Chapter Text
Fëdor has had his fair share of weird days - though the term "fair share" might imply that he had at least one day that didn't sting. In fact, he hasn't had a single normal day ever since he summoned the clones. Not only did this shift his personal life by promoting him to a working single parent of 8 hive-minded gremlins, but it also made Fëdor realize that truly nothing in life can bee predicted or anticipated bee-sides chaos itself. One day he would come home and find the kitchen destroyed, and another he would come home to find that all of the clones had turned into Gabriel. And that's not even counting the car incident, and the buried treasure hunt they did to pay off the damages of said incident. At least the treasure wasn't the friends they made along the way, otherwise they'd all bee in debt and in jail right now. It was a pity that the clones never listened when they were told to buzz off. In any case, as much as he enjoyed the company of his clones, he really hoped the chaos would die down a bit once they got used to living in the real world.
Well, his hope was in vain, for right now, he was literally a bee trapped under a glass cup.
Let's rewind a little bit. It all started this morning when Waru texted the household group chat, aka ‘карточный клуб (Fëdor’s inferno) ♥️♣️♦️♠️ 🐝’:
THE INVINCIBLE WARU: Gang, we're doomed fr this time.
Now, Fëdor was in university at the time and was about to take an exam. And although it was a bit concerning that Waru of all people was concerned, he really needs to pass the exam if he wants to graduate sometime this century, so he decided to ignore his constantly buzzing phone. One ping. Two pings. Seventeen consecutive pings. A suspicious voice memo labeled "DO NOT PANIC." from Kuromaku. Fëdor sighed and muted the chat.
After the exam, Fëdor opened the chat again to see the following messages:
💖𝓡𝓸𝓶𝓮𝓸💖: FROGS. WHY ARE THERE FROGS?????
Kurobaka 🤓🤓🤓: FELIX, WHERE IN THE WORLD ARE YOU TWO??
PEElix: WE ARE GETTING HOLY WATER
The local furry: *sent a picture of a pigeon in the park*
Kurobaka 🤓🤓🤓: IN THE PARK?
PEElix: TRUST THE PROCESS
Spade (Whoever changes my name will be thrown off the balcony): IF THE LADDERS FAIL RN I'M KILLING ALL OF YOU AND THEN MYSELF
THE INVINCIBLE WARU: sent a blurry picture of Dante laying in a family guy death pose under the ladders
The blue one ☔: 😭 😭 😭 im hiding under Fëdors bed I’m so scared please somebody help me
Kurobaka 🤓🤓🤓: THE LADDERS NEED TO BE UPSIDE DOWN!
The local furry: Why is everyone texting in uppercase?
The blue one ☔: Dear cards, there’s a frog here 😨
Fëdor had seen enough. Normally he’d rush back home but he really wasn’t feeling it right now. He hoped to have a bit of time to relax after the exam but alas, clone shenanigans. He was already getting a headache thinking of the possible situations - Property damage? Mild transformation event? Another Gabriel Situation™? Who could say… He decided to screw it and just return at his own time and hope the situation would calm down by the time he was back. And if it didn't, YOLO. Fëdor entered the bus, sat in his seat and turned on the no AI lo-fi music while looking out the window, enjoying the calm before the swarm, the few moments of peace beefore the psychological carnage.
As he stood in front of his building, he could immediately see flashing colors through the windows of his apartment. It was a Code Red… no, a Code Yellow. Which shade of yellow had Romeo suggested for this again? … Probably a Code Honey Mustard. Alright. One of those days. He inhaled and rushed up the stairs.
When he entered the apartment, he immediately heard the 'all I want for Christmas - falling metal pipe version' detonated directly into his eardrums like a festive construction accident. It wasn’t music. It was weaponized holiday spirit. It was Mariah Scare-y. It was jingle hell, even. He quickly closed the doors so the neighbors wouldn't get a heart attack from such atrocity. The time Granny met Felix and Waru had been bad enough. The next thing he noticed was that the interior of his apartment now looked like a McDonald's, but all the usual colors were inverted, making him feel like he just entered some alternate universe ‘Evil McDonald's’, or ‘SdlanodCm’. Somewhere, something sizzled ominously. There was a faint smell of fries and chaos. He stared. He blinked. He accepted it. In any case, Fëdor wasted no more time thinking about it and made his way to the entrance of what used to bee the living room.
There is a twinkish green-and-red jester with violently lime hair dancing on top of the coffee table - no, the former coffee table, now some kind of inverted fast-food altar - kicking his legs to the metallic CLANG CLANG of “All I Want for Christmas (Industrial Accident Edition).” His staff pulses neon green and emits what can only be described as the Jokerbeam™, a concentrated ray of weaponized nonsense. Everywhere it hits, reality files a complaint and resigns. It starts changing everything around it into random items. ZAP! The TV stand becomes a pile of frogs. Not just any frogs. Frogs with tiny hats. Top hats. Cowboy hats. Sombreros. Berets. There's even one with a fedora. ZORP! The customer checkout counter morphs into an ice cream stand staffed by what appears to be a cardboard cutout of Riccardo de Carli. BZZT! A lamp becomes a suspiciously judgmental lawn flamingo.
The clones are scattered around the room, ducking beehind inverted booths and piles of sentient condiments. Waru is holding a net. Kuromaku is whispering aggressively. Brolly appears to be bait. Spade is standing in the background aurafarming as usual. They are mid-execution of an elaborate, deeply stupid, yet alarmingly well-coordinated trapping scheme involving roller skates, ranch dressing, and what appears to be a fog machine. It is so ridiculous. It is so overengineered. It is absolutely going to work.
But beefore Fëdor can process the tactical brilliance of this operation, the jester freezes mid-dance. Slowly turns. Points the staff.
“HEY! WANNA SEE SOMETHING FUNNY?” he asks.
There is no correct answer to this question. The Jokerbeam™ fires. It hits Fëdor directly in the chest. He explodes into a violent burst of rainbow confetti. There's a moment of silence as confetti drifts gently to the McFloor. Somewhere in the distance, a trombone plays a sad "womp womp!"