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The smell of the sea still faintly clung to Shizuru, just under the tobacco. She’d gotten wet from Yusuke’s and Kazuma’s brawl, and no matter what she tried she kept finding sand in odd places—the bottom of her pockets, under her nails, between her teeth.
They had a little celebration in honour of Yusuke’s long-anticipated return—drinks and whatever takeout they managed to convince underpaid delivery drivers to bring up the temple steps. It was funny when they placed the order, but it's hard not to pity them when they show up to the doors, soaking and heaving.
Shizuru slipped them an extra thousand yen, in compensation.
As the night stretched long, Genkai eventually had them—egged them—to stay the night at the temple, something about 'you've already showered and eaten here, you might as well go all the way and just sleep here too.'
Shizuru snickers, hunkering onto the veranda and shaking a stick and her lighter out the box, that old hag will do anything but be outright affectionate.
The familiar curl of the smoke brushed up against Shizuru's eyelashes, rising to ambiguous puffs in the glow of the moon. A burn spreads through her chest, and the twinge of her persistent aches fade to a muffle as the nicotine seeps into her blood.
Solace and quiet.
The door behind her slides open, the sound of laughter spilling out with the light silhouetting a figure. "Hah, thought I'd find you here."
Botan squats down to meet her eyes. "Too cool for karaoke, Shizu?"
So much for solace and quiet.
Shizuru exhales, giggling as Botan scrunches her face and waves it off. "Heya, angel. Just wanted some fresh air."
Botan settles beside her, leaning her head on her shoulder. "Smoke's anything but fresh air, but you do you." She sighs.
"Y'know, your brother's drinking with the others. Last I saw him, he was ugly crying on Yukina." Botan chuckles, "I don't think I've ever seen Hiei so furious, not since he jumped Tarukane."
Shizuru hums, "Mm, those days." She flicks the cigarette, "To think it's been three years since then, yeah?"
"You're not telling me something, Shizuru."
Botan shifts, reaching up to turn Shizuru's face to hers. "You're keeping secrets."
Shizuru chews on the cig, before shaking herself out of her grasp. "It’s nothing to worry about—really, baby. It's alright."
She tucks a stray lock of hair behind Botan's ear, but she's not swayed. She doesn't lean into her hand—she holds her gaze, the pinks of her irises softening to a pale and lovely lilac—unrelenting.
It shocks Shizuru, and she can't help but admit. "I... I got properly diagnosed. Not some bullshit either, I mean the real deal. "
"Wh- A diagnosis?" Botan startles, "I mean, why- why a diagnosis? I get you've been sick for a bit but, but a cold doesn't warrant a whole doctors appointment, right? I mean, it's.. it’s just..." She trails off, something dawning on her as she looks, really looks, at Shizuru.
Her eyes dart all over her, truly taking in how unkempt the typically put-together woman is; looser clothes, stringy hair, a drooping eyelid. "... It's not just a cold... "
Shizuru won't look at her.
"Shizuru." Botan's voice is strained. "What did the doctors say?"
She still won't look at her.
"Please, baby, what'd they tell you?"
"...Lung cancer."
She took a drag. "Small cell carcinoma, they said. Late stage. What to do, probably my cosmic karma."
"But.." Botan's voice is small, pitiful. "But there should be treatments right? You humans are so advanced now, surely you have technology- or! Or, even if it's not enough theres su-surely something Koenma- or even Kurama! Yes, Kurama maybe- maybe they can do something, anything-"
"Botan, angel." Shizuru cuts her off, taking her hand and squeezing it reassuringly, "You'll stumble over yourself at that rate." She brings Botan's hand to her mouth, kissing it. "Its ok. I’m ok."
"But it’s not!" Botan yanks her hand back, "It’s not ok, and neither are you! You can't just keep lying and, and—UGHH! And hiding this from us! From me! I-" Botan holds herself back. "You’ve known for some time already. Haven't you?"
Shizuru looks down to her feet, her hair shying her face away.
Botan presses on, getting angrier, "Lung cancer isn't really something that springs up in a week. How long have you known?"
There's a wisp of smoke that crawls through Shizuru's curtain of hair, "...Since saving the Seaman kid, got a cough a week after meeting him."
"Didn't go away no matter what, but I thought, ‘it's just common happenings’, y’know? Since I smoke." Her breath hitched, like something’s stuck in her chest, "Only about a year ago did I actually get it checked, during a mandate checkup before being hired."
"... Have you told anyone?"
Shizuru weighs her words, "No... not even Kazu." She sighs as she shifts, turning to look at Botan's shoes, "Admittedly, you weren't supposed to know either. I didn't want to distract you from your work."
Tears blurred Botan's vision, dripping onto her hands like the start to a summer's drizzle, "My work. My work is what worried you more. Not the fact you're dying?"
"My work isn't more important than you—I can take a leave from Koenma whenever I want, but you—you’re my girlfriend, Shizu, you're more important than anything." Botan wipes her cascade of tears, "You don't just get to decide for me whether I should, or shouldn't, worry. You don't get to put my work over us!"
She hiccups—the tears won't stop, "Do you think so little about us, that you'd hide the fact you're dying, from the grim reaper herself?"
"I’d chide you so much to quit, Shizu. If not for yourself, then, for me—at the very least."
“…I know. I’m sorry."
There was a pause, and Shizuru could almost feel Botan trying to fool herself into believing that lie. Into deluding herself to all this.
"You’re not. Not enough to stop. Not enough to let me save you."
Shizuru wouldn’t say anything.
She never looked back at Botan as she slunk back to the party, didn't bother stomping out the cig in her hand and running back to her.
Never bothered to make amends.
She stayed seated, watching the moths swarm the fairy lights strung through the trees, sipping smoke into her scarred lungs
That would be the last Shizuru would see Botan.
However, Botan would get to see her again one last time—years later, as she coaxed her lover's soul from her, looming over the hospital cot she died in.
Her soul was the same flaky brown as the tobacco in her cigarettes, its soft glow dripping through Botan's fingers.
Shizuru's soul weighed like her whole world.
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