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Timmy laid in bed, it was nearly four in the morning and he couldn't sleep, he couldn’t stop thinking about what he had to do. He dreaded it, he hated hurting people, especially people he loved. He met Kevin when he was young, only fourteen, but he swore he’d loved him then too. It was like Timmy fell in love immediately. He hopelessly pinned over him for years, by eighteen he couldn't keep it in anymore. Kevin didn’t have much of a reaction, he actually didn't say anything at all when he first confessed. Days later he showed up at his door and said they could be boyfriends. Timmy was thrilled. Things were good, he took Kevin on dates, had sleepovers with him, and sometimes Kevin even held his hand in public.
Timmy loved him, he loved him so much but dating a sociopath came with its challenges. It hurt when Kevin didn't care or feel guilty for forgetting about their dates. Timmy had cried over him more times than he could count. Yet somehow, he’d forgive Kevin almost immediately when he saw him next. He just loved him too much, if he stayed mad then Kevin might break up with him.
He learned to put up with it, accept the fact booze and smokes were more important to Kevin then he was, Timmy learned that when he was left alone in a sketchy neighborhood, Kevin had insisted he wanted to take him on a date and boy, Timmy was happy, he got ready, spent hours picking the perfect outfit and doing his eyeliner only for Kevin to stand him up. He cried for hours that night. Wondering if Kevin cared for him at all and even wanted to be with him. Sometimes he felt all Kevin wanted was money, booze and sex. Timmy had to remind himself, his boyfriend is a sociopath, he wasn’t capable of feeling anything. But it still hurt, it made Timmy question his worth.
Sometimes it was good though, sometimes Kevin made him feel so beautiful. He liked it when he caught him staring, analyzing the details of his face or tracing his rough fingers over his skin. He never stopped thinking about the few times Kevin had actually called him beautiful. Timmy tried so hard, he did everything he could to keep his attention. After a year of dating went by he really started to think about his future. He loved Kevin so much, but it was hard, it felt like he had to beg him just to do things together. He wanted to go out, have fun, go to concerts and everything but Kevin only ever wanted to laze around, drink, smoke and sleep. He wasn’t open to changing either. Timmy wanted more, it was hard to see himself loving anyone else, he had loved the raven haired boy for five whole years, and four of those years he spent hopelessly crushing. Yet he knew deep down, he deserved more. He couldn't do this forever. It would surely hurt him more than it hurt Kevin but he had to break up with him, he knew he did. He exhaled softly, reaching for his phone, his heart clenched as he stared at his wallpaper. Kevin looked happy, it was one of Timmy's favorite photos of them. He’d brought Kevin to a concert that night, and it ended up raining on them, they were so drunk they didn't care. The two of them spent hours outside, pushing and shoving each other into the muddy grass. Shawna had taken many pictures. She’d convinced him to confess in the first place and now she was the one telling him he deserved better. Timmy knew she was probably tired of listening to him cry over his shitty boyfriend. Reluctantly he unlocked his phone, despite the absurd time he texted Kevin, telling him to come over tomorrow night to talk.
He planned to at least kiss him once more before letting go. He needed that. Timmy absolutely loved kissing Kevin, he liked the way Kevin's hands held onto him so tightly and the soft groans he’d occasionally let out. He liked the way his boyfriend bit his lip and tugged it between his teeth and that he’d kiss him until their lips were swollen. Fuck, and when he’d push his face into the crook of his neck when they were done and almost always fall asleep like that. He loved sleeping with Kevin in a sexual sense but he also loved sleeping with him in the literal sense. Kevin was small, they fit together perfectly, and he was so clingy in his sleep, which Timmy didn’t expect but enjoyed every second of it. He was going to miss falling asleep with him. But ending things was for the best. He had to move on and let go.
***
The time had gone by agonizingly slow, he was nervous and sick to his stomach, Shawna had spent an hour on the phone reassuring him it would be fine because Kevin couldn't feel anything so he wouldn't get upset, which was true.
Night time rolled around and he went outside, sitting on his front steps and waiting for his soon to be ex boyfriend to show up, he hadn’t seen him or heard much from him in days. Kevin only had messaged him back minutes ago.
Shortly after he sat down his neighbor showed up, missing his hat that Timmy almost never saw him without, instead he had thick white bandages wrapped around his head.
“Gosh, Spencer, what happened?” Timmy asked, jumping to his feet and hurrying to examine his head.
“My asshole father hit me in the head with a lawn dart, I was in the hospital for the last two days, I’m sorry for not coming to see you.” Kevin said.
Timmy’s eyes widened, he was more shocked that Kevin had apologized rather than the fact his father had done something so stupid and careless.
“It’s fine, baby, just… let's go inside.”
Kevin's cheeks flushed, it made Timmy's heart swell, he can’t remember the last time he’d blushed because of him.
He was acting weird, it was even weirder when his boyfriend laced their fingers together and pressed a loving kiss to his lips. “I like it when you call me that.”
Now Timmy was the one blushing, because who was this man and what had he done with his boyfriend? He squeezed his hand and smiled softly before leading him inside and up to his room.
Kevin climbed in his bed and pulled him down with him, this was all so unexpected, the shorter man's arms winding around him as he leaned in to kiss him, it was gentle and loving, no ulterior motive, Timmy melted, kissing him back and pressing closer. He almost forgot the whole reason he invited Kevin over.
“You are so beautiful.” He whispered.
Timmy whined, he had to be dreaming, this couldn't be real. “What’s up with you? That dart must have messed with your brain!” Timmy mumbled.
“Well, actually, yeah. Most people probably wouldn't have survived that, the doctor says things might go back to normal or something, I honestly wasn’t listening and I was really hopped up on the drugs they gave me. But right now, I can feel things. I feel… emotions? Hope this doesn't make me a pathetic sap like you.” He joked.
Timmy frowned, he was sure this wouldn’t last. He couldn’t get attached to this version of Kevin because he knew it wasn’t him, just because he could feel stuff surely Kevin wouldn’t give up drinking and he’d pick booze over him any chance he got. He didn’t want Kevin to hurt, but a selfish part of him also did want him to feel this, Kevin had hurt him so many times without feeling any guilt at all. He’d spent so many nights sobbing till he couldn't think or breathe. Not once had Kevin cared.
“Are you going to say something?” Kevin frowned.
Timmy didn't realize he hadn’t spoken. “S-Sorry. That’s pretty fucked up, I’m glad youre okay, I’m glad youre alive and safe. I hate your dad even more now, I didn’t think that was possible.”
Timmy grumbled.
“I hate him too.” Kevin said, as he reached his hand up, Timmy stayed still as his boyfriend carefully tucked his hair behind his ear. It was so gentle, Kevin had never been soft and gentle with him. “When I came down off all those drugs the hospital gave me, all I could think about was you, how badly I just wanted you. I didn't want my shitty parents near me. I couldn't even text you. Soon as I got home I did, I couldn’t wait to come over. I don’t know how people can just feel emotions all the time. I felt so much at once, I felt scared, sad and angry, the first time I ever felt that. But.. it all seemed to go away when I saw you. Is that how you feel about me?”
Timmy felt sick, because how was he supposed to tell him no, course he loved Kevin, and sometimes he made him so fucking happy and feel butterflies but most of the time he felt so unloved, and sad. Kevin tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy, awaiting an answer.
“Sometimes.” Timmy hummed.
Kevin frowned. “Only sometimes?”
“Sometimes you make me feel scared, sad and angry too. Sometimes it feels like you’re purposefully trying to crush my heart.” Oh boy, it was all coming out now.
“Sometimes… It feels like I will never be anything to you no matter how hard I try, and it breaks me inside knowing you will never love me the way I love you. I thought I’d be okay with it all, because I loved you for four years and you finally wanted me. I convinced myself I’d still be happy and I was… for a while. But then you hurt me and you hurt me again and again. I cried myself to sleep so many times knowing you didn’t even care, you weren’t capable of caring, and fuck, it hurts so much, I know it isn’t your fault but it still destroys me. Because all I have ever wanted was for you to love me. To care, or at least pretend to, but you didn't. Kev- I-” A sob bubbled out of him, and tears leaked down his cheeks. For the first time ever Kevin wrapped his arms around him and pulled their bodies flush together. Timmy sobbed into his shoulder and clung to him. “I’m sorry, Spencer.”
Kevin's arms tightened around him, and Timmy actually felt loved, he let himself enjoy it for a moment.
“Why are you saying sorry? I should be sorry, I didn’t even know, you tried to tell me and I never listened. I am sorry. I'm so sorry.” Kevin whispered. “I’m here”
He really did sound sorry, but this didn't sound like Kevin, not at all, he couldn't get attached to this version of him because it wouldn’t last, of course it wouldn't. He wanted it so bad, but he wouldn't get what he wanted.
Timmy pulled back to look at the man he’d loved for so long, Kevin's eyes were engulfed with guilt and sadness, he’d never seen that look before and it pained him. “I’m sorry because I can’t do it anymore,”
Kevin's eyes went wide, and he shook his head in disbelief. “What are you saying?”
“Kev, we need to break up. I'm sorry, especially for doing this now, I can’t imagine how overwhelmed you must be with all the emotions but I just can’t do it anymore, soon your brain will be back to normal, I'm sure of it but I can’t allow myself to keep hurting like this.”
“But I- I can feel things… it'll be different, I care! I’ll be different now, I can’t lose you.”
Timmy shook his head. “I can’t allow myself to get attached to this version of you, who knows how long it’ll last?”
“It could be forever, I don't know! Can’t we take it day by day? Come on, Timmy… don’t do this.”
Seeing Kevin feel things and beg him was so weird, it made Timmy's stomach twist in knots.
“I can’t..I’m sorry, it’s over.” He could barely say it, but he had to stand his ground, he had to put himself first.
Kevin latched onto him pushing his face in his chest and nuzzling against him, it made his heart ache so bad, then Kevin started crying, loud broken sobs bubbled out of him, his nails dig into his back pulling him impossibly closer, Timmy exhaled, feeling tears begin to leak from his eyes again. He wrapped his arms around Kevin's trembling body. Thinking of all the nights he’s sobbed alone like this.
“I don’t wanna break up.” Kevin whimpered, he sounded so small, so afraid. “You’re all I have, you’re like my home, my real home, I don’t wanna- fuck, I don’t wanna feel-” He cried
Timmy held him closer and stroked his hair, this was so hard, he wanted to give in but he couldn't simply forget and forgive him.
Kevin cried for awhile, he just allowed him to, he held him and kept him close, he took care of the other despite Kevin never doing it for him.
Eventually Kevin lifted his head, sniffling softly. “I love you.” He whispered.
Timmy could feel his heart breaking, that was the first time he’d ever said it and it was over, they were over. Despite that, he reached out and cupped his reddened cheeks.
“I love you too, Spencer. More than you know.”
“I can feel how selfish this is to ask but can I have one more kiss? Let me show you I love you, even if it's the first and last time.”
Timmy smiled sadly. “I felt it when you kissed me earlier but one last time can’t hurt.”
Kevin slipped out of his bed and reached his hand out, Timmy stared at it for a moment before taking it and allowing the other to pull him to his feet.
“This kinda feels like a dream… because this is all I have ever wanted, just to be important to you.” Timmy said sadly.
“You’ve always been important, I just didn’t know it.” Kevin whispered, he reached up to cup his face and Timmy leaned into his touch.
“Now I know, I’d kill for you.” The raven haired man whispered before pressing their lips together and god, it made his legs weak because he could tell Kevin was pouring everything he felt into a final kiss. He almost wished it would never end.
Timmy whined when they parted, keeping his eyes shut for a moment, afraid to see the broken expression he knew lay on Kevin's face.
“I wish I could've spent our whole relationship feeling this, you make me feel like there's butterflies swarming in my stomach. I hate that I wasted all this time, I hate that this is the first time I got to truly feel loved by anyone, but I'm so glad it was you.”
Timmy hadn't even thought about it that way, how could he have not realized that Kevin couldn’t have felt loved by him either. He quickly hugged him again, resting his chin on his head, careful not to hurt him. “I love you so much, Kevin Spencer.”
Timmy felt the way Kevin nuzzled his face deeper into his neck. “I love you too,”
Eventually they parted, Kevin's hand came up to cup his cheek a final time.
“Goodbye, Timmy.”
If Timmy had known that would've been the last time he’d ever gotten to see Kevin he would have never let him go, but how was he supposed to predict that two hours later Kevin would crash a stolen car and take his last breath, alone.