Work Text:
To; The One who Understood Me.
Everyone knew me as the weird one, they called me “alien” and “4D”. They said I was “extra”, crazy, over the top. Even though I often said I didn’t like being called those things, that they made me feel uncomfortable, it never stopped them from saying it about me anyway. It hurt, a lot, and sometimes I found it hard not to snap.
People expected me to be happy all the time, always smiling and laughing, a ball of sunshine. It was a hard façade to keep up with, wearing a mask became more and more common for me, until I never showed my true feelings on camera.
Sometimes my composure cracked, when I was too tired to keep up the happy persona people came to expect from me. Fans would write under the video “Is V ok? He seems so sad” or “What’s wrong with Taehyung today? He doesn’t seem like himself”. Truthfully though, on the days where I was dull like that, they were the times my true emotions were showing.
I was not the bright smiley person everyone thought me to be, I was slowly becoming more and more depressed and pessimistic about everything. Even the other members started to worry, trying their best to cheer me up, but nothing worked, I was trapped in a never ending downward spiral.
That is, until I first met you. We were out filming an endorsement, nothing too big just an ad for a food company. I was feeling quite low that day, after reading some mean comments about myself on our most recent video. But when we arrived at the building where we were going to have our brief, I looked up to see you standing behind the director, looking so peaceful. I felt the heaviness in my heart ease just a little.
The director announced our teams for the shoot and then introduced us to everyone that would be working with us today. He never mentioned you. We started our filming and although I smiled for the camera it was a mask I wore yet again. But then when I saw you watching our shoot from behind all the staff, my smile became more real.
We took a twenty minute break half way through shooting so we could have something to eat and drink. I saw you talking with our manager in hushed tones, you had a determined look on your face and it made me very curious. Suddenly you turned to look over at our table and caught me watching you, I immediately stared down at the table, and I could feel my ears going red from embarrassment. Maybe because I was so caught up in my own self depreciating thoughts was the reason I didn’t hear you approach the table. When you called my name I jumped straight up.
“Kim Taehyung?” you enquired softly, after seeing the terrified look on my face. I nodded, my mouth to dry to speak. You gently asked if I would please follow you, and my heart stuck in my throat. Your voice was like warm chocolate, so sweet and smooth. As you turned to walk away, I felt someone pulling on my sleeve. Jin-hyung looked at me with concern, but I just smiled slightly and shrugged my shoulders, then began to walk after you.
I followed you outside the cafeteria and towards the shooting site, I was a few paces behind but I could sense you were nervous about something. When we reached one of the benches we were filming on, you stopped abruptly and I almost walked straight in to your back. We were the same height, but you still seemed smaller than me somehow. Maybe it was because the jumper you wore looked a few sizes to large, or maybe it was just your soft presence.
You turned to me and looked me straight in the eye, and asked if I trusted you. It was such an outright question, I didn’t even know your name, but somehow I felt I could trust you with anything. I inclined my head to show yes, and relief washed over your face, changing your features to give an angelic look of purity. I couldn’t help but sigh at the beauty before me.
We sat on the bench and you told me your name, and said you were related through marriage to the photo-shoot director. He had brought you along without telling you why, but then our manager tracked you down and told you that he and other staff were worried about me. I was confused, why would they tell you this? You shrugged and simply said that your family all believed you had some great soul healing abilities or something like that. As you said this you put on an attempted mystical voice and made wavy hand gestures toward the sky, it was such a strange and wonderful sight that I felt my lips forming a real smile. When you saw this you then smiled, and that was the moment my world began to turn around for the better.
Your smile was pure sunshine, warmth and love and acceptance radiating from your face. It seemed like the world got a little brighter when you smiled and it was enough to begin the process of healing my heart.
Then you began to talk, telling stories of no significance but that were still very entertaining. Wild tales of childhood adventures, obnoxious classmates and high on life people you met in the strangest of places. Your voice was like a soothing melody and your expressions and gestures became increasingly animated as time went on. I really couldn’t say how long we sat there, it might have been five minutes, it could even have been an hour, but I didn’t care. All I knew was that the tension in my body and the weight on my heart had almost completely disappeared by the time the director called for us to start shooting again.
You flashed me a cheeky grin, when we made our way back toward the staff, one that promised more crazy tales were yet to be told.
As we started filming again I found that the smiles I had been forcing before now came freely, I laughed at the terrible jokes of my hyungs and the ridiculous antics of Jimin and Jungkook as they messed around like naughty school children. I could feel your warm gaze on me as we wrapped up the shoot and thanked all the hard working staff.
Suga-hyung put his hand on my shoulder and showed a gummy grin as he told me I done well today, and I heard the photographer complementing my photos as he showed them to Namjoon-hyung. Then all of a sudden I felt a gentle pressure on my wrist and I saw it was you, silently tugging me away from the crowds of people. I followed without question, trusting you completely. When we were just out of earshot of everyone, you gave me a piece of paper with your number on it, you told me that you were only going to be in Korea for another week before you were going somewhere else for college. You insisted that we meet up at least once more before you left, and although you were speaking formally, it felt like you were giving me an order rather than making a request.
I promised you we would go out for something to eat in the next few days, and you made me raise my hand and say it as an oath. When I finished you giggled, the sound was like bells tinkling in a summer breeze, and so I giggled too. Hosek-hyung came to find me and found us both sitting on the ground clutching our stomachs, laughing as if we had heard the funniest joke in the world. I had tears of joy in my eyes as I left you that day, and it was the first time I had felt so carefree in the longest time.
The next few days were hectic with practice and other schedules, but we kept in contact, you sending me ridiculous photos and derpy selcas, while I replied with awful puns and an overload of emoji’s. The others started to notice I was cheering up quite a bit, and I found myself able to make jokes and pull funny faces with them once more. I don’t know how you managed to change me with only one conversation, but your family were definitely right, you were a healing balm for my mind and soul.
We met up for lunch one drizzly afternoon, it was dull and cold but when I saw you it seemed like the warmest and brightest of days. You had booked us a table in a quiet café, and it was so serene and peaceful, everyone was very respectful and gentle with us. As we drank tea and ate stew you talked more about yourself, true stories this time about your dreams and aspirations. In turn I told you more about me, my family and hobbies, my other members and our lives as idols.
Somehow the conversation turned towards my feelings of sadness and the character I created for myself on stage and with fans. You just sat quietly and listened to me rambling on, not interrupting or trying to tell me how I should deal with these things, you just waited until I had everything off my chest and into the open. And only then did you speak, your voice had a layer of care and softness I had not heard before. Your words were exactly what I needed to hear, but you were not saying them because that’s what you thought I wanted, but rather because you truly understood what I was feeling.
You then opened up about your own experience with the same feelings I was having, and you talked me through everything you felt at that time. It was hearing my own words from your point of view, and it showed me I was not alone with these emotions. It was a weight off my shoulders, one I hadn’t even realised I was carrying. I am so grateful to you for that, I don’t think I showed you enough of my thanks.
The conversation did not become awkward after our confessions, but rather I felt much closer to you and was able to share much deeper things. Soon though it was time for us to leave, I had to get back to practicing and you had papers to sort out for your college admissions. The rain had stopped when we walked out of the building, and although the sky was still overcast I was seeing everything in a new light. We parted ways a little further down the street, and you asked if you could give me a hug. I didn’t answer but instead wrapped my arms around you and held you tight to my chest. Your scent was like what I thought rainbows would smell like, bright and happy, I never wanted to let you go.
But we did break apart, and you made me promise again that we would meet once more before you left. I nodded vigorously, not trusting my voice to speak for me. As I watched you walking away, I realised that I was falling for you, hard and fast, but I didn’t want to stop. You had somehow managed to take my feelings of sadness and desperation and release them from my heart, instead replacing them with a content sense of joy and worth.
It was the night before you were due to leave that we met one last time. My practice had run on later than expected and I ignored the calls of the other guys as I sprinted out of the room, racing to see you. You stood under one of the street lamps outside the restaurant, the light casting shadows on your face that only stood to highlight your outstanding features. I had met plenty of beautiful people in my line of work as an idol, Jin-hyung and Jungkook being just two examples close to home. But there was something breath-taking about the way you held yourself, so strong and composed, yet at the same time being so natural.
It was completely impulsive when I leaned in to kiss your cheek, not being able to hold myself back. You looked stunned for a moment, before blushing deeply and giggling at the ground. We went inside the restaurant and enjoyed an incredible meal, made even better by the crazy abstract conversation we held. It was only as the night drew to a close, and you were crying tears of mirth at my story of the time Namjoon-hyung had dressed as Sailor Moon, that it hit me. This was the last time I would see you, for who knows how long.
I felt a lump form in my throat, and tears began to prick at the corners of my eyes. I swallowed hard and told myself I would not bring sadness to this amazing evening, you deserved all the happiness in the world and that’s what I intended to give you. We finished our meal with thanks and left together, huddled close to stay warm in the cool night air. It was late, but we walked slowly, continuing to talk about anything that came to mind.
We stopped outside your apartment, I had called for a taxi to come collect me and you insisted on waiting with me until it got here. Somehow, despite my hard work to keep the sadness from my face, you could tell I was upset. You told me that there was no need to hide my emotions, I was not a robot and I didn’t have to be happy all the time. I was only human after all, and no matter what people said, I was the most important person to me. If I wasn’t happy, then I shouldn’t force a smile, it was not good for my mind or my soul.
Again, you understood me perfectly, saying the words I needed to hear to heal me. As the taxi pulled up that was going to take me away from you, we embraced again, squeezing even tighter than the last time. You tilted your head up and gently kissed my forehead, it sent tingles racing down my spine and left a warm glow inside me. You looked me straight in the eye, yours sparkling like stars, and made me promise that we would see each other again. I promised, but it wasn’t enough, you held out your hand, baby finger raised, and made me pinky swear on it.
I laughed with tears in my eyes as we swore we would meet again, it felt so ridiculous and childish, but yet it meant so much more. We hugged briefly before you gently pushed me towards the waiting car. As I shut the door behind me and pulled off, waving goodbye through the window, I will admit I felt a sense of loss. But that was soon replaced with the feeling of love and warmth as I saw a text from you come through.
“Always be yourself Kim Taehyung, no matter what people say to you. And never forget, being ordinary is boring, and normalness leads to sadness. Stay happy, stay weird, stay V <3 xxx”.
I smiled like a dummy as I read it a million times over. You loved me for who I was, and I finally felt like I could fully accept myself.
Now as I sit here in the airport, waiting for your plane to land so I can wrap you in my arms after such a long time, I think about the difference you made to my life. I have been so much happier not having to act and hide myself behind a mask the whole time. You freed me from the chains of expectations, and I cannot wait to see you again so I can truly show you my gratitude.
From; The One who Loves You.
P.S I have saved all the selcas you sent me this past year and I made them in to a collage, I hope you don’t mind, but looking at your dorky face always makes me smile.