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Evan wretched and gagged as his fingers clawed at the toilet in front of him, vomit spilling out into the porcelain bowl. He coughed, more saliva dripping out of his mouth. His throat burned, the sour taste of stomach acid clinging to his tongue.
He peered into the bowl, tears forming and dropping into the dirty water below him. Pure acid, he hadn't eaten anything all day, he couldn't. His knees throbbed in pain against the hard tile floor, but his arm began to hurt worse as he loosened his grip from the sleek bowl.
Evan sat back, the stall door rattling under his weight. He reached for his backpack, unzipping the front pocket and taking out his anxiety medication. After picking out 2 capsoles from the bottle, he swallowed them back dry. As the dry tablets slid down his throat, he looked around for his phone, finding it after feeling his pants pockets.
As his eyes scanned the text messages on his home screen, he could feel himself almost throw up the pills he'd choked back.
Evan had been waiting to present in his English class, the thought of speaking in front of everyone in the room had been eating away at him all day. He hadn't eaten breakfast and could barely keep down any water without feeling like he was going to puke.
Except he had thrown up, he'd run to the bathroom halfway through the group before his own was presenting. Now, one of his group members, Jared Kleinman, was messaging him like crazy.
[11:39 A.M.; To Evan]
are you serious??
why the fuck would you ditch us
[12:01 P.M.; To Evan]
everyones pissed at you btw
asshole
Evan wiped his face, his fingers shaking as he tried to type out a response, but he didn't know what to say. He could've sworn his anxiety had gotten better, he presented for another class just last week. Another wave of nausea hit him as he crawled forward again, beginning to gag once more. His stomach churned as he clutched his phone, feeling it buzz with another message.
Just as his puke hit the water for a third time that day, the door to the bathroom swung open. He didn't have to see to know it was pushed with much force, as he could hear it slam back against the wall. Evan could feel himself shrink back in the stall, his head spinning, his body heating up, and he could feel his back grow slick with sweat. Panic set in as he flushed the toilet, watching his own sick swirl down further into the bowl until it was completely drained away.
Evan could feel footsteps pacing, walking in circles, or maybe just back and forth. Then, as the pipes finished groaning, the footsteps stopped. Evan froze, sitting up and reaching for his backpack. He didn’t have a plan for getting out of the bathroom and back to class, but returning to English to face Jared and the rest of his group… He’d rather wait it out until next period.
Evan had stopped paying attention to the other person in the bathroom. Maybe if he were just quiet and let them do their thing, they wouldn’t ask why he was in the stall for so long. He just hoped he didn’t stink up the bathroom with vomit. Evan pressed his back against the side of the stall again, bringing his knees to his chest. He considered calling his mom, but he knew she was at work. He couldn’t ask her to come, her job was more important than him throwing up at school over anxiety.
His breathing was quick, panicked, as he sat there. Evan felt a burn in his throat, his eyes beginning to tear up. His heart had been beating against his chest, drumming rapidly up until the point where he had thrown up, and even then, it had yet to slow down all the way. Evan picked up his phone to check the time, freezing as he was met with more messages. But to his relief, they were not from the 'insanely cool' Jared Kleinmen. They were from his maybe, but probably not, boyfriend, Connor Murphy.
Evan wasn't entirely sure what they were. Connor kissed him all the time and had begun hanging out with him around school. He'd invite Evan to his house, where they would lock themselves in Connor's large, squalid room, then maybe kiss some more. But Connor hadn't ever asked him out. Jared kept telling Evan, "I think you're actually gay," but when Evan asked Jared if he thought Connor liked him, Jared acted like Evan was insane for suggesting anyone liked him at all.
Evan audibly sighed, feeling another wave of nausea wash over him, trying to will himself to move closer to the toilet again. But just as he began to push himself off the side of the stall, someone hit against the locked door. Evan gasped, sliding back onto the floor, startled. He looked at the door with shock, frozen in place as his eyes locked onto the door. He wasn’t sure if he should speak, was it an accident? Surely, there were other stalls open.
“Evan?” A voice called out. Evan perked up, his shoulders beginning to relax and release tension. “Evan,” It called again, softer this time, “Are you in here?” Evan looked down, a black boot was kicking at his backpack under the stall door.
“Yes,” Evan replied timidly, glancing towards the lock on the door, his hands itching to grab it and throw it open. His abdomen ached and pinched, as if someone was grabbing at his gut and squeezing it as hard as they could. It made it hard to focus on the boy on the other side.
There had been a constant ringing in Evan’s ear, and the longer he held his head up, the louder it got. Between that, the pain in his stomach, and the sound of his heart racing and blood rushing, it felt like he was being crushed down by a ton of bricks to curl into a ball and start sobbing on the floor. Evan hugged his knees tighter, trying to refrain from doing just as his instincts instructed. That wouldn’t help anything. His instincts sucked, anyway. When was this medication going to kick in? Evan was beginning to question if he’d taken any at all. Surely, he did, he remembered opening the bottle, right?
Had he thrown it up? Maybe he took the wrong dose. When had he even taken it? Just as Evan reached for his bag that sat just in front of him, he froze, looking up and staring at something other than the floor, or his own knees, or the toilet for the first time in 20 minutes. Connor Murphy was halfway into the stall, crawling under the door, stomach pressed against the cold floor. He looked annoyed, his expression set to its regular smolder that he seemed to always have. His black painted nails were digging into the dirty grit in between the tiles as he pushed himself further into the cramped space.
Connor took in Evan’s shock, a smile beginning to play on his lips. “What? You weren’t answering me,” Connor pulled himself into a sitting position, his feet against Evan’s own. “You should stop doing that. I keep thinking you’re having a seizure.”
“What, not answering you?” Evan inquired, his voice quiet and shaky.
“Yeah, people who have seizures don’t answer other people,” Connor replied.
“When have I ever had a seizure?” Evan reasoned, beginning to wonder if Connor was actually serious, or if he was just messing around with him.
"You never know. That's what people who haven't had seizures before say before they get one." Connor's response was lighthearted. Of course, he knew Evan wasn't actually seizing. He could smell the vomit on his breath. And before he'd even seen Evan's feet under the crack in the stall, he could hear his hyperventilating, which Evan always claimed was not hyperventilating.
However, he didn't need any of those clues to figure out Evan was throwing up in the bathroom. Connor was in his English class, too. They obviously hadn't chosen their groups for the project that led to all of this spiraling, or else Connor would've asked Evan to be his partner. And Evan wouldn't be stuck with Jared. Evan had ended up doing most of the research, writing, citations... really, most of the assignment, by himself. He had stressed over it to Connor since their teacher gave them the materials to start it.
Evan had been quiet this morning. Connor had driven Evan to school because his mom had work, and they barely talked the entire way there. Evan wasn't too much of a talker in the morning, or much of one at all when going to or at school. Connor knew it was because he was nervous, he hated school. But in the car, Evan was practically silent, which was different. The little talking he did was normally Evan complaining about his mom, or Jared, or worrying over something related to school. Sometimes he'd talk about a movie he wanted to see, or a book Connor gave him to read.
Despite their regular, already-sparse conversation, it had been Connor just talking to a wall that morning. Every time he looked over at Evan, it looked like he was on a different planet entirely. He'd been so spaced out that he failed to realize they had even arrived at school.
Connor could tell this was all from the presentation. Or most of it, some of it was just Evan being Evan. Connor had presented before Evan. He actually had done some of the work, wrote his own slides, and did his own research. It was probably formatted wrong, he didn't put too much effort into his citations, and his research was light and written vaguely on the slides. But it was more than he normally did.
One of the other member's of his group presented his slides for him, he stood up there during their turn next to them and didn't really do anything. But it was the most effort he'd put into a group assignment for a while. He'd only done it so Evan would stop worrying about Connor's grade, too.
Evan had excused himself to the bathroom after Connor's group went, which should've been enough time to use the bathroom and come back to present his own slides. But he wasn't using the bathroom, he was vomiting and having a panic attack. Connor hadn't asked to go to the bathroom. He just walked out, like he always did.
He was sick of listening to Jared, and Connor had to sit next to Alana, who was obsessed with talking to him after he'd gotten out of rehab. He normally ignored her, considering the fact that most of the stuff Alana talked to him about came off as condescending pity. Connor wasn't a fan. He'd blocked her Sophomore year because her Tweets were annoying.
"So, you're not seizing. Wanna go to the nurse?" Connor asked Evan. They'd been sitting there with their feet between each other's. Evan shook his head, they'd call his mom. Then she'd have to leave work, and that was bad.
"N-no, I'm staying here until next period," Evan told him. Connor rolled his eyes, "Evan, you're throwing up. I can drive you home, if you want." Evan shook his head again. He didn't want to miss school or worry his mom. She didn't need to be more stressed than she already was.
Connor huffed, growing slightly annoyed, but bit it back. Evan wasn't in his right mind, he'd have to reason with him in a different way. "Okay, well... We could eat lunch in my car? Or sit in my car during lunch, you're probably not eating."
"Okay..." Evan agreed quietly. That was easy, lunch was next period. They could sit here until the bell rang, then go out to Connor's and chill out before class started again.
Evan could feel the pounding in his chest slow, maybe those pills kicked in after all. Or maybe it was Connor, and his stupid smirk. Evan noticed he either looked really angry, or had a shit-eating grin. He wasn't sure which category the looks he usually got from Connor sat in.
Connor was currently staring at him, Evan could practically feel Connor's eyes burning holes through his cheeks. Evan was unused to being stared at or perceived. Anything other than ignored felt different, but he would never ask Connor to stop. He was pretty sure he liked the way that Connor made him nervous.
It wasn't the same as any other type of nerve Evan felt. This one was fun? In a way? He didn't know how to explain it, but it was like the same way he had gotten nervous to see a movie. Minus the worry that he'd pee himself in the theater, or spill his drink, or have to get up so he wouldn't pee himself in the theater. And then while getting up, he'd get in people's way, so they'd get mad and throw popcorn at him.
None of those things actually happened, he was always able to sit through the movies without getting up, and he'd never spilt anything before. Thankfully. He was just worried that they would, but usually the worry wasn't so bad that he wouldn't go. He only didn't go once because he already felt like he was going to throw up before going, and throwing up was maybe more embarrassing than peeing himself. But he didn't exactly know.
So actually, these feelings were nothing like how he felt at the movies. This one was probably the closest he felt to excitement. Evan had little to no reason to normally feel excited. He'd only figured out he was excited, not nervous, to see Connor because he'd written about it in one of his letters to his therapist.
[Dear Evan Hansen,
Today is going to be a good day, and here's why:
Today, Connor's coming over after school. I feel like throwing up, but not really the kind where I need to stay home, it just feels like I can't sleep. And also, I can't eat, but it's not because I'm not hungry, I just can't focus on eating.
This is different from when I normally can't eat and want to throw up. Like that time he signed my cast before he went back to the mental hospital, or maybe it was rehab. I don't remember, and bringing it up is awkward. I think. I've never been, sort of. But this feeling is like, I don't want to avoid him. I feel like I won't throw up if I see him.
I actually did throw up once over my cast being signed because then I had to visit him in the hospital because his parents thought we were friends, and it was kind of weird because we weren't. But now we are so it's not weird because that day wasn't a good day, but that day also isn't today.
But today will be a good day because I'm friends with Connor and he does like talking to me, which is really nice. He also told me he did mean to sign my cast. And also he asked to come over, so this isn't a me thing.
Today is going to be a good day because I won't be alone today, and Connor already texted me good morning. So it'll be a good day.
Sincerely, Me]
Or the letter went something like that. Evan recalled his therapist being excited to read that letter specifically. He congratulated Evan on having a friend, a real one, that wasn't the 'insanely cool' Jared Kleinman. Evan learned that he was capable of feeling good nerves, too. Not just the bad ones.
He was feeling that excitement now while looking at Connor. They were still in the stall, waiting for the bell to ring. Connor was scrolling on his phone, tilting it over every few minutes to show Evan something he saw online. Connor played a lot of video games, and he knew more about things online than Evan did.
Evan didn't really understand what Connor was showing him sometimes, but he liked hearing Connor explain something. Evan liked hearing his voice. He'd moved closer towards Connor, their shoulder's pressed together as they sat on the floor. The feeling in Evan's gut had gone from nausea to butterflies.
He'd caught himself watching Connor's expressions as he scrolled. His eyebrows would twitch, or he'd let out a quick breath of air through his nose when he found something slightly funny that didn't quite deserve an audible laugh. Evan could smell the minty, nicotine gum that Connor often chewed on his breath.
Connor wasn't allowed to smoke anymore. He technically wasn't allowed to anyway, but now his parents actually searched his room and took his lighters, weed, and cigarettes, now that he was out of the hospital. So he had to order nicotine gum from Amazon without his parents knowing, it helped with withdrawal.
It was easy to hide, considering most people always assumed he was high anyway. So now it just looked like he was chewing gum, which was sort of true. It also made him a little high sometimes. Evan had grown used to the scent of nicotine and weed in general, it lingered on most of Connor's clothing.
Evan had yet to actually check his phone. By the time the bell rang, he was leaning against Connor, watching Connor's own phone screen over his shoulder. Connor was stroking Evan's hair, his nimble fingers gliding over his scalp. Evan's eyes were lidded, Connor knew he was falling asleep. He always got tired after throwing up.
Connor nudged Evan to stand up as the bell rang, who was trying to blink the exhaustion out of his eyes. People had come and gone in and out of the bathroom, they could tell at least one person was still in there with them. This made Evan nervous, but by the time he'd pulled himself up and grabbed his backpack, Connor had thrown open the stall door and walked out. Evan could feel the other people in the bathroom staring at them.
They'd just come out of the same stall, which had been locked. And they were both weird, so Evan had already been asked if they were dating before. He never knew what to say because he didn't really know either. Connor stood next to Evan as he washed his hands. He hadn't gotten a chance to after throwing up until now. Connor was staring at Evan in the mirror, their eyes meeting in an intense glare.
If Evan wasn't in front of other people, he'd probably try to make some sort of clumsy move or attempt at flirting. But what if Connor didn't want people knowing they were talking, or going out, or whatever? Maybe that's why he hadn't asked Evan out yet. The thought itself bloomed from a comment Jared made about Connor, which was baseless, Jared was just being a jerk again.
Evan rushed out of the bathroom, his anxiety growing by the second. Connor caught up to him, grabbing the handle on Evan's backpack and pulling him backwards a little harsher than intended.
Evan stumbled back against Connor, almost running into someone else. They moved through the hallway, Connor's hand staying where it was on Evan's bag. They had to walk the entire way to the side entrance to get out to the senior parking lot, and even to just get out of the building without getting caught anyway.
They walked the empty halls together, it seemed like the walls stretched on. Evan assumed it was because he was tired, it was irrational to believe the building had the ability to stretch on. That didn’t make the walk feel any shorter, though. Amidst the lockers and bulletin-boarded walls, a few other people hung back. These people were certainly not acquaintances with Connor and Evan, they were strictly peers and would never be anything more because Evan Hansen was Evan Hansen, and Connor Murphy was Connor Murphy.
Regardless of whether these peers of theirs were slow walkers, or people who didn't eat because they were 'never hungry', or losers in general, so they had no one to sit with (what was the point of going anyway?) One of these people was Jared Kleinman, who certainly fell into the loser category.
Evan avoided looking at him entirely. Like maybe if he didn't look at Jared, Jared wouldn't see him at all. Evan often found himself wishing he had camouflage. But specifically around Jared. And even more so when Evan was with Connor in front of Jared. He acted differently. Connor's observation skills were rash, he simply didn't care enough to take in his surroundings to a large enough extent to the point where he could be considered as 'observant.' That being said, he was either ignoring Jared or was blocking him out subconsciously.
Jared walked towards them, a scowl on his face as he approached. "Oh my God, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Evan was silent, he had never been good at forming words whenever someone was talking to him, let alone when they were angry.
"So you ran away from class to skip with him?" Jared gestured aggressively towards Connor. Evan shook his head, trying to get out a response. The words caught in his throat like fabric on thorns. "No," Was all Evan managed to squeak out.
"What then? Because from what I remember, you ran away to the bathroom after Connor's group presented, and then he followed you!" Evan swallowed back the bile that rose in his throat. Throwing up wouldn't help, it would be embarrassing, and Jared would never let it go.
"No, it wasn't like that," Connor piped up. He'd been standing next to Evan, glaring at Jared and rolling his eyes so hard whenever Jared spoke, they practically reached the back of his skull. "It was something else."
"Right, that's what you said last time. Are you constipated? Why is he always following you?" Jared demanded, crossing his arms.
"Why would me being there solve constipation?" Connor shot back, shaking his head and furrowing his brows.
"I didn't mean to skip the presentation." Evan's voice was tuned to its regular, quiet, shaky tone. One Jared knew and had heard their entire family-'friendship'.
"You're screwed when I tell the rest of our group that you snuck away from our project to go suck Connor Murphy's dick, you know that? I'm telling the teacher, too!" Jared's voice was rising at a steady incline, as if getting louder every time he let out a slew of words meant to embarrass the two boys in front of him.
"I would never let him suck my dick," Connor spat back, his shoulders tensing defensively. His face contorted into an expression of frustration and disdain. He grabbed Evan's wrist, digging his fingers into his pale skin. Evan followed him like a dog on a leash, tripping awkwardly to keep up with him.
"I told you he doesn't like you." Jared sneered at Evan as Connor shouldered past him. Jared gave a rough shove to Evan's shoulder, unsatisfied at the outcome. Jared hadn't expected Connor to take Evan with him after that outburst. He also hadn't expected to witness the scene in front of him as he watched their figures rush away.
As they hurried down the hallway, Connor dropped Evan's wrist in favor of throwing an arm over his shoulder, rubbing over the fabric of Evan's shirt lightly. Jared's eyes narrowed on the way Connor's fingers brushed over Evan's neck as he moved his arm to hug him, the way his hand squeezed Evan's shoulder in what Jared could only perceive as a means of comfort and affection.
"He's a dick. Why do you even bother with him, Evan?" Connor pushed, forcing open the door. The cool, early Spring air chilled their faces and arms. "You know he's into you, right?"
Evan was taken aback. Jared Kleinman? Into him? No way. Never in a million years. "No, he's not. But he is a dick, you're right about that part." Evan replied, trying to keep up with Connor's quick stride.
Connor stopped on the sidewalk that dipped into the senior parking lot, whirling around and fixing Evan with a look that made him feel like he was frozen in place. "Evan, I'm telling you. He's jealous. And he's totally into you! Has he ever acted this way towards you before we became friends?"
"Yeah, he's always been mean to me, you know-" "That's not what I mean!" Connor cut Evan off, the look on his face making Evan shrink in on himself. Was Connor mad at him for this? He didn't think Jared liked him at all. How could he be into him romantically?
"I- I don't really know what it's supposed to look like. Are you sure he likes me?" Evan murmured. It was true, he didn't understand or know what romantic feelings looked like. What he was able to pick up on in these last five minutes was that Connor was greatly opposed to the thought of Evan going anywhere near his genitalia. What did that mean? So Connor didn't like him either, and Jared was right?
Evan could feel stomach acid burn in his throat, the feeling of nausea beginning to wrack his body in harsh waves. Connor was flipping his world upside down. Jared liked him, and Connor didn't? That's what he was saying?
"Ev?" Connor prompted, his voice dropping to a lower tone. He was still frustrated, probably pissed. The fact that Evan couldn't see that Jared was jealous enraged Connor. He didn't trust Jared at all. Especially because Connor felt that if Jared could convince Evan that they were into each other, that they should date, Evan would end up at square one.
Jared was not popular, Connor could see right through him. He was an insensitive jerk who couldn't play sports and couldn't read music to save his life. He may be good at math, but that 'talent' wouldn't get him further than a dead-end job as an elementary school math teacher.
Jared was also getting in Connor's way. He wasn't good at expressing his emotions, except for, apparently, to everyone else, anger. But even if he didn't know how to put it into words, he really did like Evan. He'd liked someone before, his old dealer. But that felt transactional. Connor felt drawn to that boy because it meant more weed. Not because he wanted to kiss him.
Evan was different from anyone Connor had met. He wasn't some freak who deserved to be at the bottom of the hierarchy. He was a quiet teenage boy who failed to learn socialization and connection from the time that he was in pre-school. He wasn't like Connor, who had both his parents and a sister, who all had enough money that they could put them both through college without any sort of debt.
Evan was not like Connor, who had no 'reason' to behave the way he did at first glance. Evan was more dedicated to school and his grades in just one year than Connor ever had been in his life. He worked hard for a reward that was, truly, next to nothing. Connor could see his own hurt written all over Evan's face. He could when he'd signed that cast, he could when his parents forced Evan into visiting him at the hospital because they'd mistaken Evan's letter to himself for a suicide note the night Connor had attempted, and failed, to take his own life.
Lies or not, Connor appreciated seeing a different face at the hospital. To have someone talk about school. About trees. About a summer job as a park ranger. About anything that wasn't depression, or anger, or 'what's next'. It was normal, like they were two regular teenagers with nothing wrong, who really did sneak into an orchard together, because that's what two regular teenagers did.
Hearing about the fake emails, about the lies Evan had failed to break from, it made Connor feel lighter. Evan had put that much thought into their hypothetical friendship? In favor of trying to help Connor's family feel better about the fact that their screw-up son did have a friend, and a really good one at that.
Connor was happy Evan stuck around, that he hadn't run away after Connor caught him in those lies. Because then they really did go to the orchard, they really did get ice cream together. And now, Connor and Evan shared emails between themselves when Connor was at the hospital.
Connor never told his parents their relationship started as a lie, they didn't have to know right now. Or ever. If his family thought of Evan as some golden light of hope, Connor would let them think that. Because Connor knew Evan was a light, he had felt it burn inside. He had seen it shining from afar.
So Connor shook his head, suppressing the anger he felt towards Jared. He wouldn't let Jared take over another moment of theirs. He took in the way Evan was looking at him like an injured animal, his heart ached. It ached organically. And for someone else.
"Okay..." Connor sighed, "He doesn't like you, if that's what you think. But he is a jealous prick. I don't like him for you."
Evan looked into Connor's eyes, they'd softened under his stark, black bangs. He was still confused and a little hurt. The anger and frustration on Connor's face, like Evan was gross and Jared was crazy for suggesting something like that. But now, Connor thought that Jared had feelings for Evan? Was this his way of turning Evan away?
The waves of nausea grew as his anxiety set in. He couldn't get the words out as he stood there in front of Connor like a statue, the world was frozen around him. His heart pounded again, the blood rushing in his ears sounded like a rainstick being flipped upside down.
Evan's chest ached, and the panic was a heavy brick dropped on his sternum. Connor wasn't into him. He was ridiculous for thinking otherwise. He'd jumped the gun. He'd never had a real friend, but this proved he couldn't. Friends can kiss just because. That doesn't mean Connor is in love with him. It meant Connor tolerated him enough to get out a horny feeling for a moment.
Connor stepped forward, moving around the vomit that Evan hadn't remembered coughing up onto the concrete in front of him. But Connor's sweatshirt was draped over Evan's shoulders. Connor had his hand on Evan's back, rubbing in slow circles.
"You need to go home, Ev," Connor murmured, a whisper under his breath that lacked a rude comment. A tone he saved for Evan because his patient was thin and wore away quickly, he was short with everyone else to save it all for Evan. Because Evan deserved to have someone who let him take things slowly and repetitively.
Connor had never seen someone throw up from anxiety as much as Evan did. Connor had experience from easing Evan into a sitting position, even though Evan never listened to him, and he always locked his knees whenever he had a panic attack.
He had experience in preventing Evan from collapsing onto the floor, curling up into a ball, and crying. Connor wasn't exactly equipped to deal with it, but he knew Evan's methods never actually worked. So he always just sat with him on the floor, or lay with him on one of their beds. Evan snapped out of his trance, shaking his head and trying to push away from where he was sitting on the curb, leaning against Connor. He didn't recall sitting down, but he assumed Connor had coaxed him into it somehow.
"No! I don't need to go home. And if I do, I'll call my mom," Evan rushed, still trying to sit himself up without Connor supporting him.
"Your mom? Ev, I thought your mom worked all day. I can drive you, I'm going home anyway," Connor offered. He had no real reason to go home, other than the fact that he wanted to.
Evan looked up at Connor with tearful eyes, his chest still aching, now accompanied by a headache. He hadn't gotten actually sick from a panic attack in about a month, not since Connor began sitting with him during them. Connor sighed, pulling Evan close into his side. He pressed a gentle kiss to Evan's temple. His hand snaked up Evan's back, brushing through his hair softly.
"Stop, you're sweet-talking me," Evan mumbled, unable to pull away from Connor's affection.
"I'm not talking," Connor reminded, standing up and grabbing Evan's bag along with his own.
"You know what I meant," Evan huffed, watching Connor take his bag.
"I'm not picking you up, c'mon," Connor grabbed Evan's hands, trying to pull him up.
Evan let himself get pulled, standing up with shaky knees. He tugged at the sweatshirt around his shoulders. It was a pleasant surprise, he'd completely forgotten about it. Evan swallowed back the worry, his attention focused on the way Connor was gingerly holding his hands.
"Did you mean it?" Evan blurted, his tears falling in steady streams.
"Mean what?" Connor inquired, watching Evan's face intently.
"The..." Evan went quiet. This was irrational, getting mad at Connor for not wanting to have sex... But was it ridiculous? Just to be curious, what were they? "You told Jared that... I couldn't ever...," Evan cleared his throat, trying to make it less awkward. It was hard with Connor looking at him that like.
"When you said that you would never let me suck your-," Evan cut himself off, unable to meet Connor's eyes. He fucked it up. "You know what? Never mind, I don't want to or anything, we're like, way far from that, I think. I actually was just kind of confused because, like... Jared says there's no way you like me, but then we kiss... And you said Jared likes me... But I actually haven't ever liked anyone like this before, and you're, like, my best friend. And if you don't feel that way, in any of the ways, that's okay, too. I just wanted you to know how I feel and that I'm really confused..."
Connor stared at Evan, processing his spiraling faster than normal. Then, guilt rippled through Connor. He hadn't meant to confuse Evan and cause all of this anxiety. He was just going at what he thought was their pace.
"No, no, wait. Stop. I do like you. I told you Jared's jealous and he already kind of hates me," Connor reasoned, unsure of how to get his feelings across. He didn't want Evan to throw up again.
"Can you stop bringing him up?" Evan met his eyes, more tears falling. His whole body was shaking from nerves. Now he really did want to go home. He didn't care what they were, he was too upset to care. As long as Connor stuck around..., "Wait. You like me?"
Connor smiled, brushed Evan's wet cheek with his knuckle, beginning to pull him towards his car. "You need to clear your head," Connor told Evan, digging around in his pockets for what Evan assumed was more nicotine gum.
"I don't want any," Evan insisted. Then he felt slightly embarrassed at seeing Connor take his car keys out of his pocket, not gum.
"Yeah, yeah, that's not up for grabs," Connor murmured playfully, realizing what Evan thought he was reaching for.
The car unlocked, Evan felt the cool metal of the handle against his fingertips as he pulled it to open the unlocked door. Connor threw their bags into the backseat, making his way to the front and quickly starting the car.
Connor sped out of the parking lot, not a car in the world for his attendance. The drive now mirrored the one they'd had this morning. Except Evan wasn't quiet from anxiety, he was quiet from being asleep. Connor smiled at him, watching the way Evan's salty tears stuck and dried up on his pale cheeks the longer he slept. Connor was a little surprised he'd fallen asleep so fast, but he couldn't blame him. It was a lot, school, anxiety, relationships. Connor understood the exhaustion, he had his fair share of days in bed.
The road was lined by fresh spring grass, the Sun shining in the cloudy blue sky just a little too bright for Connor's liking. He appreciated the Sun peaking through anyway. Had this been a regular day, Evan would've asked him to go for a walk after school. But who knows, maybe he would still ask later. Connor parked his car next to the curb outside of Evan's house. He shook him awake. Evan let out a groan. "You're home. I don't have to come in," Connor's voice was still uncharacteristically soft, but never unwelcomed.
"Are... Do you have to leave? I mean, you can if you don't want to stay," Evan's eyes were still closed, exhaustion dripping in his voice.
"Told you," Connor remarked, unbuckling his seat belt and making his way to the passenger side to let Evan out. "I'm still not carrying you," Connor prompted. Evan sighed, reluctantly getting out.
Connor followed Evan up the few steps leading to the front porch. He opened the door without a key, it was unlocked. Evan had forgotten to lock the door this morning in his panic over that presentation. And thank God for that, considering he collapsed on the couch nearly the second his feet hit the hardwood floors. Evan looked up in surprise, opening his tired eyes to find Connor kneeling at the end of the couch, untying and tugging off Evan's shoes. No one had ever done that for him before, he certainly hadn't expected it from Connor.
"You should sleep in your bed," Connor insisted, his hand pressing to Evan's forehead, then running through his dirty blond hair.
"I can't walk, I'm sleeping here," Evan curled up into the couch, closing his eyes again.
Connor let out a groan before sliding his arms under Evan's body, picking him up, and holding him close. Connor wasn't used to lifting people, it took him a moment to adjust. But he made his way up the stairs, his arms shaking under Evan's weight.
"You said you weren't carrying me," Evan pressed his cheek to Connor's shoulder, his words a sleepy mumble.
"I felt bad. And I need practice for when I ask you out and carry you to bed every time you stay over." Connor was smiling, his cheeks a light pink at the thought.
"When you what?" Evan asked, had he heard Connor wrong?
"Nothing, Ev," Connor was pressing kisses to his forehead as he walked into Evan's room and lay him down on the bed. "I'll tell you later."
Evan didn't respond, his body sank into the familiar warmth of his bed. He barely reacted when Connor brought him a change of clothes. Evan managed to maneuver out of his jeans, wiggling into his sweatpants. He hadn't even realized he'd just changed in front of Connor Murphy... That epiphany was for later.
Connor didn't hesitate to lie with Evan, kissing his face all over. He spooned him, wrapping them both up in Evan's blankets. Connor's mind wandered to how he would ask Evan out as he watched him fall asleep against his chest. Connor stroked Evan's cheek, pressing a kiss to the crown of Evan's head.
Connor managed to press his lips against Evan, who was pretty much asleep aside from the small complaint he whispered out about Connor tasting like weed. It was nicotine. Close enough. Connor's expression hadn't shifted from the smile adorned across his face as he stared at Evan, his own eyelids beginning to feel heavy.
"I lied," Connor stroked Evan's hair, waiting for a response that never came. "I would let you suck my dick."
"What??" Evan let out a breathy sigh with his words. He'd definitely heard that one wrong, right?
Connor's smile grew, he hugged Evan closer under their small escape of Evan's comforter, "Nothing, Ev." Another kiss was pressed to Evan's forehead, tender and sweet. "I'll tell you later."