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♡ - ♡ - ♡ This is a story about a cat and as it goes on it turns out it’s not really about a cat at all.
Tyler was sitting at the vet’s office, petting Johnny’s soft furry head absentmindedly and smiling at the purr he got in return. His cat Johnny hasn’t been feeling too well the past few weeks, specifically after the vet found tumor in his stomach and endured a surgery to remove it a week ago. The cat has lost its appetite ever since, refusing to eat or move around much during the day. Tyler was worried. Johnny was a good cat and Tyler loved him.
He was the rotten little kid in the house. He stole toys. He knocked people over. He may or may not have peed on people’s legs and in people’s shoes. He stole every single stuffed toy in the house and ripped it in pieces. He was annoying and funny and Tyler loved him a lot.
Johnny was Josh’s last cat and over the years the pets that lived with him and at his end have all gone on; crossed the rainbow bridge or wherever pets go. If there is heaven, they must go there because how could it be paradise without a cat in your lap or a dog at your feet?. First it was Sylvester and then it was Jasmine and then just Johnny was left as the old little guard. And now he, like the others was about to leave Tyler too.
Grief, Tyler has learned over time, is really love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot give. The more you loved someone, the more you grieve. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes and in that part of your chest that gets empty and hollow feeling. The happiness of love turns to sadness when unspent. Grief is just love with no place to go.
It’s taken him a couple of years to realize that his grief is his way of telling the great vastness that the love he has still resides there with him. He will always grieve for Josh because he will always love him. It won’t stop. That’s how love goes.
♡ ♡ ♡
Tyler fell in love with Josh at a concert where they met by accident about 6 years ago. It was small and private performance where Tyler himself was singing and playing the songs he has written and recorded in his own bedroom. The venue was small, but packed, the people attending the improvised concert were all friends or family coming there to support Tyler’s band and his music. Josh was a friend of Tyler’s friend and they kind of met after the performance was done. Chris, a good friend of Tyler’s introduced them while he was still sweaty and buzzing with post-convert energy. Josh was so excited to meet him he lost his words and couldn’t even introduce himself properly. It was adorable and sweet, how the other man was stumbling over his words to tell Tyler how much he enjoyed his music and digged the lyrics like they were written for him. Josh was shy and a little awkward , but his huge heart was showing through every fiber of his being. He had this vibe of kindness and softness Tyler fell for immediately and without thinking too much gave the other man his phone number and told him he wanted to hang out some time.
Josh texted him the next day and they did hang out again soon after. It turned out that he was a drummer which made Tyler like him even more if that was even possible. They shared the same musical interests and loved the same TV shows. Talking to Josh was the easiest thing In the world as well as being around him felt so comfortable Tyler soon realized he never wanted to separate with him.
As time went by they started hanging out more and more often and Tyler would notice some things about Josh’s health that worried him. The drummer often felt weak and fatigued, got tired easily and had pains in his chest.
A month into their friendship Josh told Tyler that he had an incurable hearth condition he was born with. It’s called ARVD/C or Right Ventricular Dysplasia/Cardiomyopathy and caused arrhythmia and heart palpitations. It was progressive disease which meant that Josh would get worse as time went by, even though he was undergoing treatment for it. Tyler hugged him that day, telling him that no matter what happens he will always be there for him. Josh held onto him like Tyler held all of the secrets to the Universe.
After some time spent in denying their feelings they finally admitted to themselves and to each other that they were in love. Tyler has never been more in love in his life and by the looks of it Josh was just as over the moon as him. It was one of the happiest days of Tyler’s life, hearing Josh say the words “ I love you” , his eyes smiling and crinkling up at the corners as though the love he felt for Tyler was bursting out of him. His smile was so wide it was splitting his beautiful face. Tyler was so far gone he knew he would give Josh the entire world if that’s what it took to make him happy.
It turned out that making Josh happy was a lot more simple than that. He loved Oreos and cats and Tyler so as long as he had all of those things he didn’t need anything else in his life. Well besides music which was part of both of their lives, just as inseparable as any vital organ in their bodies.
They started making music together after Tyler’s band fell apart and Josh jumped at the opportunity straight away. They played together a lot anyway, but at that point they started doing it more professionally and with more purpose. Josh was amazing on the drums, bringing energy and passion Tyler never knew he was lacking, but clearly did. It was just the two of them, writing and performing but it felt too right to be wrong. It apparently wasn’t wrong because people were taking interest in the songs they’ve posted on myspace and youtube, asking when will they have a gig. Things were going great.
Josh had doctor’s appointments every couple of months, running tests and scans to make sure his health wasn’t getting worse. For a while his condition wasn’t changing, not for better nor worse and Josh kept telling Tyler that it was a good thing. Still Tyler was worried; the thought of losing his best friend and love of his life was haunting him day and night. It was a fear he got used to live with, because it existed at the back of his mind no matter what he did.
Josh’s beautiful and kind heart compensated for Tyler’s often appearing bad moods and sarcasm. The drummer was bursting with positive energy and was always eager to give it away for other people to feed off of it. Tyler often wanted to tell Josh to stop being so good to everyone and that his heart was probably in this condition because he gave too much of it to other people. He never did though, because it would sound insensitive and maybe rude, but Tyler secretly wanted to keep Josh just for himself and not have to share it with the rest of world.
When their music got more recognition and people started coming to their shows they got a tour booked , followed by another and both of them were nothing short of success. They toured on a local level mostly, but their audience grew and became stronger as time went by. Their schedule became busier and hectic as well which took its toll on Josh who gave everything he’s got every night he sat behind his drums and played the music they’ve written with Tyler to the eager crowd. It was physically demanding, to play as hard as he did every night and often those nights ended with ache in his chest and weakness throughout the entire next day. Tyler was worried.
By the end of their second tour Josh couldn’t get up from his bed for days, forcing Tyler to take him to the hospital for an unplanned checkup. The news weren’t good. Josh needed to stop playing drums as well as any physically demanding activity If he wanted to live longer. That’s when they had their first big fight, in the hospital room while Josh’s parents sat outside the room and waited for news. Tyler told Josh that he can’t play the drums any more, not if it endangered his life. Josh on the other hand stubbornly refused to stop playing music and told Tyler that his life would lose meaning if he couldn’t play the drums anymore and he might as well just die. It slipped out accidently and Josh realized what he said only after it escaped his mouth.
“ You won’t have anything to life for ?? What about me, Josh ? Don’t you want to live because of me ? Am I not reason enough ? “ Tyler practically yelled, overwhelmed with fear of losing his best friend. He knew Josh, he knew exactly how stubborn his boyfriend was and how much he loved playing music. Even if that was killing him
“ That’s not what I meant Ty , I swear “ Josh apologized with tears in his eyes while Tyler tried not to break at the seams right there and then. “ I love you more than anything in the world. If you asked me to stop breathing I would, if that would make you happy “ Josh’s voice was shaking, his weak heart racing in his chest , making him feel dizzy. “ But I’m not good at anything else. If I stop playing music … I’ll be nothing, my life will be pointless. “ his voice broke at the last part of the sentence, forcing him to bury his face in his clutched hands.
“ Josh, hey “ Tyler’s anger turned to sadness, seeing how upset and devastated Josh looked. He grabbed his boyfriend’s hands in his, kneeling by his bed “ Listen to me. You’re not useless. You are wonderful, smart, talented, kind and throughoutfully amazing person. Just because you can’t drum at our concerts anymore doesn’t mean you’ll be anything less than what you were yesterday. “
“Please don’t cancel the rest of the tour “ Josh whispered , looking up at Tyler with huge devastated brown eyes “ Let me at least have this, please “
Tyler didn’t give him an answer then, but he knew that he wouldn’t let Josh get worse even if that meant breaking his heart. He ended up canceling the tour which lead to their next fight, only this time the outcome was a lot more devastating.
Josh wasn’t even angry at Tyler that day. He was disappointed and sad because his boyfriend didn’t even talk to him before cancelling all the shows they were scheduled to play. Tyler kind of took that decision himself which upset the drummer , because they were together – in their relationship as well as in their band and were supposed to take decisions together. The singer felt particularly stubborn that day and refused to apologize because he was certain he was making the best choice for Josh which really hurt the other man.
“ I told you, your life is more important than our career okay ? “ he was saying and was about to continue proving his point, but then something happened that silenced him immediately. Josh has slumped to the ground like a doll who’s strings were cut, leaving him to lie boneless on the ground. Tyler’s reaction was immediate , he threw himself on the floor next to Josh who looked like he wasn’t brathing.
CPR was one of the things Tyler learned how to perform back when a doctor told him there’s a high risk Josh could have a heart attack and the immediate first aid could save his life. The singer learned how to do it and practiced it often, without telling Josh so he wouldn’t scare him. But even though Tyler knew at the back of his mind that something like this could happen it still came as a shock, as a hard blow to the stomach, seeing his lover’s lips turning blue and his pulse barely audible.
Thankfully Tyler’s CPR and the ambulance coming within minutes saved Josh’s life that day. But it made both of them realize how serious the situation was and how fragile life was now. Josh spent 3 weeks at the hospital and another three not doing much more then resting and eating. Tyler’ wouldn’t let him do anything around the house and showered him with care and love. It was obviously working, because Josh was getting better and 6 months after his heart attack his doctor told him it was okay to play drums again, only if he didn’t overdo it and stayed on the safe side of exercising. Josh was ecstatic, he ran to Tyler and lifted him off the ground, spinning him around and giggling like a little kid.
Tyler dyed his hair pink , Josh has been asking him for a while and of course the singer couldn’t deny him anything. It looked so good on him. Tyler was so in love.
They recorded an album and it was a new level of excitement. It wasn’t the best studio out there, but the record was theirs and Josh’s beats were recorded there which made it 1000 times better if you asked Tyler. Releasing their first album was a huge deal and the reviews they got were absolutely incredible. People loved it. Of course after the successful album came the tour and Tyler’s worst fear came back to haunt him. They were scheduled to play every night for the next three months which was a lot. Josh was like a thunderstorm on the drums, playing his heart out to the crowd that soaked it all up. They played bigger venues, to bigger crowds and their crew got bigger. The tour was absolute success and to Tyler’s huge relief Josh didn’t get worse or experienced any worrying symptoms .
Josh and Tyler bought themselves a small house in their Columbus, Ohio with the money they’ve earned from the successful tour and it was one of the happiest moments of Tyler’s life. They got a cat, called Sylvester – a fat and lazy ball of fur that Josh has rescued from the street. He wasn’t fat when the drummer found him – in a cardboard box with no food and no water for what seemed like days. Being the softie he is, Josh brought the freezing kitten home and fed it, gave it a bath and spent an hour crying in Tyler’s arms because how could anyone just leave a kitten all alone in the street ? Tyler wasn’t particularly a fan of animals, but seeing how tender and loving his boyfriend was round the little creatures he couldn’t help but melt with love.
They had a huge Christmas dinner in their new house, gathering both of their families at the table and Tyler would never forget how happy and content Josh has been on that day. It was going to be their last Christmas together, but it was the happiest in Tyler’s life. At midnight Josh has made a wish, something he was supposed to keep to himself , but couldn’t because he wanted Tyler to know. He held Tyler’s left hand and caressed his ring finger then kissed it gently , making Tyler want to burst out crying right there and then.
“ Dear Santa “ Josh began and Tyler was ready to burst out laughing if his chest wasn’t caving in at itself “ I know I haven’t been as good as I’m supposed to be, but I’ve never wanted anything more in my life ever “ Tyler felt the tears burning at the corners of his eyes and he didn’t even know why he wanted to cry so badly. “ If you really do exist and make people’s wishes come true I would like to marry Tyler in Disneyland “ he finished and the brunette couldn’t hold back the snorting sound that left his nose. It was half laugh and half sob, because he didn’t know whether to laugh from happiness or cry because their future was so uncertain.
“ I hope Santa hears you “ Tyler whispered to him as they sat together, looking at the stars and dreaming of weddings and happy days together.
You’re never supposed to say your wish out loud, or it wouldn’t come true, Tyler heard that many times. He didn’t believe in Santa or wishes coming true, but seeing their dream fall apart was a lot more painful than he could ever imagine.
It was in the middle of a show a couple of months later when Josh had his second heart attack. He was playing the drums one minute and the next one he was falling down on the ground, crashing sound pulling Tyler out of his singing.
Like the first time he throws himself on the ground where Josh is shaking like a leaf, body spazming because he can’t take a breath. His eyes are opened this time and it makes everything 100 times scarier and Tyler Is trying to stay calm and not panic for his boyfriend’s sake. He performs CPR , breathing life into Josh’s dying body , but it’s not working and Tyler can feel his best friend slip away.
Everyone inside the venue were standing quietly, stunned in shock while Tyler and the paramedics desperately tried to pull Josh out of death’s grip.
He died three times during the ride to the hospital and the fight to bring him back continued in the ER. Only when the surgeon came down to tell Tyler that Josh was stabilized but will need urgent surgery he broke down and cried. He has feared this would happen and now it was reality. His best friend and the person he loved most was dying and the helplessness he felt was so overwhelming it made him throw up in the hospital’s bathroom.
After three days of constant ups and downs Josh was finally out of danger and Tyler could breathe properly. His surgeon told him that they had to implant a heart defibrillator that would help Josh’s heart work and would control his arrhythmia. It wasn’t ideal and it would take a lot of getting used to, but as long as Josh was alive it was good enough for Tyler.
Months passed and Josh wasn’t going back to his perfect health. His heart was aided by the implanted machine, but it was still weak and ached often. Tyler did his best to keep his lover happy, bringing him another kitten to take care of which they named Jasmine. She was energetic and loving, showering the drummer with affection and love. Tyler knew that Josh was suffering quietly, that the situation was affecting him a lot more then he let it show. He often caught him crying in the bathroom when he thought that Tyler wasn’t there and couldn’t hear him. He got up in the middle of the night and went out in the balcony, once again thinking that his lover couldn’t hear him sob his heart out. Tyler cried too, but never hid from Josh. He cried in his arms and told him how much he loved him and feared losing him. Josh has always been the strong one so he held his tears back and comforted Tyler, petting his hear and kissing his temple.
When the doctor told Josh he was going on the heart transplant list and that his best option was getting a new heart Tyler knew that this was the final battle. They’ve exhausted every other option of treatment and nothing else to do was left, but wait.
Time is a luxurious thing. It’s one of the things everyone thinks they have, until they don’t have enough of it. Realizing that you’re out of time and every second is as precious as the previous one is of the scariest things in the world and Tyler’s life was now on endless countdown. Tick-tack. Time was running out and both of them knew it. Josh spent a lot of time in bed, surrounded by his three cats and Tyler who never left his side. He cooked Josh his favorite meals and watched with him his favorite movies, over and over and over again. There weren’t any donors available and the hope that Josh will get a new heart before his own gave out was shrinking.
Josh fought. He was brave and strong and kind and all of the things he has always been and for what Tyler loved him endlessly.
It happened on a quiet afternoon three days before Josh turned 25. They were lying in their bed, tangled together like two trees whose roots grew into each other. Josh has been in pain all day, his chest felt heavy and it hurt to breathe, but he didn’t want to go to the hospital. He said he wanted to stay in bed with Tyler, in their bed and their house with their cats and he didn’t care what happened afterwards. Josh was happy. Tyler’s heart was tearing inside of his chest, screaming at him to do something, to save Josh because he couldn’t imagine his life without him.
Tyler has been preparing himself mentally for this day for years, but nothing could dim the pain or make it a little bit less inhumanly painful to know that he’s probably holding Josh for the last time.
With his head on Josh’s chest , Tyler listened to his heartbeat and soaked up his warmth. It was the safest place on Earth, right there , in Josh’s embrace and the tears came flooding out like tsunami.
“ It’s okay my love “ Josh whispered into his hair while kissing his head and face tenderly “It’s okay”
“I love you so much, Joshie “ Tyler couldn’t see through his tears and this sounded like they were saying goodbye “ So much “
“Love you too, baby, I will always love you “
Tyler promised Josh he’ll take care of his cats and he’ll take care of himself as well. The clock was ticking Josh’s life away and he was falling asleep, slowly overtaken by exhaustion, his heart too tired to keep fighting for every beat.
It was as peaceful as Tyler could’ve imagined it, as Josh fell into his eternal sleep in Tyler’s arms, feeling loved and happy. It was a small consolation though. He knew that his life will change from now on and will never be the same without Josh’s light and kindness surrounding him.
And the scariest part of losing Josh was the fear of forgetting him over time. It terrified Tyler out of his mind, after the funeral was done and he went home, looking around the house and already feeling the emptiness there. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to forget him ever, but when the dust has settled and he cried all the tears he had left wouldn’t time erase all the evidence that Josh was in his life in the first place ?
When Josh first died, it was easy to find touchstones to draw Tyler back to him. The car he drove was still parked in the driveway. The record store he worked at a while ago was still busy and Tyler could catch a glimpse of him at desk through the swinging doors whenever he wanted to. Sylvester was really his cat and spending a few minutes petting the patch of white hair on his chest connected them again. Tyler bought them the hammock that was strung between the two trees at their place Up North. All those things; these beings and people and places are like a connect the dot puzzle. They draw the line backward. Josh worked here, the little lights whisper. Can’t you see him standing over there? Josh sat there, the little lights whisper. Remember the Christmas dinner you had at this table when the entire family was gathered and Josh couldn’t stop smiling all evening? But one by one, over time, those little lights start to wink out. The car is gone. So is their place Up North. So is Josh’s toothbrush and his clothes from Tyler’s dresser. The place he worked? It’s gone too and so are Sylvester and Jasmine and now Johnnie was about to leave Tyler too. The lights wink out over and over again and Josh moves farther and farther away to a place where he’s not easy to touch and to find anymore.
Tyler wouldn’t say it’s the worst. That wouldn’t be true, but it’s hard every time another light winks away. Johnnie’s light is just another light in the line of lights that have already gone dark. Josh petted him. Josh fed him. Josh yelled at him and gave him treats and played with him.
It’s been years since Josh’s funeral , but Tyler still remembered something an old guy told him that he didn’t fully understand until now. Tyler was grieving , head slumped in his hands when the old man approached him and patted his shoulder.
“Greif, my boy , it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and magnificence of the ship that was and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find a piece of wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while all you can do is float. Stay alive.”
“In the beginning waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture , the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything… and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves there is life.”
“Somewhere down the line , and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall . Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday or Christmas. You can see it coming and prepare for it, at the most part. And when it washed over you , you know that somehow you will, again , come out the other side. Soaking wet, spluttering, still hanging on to some tiny little piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.”
“Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks”