply can’t be.
Inseong’s head felt heavy. It swayed painfully from side to side, and he couldn’t keep it steady with his hands. He wanted to get some fresh air as soon as possible.
Inseong got up from the table, put on his coat, and silently left the agency building. It was too cold just to stand outside, so Inseong went for a short walk – his legs carried him forward along the sidewalk on their own. As soon as his heavy head felt the fresh air, it immediately became light and empty.
Without even realizing it, he found himself at that very same ill-fated playground. He sat down on the very same swing where he’d once sat for thirty minutes, gathering his strength to confess. Inseong smiled bitterly and pushed off from the ground with his feet, swinging. The cold wind stung his face, making his cheeks redden and his eyes water, but he had no desire to go back.
When the swing came to a stop, Inseong lowered his head, hiding it in his palms. His eyes began to sting uncomfortably, and he started rubbing them with his fingers harder and harder until he was grabbed by the wrists.
Inseong flinched and immediately lifted his head. Standing before him was an out of breath Youngbin.
"What's going on? Why are you out of breath? Did something happen at the company?"
Inseong immediately grew serious at the sight of the leader's worried expression. Could something serious have happened while he was gone?
Youngbin just lets out a heavy sigh in front of him, which made Inseong even more anxious.
“Is everything okay? Do I need to rush back? Did something happen to the members–”
“No. Stop it,” Youngbin interrupted irritably. His hands were still holding Inseong’s wrists, squeezing them slightly. “Everything’s fine… at the agency, at least. But not with you, Inseong.”
“What are you talking about? I’m fine.” Inseong tilts his head slightly, playing dumb. It was unclear who he was trying to fool right now – Youngbin or himself.
“Inseong,” Youngbin draws out his name painfully. He shakes his head, condemning Inseong for such a stupid lie. “Forgive me for my wrong answer at that time.”
Huh?
"I really don't understand what you're talking about, Youngbin-ah..." Inseong, without taking his eyes off Youngbin, took his hands in his own. He began to gently stroke the backs of his palms with his thumbs, soothing Youngbin... no, himself.
"The day you confessed your feelings to me."
Hearing those words, Inseong winced. Why bring that up?
"I’m sorry I gave you the wrong answer. Back then, I was unsure and didn’t fully understand how I felt."
"What? Youngbin, why are you taking all the blame here too? Why are you blaming yourself for something you’re not at all to blame for?" Inseong shook his head.
Of course, Youngbin noticed how he was acting strange, and no amount of makeup could hide it, so he started blaming himself, as he always does. But Inseong is the one to blame here and no one else.
How dare you, Youngbin, the heartbreaker, feel the same bitterness as Inseong?
“Gave the wrong answer? What are you even… You weren’t obligated to pretend and return the feeling. It doesn’t work like that.”
“No, it’s not like that!” Youngbin groans and squints his eyes, gathering his thoughts, “no, Inseong, it’s mutual. I just… wasn’t ready. No, honestly, I just wasn’t sure…”
Huh?
"I thought I just really valued our friendship – that I liked you as nothing more than just my best friend," Youngbin’s cheeks began to flush, and Inseong doubts it’s from the cold. "It turns out the friendship I thought I felt was something… more."
Inseong looks at Youngbin emotionlessly. He doesn’t believe a single thing, and all those words seem like some memorized script. Youngbin is speaking nonsense just to calm Inseong down and get things back to normal.
And how could he lie to his face when Inseong himself saw just ten minutes earlier how he was acting with Jaeyoon? He isn’t blind, after all.
“Youngbin, please stop. I’ll be fine. I’ll get over it and move on,” Inseong lowers his head and looks at the other’s hands in his own. He continues to gently rub them.
“Besides, you like Jaeyoon, and you’re both very dear to me. I don’t want to get in your way.”
“Jaeyoon? Me…?” Youngbin looks at Inseong as if a second head had grown on him.
Inseong felt insulted. Youngbin really does think he’s blind.
“Well, I can see how you two are always cooing at each other. And you change right away and become so sweet around him…”
The last part was a bit unnecessary, but he had to seize the moment while he could.
“No, you misunderstood. He was helping me with my–”
Inseong groans. Just like a little kid, Youngbin, I swear!
Inseong is already so fed up with this discussion that if the leader says one more ridiculous word, he’ll just get up and leave.
"Enough. How could I have misunderstood? I saw it all with my own eyes. The way you look at him, the way you act, and how–"
Inseong is silenced by hands that suddenly cup his cheeks, forcing him to lift his face and meet the gaze of their owner. Youngbin looks angry.
“Just listen to me, you idiot! He was helping me deal with my feelings for you!” Youngbin shouts, making Inseong flinch in surprise.
"I didn’t understand anything and was very confused about my own feelings. I turned to Jaeyoon for help," Youngbin sighs heavily. He’s on the verge of tears. "He helped me realize my mistake – that I rejected you back then. I’m truly, truly sorry.”
Oh, what the hell.
This sounds too unreal.
Inseong tries to shake his head as much as the hands holding him allow. No, no, Youngbin, you’re only saying this out of pity. It can’t be true.
"Youngbin, I don’t understand why you’re trying so hard to–"
Once again, Inseong is cut off before he can finish, but this time he’s not silenced by someone else’s hands, but by something much more pleasant and something he himself has dreamed of many times – lips.
Youngbin’s lips covered his in an emotional but clumsy kiss. Taken by surprise, Inseong couldn't react in any way other than to widen his eyes. He palmed Youngbin’s hands on his cheeks.
“Please, believe me, Inseong.
I love you.”
Ah, what a nonsense.
In a moment like this, his mind should be a complete mess, but instead Inseong felt only silence and emptiness in his head.
He stares at his beloved in front of him without blinking. His mouth opens and closes again without making a sound, making him look like a fish.
"You... are you serious?"
"Yes, yes, and yes. I love you, Inseong. I really do–"
In the next moment, Inseong jumps off the swing and kisses Youngbin. He kisses him long and tenderly, trying to convey all his emotions through this touch.
To Inseong, Youngbin is exactly as he imagined, but even more. Youngbin awkwardly answers him, and Inseong thinks this is the happiest moment of his life.
He pulls away from the other’s lips and buries his face in Youngbin’s shoulder, hugging him tightly.
“I’m so happy…” Inseong mumbles tiredly into the clothes.
A wave of relief washed over him so powerfully, his entire body went limp in an instant, and he found himself on the verge of tears.
This whole situation feels like yet another dream, even though he can feel the warmth of the other person’s body very vividly. It resonates deeply in his heart as Youngbin runs his hand soothingly in circular motions across his back.
Inseong feels like they’ve been standing like this for a very long time, but he would honestly give anything for them to stand like this for another eternity – without letting go of each other – but he pulls away to take Youngbin’s hand in his and intertwine their fingers.
He feels his cheeks and ears burning, and he’s smiling like a complete fool, but he’s not alone in this – Youngbin gives him the same goofy smile, and his face is just as red.
Inseong drags Youngbin toward the exit of the playground, hoping that their first date, which he’s dreamed of so much, will finally happen.
"I need to kiss Jaeyoon a thank you," Inseong says, looking up at the sky. "What would we do without him?"
Youngbin buries his face in Inseong’s neck, embarrassed. "Yeah, you should."
He knows that Inseong has every right to tease him.
This situation is pretty silly.