Chapter Text
June 1, 2015
9:05 PM
This is crazy. It’s absolutely crazy. Everything about it is crazy. The only thing not absurd happening right now is that I am sitting here inside a cafe, writing my first entry for this journal. Okay, well, this is my best friend’s fault. She told me that writing down everyday will help me keep memories — help me keep those things that I would want to look back on.
“You should write an entry everyday, you know,” Lily said while biting on the garlic bread I have told her a hundred times that was only mine, “and do something crazy! For six months, do something crazy, Andy!” She encouraged me.
“Fuck you, stop eating my garlic bread!” I told her before slapping her hands away from my food, “And what do you mean by crazy? Go scuba diving or something?” A scoff came out of me as I rolled my eyes at her and the absurd things she just let slip out of her mouth.
Lily laughed a little, her hands snaking to my garlic bread again, “I don’t know. Go on a date with a stranger? Make someone kiss you under the stars? Say I love you to someone while you’re at the top of a ferris wheel? Be with someone.”
She said that as if it’s the easiest thing to do. As if I didn’t just come out of a 6 year relationship with someone 2 months ago.
“Lily, I’m newly single. I don’t know what I should do now. The things you said aren’t the easiest things to do." I said, confused by how she thinks that the things she said are easily doable. "And why the hell should I do that?" I scoffed.
It's just fucking crazy, fucking absurd. But maybe I'm more crazy... because I'm waiting for her reason.
“Because…. because you only live once, and you only die once too.” Lily said, her eyes were comforting. My best friend is comforting. This is the only thing not crazy with everything that happened.
11:11 PM
I walked down the pathways of central park, the early summer breeze greeted me with such warmth. Walking at night has always been my thing, one that I get to hold, one I cherish — because during this time, I am all alone. Not really alone, but it’s just me and my thoughts, the silent dreams I always think of in the bare slips of the moments, the quiet prayers I utter as my feet take a step forward.
I’ve always loved being alone. But not really being alone. If that makes any fucking sense. I hope it does — because right now, nothing makes any fucking sense, but I’m trying to carve one out. I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want to build a family with someone. I want to write books, to publish more meaningful articles. I want to live long enough to chase and create those dreams into reality — God, I have so many things I want to do, so many things I crave.
My peace was interrupted by a woman walking down the same path as I am, her hair is silver-white, donned into a short pixie-bob cut, and boy, is it immaculate but it was also in some kind of mess. She was in a camel coat tailored so perfectly you’ll think it was accustomed just for her, large sunglasses were covering her eyes as if it was refusing to create contact — refusing to build new connections. There was something so intimidatingly composed about her, that even now, with tension and thoughts written all over face — she still carried all of the weight so elegantly.
One of her hands was tightly gripping her phone while the other, surprisingly, was holding onto a leash and on the other end of that leash was a playful St. Bernard. I would’ve never guessed that this intimidating, composed woman is actually a fur mom! However, I can tell that she was having a hard time because her dog was so playful, it probably wasn’t matching the mood she had.
All of a sudden, a cute and energetic dog was in front of me as it waggled its tail, “Hello!” I said, crouching down to its level and gave it a pat on the head. It seemed to have loved it because I felt it rubbing its own head on my hands. “You’re such a good dog!” I warmingly said as I continued to give it head rubs.
“I’m sorry, she likes those. This dog is a fan of head rubs,” The white-haired woman said, now walking towards us. Her voice was crisp and composed, but it wasn’t as cold as I expected it to be. “Come on, Patricia. Mom had a long day.” She was softly rubbing the dog on the base of its tail, making its tail wiggle even more causing me to chuckle a little.
I smiled, “Hello to you, Patricia,” I said and stopped rubbing her head before standing up to face the woman I have been staring at since earlier. She has removed her sunglasses, making it impossible for me not to notice her eyes — they are blue. But once it catches light, they turn into piercing blue ones. Speaking volumes of longing, truth, ounces of misery and love. How can one’s eyes speak so much? “Hi, I’m Andy. It’s nice to meet you, especially your doggo right here.” I said, I did not reach out for a handshake anymore because she seems like the person who finds touching or handshakes absurd—unecessary— hence, I just waved my hand for a little “hello”.
Her eyes met mine once again, “Is Andy your real name?” Well, that wasn’t the introductory sentence I expected, but here goes nothing. I mean… who asks that to a person you just met?
“Actually… Andy is a nickname of mine. My name is Andrea… Andrea Sachs, but you know, people always call me Andy.” I explained before looking down at Patricia who was now circling around my legs. She really is an energetic dog, and I bet her mom is not thrilled about it tonight because she was gently and as softly, as possible, tugging at the leash to stop Patricia from moving a little too much.
The woman smiled a little, a shy one. Maybe she doesn’t want me to see it, but hey, I saw it. She smiles beautifully — how can I let that slip? “Well… hello, Andrea. It is nice to meet you too.”
“Why call me Andrea? I mean… People prefer Andy. Not that I will force you to use that name, but hey, I think I got a say on this?” I humored. It was a joke, of course. But still, I was curious. “Because the only times I was called Andrea are the moments that my mother decided that it was the best time to give me a scolding.”
“Because I am not people, Andrea. And at least now… you will hear that name but no scolding will be heard nor anger will be felt.”
That made me smile. There was this softness to it — that touch of warmth of something so unfamiliar yet so comforting.
“Let’s go, Patricia. It’s time to go home.” The silence that erupted between us was broken by her voice, “Come on now, sweet girl.” She said once again but Patricia was persistent. She kept circling my legs, as if saying to her mom that she still doesn’t want to go yet.
I saw how “tired” was written all over the woman’s face, hence I took the chance to offer what I can do best. “How about you sit here for a little while I walk Patricia? She seems persistent to walk a little more before going home, and I don’t want to assume too much, but you seem a little tired.” I said, trying to sound soft and understanding all at the same time.
“I see… but I wouldn’t want to hold you off more for the night. But thank you for your offer, Andrea.”
“No, no. It’s okay! I still don’t want to go home yet, and also… you haven’t said your name yet!” I exclaimed, a chuckle leaving my mouth. Well, it was true. She knows my name, but all I know is she’s Patricia’s furmom.
She scoffed, “If you really are persistent as she is, here you go…” The woman said, before handing Patricia’s leash to me and as if celebrating, Patricia wiggled her tail making me laugh again. “But I’ll walk with you.”
I looked at her as I began to walk, and to answer my wit, she began walking beside me and Patricia. “Hey, I’m not gonna steal your dog. I’ll just walk her, don’t worry.” A laugh escaped from me once again.
“I thought you wanted to know my name?”
She definitely got me there. She really got me there.
“Okay, Ms. I am not people, what is your name?” I humored, wanting to know her name.
She took a glance at me and another small smile appeared on her lips, “Persistent, aren’t we?”
“Of course I am, come on now, what’s your name?” I asked, eager to know her name — to know her, to see beneath her cold, quiet persona.
“I thought you wanted to walk my dog?” She said once again, it was as if I was feeding her already inflated ego with my persistence and eagerness to know her name, hence I decided to pause for the moment and focused on walking the very active dog who seems so eager to walk and explore the park.
We were enjoying the quiet, the serenity of being with someone but still holding down your peace, still holding down a fort you choose to put around yourself. But this time, that wall didn’t feel suffocating. It did not feel like a hard wall full of bricks, it felt as if I went home. As if I met someone so familiar, yet so strange I want to know her a little more.
“What’s going on in that mind of yours?” She asked, causing me to glance at her. She still had her glasses tucked on the pocket of her coat, making it easier for me to see her eyes — her beautiful, magnificent eyes. This woman may be thinking of so many things, but she looked heavenly perfect with that crisp white collared shirt and trousers, and those damn heels. Who can ever walk through central park on those red heels? “Will you keep me guessing?”
I chuckled a little, I don’t know whether she was visibly annoyed because I can feel that she is in the verge of giving me an eye roll, “I’m thinking of how beautiful you look even though you seem to be carrying half the world, and how are you not getting tired and bunions while walking on those heels and in central park?!” I babbled. Of course I did, because I was curious. Not just by her name that I still don’t know, but also how she can keep up with the most energetic dog while rocking those red heels.
“Persistent and bold. You keep surprising me, Andrea.” Was that a compliment? I’ll take that as a compliment. “And yes, I can wear these heels for a long time because this is what I practically do for a living.” She said, and that fucking surprised me. Is she like a model… or something?
“Wait… are you a model? Do they allow models to have shorter hair now? I mean, sure, they’re progressive now but wow… this is my first time seeing a model with white hair and it’s short!” I exclaimed. I was surprised, really. I hope you all will believe me.
An amused look showed on her face, but you wouldn’t notice it right away if you also did not stare at this woman for a couple of minutes like I did, “So… you don’t really know me, huh?”
I let out a small laugh, “Honey, I don’t even know your name. How can I know your job?” The endearment slipped out of my lips, but there was no regret that followed.
I slowly prevented Patricia from running and playing in the little water puddle by softly tugging her leash and guiding her on the path that me and her mom were taking, the white haired woman had also gone quiet but through my peripheral vibe sion I can tell that she was looking at me, the amused look still on her face but she wore it off the moment I tilted my head to look at her with a smile on my face. God, she is beautiful. She’s rewriting the standard of beauty and turning into the pages of reality. One that I so hope to touch.
“I know that’s not the only thing you were thinking of, Andrea.” Her voice was now low, but softness 5was still heard. It’s like being in winter with spring dawning itself.
“I was thinking about the fact that we were at exactly 11:11. And yes, I did check the time for because I write those things in my journal . Yes, I journal for fun, for stories I would like to look back on.” I said plainly, but I hope joy was still heard. That joy was still written all over my face, all over my tone.
Patricia stopped walking, indicating that she probably has had enough and felt tired because we may have been parading in half of central park. Hence, we also took a stop at one of the benches, and as soon as I reached it I immediately took a seat because my legs and feet were killing me. I moved a little to offer the beautiful human a seat beside me and to my surprise, she did sit beside me. It was moments later until I realized I was still holding Patricia’s leash, and so I handed it over to her, “Here you go, she seems tired already. Maybe a sign she’s now ready to go home.”
“What significance does 11:11 hold for you that you marked it with our meeting?” Curiosity was heard in her voice. A sly smile appeared once again, maybe because she found it absurd that I knew what time we met.
“Because 11:11 is like a moment for wishes, for hopes. It’s a time where you can utter your silent prayers, a chance to search for new hope. And most importantly, it’s the time we met and my journal will definitely know about this.”
“This meeting gives you hope, therefore, you will write it down in your journal? Is that what you are trying to say, Andrea?” She asked once again. But this time, her voice is quieter, as if I had just offered her something so new, something so genuine. “How can I offer you such a thing when you don’t even know who I am, Andrea?”
She said my name so beautifully that I forget how my mother would sound with so much anger whenever she would use it.
“I don’t know you, that’s true. But I know that you are beautiful. I know that you are human, and I’ll just believe that you are full of hope…” My voice got a little quieter, but it screams my intention “Just like I am.”
Her breath caught, and she looked at me. Really looked at me, and that was the first time somebody did that. She looked at me like I was something to hold onto, she looked at me as if I was the only artwork that existed in a museum dedicated to all the majestic things to ever exist. “That’s a unique tale for someone you just met,” softness still there in her voice. For a moment after that, she did not speak and neither did I, making silence our prominent distance. But it wasn't silence that could kill, it was silence that said many things.
I broke it by speaking once again, “It may be, but you’re just as unique in every way possible.” I looked at my wrist where my watch was worn, it showed 12:12 AM, it was Saturday now. “It’s getting kind of late. I should probably head home now.” I patted Patricia on the head then rubbed her fluffy body, “It was nice meeting you, Patricia. You’re such a good girl.” I said with a smile before standing up.
This may be crazy, this will definitely be fucking crazy. But who cares? Because what does the last 6 months of this year mean other than doing the craziest of crazies? As Lily said, you will only live a life once, “Hey, Ms. I’m not people, do you want to hear something crazy?” I asked, hopeful with the two fingers in my right crossed for added manifestation.
She laughed a little before standing up and guiding Patricia by the leash, “Do pray tell, what is this crazy thing I would wish to hear, Andrea?” She looked at me once again, and I would assume that this is joy. That somehow, she was also full of hope.
“Let’s meet again tomorrow. Right here. Then maybe we can grab dinner after?” If it wasn’t for my gathered confidence and composure, she would’ve heard my voice shake with so much nervousness. This is probably the second time I felt this nervous, next to the moment I told my parents that my boyfriend of 7 years and I have broken up because I wasn’t happy with him or us anymore.
The woman smirked a little, she took a step towards the other direction, “You want to hear a thing much absurd?” I perked up a little with a big grin on my face to indicate that I do want to know, and she might’ve picked up the hint, “I would meet you here. At 5pm, and then we can have dinner. Or probably a lifetime of it.”
A lifetime of it. That sounded much better. Much nicer. A lifetime — oh, to have one. I’d be on my knees, begging for one.
“Then that’s settled. I’ll see you tomorrow, Ms. I’m not people.” I smiled widely, taking a step backward to my own direction while facing her and Patricia and waving my hands, “Do not miss me too much.” I humored, gaining a shy smile from her once again.
“I’m Miranda, I live in and with hope. And no, I won’t miss you too much, Andrea.” Miranda said before turning her back but not before offering me a nod and smile.
And there they go. I continued walking towards the direction leading to 5th avenue when I saw them disappear behind greens, while I smiled like a fucking idiot who just met someone who would definitely be in my top list of crushes.
Her name played in my head the whole way home. How her eyes catched the light, how beautiful she can be whenever curiosity binds in her brain. How she can light up my whole life with just a sly smile. Everything about her spoke of hope, it spoke of things that are too beautiful to have other people allowed to destroy it.
Miranda.
You give me such hope.