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Would you still love me if I was a loon?

Summary:

Shane has to get is wisdom teeth removed.

When Ilya collects him from the dental clinic, he's still a little high on the pain meds.

Shane has some important questions for his husband.

Notes:

This idea came to me at 1am last night so I had to write it out before it destroyed my brain. It's basically just 1200+ words of fluff.

Inspired by the 'Would you still love if I was a worm?' internet trend.

Note: I'm not North American but I've attempted to use North American terms as that's what the characters would use. Apologies if I got any incorrect. I still used British spelling though (not sorry)

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Ilya walked through the doors of the rather fancy dental clinic and was met with the familiar, overly-clean smell that reminded him of hospitals. The young nurse stationed at the reception desk looked up from her computer and gave him a warm smile.

“Hi there, do you have an appointment?” Her voice was as sunny as her smile.

“Uh, no. I’m here to pick up Shane Hollander. I’m his husband.” Even after a year, it still felt odd to say it out loud. Before last summer they were still hiding from the world. Now they were out and married. And Ilya was now Shane’s primary emergency contact for his wisdom tooth extraction. Something that would be simple for most couples but for Shane and Ilya, it was still a bit surreal.

“Ah, okay. One moment.” She types rapidly on the keyboard in front of her, completely oblivious to the significance of the moment for Ilya. “Mr. Rozanov? Do you have some photo ID?” He nodded and handed her his American driver’s licence. She peered at it for a moment before handing it back. “What information were you given when we called you?”

Ilya frowned a little at the vague question. “That he was out of surgery and was ready to be discharged.” Between the two of them and their hockey injuries, Ilya had become very familiar with medical terms like ‘discharged’.

She cleared her throat. “So - the surgery went well. They managed to extract all four teeth without issue and blood loss was minimal. He has some facial bruising and swelling but this is perfectly normal after having wisdom teeth removed and it should go away over the next week or so. Shane is however having a bit of a reaction to the pain medication.” Ilya’s immediate worry must have been obvious on his face because the nurse’s eyebrows raised and her voice squeaked a little. “Oh, no! Nothing to be concerned about Mr. Rozanov. It’s just, well… he’s a bit out of it?” 

Ilya smiles. “Ah, I understand. He is - what is English phrase? - High as Sky? Like Kite?” His mind drifts back to Shane in the hospital after his collision with Marly. While it had been scary at the time, he can now look back on it fondly. Shane had been smiley and so sincere in his drugged state.

The nurse laughed. “Yes, he’s a little loopy. We wanted to inform you before you left with him as he might say things that are a little out of character. It should wear off in a few hours.” She collects a bundle of paperwork and a small plastic bag from a locked drawer. “This is Shane’s aftercare information and the bag has his painkillers and antibiotics with dosage instructions. I’ll need you to sign a couple of documents and then I’ll take you to Shane.”

 

𓅰 𓅬 𓅭 𓅮 𓅯



“IIlyyaaa!” Shane attempts to yell to his husband around all the gauze in his gums. Just as the nurse had told him, Shane’s face was bruised and looked a little swollen but it was difficult to tell when he still had the gauze in his mouth. 

“Last wound check Shane and then you can go home.” The nurse approached the chair and removed all the gauze from inside Shane’s cheeks. It was all various shades of pink and red. Ilya had to remind himself that it was all normal and that it probably looked worse than it actually was.

“That’s my husband.” Shane tells the nurse, pointing at Ilya. “We’re married. To each other.” The nurse tries again to open Shane’s mouth and check his stitches but he keeps going. “He loves me - you love me don’t you?” He looks to Ilya with tearful eyes.

Ilya can’t help but chuckle. He can see the nurse is also trying her best to hold in a laugh and remain professional. Unfortunately, Shane did not appreciate his enjoyment of the situation.

“Don’t laugh! This is serious! Does this mean you don’t love me?” he cried.

“Of course I love you moya lyubimyy. You are my one and only. My heart belongs to you.” His words seemed to settle Shane. “Will you please let the lovely nurse check your mouth? Then we can go home.”

Shane didn’t reply and instead opened his mouth wide with a loud ‘aahh'. Knowing his compliance wouldn’t last long, the nurse immediately stuck a depressor on his tongue and checked the stitching.

“Looks good - they’ve even stopped bleeding so I won’t have to put any gauze rolls back in. So with that Mr. Hollander, you are free to go.”

Ilya grabbed Shane’s bag off the side table and put the aftercare leaflet and painkillers inside before swinging it over his shoulder. Shane got out of the chair and immediately started swaying. Ilya held his arm to steady him and directed him towards the door. With a last smile and farewell to the nurses, they exited the clinic and headed for the car.

 

𓅰 𓅬 𓅭 𓅮 𓅯

 

Getting an inebriated Shane secured into a car was much more difficult than Ilya anticipated. In fact, he’d rather have solo wrangled all four Pike children into a car. As soon as they reached the passenger door of Ilya’s SUV, Shane snuggled into his side and went limp against him. Ilya practically had to lift him into the seat and wrestle the seatbelt around him to click it in. It took fifteen minutes longer than it should have but eventually Ilya was secured in his own seat and was driving them out of the parking lot.

They drove in silence for a while. The painkillers were clearly making Shane drowsy so Ilya was happy to let him snooze while they made their journey home. It wasn’t until they were on the highway that Ilya noticed Shane was watching him.

“Is everything all right sweetheart?” 

Silence.

“Shane? Are you okay?” Maybe the clinic had overdone it with the painkillers. Ilya was starting to get a little concerned.

“Would you still love me if I was a loon?” Shane blurted out.

 

...

 

.......

 

“...What?”

“A loon. The bird. Would you still love me if I was a loon instead of a person?”

Ilya burst into laughter. He had to quickly rein it in as he was still driving but the question had caught him completely off-guard. “But you are a person, moya lyubov. Why would you be a loon?”

“Maybe I was cursed by a witch and she turned me into one!”

“A witch? Shane, witches aren’t real. Nobody is changing you into a bird.”

“They are real! I’ve seen them selling spells on Etsy.” This got another fit of laughter out of Ilya. “It’s not funny Ilya! What if it really happened? You were scared of the loons. What if I was one and you didn’t want me anymore?” Ilya could see the tears welling at the corners of his husband's eyes. 

He stopped laughing.

“Shane. Solnyshko. You are my husband, the only person I have ever been in love with or ever will be in love with. I would have you however I could. If that meant loving a scary Canadian wolf bird, then I would. Although, you would not be so scary, you would be beautiful.” 

Shane began to smile again. A goofy, loopy smile. “Really?”

“Yes, really. But you are forgetting - I got a tattoo of a loon. I got it for you when we could not be together in public. It was my way of saying I love you. And I have come to like loons. I think I could adjust to having one as a husband.”   

Shane grabbed his free hand from the gearshift and intertwined their fingers.

“I would love you if you were a loon too.”

“Yes, I would be great bird husband. Would need a backyard pond though.”

Shane smiled and closed his eyes as the sun shone through the windows, their hands still locked together.

 

𓅰 𓅬 𓅭 𓅮 𓅯 Several uninterrupted minutes of silence later 𓅰 𓅬 𓅭 𓅮 𓅯



“Okay, but what if the witch turned me into Hayden.”

 

“No. I draw the line at being married to Pike.”

Notes:

I have seen many videos of people tripping balls after surgery and it makes me terrified of ever having to need anaesthetic. Not that surgery isn't scary enough but the lack of filter from my brain to my mouth would truly be terrifying. I would definitely say some unhinged shit.

Comments are welcome (I read them all)