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"Am I...going to die?" Jin looked at the doctor with terrified eyes. Namjoon and Yoongi were sitting on each side of him, linking their arms with his. The two of them were already spewing tears from their eyes and resting their heads on Jin's shoulders.
"I won't sugarcoat this, Jin. Your case is very rare. You're reaching stage 4 lung cancer, on top of that, stage 4 pancreatic cancer." Dr. Phi informed. The doctor didn't want to scare the hell out of the three boys sitting in front of him, but he didn't want to lie either. "The prognosis is not good."
Jin tried to keep his composure so as not to upset Namjoon and Yoongi any more than they were, but he knew what this meant.
"So you're basically saying I'm going to die. And probably sooner than later." Jin licked his cracked lips and tried to gulp away the soreness in his throat, but it was no use. Every part of him felt sick. From his head to his toes.
Nobody knew how he got so sick this quickly. Just a few weeks ago he had started getting severe stomach pains, and at the same time he was having trouble breathing. He thought he'd developed a cold and flu at the same time, but when it became obvious that the illnesses weren't going to go away on their own, and Jin began coughing up blood, Yoongi brought him to the hospital in hopes of getting some medicine, with Namjoon tagging along.
None of them could have expected this.
The doctor looked at the way the three of the members were too busy crying and not making eye contact with him. He stepped closer and put his hand on Jin's shoulder. "I can't say yes or no, but as I said, the prognosis isn't good. I will do all I can to help you, but the survival rate of even just one of these cancers is...well...especially stage 4...never mind having both at the same time."
Yoongi wiped the snot dripping from his nose. "No, he's too young to die," he mumbled.
Namjoon finally looked up at the doctor. "Are you sure this is right? I-I mean," he paused to take a deep breath, "is it possible you are looking at the wrong blood tests? Something like this wouldn't happen to Jin hyung. Not in a million years."
"I can guarantee it was the correct blood work. And, unfortunately, cancer doesn't play favorites. As much as it sucks, it can happen to anyone at any time. All we can do is continue to research and study further to try and find a cure."
"Then get to researching and studying!" Yoongi jumped up from where he was seated on the hospital bed. "Before he dies! Find a damn cure already!"
"Hey," Jin said softly as he grabbed Yoongi's arm. "It's okay."
"No! No, it's not okay! You're only 27 years old, hyung! You're practically just a baby! You're too young for this!" Yoongi started gripping anxiously at his hair. "You're the only hyung I have! You can't die!"
Jin wanted to stand up and pull Yoongi into his arms, but he could feel the way his body was already too weak and giving up on him. He pulled Yoongi towards him and back down onto the bed. "Yoongs, it'll be okay. Like the doctor said, he isn't saying yes or no right now. It's not a definite thing."
Yoongi buried his face into Jin's neck as he hugged him. "All the doctors probably say that no matter what."
Dr. Phi reviewed the chart again before putting it down on the table. "I am going to get you set up with a cancer specialist, and set you up with chemo appointments." He then pulled up another list. "Here are all the meds I will be prescribing." He went down a long list and all of their side effects. To Jin, it almost sounded like having cancer would be better than dealing with all the side effects from the meds.
Jin looked at Namjoon who was still snuggled up next to him, with his arm linked around his, and crying. He didn't know what to say.
"I'll get these prescriptions for you and you can pick them up hopefully by the end of the day. Other than that, that's all for now. You're free to leave."
Dr. Phi left the room, but none of the three members moved from the bed. Jin wasn't sure how to feel. The world instantly felt different. He suddenly realized that all the things he thought were so important, actually weren't. He realized that all that mattered was the time you have while you're here, and what you do with it that makes you happy. He didn't want to show his two dongsaeng's how absolutely terrified he was. He viewed death as a terrifying thing. He was angry, mostly at himself, his own body, for not showing signs before it got this bad. It went from zero to one hundred in only a few weeks, and now here he was, knowing what the outcome would be.
I just hope I get a lot more time...
Another fear running through his head was how the hell they were supposed to tell the rest of the members. He knew that if Yoongi was already breaking down, it was only going to get worse from there. His mind immediately went to his maknae, Jungkook. He shook the thought of telling him out of his head. He didn't even want to think about it.
"We should get home," Jin commanded. He went to stand up but his body felt too weak so he stumbled forward. Namjoon and Yoongi both shot up and grabbed his arms to stop him from falling. "Careful." Namjoon sounded assertive but defeated at the same time. He turned to Yoongi. "Let's get him back in the wheelchair to get him to the car."
The drive home was silent. Jin was trying hard to process his emotions and what this diagnosis meant for him. He wished it had been someone else's bloodwork the doctor had looked over, but at the same time he realized he wouldn't wish this on anyone else anyway. He just wished it wasn't him either. Yoongi's vision kept blurring with tears as he attempted to drive home. Unfortunately, Namjoon didn't have his license, so he wasn't much help in that department.
"How are we going to tell them?" Namjoon asked from his place in the back seat.
"I don't know," Jin replied. "I just ask that neither of you tell them until I'm ready to tell them."
"We should do it sooner than later," Namjoon reached over and placed his hand over Jin's, "in case you..."
"Die soon?" Jin raised an eyebrow and then sighed. "I suppose you're right. I'd say we could tell them over dinner, but I don't want to ruin their meals."
"You're the one sick yet you still care more about the rest of us. Please make sure you take care of yourself first from now on. That's all any of us are going to want. You need to put all of your effort into getting better, not the rest of us."
"I may have cancer, but being your hyung is still in my blood, Joonie. No promises there." Jin smiled at Namjoon.
"How can you take this so lightly?" Namjoon felt his heart clench up in his chest and his fists tighten. "You just found out you're so sick you might die, and you're acting like it's probably no big deal."
"Please don't start a fight," Yoongi pleaded with a shaky breath.
"I'm not taking it lightly. I guess I just haven't fully processed it yet. I don't know, Joon. I've never been through this before. I also just want to be seen and treated normally, so I'm trying to act normal about it." Jin turned to Namjoon. "Can I have that, at least?"
"Yes. I'm sorry. I'm just really scared," Namjoon admitted.
Jin stroked Namjoon's cheek and wiped away a tear that had fallen. "So am I, Joonie-ah. So am I."
--
"Cancer?! No! That has to be wrong! Go back to the doctor and demand new bloodwork! You were fine just a few weeks ago, how the hell would you suddenly have stage 4 lung and pancreatic cancer at the same time?!" Jungkook was running around the living room in absolute hysterics. Jin had decided to just tell the rest of them as soon as they'd gotten home, because he knew they'd ask and this wasn't something he wanted to lie about. He had already prepared himself for this kind of reaction, especially from Jungkook.
The entire group was sobbing. Taehyung and Jimin were nodding in agreement with Jungkook, saying that he needed to have the tests redone.
"It won't change anything. I can feel it. I can feel how sick I am. I can barely even walk anymore. I know the doctor wasn't wrong." Jin was slumped on the couch. Despite sitting and leaning back into the cushions, his body still felt like it weighed a million pounds. Despite everyone else's hysteria and the outbreak of shattered hearts all around him, he found it hard to keep his eyes open.
He was so exhausted.
Hobi wanted to snuggle right up onto Jin's lap, but it hurt his hyung too much for anyone to even touch him. He had felt more fragile as the day had progressed. Even a gentle touch from anyone else stung. He leaned his head back on the couch and then fell into a coughing fit, managing to cough so hard he leaned forward and vomit spewed out onto the floor. Jimin ran and got him a bucket, and Jin released nothing but bile into it. Jimin went to stroke Jin's cheek but the elder turned away. "Ow."
"Sorry. I'm so sorry." Jimin, along with all of the members, knew they were watching their entire world fall apart right in front of them. They could only hope that the doctor was wrong, and that Jin would get better instead of worse.
And then it happened too quickly.
Over the next few days, Jin had declined ten-fold. Jin had ended up staying in the hospital. Despite already starting his round of meds and chemo, his health only declined. He couldn't eat or drink. He threw up constantly. He was losing control of his bladder and his vision was blurry. He slept most of the time. His members stayed by his side every single second, constantly asking the doctors and nurses if there was anything new they could try. They said that they were so sorry, but they were doing all they can and that sometimes nature just has its own, aggressive way of doing things.
Jin was coherent enough to be heartbroken and angry. He knew it for a fact now. He knew he was going to die. He knew his members were waiting around in a hospital room, watching him die. As much as he loved having them there, he also wished they'd go out and enjoy their own lives before they ran out of time too quickly just like he had. He had even told them it was okay to leave him for a bit but they were all too afraid to do that. They were too scared that saying goodbye, even just once, would be the very last time. He also made a statement that none of them expected.
"I want t-t-o go...home, please." Rather die there, at least...
This got the doctor's attention, and he did offer the option of at home end-of-life care. If that was what Jin wanted, they could set up a hospital bed and medicine in his own home and have nurses come in throughout the days to administer medicine and check on him.
The members looked at Jin, and waited for his response. The only energy he had left in him was to give a slight nod.
And that was that, within two days, Jin was back home again. The members took out his bed from his room and it was replaced with a large hospital bed. Jin was hooked up to monitors and different medicines and fluids. Once he was all set up and there was nothing left for the nurses to do, they departed. It was at the point where now the goal was to make Jin as comfortable as possible.
The members clung to him the same way they had in the hospital. None of them wanted to leave his room. He got more used to their constant presence as the hours went on. He tried to spew out a few jokes here and there any time he had the energy to do so, and whenever he wasn't puking, but the members had a hard time laughing at any of them.
Jungkook had been holding it in for too long. He went up to Jin, buried his face into his hyungs chest, and began to uncontrollably sob. "Please don't go, hyungie. You have to get better."
Jin gently ran his fingers through Jungkook's hair and let him rest on his chest and cry as much as he needed to. All he could think of was how much he's going to miss the kid. "I will, Koo." He wasn't sure what he meant by that. Either he'd get better, or die and at least not be trapped inside this sickness anymore.
Jungkook bunched Jin's shirt up into his fists as he screamed. "It's not fair! This isn't fair!"
The other members stepped up to try and help alleviate Jungkook's emotional distress, but they all felt it too. Hobi was rubbing Jungkook's back.
"Listen," Jin started as he looked around at all of his crying dongsaeng's. "What does hyung always say?"
Jimin shrugged. "You say a lot of things."
"Hyung will do it. That's what I always say. I guess even in death, someone has to go first. So...hyung will do it." He tried not to think of what might be on the other side of this, and how much he was going to miss this family of his.
"But I don't want hyung to do it!" Taehyung screamed and stomped his foot. "Why couldn't it have been me instead?!"
"No, no, Tae." Jin waved his finger. "Hyung won't have any of that. I wouldn't want it to be you."
"But I don't want it to be you either! Like Jungkook said, this isn't fair!"
Jin sighed. "I know. I know." Jin knew more than damn well this wasn't fair. He wanted to live to be old so he could experience more. As much of a tough front as he was putting on for the others, he was completely broken inside. He didn't want this. He didn't want to say goodbye to the six little brothers he helped raise and loved so much. He wanted to see what all of them did with their lives. He wanted to see them all get married and have families. He wanted to attend weddings and birthday parties. He wanted to see what the future held for BTS and himself. He wanted to be dancing on stage with his members with all their gray hairs and wrinkled skin.
And now he'd never get to. He closed his eyes to trap his tears behind his eyelids before they could fall. He sucked in a deep breath, but it caused another coughing fit full of vomit. He repeated to himself in his head what everyone had been saying. This isn't fair.
--
Three days had gone by, and Jin was basically asleep 24/7. His body had grown way too thin and pale. The members were cleaning up around the place while Yoongi sat with Jin to keep him company. Jin had mustered up enough strength to call Yoongi over and touch his hand, but only for a moment. "You're going to be the hyung of the house now. Can you do that for me?"
Yoongi's bottom lip quivered. "N-No. I won't have to, because you're going to get better."
Jin furrowed his brow. He was sad to see the others still hold on to what he knew was false hope, but if that was their only coping mechanism for now, he didn't want to destroy that. "Right. Of course. I will get better." This was the first time he'd seen Yoongi even slightly smile since the hospital room visit. Jungkook came barging in with some bottles of water, but Jin didn't want any. He had IV fluids hooked up to him, and he knew he could already barely stomach those. Let alone drink something.
The members had been taking turns sleeping in Jin's room every night curled up under sleeping bags. They would pair up. Namjoon always slept there with Hobi. Taehyung with Jimin. And Jungkook with Yoongi.
It was Jungkook's and Yoongi's night to stay in his room, but Jin felt a little different. "If it's alright, I'd like to sleep alone tonight."
"What, why?" Jungkook sulked.
"Yah! Hyung still likes his alone time sometimes, you know!" Jin tried to be teasing about it, but he was serious about wanting a night alone.
"Fine," Jungkook crossed his arms, "but we'll be back bright and early!"
Jin gave a weak smile and a thumbs up. The night had already grown late and Yoongi and Jungkook had departed for the evening after everyone else had come in to say goodnight and blow kisses at him, since hugging was too painful now.
He heard his door click shut and all that was left was the slight beeping of the machines he was on. He stared in the direction of his bedroom door. "I'll miss you guys," he whispered. His body suddenly felt lighter. With all the strength he could muster up, he leaned up and turned all of his machines off. He knew he wasn't going to need them anymore, and he didn't want them beeping through the night. He wanted his members to get a good night of rest. He sunk back into his bed and felt the way all of the pain in his body was slowly subsiding as he shut his eyes. He couldn't help but smile, because for the first time in weeks, he could feel the sense of peace take over.
--
Yoongi and Jungkook had woken up early just like Jungkook had said they would. Jungkook grabbed some water bottles from the fridge hoping Jin would find it in him to drink some. They walked into Jin's room together and saw Jin curled up under his blanket. Neither of them noticed the machines were off as Yoongi walked up to his nightstand and started organizing some of his hyung's meds. They were tired and still a bit groggy.
"Hyung?" Jungkook's voice came from behind Yoongi.
"Hm?"
"Hyung?" Jungkook repeated.
"What, Koo?"
"Jin hyung!?"
Yoongi could hear the way Jungkook's voice had immediately grown more frantic. He whipped around quickly to see Jungkook's eyes red and pouring tears down his cheeks.
"Jin hyung?!" Jungkook was shaking Jin and screaming now. That's when the two of them also noticed the machines were off. "No! No! Hyung! Hyungie wake up! Jin! Please! Wake up!" Jungkook was shaking Jin furiously, and Yoongi pulled him away. He grabbed Jungkook and squished him into his chest as the younger screamed. He kissed the top of Jungkook's head as his own tears fell into the boy's hair. "He's gone, Koo. He's gone."
Jungkook's screaming woke the others and they all ran in. They knew what was going on as soon as they crossed the threshold of the door.
"He didn't want us in here last night," Yoongi cried. "He knew."
Hobi took it upon himself to call the proper authorities while the group hugged and sobbed together.
"He was supposed to get better!" Namjoon screamed as he dropped to his knees. Those were the only words he could find. The rest remained buried somewhere deep in his heart that he didn't know how to express. It had all happened too fast and at the moment the members were still in denial.
Not Jin hyungie. This would never happen to Jin hyungie.
He was taken from them too quickly. Officers came in and left with him before they were ready.
"Please bring him back to life. Please do something. Miracles happen all the time, right?!" Jimin begged and pleaded with the officers taking Jin to change the outcome of this situation. They both apologized for not being able to bring Jin back, and offered condolences for their loss.
Jin was gone and it was too quiet. Only the sound of crying echoed from wall to wall. Room to room.
Jin's laughter had been gone for weeks, but it didn't hit until now. They had been so accustomed to the white noise of the machines that now everything felt wrong. Because everything was wrong. Suddenly not only the house, but the entire world felt too small and too empty. And just as Jin had felt, nothing seemed to matter that much anymore. All they wanted was their hyung back.
--
The funeral was only two days later. The members wanted to put Jin to rest as soon as possible, feeling like the sooner they did it, the sooner he'd be at his most peaceful state. They held a beautiful ceremony in the funeral hall. The place was filled with flowers and pictures of Jin from his childhood to most recently. The members were asked to give individual speeches, but they found it too hard.They decided to write one big speech and they took turns reading it, with one member taking over reading when the other would burst into tears.
Their letter ended with...
"To the best hyung who always made sure to do something scary first, please wait for us. We promise to find you again in every lifetime. As the saying goes, it's not goodbye, it's just see you later."
The members were in fits of tears as they were escorted behind the hearse to the cemetery. They made sure to buy Jin the biggest gravestone that was etched with beautiful details. Flowers were carved along the sides and his stone sat right under a beautiful cherry blossom tree. They knew their hyung only deserved the very best.
When all was said and done and everyone else had left, the members sat with Jin for a while. None of them really knew what to say. Eventually, Taehyung spoke up with a strained voice from all his crying. "Why'd he have to go?"
Hobi wrapped his arm around Taehyung's shoulders and pulled him into a side hug. "None of us will ever know. All we can do is find peace in knowing he's not in pain anymore."
"That doesn't make me feel any better," Jimin chimed in. His voice also came out hoarse from all of his crying. All of the members had tired, bloodshot eyes and sore throats. Not to mention the immense weight of grief tugging on their hearts.
Suddenly, a red cardinal flew over and landed on the top of Jin's gravestone. It was singing some kind of pretty tune as it looked around at all of the members.
"Hey there, little guy," Jimin said as he reached out his finger. To everyone's surprise, the cardinal hopped onto his finger and sat there for a moment before flying over and landing on each of them whether it be their shoulders or their arms.
"It's Jin hyung letting us know he's okay." Namjoon forced a half-hearted smile.
The cardinal leaped off of Yoongi and began to run around on the ground around Jin's gravestone and chirp its little tune.
"Is this normal? What's it doing?" Taehyung asked.
"Clearly singing and dancing!" Namjoon replied.
The cardinal flew up into the air and appeared to be doing little tricks, getting some slight giggles out of the members. As it finally began to fly away, Hobi asked, "What was that about?"
"I know what he's doing. He's boasting," Jungkook said.
"About what?" Jimin asked.
"You know what hyung always said." Jungkook pointed to the sky. "That he'll do it. That someone has to go first, and that he'll do it."
All of the members were now looking up at the sky with a new sense of wonder.
"He was already the first to die," Jungkook continued, "and now he's boasting that he's also the first one of us that gets to fly."
[The End]