Chapter Text
Of course, I was happy for him. Why wouldn’t I? He was my best friend and he had finally gotten what he wanted the most. The love of the two he loved the most.
Why couldn’t I have that?
Oh, I know. Shouyou actually dared to tell them. While I… I’m just too scared.
It was not like I had the exact same problems as him. While he loved both of them, I only had my eyes on one of them. That sounded so wrong.
I didn’t want to break the relationship they had. They were absolutely adorable together – everyone who knew them thought so – and if I were to join them… Why did I even think about that? That’d never happen.
“Tobio-chan? Are you okay?” Akira, the owner of the bar I often visited, placed a glass of milk in front of me and pouted when he heard me sigh. “You have it that bad?”
I shook my head and thanked him for the milk. “I don’t know. I think I should be happy, actually.”
“About Shou-chan?”
“Yeah. At least he got what he wanted.”
“Then why don’t you just confess, too?”
It was a good thing I hadn’t taken a sip of my milk yet because I would’ve choked on it. “No. No way. I absolutely can’t do that.”
I stared at the shelf filled with all kinds of glasses behind Akira. I could confess, have my heart broken and move on. Maybe it’d be better like that. I could forget about him if I knew he really didn’t have interest in me. I could find someone else to love.
He’s simply too cute. Too nice. Too caring. I couldn’t possibly forget about him. We were studying at the same university, so it was not like I could just ignore him. Besides, Tanaka would mention him at least once a day. Why was a question to me also. And if it was not him, it would be Nishinoya, who stayed next door.
“You’ve fallen hard for the guy, huh.” A grin spread across Akira’s face. “Shall I help you? I have a few very successful…”
“No, thank you.” He laughed and went on to help another customer. I knew I couldn’t do it by myself. If I didn’t get help, I would remain in this state forever. But did I care? Like this, I could observe him. Get to know more things about him. Get to see him smile. Smile because of someone else, but his smile…
“You still there? Shouldn’t you go back to your dorm?”
“Wah, of course! Sorry Akira-san, will be seeing you!”
Running back to the university, I realized I forgot to drink my milk. What a waste.
“Kageyama! You’re finally back!” I avoided Tanaka’s hug-attack and walked straight to my room. “Oi, Kageyama! Are you on your period or something?”
“Will you just shut up?” It was silent at the other side of the door. “S-Sorry, I shouldn’t have said it…”
“Nah, it’s fine, dude. But, what do you want for dinner? Taketora is cooking.”
Great. That basically meant burnt meat. “I’m fine with everything as long as the meat is not burnt.”
“Gotcha.” I listened to his footsteps gradually growing quieter until I couldn’t hear them anymore. After having dumped my books on my desk, I flopped down on my bed. The familiar squeak made me sigh. I used to have sleepless nights because of that stupid squeak.
Kageyama Koushi… Wait, where did that come from? It sounds kind of cute, though… Kageyama Koushi. Or Sugawara Tobio. No, Kageyama Koushi for sure. Although Sawamura Koushi… No, no, no. But it was the truth. I bet once they’re done with their studies, they move to a country where gays can marry and do so three days – maybe even less – after they had arrived. I’d love to be there. Just to see his smile.
Sadly, the meat was still burnt that night. The salad Yamamoto made tasted fine, though. If I were hungry, I could grab some instant noodles.
“You know what Shouyou texted me?” Nishinoya grinned and grabbed his phone. The grin grew wider when he showed us a photo. Of Shouyou. In bed (covered by the blanket) with Kuroo and Bokuto and a huge smile on his face.
“He did it?” Tanaka suddenly screamed and jumped up from his seat. “Our dear son is growing up so fast…” he said and acted as if he was crying. “Heh? Kageyama, where are you going? You haven’t finished…”
“I don’t feel like eating anymore.” I felt disgusted. Wait, no, that’s not the right word. I honestly didn’t know how I felt. I wanted to cry, but also scream out in anger. A small part of me was happy. Another felt jealous. Why did he text Nishinoya, by the way? I was his best friend, right? He promised to keep me up to date with his relationship. I should’ve been the one who got that photo. Not…
“Kageyama? Don’t lock your… dammit.” I heard Nishinoya sigh. “Um, I just wanted to tell you Shouyou planned to send you the picture, but accidentally clicked on the wrong contact. If you don’t believe me, I can show you the message…”
“No, it’s fine. I believe you. Thanks for telling.” My voice cracked at the end.
“Are you okay?” Second person who asked me that day.
“I guess so. I just need to be alone for a while.”
“… Alright then. We’ll leave some meat for you, for if you decide you’d like to continue your dinner.”
“Thanks.” Not like I wanted burnt meat, but it was nice of them. It didn’t happen often that they were this nice. It was not like they were the worst roommates to have (technically Nishinoya and Yamamoto were not my roommates but they might as well be). They pissed me off from time to time, but they cared about me. They made sure I ate enough and got plenty of sleep. In favor, I reminded them of their studies.
In one and a half year, Sugawara would graduate. After that, I couldn’t see his smile anymore. Shit, why did I think about that… A tear fell. Soon, more and more rolled down my cheeks. Dammit, Shouyou. Dammit, Sugawara. Making me feel miserable like this. Tanaka and Nishinoya were together. Or, well, together… Even Yamamoto managed to get a girlfriend. It’s not like he wasn’t attractive or anything, but… you know… I just wanted to be loved like they loved each other. Sharing little kisses, holding hands when walking together or hugging each other when one of you was feeling down. I just wanted someone, Sugawara, who would hold me like they hold each other.
“Kageyama! Shouyou called me, he wants to speak to you. You didn’t pick up your phone, so…”
“Tell him I’ll call him.” Nishinoya shuffled away from my bedroom door as I searched for my phone. It lay under a pile of books, and because it was on silent mode I didn’t hear it. Quickly I dialed Shouyou’s number.
“Hey, sorry I didn’t pick up sooner.”
He laughed before he answered. “It’s fine. Looks like you didn’t read my message either.”
“What message?”
“If you’d like to come over this Saturday. I haven’t seen you in two weeks! I’d like to catch up on stuff, you know?”
He never failed in putting a smile back on my face. “Sure, I’ll be there. How does ten o’clock sound?”
“Great! Ah, have to hang up now, have to go to work. Bye bye!”
“Bye.” I hoped Akira wouldn’t tell him how bad I looked that afternoon. It’d save a lot of questions Saturday.
“Hey! Akira-san told me something was up,” was the first thing he said after I had given him a hug. “You seemed to look a little down… are you alright?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Shouyou slightly tilted his head. The kid could see right through me. “It’s nothing big, so don’t worry.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t want to know. Shall we head inside?” I agreed to that, and while holding hands he led me to his room. His university was smaller than mine but it was easy to get lost in. “Kuroo-san and Bokuto-san aren’t here today. What would you like to drink? We don’t have milk, sorry,” he added with a chuckle.
“Just water is fine.” He held up his thumb as an okay-sign and disappeared in the kitchen. I sat down on the couch and looked a little around. It hadn’t changed the last time I was here.
“Here.” With a nod of my head, I thanked him for the water. “So, do you want to tell me?”
“I already told you, it’s nothing…”
“You say that all the time.” Something in me told me something was off. I then noticed Shouyou’s furrowed brows – was he angry? “As your friend, I want to help you, you know? I can’t do that when I don’t know what you’re struggling with.”
In a sense, he was right. He was always there for me, I was always there for him. But I felt like this was something I had to do alone, although I also knew I couldn’t do it on my own.
“Is it about the one you love?” He smiled at my reaction. “I don’t think you ever told me who you are in love with.” He winked multiple times and laughed when I looked away with red cheeks.
“Indeed, I haven’t.” A hand crept up my leg. “Do you want to know it that badly?”
“Of course!” His eyes sparkled like a little kid who was about to get a new toy. He looked adorable at those times.
“It’s…” I sighed. Would it be smart of me to tell him? His hand slipped under my short and oh god it was cold –“Sugawara-san!”
“Already thought so.” The cold disappeared, the smile didn’t. “It’s pretty obvious, you know?”
“It is?”
He nodded. “When you talk to Suga-san while Daichi-san stands next to him, you completely ignore the poor guy. You only have eyes for Suga-san. And if you’re alone with Suga-san, or so I heard,” he winked, “you turn red like a tomato. I’m not that dumb, Tobio. Even I can put one and one together.”
Then why, if it’s that obvious, has Sugawara said nothing about it? To not hurt my feelings? My feelings are hurt either way, so it wouldn’t matter.
Someone knocked on the door. I looked at Shouyou but he seemed not to know who it could be. When he opened the door, he let out a surprised gasp.
“Kuroo-san, Bokuto-san! I thought you were gone for the whole day?” Oh, great.
“Have you looked outside? The weather’s horrible. Or, do you perhaps have something to hide from us?” Kuroo asked. I heard Shouyou squeal and saw a pair of feet fly through the air.
“No, but I invited Tobio over!” Hearing him pronouncing my name in such a happy manner made me smile.
“Ah, Kageyama!” Bokuto waved and Kuroo smiled, trying not to let Shouyou drop. It was hard, as Shouyou moved around a lot, giving kisses everywhere. When Bokuto pouted, he got one also.
And I just kept on smiling. I was Shouyou’s friend, and I was happy for him. But somewhere inside, it hurt. I wanted that, too. Was that too much to ask for? Apparently.