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Hi, my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like– nah just kidding this isn't that type of fanfic. This is a SERIOUS fanfic. I take canon very very seriously. Which is why I'm gonna tell you this story the way a kindergarten teacher retells The Very Hungry Caterpillar to adorable, snot filled children.
It all started on a cliff. Well, not really, it all started in the turbulent era. But who cares about lore am I right? That's not how the game starts. So it all started on a cliff. This very wrinkly lady beat the shit out of a guy and had him hanging over the edge of the cliff, all bloody and beat up. I think she said something about how he couldn't parry her attacks because he was a filthy casual. Lip reading has never been my thing I'm gonna have to get back to you on that one.
Anyway. The guy fell and died but he didn't die actually. The best character in the game who's a plant saved his sorry ass.
Ah. The guy's name is Yi.
But who cares about him what's important is the appearance of the goat, the legend, Fusang: the best character in the game who's a plant. And remains important for the rest of the game. Black roots foreva.
Anyway so Yi rots in a stone age village for two years because he got his ass beat badly and not even our goat could get him fully on his feet from that so he had to rest. And he adopted a kid who's named Shuanshuan who fucking rocks actually but realistically he's just a plot device for the taoist themes of the story you know? Along with a female character I'll name later.
(It is at this point that the author realized she would be a terrible kindergarten teacher and hoped to god she never resorts to getting a career in childcare or education)
"Yi! Remember I'm gonna get sacrificed in a few days like my parents" exclaimed Shuanshuan
"I don't care" said Yi, caringly.
"You're so funny Yi!! I hope you're okay when I'm dead. I mean, when I go live with the gods. Which is obviously the same thing."
"You can just not die btw literally nothing bad has ever come from avoiding death. You can just walk away from that."
"I'm ten years old."
Anyay (I know you read that typo leave me alone) Yi ended up saving Shuanshuan from Cranium Detacher 5000 by blowing it up and aura farming while everyone screamed because they're fucking cavemen okay they don't know what an explosion is.
"Yi? What happened?!"
"It time to nine and sol, Shuanshuan."
And he left.
Ruyi is cute idk what to tell you. He's the hologram cutie who's like Yi if Yi was less of a bitch and had no face.
"My lord can I fix your gameplay-system-that-has-been-locked-to-the-player-until-this-cutscene?"
"Sure"
He zapped Yi on the back pikachu style. You could see his bones and everything.
"Owwwwwwww" said Yi internally. But since I'm sticking to canon he didn't say anything he took it like a manly man and didn't walk out of that room limping.
Speaking of limping, said the author before setting up a presentation that makes no sense because there's no correlation to be found here, Kuafu is a character that exists also. And whatever he has with Yi can be seen as romantic I guess but since we're sticking to canon they're just bros this whole fic sorry.
"Kaufu it's me disable the security system"
"No you're not you're a weirdo cosplaying a dead person. You can't even say my name right!!"
"Kuafu I have a kid it's yours"
Yi had to fight off a centaur. And the centaur had a spear. And actually if you manage to get past the fire thingies of that boss section you'll get to see that RCG forgot to lock the doors so technically you can skip yingzhao by walking out. I'm considering that canon because it's in the game.
"Oh sols Yi I can't believe you're not dead SNIFF" said Kuafu crying cartoony style, "I saw you get beat to a pulp through the cameras SOB you're really alive"
"Ok whatever are you with these maniacs or not" Yi asked calmly while pointing his sharp asf nails to Kuafu's throat.
"I guess in a way I am I didn't know they were gonna kILL YoU SOB SORRY FOR NOT DOING ANYTHING just kill me it's fine."
Yi did not kill him because Kuafu is a shop in the game and we kinda need him. This is my take there was absolutely no emotional attachment tied to that decision. Did you notice 90% of Kuafu's soulscape memories include Yi? That's kinda gay
"How are you doing, dear brother?" Said Heng way too late into the fic because I forgot about her.
"Heng sister how could the author forget you aren't you like one of her top 1 favorite characters?" Said Yi stupidly because he was listening to a recording.
"Do you remember when we were little and we saw a plane hit the rhizomatic towers? I'm just messing with you. It's so boring in here I've taken to gaslighting the few surviving folks in the town who are bedbound and sickly. I fear the habit is growing on me."
"Isn't that cruel and oddly out of character?"
"Anyways, I'm here to reminisce and tell the players of your tragic backstory as a misunderstood prodigy who wasn't given room to grow or support from his parents. And ended up turning away from taoist ideologies, even though you could benefit from understanding them, because now you can only see them as an attack on your work."
"Heng I miss you I wish you weren't dead."
There was a long, melancholic pause at the other end of the line. He could hear a familiar tune in wind, the distinct sound of a flute playing, somewhere light-years away…..
"Six seven." Heng cut the call.
"Hello stranger I've never seen before in my life" greeted Yi.
"Hello friend" greeted Ji.
"We're not friends I just said I don't know you." Said Yi, Unaware. Because Ji can shrink themself into a tulpa thanks to their swag and whimsy. So they were unrecognizable.
"Have you heard the Jingle of the bells, friend? Probably not they haven't been played in a while." Said Ji, hinting at more lore we shouldn't care about even though it's in the dialogue.
"You're smaller than me I'm not used to that"
"You should take this sheet with what they used to sound like. It's like there's a recognizable tune here… a leitmotif, if you will…."
"If I say yes will you stop talking to me I have shit to do." Said Yi impatiently because red candle games wanted him to come off as an asshole this early in the story and he is even though it was ultimately toned down.
"Haha… friend I'm more of a recurring character, you see–"
Yi just walked out at that point.
Goumanggg goumang goumang goumy gummy goumangggg
[Everyone cheers]
"I can't believe you were stupid enough to walk directly into my obvious trap" she said with the aura of a thousand divas.
"I knew the trap was there" replied Yi, as if that made him look any better.
Goumang called her children/pets, to kill him, and they wore Mc Donald's uniforms, for some reason. She flew amazingly and made the bell on her grip ring.
"Bring him down!!"
And they brought him down to the floor below because they're stupid (unrelated to being minimum wage workers☝️ they're stupid from being Goumang's zombie apeman children)
I'm so sorry Goumang fans I don't actually remember her section all that well uuuuhhhh
They fought and she lost badly.
Goumang bled and glared from the floor, defeated, mutilated, "Dammit! You and your… flanderizing ways… I had it all planned… I was going to rebuild Penglai!"
"Your discourse posts have enlightened me, Goumang. How static characters should be. Time to practice what you preach."
"Hey why are you picking up the– hey. Hey. Let that collar go. Do not– hey!"
Kuafu was concerned. Because that was kinda extreme.
"Hey I know you don't like Goumang but wasn't that too much…?"
"Oh so you agree with her methods?"
"Huh? No??"
"You're still on thin ice so don't question my actions." Yi said, turning away and crossing his arms with a huff.
"Aw… don't get like that :(…"
Kuafu leaned down, moving his hover chair closer with a pout. "Are you still angry at me?"
"Yes."
"I said I was sorry…."
"Hmph."
Oh wow. We may be getting too fluffy here guys. Bordering on blorbofication even. Let's move on from this.
"Hello dear brother. Do you remember when we were little and I heard voices, and you told me to stop answering back to the voices, especially in front of people?"
"Heng I miss you I have a kid now and he's a plot device for the taoist themes of the game just like youuu and I'm raising him by giving him trash and dipping from his day to day life."
"You disapproved of me talking to Fusang, the best character in the game who's a plant, saying what I heard was probably just static."
"Heng I miss youuuu Henggggg I missss youuuuu"
"You always thought the world ran on logic and cold facts. I bet right now your sprite looks somber and serious or is even looking away from the camera altogether, but otherwise doesn't reveal how you feel…. Because you're mysterious like that."
"Ueeeghh weghewgehuegh SOOOOBBb wegueghehwhegh"
"A mysterious fangshi…. Or something….. but I never stopped listening to the voices and answering to them, Yi. I know it sounds bad but you'll understand eventually. The song– no, the banger tunes of Fusang, our ancient undisputable cosmic DJ"
"SNIFF"
"It's in the themes Yi. Themes and such…."
Yanlao was there at some point. He was old and liked claw machines.
The transmutation section is possibly one of the most insufferable sections of the game if you didn't realize you could unbound counter those statues with the hammers to turn off Hellfire From Below and do platforming right. Which was totally not my case.
"Ah, young master Yi. Let's have an intimate duel or something."
Yi stanced himself up, completely confident he was gonna win the match, unaware this is the obligatory 'you gotta lose' fight. "That's some weird phrasing Jiequan. What are you, gay?"
Jiequan giggled in a way that did not reveal his canonical sexuality, therefore we must assume he's straight.
"Let me rizz you up babygirl" Jiequan shouted before hitting Yi in the head. Which wasn't hard because it's really big.
Jiequan's section is one of the longest so I'm gonna sum it up in one scene. Imagine Yi is in that electrocution crucible:
"Omg I want you so bad."
"Fhbdhdhdjdbdj"
"Like. Carnally even."
"Jfbfjfbdjdbdkssfy"
"See I'm doing you a favor by giving you pain because it makes you stronger"
"Killmecouwardddd"
"I can't do that. The best most OP character in the game who's also a plant, Fusang, is just gonna bring you back."
"Jshvdhdvdhdbsfuckyouuuuu"
"You wanna kill me I know you should try it ehehehehehehehehehe"
Jiequan laughed like a freak up to his very last moments where he turned into goop. Yeah he killed himself. No I can't emphasize this enough he drank power juice to the point of killing himself. Didn't even die in battle. That's the most embarassing way someone like him can meet their maker. His whole thing was being a warrior and also the stuff with his family and the dude just got flung to hell with a power up because he just sucks that bad I am obsessed with this loser
Once again Kuafu gets special dialogue once Yi defeats Jiequan.
"If you like Jiequan so much why don't you go and marry him."
"Are you– are you jealous?!"
"No."
"Is this because I said he was stylish…?"
"No."
If you think about it really hard Yi can fit into plenty of tsundere tropes.
Yi stared incredulous at the pink ass hot spring.
"Hi Yi!! ^^ ⋆.˚ " greeted Lady Ethereal because she's super nice. And happy and sane. She was twirling her hair(? and everything.
"How are you doing that with your mouth?"
"Doing what? (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)"
"Uh…. Nevermind."
"Lalalala~"
Yi had to do platforming on a loop on barbie's dream vape fume land. It was really confusing and trippy. And every once in a while he found the hot springs again and poked Lady Ethereal for less happy and more sane answers. Until he finally figured it out….
"You had a girlfriend I didn't know that"
"(ㆆ_ㆆ) Really? I thought it was obvious I like girls…?"
"Oh yeah that's not it. I wanted to emphasize the had part. I meant that your girlfriend died."
"( ` ᴖ ´ ) No she didn't!!! She's right there!" Said Lady Ethereal while pointing at a glitchy woman in the background, with a dead stare and a very clear speech bubble saying "I wish I had never met you."
"Uh………"
Yi continued jumping and climbing and stuff until Lady Ethereal was finally coming back to her senses. Sort of. She was shivering on the floor and clutching at her hair(? with a haunted look in her eyes. The dood news is that she was more aware of reality! The bad news is that reality SUCKED.
"Uuu….. it was all my fault…. I need to be punished… you gotta…. You gotta hit me multiple times…."
Yi cringed. "I… don't want to do that."
"PROGRESS THE FUCKING GAME."
And then Yi had to hit her and then she kicked him out of her soulscape and then he got back in.
"Lady Ethereal pls this isn't your fault."
"You're right. We're all at fault. Especially you."
"What."
And then Lady Ethereal proceeded to repeatedly tear him apart like a napkin in a paper shredder.
"Wow Yi I can't believe you skipped two major bosses you're getting to the final scenes so fast"
"I didn't. The author just got really sick mid way of writing this and had to chop off that whole section of the story."
"Hahaha you're so funny Yi"
"Kuafu I love you" Yi didn't say because we're keeping up with canon and his stunted emotional intelligence and his communication skills are not that good and he would not fucking say that. So instead he said:
"[Joke about Kuafu being fat]"
"Whatever dude. Now I'm gonna charge you money to upgrade your vape. Again."
"Kuafu… my wallet, Kuafu…….."
And now we reach the research institute section.
It was dark and grimy. And eerie. And more synonyms for scawy. And it was a lab. Which meant that there must have been dubious experiments done there because so far there's been gore in this game so that was the logical conclusion. I mean each sol Yi had to fight so far looked to preserve something in efforts that are pointless and even unnatural at times. And now there's a lab. There's a theme here and a logical series of dots (heh) you should be connecting.
Oh and there were zombies also. To really spell it out.
"EEEEEYAAGHHH" said the zombie.
"what the fuck." said Yi.
"RAAWWWGH" said the zombie. Yi exploded it with a device Kuafu gave him along with a kissy kiss on the cheek. I'm including this bit of information because it was shared with me from John Nine Sols themself.
Yi was walking down some stairs I think and he got a call from cutie Abacus Ruyi:
"My lord, remember," he said, then looked straight to the camera breaking the fourth wall, "once you've completed this section it's considered a Point Of No Return and it's advisable that you've finished all the character sidequests *before* that point. Because once you go past that point you won't be able to."
"Abacus what does any of that mean"
"This game has multiple endings my lord"
"What game. What the hell are you talking about."
He did not get an answer to that because the plot moved on.
Yi skimmed through Eigong's files, finding various things such as audio logs, video essays, and a glass castles (crystal castles' long lost cousin) playlist. He pressed play on the playlist by mistake, and heard some confusing breakcore clown music, before turning it off and playing the research logs instead.
"–first of all they're not zombies they're fucking mutants." Said the recording of Eigong, angry and clearly losing it. "Second of all this mutant strain is the fruit of my meddling with Fusang the best character in any game ever who's also a plant. I must correct this. I'm sure I'll be able to find a cure if I stubbornly keep digging my heels and our graves even deeper."
"Oh boy I sure hope these logs aren't out of chronological order. That would be very confusing to listen to on one try."
The logs were out of order. Yi got bitten in the ass by five mutants minimum. But he got to Eigong's vital sanctum!! What could possibly go wrong for him now that he has almost all the sol seals?
Eigong steals all of his sol seals because he walked into an obvious trap again.
Trapped and sad and missing his vape, Yi sits in the dark and glares at the imaginary floor after being humbled by a butch senior citizen.
"At least it can't get any worse…."
"It always can."
"Heng?!"
Heng appeared from the goddamn shadows. "Yes Yi. Why did you leave me behind…?"
"I didn't! Not willingly!"
"Motherfucker you threatened to disown me."
"Wow I've never heard you swear before. And yeah that's fair– but I just wanted you to survive!"
"Yeah but like I have a whole set of beliefs on why dying is not something to run from! Which you never cared to listen to! Ever!!"
Yi got really sad. His eyes were shiny. "I'm sorry."
The anger in Heng's eyes gradually left. She sighed. "It's fine. It's… over. Like you said, you're not at fault and I'm not at fault." In any other context, the remark could have been taken as bitter and sarcastic. But not here. Her words were sincere. Heng meant it, when she said: "in the end, none of us are at fault."
[We are sols cutscene.]
"YI WAKE UP I DON'T LIKE THIS YI WAKE UP"
"Wh… Shuanshuan??"
"A VERY WRINKLY LADY IS BREAKING EVERYTHINGGG YI GET BACK HERE NOWWW"
"Don't worry Shuanshuan a passage is now unlocked for me to get back which should be easier to get through than the way here– oh no is that an enemy hoard section with a slow camera movement that forces me to advance at a certain speed–?"
By the time Yi got there everything was broken and gloomy. But! Kuafu and Shuanshuan were okay!! But!! Ruyi was not!!!
"Bzzzz I'm dyingggg" said Ruyi. "My lord I'm glad I got-t-t to see yo-u-u-u bzzz goodbyeee" and he died. It was a whole inevitable cutscene no matter what ending you get.
"Wow Eigong sure made a mess but at least everyone is fine." Said Yi like Ruyi didn't die less than an hour ago (and if you didn't finish the sidequests Chiyou's corpse is on the next room and Shanhai's broken bits are on the floor below.)
"What are we gonna do now Yi?" Kuafu asked, distressed.
"The situation is incredibly fucked but in basic terms I'm gonna go fight Eigong."
"But what happens after that??"
"My answer to this varies but don't worry I'll be back either way probably."
"Really?"
Yi nods, and internally promises to himself that if he survives this, he's gonna let Kuafu hit it from the back– wait what. Checks notes. Did this happen..? Do we have any internal dialogue in nine sols–?
"Yi!!" Yelled Shuanshuan, "are you gonna go fight that scary old lady??"
"Shuanshuan, there's a lot about me you must know and whether you get that information from me or not depends on several things. But don't worry. There's no way our wholesome bond has any heart wrenching, crushing, devastating consequences for you."
"I don't understand what you're saying but ok!!!" Shuanshuan cheered.
"I'm Shennong." Said Shennong.
Yi went to the central core thing I don't remember what it's called and watched Fusang, the greatest character ever made by anyone ever who's also a plant, kinda crashout because Eigong was doing shit she wasn't supposed to. Again.
"Isn't it beautiful? I'm starting solarians' next step into evolution!" Eigong declared confidently, with the air of a woman who desperately needs a nap and 30 sessions of therapy and a meal and a little bit of prozac.
"No you're not you're insane."
"Sigh… you just don't get it. Fine." She looked behind her, and down, because Yi's height barely reaches her hip. "Let me show you I, Eigong, can be very promised when I put my mind to it."
"That doesn't make any sense–"
"YOU don't make any sense!!"
And they fought and they fought again because Fusang, GOAT, you know the deal, kept bringing Yi back. And he kept throwing himself to fight Eigong while the percentage of damage done in the screen remained unmoving but clear above the root node so there's a sense of urgency but anyone who's bad at videogames can still take their time.
In the end, Eigong lost, epically, or a little less epically if you didn't get the true ending with the hype moment of hearing EEEEEE AAA AAAA IIIIIIIII as The Path For Us All starts. The point is that Eigong loses. And she laughs and she compliments Yi for beating her and there's this tired sadness in her eyes as mutant pustules grow from the back of her head.
But then she stands up again, readying her sword–
"WAITTTTT!"
Everyone, even me, the author, waits. Huh?
It's Yanlao! Back from the dead! Or I guess not. Because in this fic, he never died. He was just there at one point. What? Huh??
"I FOUND A CURE!"
"What..?" "What??" What.
Yanlao sweeped in between them with his flying broom, holding a vial in his hand and shaking it like a maraca. "Fusang, the madman, the legend, who's also a plant, broke a whole tendril into my panic room and made this weird sap goop that cures Tianhuo AND mutation!!"
Yi was… confused… as am I…. "How do you know??"
Yanlao pointed to the door, where Nuwa waved happily from the shoulders of a healthy Fuxi. Because they also didn't die. Because I never wrote that here. They both had little bandaids in their arms where it seemed Yanlao had injected them with the goop.
"I think if I pour this into Fusang's central core, it'll save everyone!"
"Oh yeah I was about to do a very similar thing." Said Eigong, faintly. A little pale. She murmured under her breath, her brows furrowed. Perhaps in a mix of indignation for not being the one to fix her mistake in the end, and awe that she no longer has to carry that weight. Just like that. Her gaze followed Yanlao's retreating form as he hovered over the core, and let the goop fall from high above into the heart of Fusang. Nuwa was still cheering somewhere behind them.
"I don't understand," Yi breathed in disbelief, "that's so… easy. So unrealistic. It makes no sense."
Eigong was lost in contemplation. "I think… maybe it doesn't have to make sense."
"What? What do you mean?"
Light emanated from the roots; a beautiful pink, green, yellow, blue, deeply rich and colorful glow was casted over New Kunlun. Every root in every corner lf the island grew to let it reach everyone.
"Maybe our perspectives were flawed. If we look for logic and correctness in everything we do… in everything others make, even, then… where's the fulfilment in that? What's the point?"
Eigong stared at her hands, then back at Yi, eyes clear, clearer than when they first met.
"What's the point of dictating what's right if it makes us all unhappy anyway?"
Somewhere out there, the solarians started to wake up, rejoicing in the realization that they're healthy now. They can breathe easily again. It's finally over.
But here, Yi jumped, realization hitting him like a freight train.
"Eigong! Do you know what this means?!"
"Listening to different views outside our own enriches our way of living?"
"What? No. I can FINALLY CRACK KUAFU–"
The End