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There were only three things you were sure of in your life. You knew that Xavier loved you. You knew that you loved Xavier. And you knew that you were dying.
So you knew the day was coming, but you didn’t anticipate it coming so soon.
You watched as the sun dipped lower. The sky was a brilliant blend of scarlet and lavender. You turned your head to look at your lover, only to be overwhelmed with extreme pain.
It burned. Every breath, it burned. There might as well have been a blade in your throat, the way it hurt so badly to breathe.
“Hey, don’t strain yourself.” Xavier’s words were soft.
It was those soft words that you had fallen in love with. His soft eyes, soft smile, soft heart.
It was ironic, really. How did such a soft person manage such a hard life?
You felt his fingers brush against your cheek, tracing the same familiar paths he had thousands of times before.
“No matter how many times it takes, no matter where you are, I will find you.” Xavier grimaced.
He was in pain. You wanted to tell him to stop, not to strain himself either.
A hot tear slid down your cheek, speaking for you.
You wanted to be strong for him too. And you wanted him to live. Not like the way he had been doing for the past few centuries. No, you wanted him to live for himself.
“Y… you can’t.” Words spilled out of your mouth, feeling like daggers in your throat.
It must have felt like daggers to him too.
“I will. I will always come back to you.”
“I know.”
And sadly, you did. You knew he would never stop searching the stars for you, he would never let you slip away from him. And although his life was draining from him, his energy depleted, his heartbeats slow, he would make sure he would spend every breath he possibly could with you. No matter what it meant for him.
You thought back to everything. The lives that you didn’t live, but were still yours all the same. The life you spent studying by his side. The life you spent sparring with him. The life you spent as his queen. The life you had just spent together, as coworkers, neighbors, lovers.
His eyes, which were usually filled with the sky and the stars, were filled with tears as he watched you.
These were the eyes that you would wake up to. You always woke up before him, watching him sleep peacefully. It was one of the only times he was at peace, and you didn’t want to disturb him. His eyes would flutter open, still heavy with sleep. He would pull you closer and grumble, “Five more minutes” before falling back asleep.
You were both creatures of habit. Routine would never get boring as long as it was spent with each other. Your sweaters would hang off the back of kitchen chairs, discarded once you got through the door. Your favorite chips would always stay stocked in the snack bowl on the coffee table, because he made sure you never ran out. Your toothbrushes sat neatly in a Bun Bun mug in the bathroom. There was a sign in the kitchen that you got as a gag gift.
That day, Xavier was out getting groceries. You took the opportunity to hang up the sign you had ordered the week before.
It was a custom sign with Xavier’s face on it. Blocky letters spelled out “BEWARE XAVIER”, because Xavier in the kitchen was a recipe for disaster.
He walked through the door, grocery bags stacked high above his face.
“Notice anything different?” You teased.
“Is that my shirt you’re wearing?” He placed the groceries down on the table.
“Hey! Not that.”
He pulled you close to him, leaning against the table. His arms wrapped around your waist, and he buried his face in your hair.
“Mm, is that new perfume?”
“New shampoo… but that’s not it!”
He pulled back, his eyes meeting yours. He gave you a quick peck on the lips.
“Did you eat strawberries, or is that a new chapstick?”
“Be honest, you just wanted to sneak a kiss from me.”
“Maybe.” He chuckled.
He glanced around the kitchen, eyes finally landing on the new sign.
“Hey!” He feigned offense, but the twinkle in his eyes gave away his amusement.
“This is your sign, quite literally, to stay out of the kitchen!” You joked.
“How can I stay out of the kitchen when I just bought the ingredients for a meat skewer recipe I saw online? You can’t mess up meat skewers, starlight.”
“Well yeah, maybe I can’t mess them up, but you sure as hell could!”
You coughed, thick, hot blood bubbling at the back of your throat. For a moment, you regretted building so many habits and routines with him. Your heart ached at the thought of him returning to the apartment you shared, filled with every trace of you– an apartment that would never see you again.
You didn’t remember your past deaths, but you knew Xavier was there. You knew this was not his first time watching you die. So it wouldn’t be his first time going back to a routine without you.
It hurt so bad. Your entire body was consumed by pain, making the very act of thinking difficult. It hurt knowing that you would forget Xavier. It hurt knowing he would be without you. It hurt so badly, knowing that after it all, he was still willing to bet on you.
His fingers tightened around yours.
“Xavier, I want you… I want you to live for yourself.” You choked out.
His brows furrowed. The corners of his lips pointed downward.
“I’ve lived so many years waiting for you. I’ve started organizations, gone through a hundred jobs, seen hundreds of planets. I’ve eaten foods that don’t even exist on this planet. I’ve done it all. And nothing compares to the time I get to spend being yours. I do it because I want to.” His fingers brushed away the tears on your cheeks.
It was nearly dark. The once colorful sky was beginning to dim, crimson and velvet streaks disappearing beyond the horizon.
You wanted to say more, but you could feel your strength slipping away. You wheezed, unwilling to give up yet.
“It’s okay. I’m here, it’s okay.” Xavier pulled you closer to his chest.
The corners of your vision began to darken.
“I’ll find you, starlight.”
And you knew he would. You would keep dying, and Xavier would keep betting on you. He knew he would lose, but the slight chance that he wouldn’t was enough to keep him going. Because you and Xavier were both losing dogs.