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AN - Please see end for notes on Marmite in case you aren’t familiar with it. This story probably won’t make loads of sense if you don’t have any idea what I’m talking about.
“What’s that, Gav?” Ray asked casually as he walked into the communal kitchen to find his friend delicately scraping something brown out of a jar on to toast.
“Marmite, mate,” Gavin responded distractedly, paying attention to getting an even coating right to the edges of each slice. His tongue poked out the side of his mouth in concentration, and Ray found himself shuffling closer to see what could possibly be so important to the usually slapdash Gavin.
“What’s Marmate?” The stuff did smell quite good, a sort of savory scent a bit like beer but nicer. He picked up the squat jar and stared at the traditional-looking yellow label, giving the blackish contents an exploratory sniff. Gavin’s eyes finally focused on him, with a sudden, wicked sparkle.
“It’s Marmite, and do you want to try some?” He grabbed a tablespoon from the drying rack and stuck it in the top of the jar, the bowl completely submerged. Ray looked at it warily. Gavin was willingly suggesting he tried something that was obviously a big deal to him, but his expression said mischief was afoot. He nodded warily, but instead of digging out a big scoop, he pulled the spoon out vertically so the bowl was coated but not loaded up. Gavin looked momentarily disappointed, but brightened when Ray stuck the whole thing in his mouth.
Instantly his tongue was flooded with salt and an overpowering yeastiness, the stuff coating the roof of his mouth like tar. It was revolting, and Ray immediately ran past Gavin (who danced back and forth in his way until Ray shoved him) to the sink to spit it out. After swirling his mouth out with water, he was left with a distinctive aftertaste that, mercifully, wasn’t entirely unpleasant.
“Oh my god, what the hell is that stuff?” he grimaced, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his hoodie. Gavin was laughing so hard he’d fallen on the floor and started rolling around clutching his stomach. Everyone else around the office ignored him, well used to his noisy hijinks. When he calmed down and wiped his eyes, he stood and slung an arm around Ray, who by this time was back to his usual stoic self.
“You either love it or you hate it, X-Ray.” He picked up a piece of his own toast and held it out to Ray. “Here, try this.” Ray shook his head, clamping his lips closed against the intrusion, but relented when Gavin pleaded, “Just trust me, Ray, this is tippy top, I promise.”
Ray reluctantly opened his mouth and let Gavin feed him a bite, somewhat surprised when he didn’t find the whole slice shoved in at once. The toast had gone a bit soggy and cold, but the flavors of melted butter combined with a much more reasonable dose of the Marmite was actually really delicious. Gavin watched Ray eat the morsel with an intense look in his eyes, clearly waiting for his reaction, and Ray took his time to appreciate it.
“It is good,” Ray acknowledged, nodding slowly. “Can I have a piece? After all, you fuckin’ owe me after that shit.” Gavin grinned and released Ray to grab the other slice of toast, putting it on a plate for Ray and passing it over.
“Oh, Marmite?” Geoff said, coming into the kitchen. “Can I have some?”
“Fuck off, Geoffrey, my Mum sent me this! Cost her a bomb to post it.” Gavin said casually, grabbing the jar and following Ray back towards the Achievement Hunter office with it clutched protectively to his chest.
“But fucking Ray gets some?” Geoff called after them. “That’s nice.” He started muttering about bringing British pricks into the country, feeding them, housing them...
“Ray’s my boy. X-Ray and Vav!” Gavin shouted back, the arm not holding the Marmite waving in the air. “Ray,” he continued in a conversational tone, “would you eat a whole jar for 500 quid?”
“Yeah, talk to Michael,” Ray said as they reached the doorway to their office, munching on his toast happily.
“Talk to Michael about what?” Michael said, looking round at them as they came in. “Ray, what’s that you're eating?”
X-Ray and Vav looked at each other delightedly. Operation Marmite was go.
AN - Marmite is a traditional British spread made from yeast, and was originally a by-product of the beer industry. It is absolutely delicious in small quantities (as long as you like it), but disgusting and overwhelming if you have too much. I love it, but I’d never eat so much as a full teaspoon’s worth on its own. As far as I’m aware, it’s very hard to get hold of in America, and, along with proper teabags and irony, is one of the things many Brits say they miss when they’re living in another country. Its marketing slogan is ‘you either love it or you hate it.’ Vegemite is a similar idea, native to Australia, while New Zealand has its own version.