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I stared at the water running across the plastic replacement of the window. The smudges and distortions making the ruined cityscape behind seem like a bad dream.
If only.
I heard you making coffee, prepping for when the kids woke up. Your face was scrunched in discomfort at waking up so early.
I didnt use my bugs in the kitchen anymore.
As the rain beat a pattern into the window, I could feel the tip-tap-tapping as you walked around below.
Imagine, Charlotte. Please, if you could.
Just for a night, maybe a day.
Just imagine that we could go back. One of us at the least.
I could see that smile on your face when you managed to complete the itinerary. I could see the peace in your eyes as you smiled at my back.
I could notice the problems.
I could see the future for just a moment, just enough, to fix them.
And I'd make them alright. I'd change it, I would rewind the play, start our date again, watch you sit down as Forrest took care back at base and just watch as I go again and again and again until I could get it right.
Imagine, Charlotte, as you make breakfast for the kids we love, that I knew how to turn back time. That I never messed up. That we never broke up.
Imagine, please. Oh please, Char, that I had the power to control the voices in my head. That I had the power to tell them all to shut the fuck up.
Please, I know I ask for a lot. As you prance about in that little apron I made you, the little flies and spiders jumping about in cartoonish patterns. Please. Please. Please. Just for a night.
Imagine if I never told a lie,
Imagine if I knew how to always get it right,
Imagine if I wasnt such a fucking coward,
Imagine if I had enough fucking courage, hidden somewhere in my heart to look you in the eye.
Imagine, just for the night, that we never broke up.
As you dance around to music I cant hear, as the rain runs down that facsimile of the past, I can hear the giggles and feel the warmth of the nostalgia in my heart.
"Okay", as I stepped away from that sad visage of a city, as I considered the words I'd say.
"We lost our love in a mess we made."
No, fuck, your heart is too big for some blame from me.
Dammit. If tomorrow were yesterday, I wonder.
I wonder if, when I saw your face…
Would you be a stranger in that crowd? Or would we be closer than friends from second one?
Would that be the beginning? Would this?
Or would this all be the long and winding road that takes us all the way around until the very bitter end?
"Fuck" my voice echoed in my nest, it felt so shallow, but…
Charlotte. Please. Imagine if we never felt that fear. If we were brave enough to never hide those stupid fucking tears.
Imagine…
oh…
"Imagine, Char, that I didn't have to worry about everything around me. That my sanity was actually here. Im sorry, I just got so caught up in the moment. I didn't even realize we were broken."
My voice was louder. Steadier. It echoed in that fake nest of mine. She moved her head, a single fly flew into the kitchen and landed on her hand.
If I could go back, for just a single fucking night? I would see the future, yes, yours. I would make it bright.
The fly tapped her hand, I'd waited for her to be between dishes.
Imagine if I knew how to turn back time.
She sighed, I know, I know. Im a bother and you dont deserve this but please Char.
Imagine what the world would be like, maybe
If everybody stayed in love.
If everybody stayed alive.
As she walked up the steps, coming closer and closer, I thought to myself.
'Oh, Charlotte.
If our life was a play, I'd rewind it back.
I'd watch your smiles and hit rewind to see just one more.
Oh, Charlotte.
If I could go back, just for a night? I'd have seen the future, and made yours bright.
Just Imagine, for a moment please, that I could go back in time.