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Love is something Yujin doesn't consider himself an expert on. Hah, he's hardly an expert at anything. He likes to think he's good at dancing, decent at singing—if not, he wouldn't have gotten in the company, nor would he have had the chance to join Boys Planet.
But something as complex as love is something foreign to him.
It's a popular topic among them, though.
His classmates talk about having crushes. The boys talk about what they like about girls. And the girls talk about the boys they like.
Joining Boys Planet, people around him talk about the songs they love, idols they aspire to—apparently, that's a form of love too.
Yujin thinks of his parents, thinks of his dad buying his mom flowers. He thinks of his mom cooking his dad's favorite meal. He thinks that's love, right? Because what else do you call it when his dad looks at his mom with such strong emotions in his eyes, like she's the prettiest woman in the whole universe, even with no makeup and messy hair?
If that's love, then… when he sees Taerae stare at Jiwoong like he's a star in the heavens, is that love too?
Yujin doesn't know about love; he's heard of it, and he's seen it.
He sees it in the way Taerae's gaze follows Jiwoong's figure as they practice. He sees it in the way his gaze lingers, sees the way his ears flush when their eyes meet. Yujin sees how there's something swimming in Taerae's eyes when he looks at Jiwoong.
As if a love song is playing in the background, and not the on loop "Back Door" by Stray Kids.
If it's not love, then maybe it's admiration? Maybe that's it. After all, even he is mesmerized by Jiwoong. But is that all there is to it?
Yujin observes. He watches, during the early mornings, when Taerae approaches the older, asking for advice. He watches, during the breaks in the middle of the day, when Taerae hovers around the other, hesitating to get closer. He watches, during the nights when practice runs long, as Taerae stares at Jiwoong through the mirrors in the guise of practice.
He continues to observe, keeping a watchful eye. He sees them start to grow comfortable with each other. There's still an awkward air around them, even he can tell. But he can also tell that they've become… fond of each other.
Yujin starts noticing Jiwoong staring back. He starts seeing Jiwoong approaching the other, helping him with the parts he's having a hard time with. He starts noticing that Jiwoong stares when Taerae isn't looking.
After some ups and downs, they performed their cover of "Back Door" successfully. The team shares a group hug, and hopes of winning fill their hearts as they watch the G Group perform.
In his peripheral vision, Yujin sees Jiwoong squeeze Taerae's hand, assuring the younger despite his own hands shaking. Yujin sees Taerae squeeze back, smiling reassuringly.
After the performances were over and the voting had stopped, they were announced as winners, even getting the chance to perform on MCountdown. The group shares another hug, tears of happiness streaming down their faces as they celebrate their success.
Through Yujin's blurry eyes, he sees Taerae's gaze linger a second longer on someone he doesn't even need to look to know, and when he blinks away the tears, he sees that Jiwoong's gaze lingers too, just as Taerae looks away.
Yujin wonders when their eyes will meet and finally realize that they have always looked at each other the same way.
After the first round, they separate into different teams. Yujin talks to both of them often, well, more like they are the ones coming up to him, bothering him. But Yujin knows that it's the hyungs' way of checking up on him, and he may not act like it, but he genuinely appreciates their care.
Yujin doesn't see Taerae and Jiwoong in the same room that much anymore. He starts to think that maybe what he had witnessed back then was nothing akin to what people call love. Maybe it was what it was: admiration.
He gets busy preparing for the next round, this time it's different because he has to make a choreography. The pressure is even more intense; he has to live up to the expectations of the fans, his team, and especially, himself.
On the sleepless nights, he spends listening to the hustle and bustle of people with the same pressure he has, maybe even more. The noise comforts him; it's as if to say that he's not alone.
Some nights, he comes waddling to Taerae's room. How does he know where? That's easy, just follow the sound of strumming strings and echoing melodies.
Yujin plops on the older man's bed, ignoring the nagging of the older man as he presses him to play a song. Taerae rolls his eyes and sighs, but he strums the guitar either way.
He plays songs that Yujin isn't familiar with, sometimes he sings songs Yujin can sing along to, and sometimes, he sings melodies of songs from his heart.
Taerae Show becomes a thing in the dorm. People from other dorms come running to Taerae's room, as if bewitched by the melodies and harmonies. Yujin expects to see someone running, and he notices that Taerae expects it, too.
But after how many nights had passed, a shadow of his figure couldn't be seen.
So Yujin walks past his room, finds the lights off, and the faint noise of someone snoring coming from the room. He hesitates to go in, afraid to disturb. After a moment, he chooses not to enter, stepping away from the door.
But when he makes the first step away, just as the sound of Taerae's guitar echoes faintly from the room ahead, Yujin also hears something from the dim room.
Humming.
Someone is humming along to the song of Taerae's guitar.
Yujin pauses in his tracks, then continues to walk away. As he enters the room where Taerae is surrounded by people, listening to his tunes, Yujin wonders why Jiwoong did not come. Especially when he's humming along from his bed.
After a while, Yujin comes to a conclusion. Maybe it's the same reason why Jiwoong stares only when he knows Taerae isn't looking.
Time flies, and it's the third round. Yujin survives, and he finds that he's in the same team as Jiwoong again this time. They've grown closer and closer over time. To him, Jiwoong is that hyung who eases the tension with jokes, the hyung who laughs a lot, the kind of hyung that Yujin wishes to spend more time with.
Even with fewer people, Taerae still hosts his nightly shows. He doesn't lose his smile, lips wide and dimples on display, and Yujin watches and listens to him play the guitar.
At some point, Jiwoong had started to pass by the room during these moments. Sometimes, Yujin would see him pause by the door, sneak a glance before walking away. Sometimes, Yujin would still hear someone humming along to the sound of a guitar, and he doesn't need to check to know whose voice it is.
Yujin sometimes sees Jiwoong and Taerae pass by each other in the cafeteria or around the dorms. He doesn't see them together often, so he wonders, with the amount of time that has passed, how is it that Taerae still looks at Jiwoong the same way? And how is it that Jiwoong still waits until Taerae looks away before his eyes linger?
The third round is over. Yujin Survives. It's finally the finale, the long-awaited final battle, before it'll be determined whether or not he sheds tears of sweet victory or the bitterness of regret.
He, Jiwoong, and Taerae are on the same team again, just like how it was from the start. Despite it being the finale, he ironically feels like they're brought back to the beginning of everything.
And Yujin wonders if there will be something different this time? Or maybe it'll just be the same, as it has been since the beginning.
They practice day and night, bones creaking with every move. Their voice are tired and scratchy, their souls a little worse for wear. But their eyes glow with the fire of passion. It's the final chance for their debut, one final push for their dreams to come true.
But even then, Yujin still notices.
He notices the lingering stares. He notices the quiet moments when the two of them would sit next to each other, basking in each other's warmth. He notices when Taerae's smile softens just a little bit more. He notices that when Jiwoong's eyes just crinkle the slightest bit more when he laughs around Taerae.
Yujin wonders if others notice it too.
One day, during an intense practice session, Taerae had almost fainted because of the heat and exhaustion. He had stumbled during one of the moves, tripping over himself. Yujin noticed, ran to catch the older when strong arms got there first.
This time, Yujin didn't notice where, when, or how Jiwoong was able to catch him so fast, but he does notice the sour expression on his face. He notices the furrow of his eyebrows, notices the frown, notices his hand shaking as he holds up Taerae.
He's worried. Scared. Of what? Maybe losing Taerae? In what sense? Yujin wonders. Is love like this? Sometimes it's staring from across the room, thinking of the other possibly looking your way, and feeling the fluttering feeling in your stomach when your eyes meet.
And sometimes it's fear. The fear of change. The fear of ruining something that hasn't even started yet, so you step back and just watch. The fear of losing someone, figuratively and literally. Is it still love if you fear?
Yujin doesn't have an answer, so he watches. He watches as Jiwoong, with the help of Gyuvin, brings Taerae to the infirmary.
"Hanbin-ah, can you please ask for some food and water from the staff in the cafeteria? Preferably something warm, if not, anything that Taerae can eat." Jiwoong calls out to their leader, giving him a strained smile.
Hanbin nods, making a move towards the cafeteria.
"I'll come with you, hyung." Yujin doesn't know why he said that. His mouth had moved by itself, his actions processing faster than his thoughts could.
Their leader nods, and Yujin follows his lead. It was too late to question why he had offered to help; it's not that he minds, though.
The walk towards the cafeteria is spent in silence; the tension is thick and cold. Yujin can't help but feel solemn in the silence. The scene of Taerae tumbling down replays in his mind as a frown settles on his lips.
"It's okay, he'll be okay. Jiwoong hyung is with him." Hanbin pats his arm, giving him a reassuring smile.
Yujin wonders what his words meant. Did he mean it in a way that Taerae will be okay because Jiwoong is reliable? Or does his words mean that he's noticed it too, the lingering gazes and the meaning behind them?
He wants to ask, but instead he just nods, a quiet yet firm "Mn," escapes his lips. He doesn't ask, not now, maybe some time in the future.
They end up bringing soup and some kimbap from the cafeteria. After eating and resting, Taerae doesn't look as pale anymore; he's got an easy smile on his face, a big contrast to the frown on Jiwoong's. Gyuvin is at the side, looking quite awkward and out of place.
"…Taerae-ah…" Jiwoong lets out a deep sigh. Taerae gives him a sheepish smile; it's a little weak, and the tiredness in his expression is obvious. "You seriously need to take better care of yourself. What time did you sleep last night? You said that—"
Yujin doesn't get to listen to the rest of Jiwoong's lecture when Hanbin pulls him and Gyuvin out of the infirmary, leaving the two with some privacy.
But just before the door closes, Yujin sees Taerae looking up at Jiwoong, and there's that look in his face. And when Yujin looks at Jiwoong, he sees he's looking back at Taerae with the same look.
"Congratulations!" The cheers in the stadium are echoing. Yujin's hands feel cold, he has a hard time breathing, and yet his heart feels so warm as he listens to the cheers.
He's done it. He's made it.
"Han Yujin," The host announces his name, and the crowd responds with cheers. "Kim Jiwoong, Kim Gyuvin, Kim Taerae, Park Gunwook," Tears slide down their cheeks, and yet their smiles are wider than ever. "Ricky, Seok Matthew, Sung Hanbin, and Zhang Hao, the final lineup of Zerobaseone!"
Yujin looks up at his hyungs, tears fill his eyes. The feeling in his heart is almost overwhelming. He knows that winning doesn't mean the end; it's just the beginning. And he finds that he likes that. He wouldn't mind starting from the beginning if it's with them.
Gyuvin pulls him in a big, tight hug, and the others do too. And Yujin thinks in that moment, he just knows that the next two and a half years will be the best years in his life.
Everyone starts leaving their seats, hugging and congratulating each other. Yujin spares a glance at where Jiwoong is. He finds him frozen, standing as if in disbelief. He notices the tears in his eyes, and Yujin's heart squeezes at the scene.
Jiwoong, his Jiwoong hyung, is crying. He planned to go over to him, but before he could make a move, he saw a hand reaching over.
Taerae places a comforting hand on the older's shoulder. Jiwoong turns around to face him, to look at him even through blurry eyes.
Yujin watches as Taerae's smile softens, the look in his eyes the same as it had been. Taerae still looks at Jiwoong the same way, from the first time they saw each other to the new beginnings they're about to walk into together.
And Yujin can't see Jiwoong's face from where he's sitting, but he just knows that Jiwoong is looking at Taerae the same way, just this time, their eyes finally meet.
He wonders if this will change something, if this also signifies a new beginning for them.
But one thing Yujin has stopped wondering is if what he's seeing is love, because he doesn't need to wonder anymore. Not when their eyes tell the answer.
They prepare for their debut, and it's even harder than it was. The expectations are heavier, the burden on their shoulders is just as heavy, and everything feels like even one mistake can risk everything falling apart. But Hanbin is there to lead them to the right path, holding up the team.
Even with the burden of expectations weighing them down, Yujin still tries to find the time to notice. Or maybe it's precisely because of that, he notices even more.
Yujin notices how the distance between them has gotten smaller. He also notices that they spend more time, but he supposes that's normal when you're preparing for a debut. He does notice that the awkward air around them isn't as intense as it had been before. But he can still tell that they aren't the closest.
One thing that Yujin notices and finds ridiculous is how both of them get jealous. Not in a toxic way, but in a 'oh, they are so stupid, your honor' type of way. Well, Yujin wouldn't even really call it jealousy when it's more like they feel envious that x member is close to the other.
For example, Taerae is roommates with Hanbin, and with both of them being from Cheonan, it was easy for them to get closer. And to be fair, Hanbin has always been close to everyone, and if they weren't before, they sure as hell are close now.
So it was expected that the two would have an obvious change in their dynamics, and it seems like Jiwoong noticed that. Perhaps noticed it too much. Yujin had noticed the change in the air around the older man when the roommates would have some sort of interaction. It's subtle enough that no one notices, but Yujin does; he always does.
And it's just funny that Jiwoong feels bothered between Hanbin and Taerae being roommates when there's something far more obvious between Hanbin and Hao.
But it's not just Jiwoong who has had those recent atmospheric changes around him. Taerae is the same, laughably so.
It's become a recent fan favorite: the dynamic between Jiwoong and Matthew.
Not so much Taerae's favorite, though. It's laughable because it's obvious that Matthew is overall a friendly guy. He's literally clingy with everyone, literally everyone. Even to Taerae himself, who is also a fan favorite, but Taerae doesn't think of that. All he can see is how Hanbin has Hao, and Jiwoong has Matthew.
Sometimes, Yujin is so tempted to just come over and smash Taerae and Jiwoong's faces to make them kiss, so it's gonna be done and over with, but he stops himself. It's not good to rush them; things like these will naturally progress.
Is what Yujin thinks, but it's been some time now. And that's him being generous about it. Their debut was a success, they've done their comeback, and are preparing for their Japanese Debut. And still, there's nothing that has changed.
Maybe a little bit by bit. But Yujin doesn't think it's enough. He truly expected that something would be going on between them by now. Winter has passed, and spring is arriving, so maybe finally something will happen?
He's hopeful anyway.
But he does wonder, what could be the reason as to why they're not making a move?
Is it because they don't know if the other feels the same way? But wouldn't confessing solve that problem? Is it because they're scared it'll change the dynamic of the group?
Yujin doesn't know much about love; he's only heard and seen it.
But in movies, doesn't it always end in happy endings?
Yujin doesn't know the answers to his questions, so he asks someone. Someone whom he had also heard and seen love.
"Hyung, what could be the reason why two people obviously in love with each other don't admit that they are and… I don't know, get in a relationship?"
Hanbin freezes in his seat. It takes him a moment before he looks at the youngest. "Why are you asking this, Yujin-ah?" He asks, patting the empty seat on the couch next to him. Yujin follows and sits next to the older, letting out a hum as he tries to think of an answer. He doesn't know if Hanbin has noticed, so he'll play it safe.
"It's nothing, I just got curious. Because you know, in dramas or movies, we see people being in love and there are some problems, but in the end, they get together anyway. But how come in reality, that doesn't seem to happen?"
Silence envelopes them; it's comfortable, and Yujin almost thinks that Hanbin has fallen asleep.
"Well, it depends." Hanbin starts off. There's a small smile on his lips as he faces the youngest. "For one, maybe the two people in love don't know that the other one feels the same way."
Yujin's eyebrows furrow. "Even when their eyes tell?"
A flash of surprise reflects in Hanbin's eyes at the other's words. "Well, maybe us, that's outside, can see clearly, but that doesn't necessarily mean it could be the same for the people involved."
Yujin nods slowly in understanding, but his mind continues to spiral. "But wouldn't being honest about your feelings and telling the other person you love them make it clear?"
Hanbin chuckles a little at his words; it's not ill-intentioned, it's just… knowing.
"Sometimes being honest is hard, especially when you can lose someone when you admit the truth."
The younger's eyebrows continue to furrow, a look of pure confusion painted on his face. Why would you lose someone that way? Is it really love if you'll lose someone?
As if Hanbin could read the words in his mind, he answers. "Love is complicated, Yujin-ah. It all comes in different shapes and forms. It could be like in the movies, or it could be totally different. And because of that, anyone can have different reasons as to why they'll choose to hide the truth."
And maybe Hanbin is right, maybe there's truth in his words. But even as Yujin goes back to his room, where he shares with Matthew, a question loops in his mind.
Why would you need to hide love?
More time has passed, and Yujin notices that Taerae starts getting bolder. When the camera is on, he meets Jiwoong's eyes more often. He jokes around, he flirts. To Yujin, it seemed like he was finally doing something about his feelings. But when the cameras are turned off, he's back to the Taerae whose gaze lingers.
However, Jiwoong is the opposite. Yujin notices that on camera, he doesn't show much. He jokes, sure, but it seemed like he's hesitant to flirt back.
Yujin realizes that Taerae finds confidence when he's on camera because of the excuse of fanservice. And Jiwoong doesn't show it on camera because he doesn't want it to be seen as just fanservice.
But because the two of them have two different ways of thinking, of seeing it—Yujin notices the distance it created.
It started off small.
Yujin noticed the distance when Taerae stopped trying to "chase" Jiwoong when the cameras were on.
It didn't happen immediately. Slowly, when he realized that he was always the one reaching out. He was so focused on their dynamic when the cameras were turned on that he failed to see what Jiwoong was like behind the cameras.
And when Jiwoong noticed the distance Taerae was creating, he took it as a sign that he didn't feel the same. The two of them had started to create this false story in their minds that they had failed to see the truth that their eyes were telling.
And it was killing Yujin inside. It's frustrating because he can see just how much they feel for each other just through their eyes alone, but how is it that they can't see it themselves?
So the time comes that Yujin finally couldn't sit still and watch them dance around each other.
He knows that he shouldn't involve himself. He knows that he shouldn't barge into situations that are not his business. Yujin knows that he shouldn't do anything but look, watch, and be a witness to their story, but he just can't sit still and watch two people in love drift apart.
They don't have all the time in the world. Each day passes by, the more time they're wasting when they could be in love and happy. Call Yujin childish, and maybe he is, but he doesn't see why people should fear love. Maybe it's because he hasn't experienced it himself, but love of all things shouldn't be hidden.
Why keep it quiet when you should love loud?
"Jiwoong hyung," Yujin calls out to the older man. It's a quiet night, the practice ended early for the night, and the group has time to relax.
They decided to have a group dinner at Jiwoong's apartment, the hyung line decided to treat the younger ones, opting to order delivery food rather than going out. They decided on Jiwoong's apartment as it was the biggest, and the manager, who usually lives with him, is almost never around.
After eating, everyone either went back to their dorms to rest for the night or the others stayed back to play games. Taerae was one of the first ones, leaving as soon as he was done eating. Yujin had seen Jiwoong excuse himself to the balcony, claiming he wanted some fresh air.
And that's where they are right now. Standing as the cold autumn air brushes through their hair.
"Oh, Yujinnie, what is it?" Jiwoong makes space for the younger, moving aside from where he's leaning against the balcony railing. Yujin closes the sliding door behind him.
Instead of speaking immediately, he looks up at the night sky. It's not clear; in fact, it looks like it's about to rain; however, there are stars that still illuminate the otherwise dark night.
"Hyung, what do you think of the phrase 'your eyes tell'?" Yujin asks softly, his voice quiet, almost inaudible.
But Jiwoong hears it, and the look in his eyes is unreadable. He pauses to think, not expecting that to be Yujin's question.
"Well, I guess I've never thought of it, but they always say that eyes are the windows to your soul, so maybe it's the same as that. Hmm, like your eyes tell the right story when your smile tells the fake one?"
Yujin nods slowly, taking in what the older man is saying. Silence envelopes the two of them. They stand their basked in the moonlight that managed to seep through the clouds.
"I can see it, hyung." Yujin breaks the silence. "I can see it in your eyes. For a long time now, I've been able to read the story that your eyes tell." He faces the older, eyes unblinking as he waits for him to understand.
"What do you mean?" Jiwoong asks, genuine confusion swimming in his eyes.
"I've seen how you… feel about Taerae hyung." Yujin finally says.
Jiwoong's eyes widen at his words. He looks surprised, in disbelief, almost as if he didn't expect Yujin to say that. And maybe Yujin didn't expect that he would say those words himself.
"I've seen how your eyes linger, how your gaze trails. I've seen that look in your face. Hyung, I've seen, just from your eyes alone, just how much he means to you. And I always wondered how you couldn't see just how he feels for you, too."
Jiwoong blinks. And Yujin can see his mind spiraling.
"I…" He mumbles, unable to form proper words. So Yujin waits. He waits until Jiwoong has processed everything.
After a while, Jiwoong speaks.
"I'm scared," He whispers through the howling of the autumn winds. The admittance surprised Yujin. He did not expect that the older man would feel fear.
"Why?" He finds himself asking, and the genuineness in his voice catches Jiwoong off guard. "Why do you fear even though you love him?"
They could hear the rest of the members laughing inside, Gyuvin's loud voice obvious as he complained about something. Hao is laughing out loud, while Ricky argues back at Gyuvin. Hanbin is either trying to calm the situation down or make it worse.
"Is it because you're afraid of losing him?" Jiwoong nods in response to the younger's question. Yujin purses his lips, then he whispers another question.
"If you continue not to do anything like this, aren't you losing him right now?"
That gets Jiwoong to think.
"Your eyes tell, but your voice should too."
After a few days since their talk, Yujin receives a message from Jiwoong. The older man had told him that he ended up talking to Taerae and finally admitted his feelings for him. The two of them are going to try something out together.
He says that they're not together yet for now, but instead are taking it slow. They're keeping it to themselves for now as well and will tell the members when they have settled everything.
"Then why did you tell me?" Yujin asks him. Jiwoong gives him a smile emoji and a simple reply. "Because you gave me the courage to,"
More time has passed, and the time on the contract is running out. But Yujin finds relief in the fact that he notices the changes around Jiwoong and Taerae.
They're still reserved; the two of them prefer to show their love through quiet and intimate moments.
Taerae has now stopped thinking too much about his dynamic with Jiwoong on camera, and Jiwoong has started to reach out to him. When the camera is turned off, that's when Yujin gets to see the real them.
He often notices Taerae sneaking out of the dorm to go to Jiwoong's. Or sometimes, it's the other way around, with Jiwoong sneaking into Taerae's room.
And sometimes on sleepless nights, he hears the strum of a guitar with two voices accompanying. Yujin sleeps to the song of their hearts that echoes through the walls.
It wasn't long before the other members noticed the changes between them, too. So now Yujin isn't the only one who notices, or maybe he wasn't the only one who had noticed.
One thing that hasn't changed, however, is that Yujin still notices Taerae's gaze lingering, and Jiwoong staring when the other is not looking.
And maybe that's something that will never change.
Tears are shed, and goodbyes have always been hard to say. But time has run out, no matter how much they stretched it. Yujin was right, the past two and a half years he's spent with them are the best years of his life.
It's not the end. It's just another beginning. They are just getting started, aren't they? So Yujin is not worried.
He's got his hyung with him, all eight of them, well, nine now with Seungeon as well. So really, Yujin is more than fine. He knows that a little bit of distance won't hurt the bond that they have.
As long as they stand under the same sky, they will continue to run into the future.
The crowd is loud, everyone is screaming along to the songs as they watch unblinking up on stage. Yujin finds himself doing the same. Cheering on his hyungs that are shining brightly on stage.
It felt a bit weird watching them, instead of performing with them, but that's a little silly when just last week, it was him on the stage, and his hyungs were watching him.
The song ends, and cheers erupt once again. And Yujin notices Jiwoong grabbing water for Taerae, while the younger man grabs towels for the two of them.
As the Zerobaseone concert continues, Yujin, as always, notices.
He notices Jiwoong looking at Taerae like he had hung the stars above. He looks at him like there was no one else in the room but him.
Yujin notices Taerae staring right back. He notices him stealing glances, his smile softening just a tad more when he gazes into the other's eyes.
"What was I worried about?" He whispers to himself with a chuckle.
Yujin doesn't know much about love, but he's heard of it. He doesn't know much about love, but he's seen it.
He's seen it in the eyes of two lovers. Taerae still looks at Jiwoong the same way he had from three years ago, and Jiwoong's gaze lingers on Taerae even when he's not looking. And that's something that will never change.
With love, your eyes really tell, Yujin concludes.