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There’s a glass vase in Kyouya’s office.
If it’s sunny, sunlight streamed into the room, and the vase would cast colorful light. Ever since Kyouya came back to work at the school, he took the vase out of the cabinet and started putting flowers in it.
When Mudano first noticed the flowers Kyouya kept in his office, it was on an ordinary evening. School was over for the students, so he went to meet him and leave work together, just like he always did.
Mudano pushed the door open and walked in. The vase had been cleaned well and set on the cabinet by the window, right where he usually hung his umbrella. Sunlight fell on its surface, making it shine brightly like a precious treasure.
The vase wasn’t big and it could only hold a few flowers. Now inside were several big white lilies, and the flowers crowded into the small space, blooming. Muadno was still staring quietly at the flowers when Kyouya walked over. He saw that the pure white petals sparkled with tiny glistening spots, maybe fresh drops of water.
“Ah, Danocchi, you come here so early. Is something wrong?”
Kyouya spoke to him with a smile. His voice pulled him back to his senses, and Mudano turned his attention to him. The doctor had already sat back down at his desk.
“No, nothing much. Tomorrow's the weekend and I don't have any extra classes. I'll head over to your room tonight.”
Kyouya didn’t reply, just smiled softly. Mudano knew that was his way of saying he got it. Still, this was never something he needed to ask permission for. Even if he wanted to stay the night, he may also be happy to say yes.
“Do you like these flowers a lot?”
Mudano froze for a few seconds. Kyouya had already noticed he’d been staring at the flowers ever since he walked in.
“No, I'm just a little curious. It seems like ages since I last saw you grow flowers.”
“So that's how it is? I’m surprised that there are still things in this world that can arouse your curiosity, Danocchi.”
Kyouya turned around and gently touched the petals. The flowers swayed slightly, and their rich fragrance spread through the whole room like spilled water. The smell was so fragrant and sweet that Mudano was almost intoxicated.
“They’re white lilies, but I suppose you already know that. I was fond of them back in Kyoto. Somehow, every time I see them, I can’t help but think of you.”
Mudano frowned, while Kyouya’s hand had already left the lily.
“You’re stronger than anyone, yet kinder than anyone too.”
Kyouya said something that left Mudano confused, then shook his head. He closed his eyes and frowned, as if struggling to find the right words to go on.
“It's time to get off work. Let's go have dinner.”
The sun sank lower and lower, the sunlight turning a warm amber hue, and Kyouya’s words trailed off abruptly. Mudano knew there was more that he hadn’t said, but a touch of sorrow suddenly crossed his face. Unwilling to see his look so sad, he could only nodded and chose not to ask more. He walked over to the door and waited for the other man to take off his uniform and come over. Then, chatting casually as Kyouya smiled again, they left the place side by side.
Kyouya used to grow flowers in his office even before he started working here. Mudano had known this all along. He’d seen white lilies in the vase in his office, yet he was always far too busy to take care of them regularly.
Many times, when Mudano dropped by to visit him during his work trips, he would often find the flowers already wilted. Kyouya would then smile guiltily, pick up the faded blooms, and toss them into the trash can.
Back then, Mudano had always assumed they were his favorite flowers, so he never brought it up, and Kyouya never talk about it either. As time went by, they both seemed to have forgotten to talk about it.
What Mudano never expected was that, on this evening long after he first saw Kyouya taking care of his white lilies, he finally smiled and admitted he loved the flowers because they always reminded him of him.
In fact, the moment Kyouya said the first few words, Mudano had already caught the change in his expression. It was a fleeting trace of sorrow and hesitation. He couldn’t tell since when he had become like this. Sometimes they would talk about such things, but it had always left him lost for words.
And it was from that day Kyouya spoke those words that his office was always adorned with a bouquet of white lilies. Unlike before, they stayed forever in full bloom, forever fresh, as if the very first bouquet had never withered at all. On sunny days, the petals would catch the colorful light refracted by the glass vase.
Sometimes, when Mudano pushed the door open gently and stepped in before Kyouya noticed him, he would catch his gazing intently at the white lilies. He hung his head, his long eyelashes fluttering with every blink. That dreamlike sight always left him standing there, unable to move.
Before Mudano could gaze a few seconds longer, Kyouya would notice his arrival. He lifted his head to look at him, his gaze as gentle as he had always imagined. Yet in those moments, he could tell he’d worn a look of pain while staring at the flowers. Though it only lasted in that brief instant before he lifted his head, it was enough to pierce his heart with a sharp twinge.
As days went by, Mudano began to feel there was something wrong with himself. The blooming lilies just stood in silence, holy and fragrant. But, after he left, only a faint scent clung to his clothes. Before long, even that scent would fade away without a trace. No matter how beautifully the lilies bloomed when he looked at them, in the end, they would leave nothing behind.
Maybe, Mudano thought to himself, maybe he should leave something behind for Kyouya. Something... warm and passionate. Yet he could not tell what exactly he could give. More than once, he had doubted whether passion or love had ever existed within him.
Masumi once said that this is what love is. But, neither of them had ever spoken of such a thing. They seemed to understand all too well that it was a feeling with no answer, and so they both chose to keep silent about it.
Looked back, they never seemed to dwell on the very idea of love at all. War was like a broad and deep river. It lay between them, washing away all the words and feelings related to love, leaving them as if they had lost the ability to talk about and respond to it.
Even so, all these years, Kyouya had always been by his side. Mudano had come to realize that silence could change nothing, and some invisible changes had already taken place.
The white lilies in the vase have been replaced many times, always in perpetual bloom, and Mudano had grown used to hanging his umbrella right beside the flowers. Kyouya always smiled in front of him, just as the flowers stayed forever in bloom. To him, all of this had become a symbolic metaphor, something he finally realized he had yearned for all along.
When Mudano saw those pink roses in that flower shop through the glass, a sudden electric tingle ran through his whole body. He had to do something, and he knew exactly what to do. So he walked into the shop.
It was a tiny flower shop filled with roses of every hue. An elderly woman who looked like the shopkeeper sat behind the counter trimming the roses. As Mudano pushed the door open, the bell above jingled a few times. The woman glanced up at him, then lowered her head again.
Mudano looked around at the flowers in the shop, at a loss about what to do, and finally stopped in front of the counter. The woman seemed to notice his awkwardness and put down the scissors in her hand.
“Are you here to buy flowers?”
After seeing him nod slightly, the woman stared at him for several seconds.
“Who are these for? Your love, your family member or just a friend?”
Receiving no reply, the woman picked up her scissors again, seemingly ready to ignore this weird customer. Mudano just stood there, not knowing how to reply.
His love? If he didn’t overthink it, it seemed to fit their situation best, yet Kyouya had never once acknowledged them as couple. Mudano instinctively looked down at his hand and caught sight of the ring on his index finger, it was glinting faintly in the light. He brushed his fingers over it. It was warm and smooth, and it reminded him of the almost identical ring of Kyouya’s and the soft feel of his hair. He closed his eyes and sighed softly.
All at once, the woman smiled and set her scissors down on the counter again with a loud clink.
“You young people are really odd, you know? Take these. Five pink roses. Whoever it’s for will surely love them. And, don't forget to tell the person you love when you get back.”
On the way back, Mudano held the roses and protected them gently. At checkout, he insisted on no fancy wrapping, so the woman simply tied the roses into a loose bouquet with a pink ribbon. He took the flowers carefully, keeping them safe from being ruined by his students.
As Mudano walked in the office with the flowers, Kyouya was sitting there alone. The moment he laid eyes on him, a smile bloomed on his face.
“You're back, Danocchi. Are you coming over to my place for drinks again tonight?”
“Yeah.”
Mudano murmured absently, thinking Kyouya hadn't noticed the roses in his hand. Without hesitation, he held them out to him.
“The lilies in the vase are about to fade. Put these in instead, Kyouya.”
Kyouya’s smile froze. He looked totally at a loss, staring blankly at the pink roses in his hand.
“...Roses? Did you buy these?”
“I suppose they were. I passed by a flower shop in Tokyo and thought they’d look nice in your vase, so I brought them back.”
As Kyouya took the flowers, his hand accidentally brushed against his. Mudano noticed that his palm was burning hot.
Kyouya’s smile faded away. He turned around and replaced the lilies with the roses. Five fully bloomed roses, neither too many nor too few, fit perfectly into that vase. Mudano stared at him, suddenly recalling what the woman had said to him when recommending the roses. Had his longing for him been this obvious all along? Even an ordinary florist could see right through his heart?
“I'm truly glad to meet you too, Danocchi.”
Somehow, Kyouya didn’t turn back. His voice sounded slightly trembling. As he began to caress the petals of the roses, Mudano suddenly fell into thought. So many years had passed, and maybe there was hardly any reason left for his feelings to stay hidden. In the woman’s words, he had loved him for far too long. Could Kyouya be feeling the same love for him? Yet he was far too good at hiding his true feelings. Sometimes, even he could not tell what lay hidden in his heart.
Though dusk had fallen, the blooms seemed to glow softly in the vase. Kyouya arranged the roses neatly, and at that moment, an urge welled up inside Mudano. He took a step forward and called his name in a low voice.
“Kyouya.”
Kyouya turned his gaze away from the roses and turned around. Mudano reached out, pulled him into his arms, and kissed him softly.
In this silent kiss, Kyouya was startled at first, but soon relaxed and leaned into his embrace. He still had a smile on his face. Mudano closed his eyes, yet he could tell it was a sorrowful smile, so he reached out to brush his lips, wishing to wipe away that invisible grief lingering in his heart.
Kyouya never said he loved him, nor did he ever call him his love. But in Mudano’s world, there was his smile, his gaze, and the warmth of is body. All of these were equalled to love itself.
The war had robbed them of the courage to speak their love aloud. Yet something still lingered stubbornly, growing quietly, binding their hearts and souls together in an inseparable embrace.
“Kyouya, thank you for being with me all this time.”
The sun started to kiss the earth, night creeping near, as they kissed long and deep in the glow of dusk.