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✶♫⋆ Song to listen to as you read: Mystery of Love - Sufjan Stevens
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“May the lord be with you, and with your spirits, amen.”
The sound echoed throughout the large church. Family’s gathered all together to show their true devotion to Christ. Currently, everyone, including his family, was kneeling down, silently praying. Ni-ki kneeled as well, however he was not praying. He looked around at the faces around him. To his left far away, Mrs. Lee and Mr. Lee, along with their son Heeseung, all looked deep in their prayers. To his right across the church, he saw even more familiar faces, family friends, classmates, relatives, his friends, all preoccupied on their current prayers.
Ni-ki had gone to church his whole life, yet he never whole heartedly believed. He always felt guilty for that. He believed he would go to hell if he didn’t believe in God, yet no matter how hard Ni-ki tried, he always ended up doubting in God’s existence. His whole life, he had no one to talk to about this, as everyone around him believed and was feared of being judged, or worse— getting kicked out. There were crosses hung up on the walls of his family’s home, a silent reminder that “God was always watching.” Not only that, he went to a school specifically for Christians. Everywhere surrounding Ni-ki was a reminder that he would be going to hell, and there was no way to escape it.
Shortly, everyone got up from praying. One by one, families started to exit the church. Ni-ki’s family was one of the most well known people in their town. Everyone knew them as the Nishimura’s: friendly, faithful, and approachable. Ni-ki sometimes felt that the fact he had to live up to that standard of the way people saw his family was exhausting. Friendly? Sure, he could do that. Approachable? I mean, yeah, Ni-ki considers himself approachable. Faithful? Yeah, his whole family is. But, Ni-ki? He was like a black sheep disguised as a white one. He obviously is the odd one out, however, he must disguise himself. No matter how much he desperately wanted to be his true self— a non believer, free, not worrying about the wrath of god or going to hell. However, he could absolutely never be that.
As his family piled into his parent’s car, Ni-ki couldn’t help but drift off to sleep. The sound of rain hitting the car and falling down the window, and his dad’s loud rock music were the perfect combination for sleep apparently. As he slept, a dream, or better fit— a nightmare, took over his unconscious state.
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“Hey mom, dad. I have something to confess.” Ni-ki spoke, hands in his lap, sitting across his parents.
“What’s wrong, dear?” His mom said.
His gaze looked everywhere except his parents. His eyes landed on a cross hanging from the wall, and he turned away immediately.
“I…” Ni-ki managed, “I think- no, Im certain. I- I don’t believe in God.”
“You what?” Ni-ki’s dad said. His knuckles turned white as he held them into fists on top of his thigh.
“I don’t believe in-“
“NO SON OF MINE WILL LIVE HERE WITH THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOUR. GET OUT.” Ni-ki’s dad stood up abruptly, yelling at him.
“What?” Ni-ki said, visibly shaking, looking like a kicked puppy.
He looked at his mom for any sign of comfort, regret, anything. All she did was stare at her finger nails with glossy eyes. Ni-ki knew she wouldn’t say anything, no one ever stood up to his dad. All his mom could do was cry and hope his dad didn’t see or hear her. In a house with the Nishimura’s, it was best to stay silent when Ni-ki’s dad was angry.
“YOU NEED ME TO REPEAT MYSELF? GET OUT.”
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Ni-ki woke up with a quiet gasp, almost jumping out of his seat, then getting pulled back by his seat belt, which he was suddenly grateful for. Luckily, neither his sisters or parents noticed. His older sister, Konon, was staring out her window with headphones on. There was a gap between the seats about the size of a single seat. As for his younger sister, Misora, she was in a seat behind them, clicking away at her phone. His parents were absorbed in a conversation as his dad drove. It was just a nightmare Ni-ki, he thought to himself, calm down.
When they got home, Ni-ki’s nightmare kept replaying in his head. Through dinner to before he fell asleep, all he could think about was that nightmare. Yes, he knew it was just a nightmare. But he knew that if he ever did tell his parents his confession, that nightmare would quickly become his reality. A reality that he couldn’t escape by waking up.
There was no running from his confession— whether it haunts him in his nightmares for the rest of his life, or it becomes his reality. The guilt will eat him alive, until the day he dies.