Chapter Text
“Thank you for seeing me, Headmage.”
“My pleasure. Now what is this all about, Mr. Rosehearts?”
Riddle set a folder down on Crowley’s desk as he stated, “As you may recall, you recently granted an excused absence to [REDACTED] so he could attend a funeral off-campus.”
“Yes, yes…”
“When he returned, he began weeping at random moments. At first, I and the rest of Heartslabyul assumed that he was suffering from delayed grief. But when he grew insistent that something else was affecting him, my vice housewarden took him to the infirmary.” He then pointed to the folder as he continued, “Read the nurse’s report for the diagnosis.”
Crowley picked up the folder and opened it to read the medical report inside. After a few seconds, his eyes widened as he blurted, “’Quarantine recommended’?! Is it that serious?!”
Riddle nodded solemnly, “Very much so, I’m afraid.”
“Well, then I shall gather the housewardens and tell them –“
“Did you not just read this?! A quarantine means that no one who’s been exposed to the illness can have close contact with other people, not even you and me!”
“Oh. What other means of communication do you suggest, then?”
*****
Everyone was dismissed from classes early with instructions to attend the online Broom meeting for “extra credit”.
From his screen, Crowley asked, “I trust everyone is present and accounted for?”
Jamil pointed out, “Except for Malleus and Lilia.”
Just then, a screen displaying the faces of the Diasomnia duo appeared.
Lilia chimed, “We’re here! We had…technical difficulties. Khee hee hee!”
Malleus grumbled, “Well, how was I supposed to know that I needed a Broom account?”
Crewel spoke, “Next time, Crowley, just send out invites.”
Crowley muttered, “Duly noted.” He then turned his attention back to his virtual audience, “Er, ahem, I’ve called everyone to this online meeting today due to a grave development. You see, this school must be quarantined.”
This caused the students and faculty to mutter in confusion and dread.
“One of our students has brought a rare and highly-contagious disease onto campus. No one is going to die from it, but the party responsible shall remain anonymous for his safety. Any attempts to discover his identity and harm him for his unwitting actions will result in immediate expulsion from Night Raven College. Am I understood?”
The students acquiesced, “Yes, Headmage.”
“Good. I shall now defer the floor to Housewarden Rosehearts.”
Riddle’s screen jumped into the center as he spoke, “Thank you, Headmage. The student I will now dub as ‘Patient 0’ has been exhibiting symptoms of Mock Turtle’s Disease.”
Some of the students snickered at the ridiculousness of the name.
“’Mock Turtles’?”
“Is this a joke?”
“What’s it gonna do? Make us mock turtles?”
Riddle had no patience for such derision, so he spoke up sharply, “Silence! This is a very serious matter! Make one more crack and I shall have your heads for it!”
“…”
“Good. Now if I may have your full attention, I shall now explain Mock Turtle’s Disease and our next steps.” Riddle then displayed a slideshow with infographics, walls of text, and images (one of which was an artist’s impression of the Mock Turtle from the Queen of Hearts’s day). “This ailment is documented to have existed for many centuries, but its current name comes from its most famous victim, the Mock Turtle.”
Ace piped up with an impish grin, “You mean the thing Mock Turtle Soup is made from?” This caused some of the Heartslabyul students to snicker at the reference.
Riddle grimaced in annoyance and face-palmed. However, he gritted his teeth and responded, “Yes, but we’re getting off-topic. Surely those in Heartslabyul remember the notable traits of the Mock Turtle.” He smiled as if daring them to not disappoint him, “Would one of you like to elaborate?”
Deuce gulped before saying, “The Mock Turtle was, uhhh…known for his tales about his school days…and the Lobster Quadrille!”
“Good. What else?”
“Umm…He could sing Beautiful Soup…” He then winced in fear as he said slowly and unsurely, “And he cried a lot?”
Riddle nodded, “Correct. The crying is the reason why this disease is named after the Mock Turtle.”
Grim impatiently spoke up, “So are you gonna tell us what exactly it does?”
The housewarden answered, “MTD causes one to cry uncontrollably for up to a week. Common symptoms include melancholy, lethargy, and watery eyes.”
Idia – with his face obscured by his usual blue screen with the skull icon – asked, “Are you sure Patient 0 doesn’t just have depression and allergies at the same time?”
“I’m quite positive. One of the hallmarks of MTD is a tender red spot between the upper eyelid and eyebrow. That would be the lacrimal gland swelling to prepare for excess tear production.” When the confused student body remained silent, Riddle sighed in irritation, “It means the organ that makes tears is getting bigger to make more of them.”
This threw some of the students for a loop. Sam asked in concern, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just how many tears does MTD produce?”
“My research shows the average is between 40 to 64 fluid ounces. Basically, five to eight cups.”
Vargas remarked amidst the students’ surprised mutters, “Whoa! That much?!”
Riddle continued, “Yes. That’s why it’s important to stay hydrated during the course of the illness should you contract it.”
Azul inquired, “So how does it get transmitted?”
“That is currently unknown. MTD originated as a sickness that only anthropomorphic creatures of olden times could get, but it somehow evolved to include strains that infect mages.”
Yuu spoke up, “So that leaves me out.”
“And Ortho as well, considering that he’s a humanoid.”
Idia scoffed in jealousy, “Pfft! Lucky.”
Crowley’s screen then took front and center. “Wait! I have an excellent idea! Since you two and the ghosts will be immune to the effects of Mock Turtle’s Disease, you shall aid the medical staff with their duties and maintain the campus grounds until the quarantine is over.”
Ortho asked, “Are you sure we’d be qualified for that?”
“Why, yes! Positively! I’m sure you and Yuu will do a fine job!”
Yuu – though annoyed at being roped into another one of Crowley’s “tasks” – only sighed, “We will do our best, Headmage.”
Crowley clapped his hands, “Splendid! Would you like to continue, Mr. Rosehearts?”
Riddle’s screen once again took center. “If you please. This disease is likely transmitted through the magical aura mages possess. That means even if you weren’t exposed to Patient 0 himself, you can still contract the illness from those who were.”
Leona said, “Well, that makes sense. I thought I’ve been smelling something weird in the crowds lately.”
While several of the students yelped at the idea of being infected already, Riddle told Leona, “Oh, dear. You might’ve already been exposed to it if you could smell it.”
The beastman scoffed in apathy, “Tch. Lucky me.”
Ortho asked, “Excuse me, Riddle? What happens when someone gets MTD?”
Riddle explained, “Well, what I’ve discovered is this: within 24-48 hours of infection, a person can feel their lacrimal glands swelling along with a sense of melancholy. It would be like you’ve been hit with a sinus infection and depression together. In Stage 2, you start having random bouts of weeping. Any spike in emotion – negative or positive – will trigger tears regardless of circumstance. Even if you try to laugh, you’ll end up crying all the same.”
Kalim remarked, “Bummer, man.”
“The third stage is usually when the victim begins crying more frequently. Your eyes are constantly blurry with tears, so you would need some assistance with walking. That or a good sense of your environment. Stage 4 is considered the most intense with the victim hysterically sobbing and wailing. They will also be more prone to erratic behavior at this time, so it’s advisable to have someone level-headed to keep you company.”
Vil spoke up, “You never mentioned erratic behavior as one of the symptoms.”
Ruggie remarked with a puckish grin, “If anyone’s gonna have that, it’s Vil. Shyeheehee!”
Vil glared daggers at the hyena beastman.
Riddle continued as if he didn’t hear Ruggie’s jab, “To elaborate on your point, Vil, those with certain mental health issues are more susceptible to impulsive and abnormal behavior than the average person would be. Furthermore, victims who repressed their emotions before the infection are reported to have a more severe reaction to it.”
Jack asked, “What happens if you try to repress them during the infection?”
“I’d greatly advise against that. Any attempt at suppression will end miserably for the victim. And I do mean miserably.”
A few of the students chuckled at the unintentional pun, causing Riddle to frown in annoyance.
He continued, “In fact, one of the complications of MTD are adverse effects on one’s mental health to the point of hurting oneself. And it can get quite serious from there.”
The students recoiled in dread at the very thought.
Trein inquired, “Mr. Rosehearts, are there any other complications we should be aware of?”
Riddle answered, “Well, the wailing period combined with the constant globus sensation felt during MTD can irritate the throat, which in turn would make it prone to illnesses such as laryngitis. There is also asphyxiation by sobbing.”
Epel asked, “What’s that mean?”
Silver said, “I think it’s like choking from not breathing right.”
Sebek shouted in a panicked tone, “We could die from crying?!”
Riddle clarified, “No, you will not die. Your life would be in danger only if you don’t get enough air while sobbing.”
Cater groused, “Well, that makes me feel so much better. Hashtag #Sarcasm. Hashtag #MTDStinks.”
Trey asked his childhood friend, “So what happens in Stage 5?”
Riddle responded, “There is no Stage 5. Rather, MTD regresses after Stage 4. It usually returns to Stage 1 by the seventh or eighth day. There are rare cases in which the infection lasts a shorter or longer time than expected, but typically MTD tapers off within a week. Medicine would be beneficial in reducing the illness.”
Crewel spoke up, “I’ll try to concoct something before the MTD hinders me.”
“As recommended by the head nurse of the infirmary, the best course of action for us would be to remain in our dorms until the sickness has passed. Nobody is to leave until every one of us has been given a clean bill of health. However, there will be exceptions for medical emergencies. If one must leave quarantine for reasons other than that, it must be discussed at length with a member of either faculty or medical staff. Now, does anyone have any questions?”
Floyd chimed in, “Hey, I have a question.”
“Yes, Floyd?”
“Can we, like, cry enough tears to make a flood?”
“Every person differs in how much they could theoretically cry or how long the illness could last for them. It’s not possible for an individual to produce a flood, but if everyone here were to cry collectively in the same area for a week without using any tissues to wipe our eyes, then yes. We could create a flood.”
“Like how big?”
Riddle burst the Leech twin’s bubble, “Only comparable to a large hot tub capsizing and spilling all of the water inside.”
“Aww…”
Jade suggested, “But what if there’s rain? That would make the flood grow in volume.”
Rook pointed out, “Oui, but it would take certain weather conditions to produce such a calamity. Why, you need someone with the power to manipulate the skies like –“
His eyes along with those of the other students widened at the revelation that there was indeed someone with that kind of power, however diminished it may have been. Everyone turned their gaze towards Malleus and Lilia, who – simultaneously with Silver and Sebek – could only utter in dread:
“Oh, no.”
*****
“Thank you for allowing me to temporarily lodge at Ramshackle Dorm. I appreciate the kind gesture.”
During the Broom meeting earlier, Yuu had volunteered to let Malleus stay in their dorm so he could avoid potentially summoning enough rain to drown the Diasomnia dorm. The prefect was now helping the housewarden’s retainers move some of his luggage into a spare room on the third floor. That way, Malleus would find comfort and fleeting joy in looking at the gargoyles perched just outside his window.
“I’m just happy to help out a friend, Hornton!” Yuu responded cheerfully.
Malleus chuckled at the mention of the special nickname the child of man had given him earlier in the school year. Back when they first met, Malleus was taking his usual nocturnal constitutional on the grounds of the dorm he had still considered to be ruins. He had been surprised to hear a voice coming from within the derelict house…and even more so to discover that this person was actually staying in Ramshackle! To avoid fostering any fear of him – which was common with the other students and pretty much everyone he met – Malleus had declined to share his name, telling the prefect to give him a nickname instead. The next time they had met, Malleus was amused that Yuu and Grim had come up with “Hornton”, which stuck with him even after his identity was revealed to them during the Song and Dance Championship.
After the chuckle left his body, Malleus told Yuu, “Cherish that moment of laughter, because it may be the last time you’ll hear it for a while.”
A silent minute punctuated only by the sound of moving luggage had passed before Sebek approached Yuu with threat in his eyes. “I warn you, human: If any harm comes to my liege, I will make you wish you had never been born.”
Silver intervened by admonishing him, “Sebek, we do not threaten our housewarden’s host. Yuu is gracious enough to keep watch of him for the week.”
Sebek growled at his fellow retainer.
Malleus agreed as he and Lilia came up to the trio, “It’s true. In times like this, we must respond with great humility and gratitude.”
Lilia chimed in with a grin, “I know it must be hard for you to be away from Malleus for so long, but remember the deal we made?”
Yuu asked, “Deal?”
Silver explained, “If Malleus doesn’t show symptoms of MTD tomorrow, he can return to Diasomnia. If any of us are free of symptoms, then we’ll come to Ramshackle to act as his guards.”
Lilia added cheerfully, “And if we’re all sick, then we’ll just have to follow quarantine rules and stay in Diasomnia while Malleus remains in Ramshackle!”
Suddenly, the chubby ghost appeared out of thin air, startling the Diasomnia boys (sans Lilia). “Aww! It’s a real shame you’re not staying here, too!”
Just then, his two other friends appeared, with the thin ghost agreeing, “Yeah! Misery loves company!”
As the trio of ghosts burst into laughter and circled above the living, Malleus crossed his arms and remarked as he gazed up in wonder, “Seems like I’ll have quite a time here.”
Grim said, “Eh, you’ll get used to it. Eventually.”