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After a gruesome practice that left his teammates almost limping, Ilya went home to his huge house. From outside, one would think that whoever lives in this house must be accomplished and happy. But not Ilya. It’s been a couple of weeks since Hollander ran away from his house. Everytime Ilya comes home, he feels like suffocating. Since that day, he has never sat on the couch, can’t even look at it without seeing Hollander, hearing him say his name for the first time. The memory was burned in his head. He did this. He ruined the only thing that was good in his life. Blyat!
He walked into his house not bothering to turn the lights on. The early light of the evening shines through the floor to ceiling glass walls. He went straight to his fridge and grabbed a bottle of vodka. He drank directly from the bottle, letting the burning sensation linger in his throat through his chest. Why can’t the burn reach his heart? He grabbed his phone looking at the last message he sent to Jane. He took another swig of the alcohol and stared at his phone hoping that by staring at it, he could get Hollander to text him. He misses him and now he can never have him again. He ruined it. Tears were running through his cheeks. He didn’t notice it until he saw the teardrops on his phone. He cried until he passed out on his bedroom floor.
The next morning came in a blur. His head is pounding and his phone is buzzing next to his head. He answered the call without looking at the screen
“What the fuck do you want?”
“Ohh someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed”
He heard Marleau on the other line.
“Marley, I am not in the mood today. What do you want?”
Marleau snorting on the other line
“I am passing by that coffee shop that Connors was going nuts about and I am just calling to check if you wanted anything since you are quiet in the group chat”
He sat up and the world tilted a bit
“Just get me whatever”
Cliff chuckled “Ok Cap! See you at practice!”
Right practice. He got up and went straight to the shower. He stood under the water until it ran cold, brushed his teeth, popped a couple of pain killers for his pounding headache then drank water until he felt like he couldn't take anymore. He went downstairs, passing the kitchen and glancing at the couch that hadn't been touched or sat on for a week before he turned his back to the door.
He walked into the TD Garden feeling empty. He didn’t stop when someone greeted him, didn’t look at anyone. As soon as he walked into the gym, he could see Marleau and Connors giggling on Marleaus’ phone.
“Hey Cap! Look at this! You’re gonna shit man!”
Marleau handed the phone to him while giggling like a teenager. His eyes widened as soon as he saw the headline on the gossip site.
MLH Superstar Shane Hollander seen walking hand in hand with Actress Rose Landry in Montreal
His stomach sank and he felt bile climbing his throat No..No..No..
Shane woke up before his alarm. He grabbed his phone hoping to see a message from the only name he cares about in his contact list aside from his parents Lily. But there was nothing from that name. He felt a stabbing pain to his heart. He got up and changed into his workout clothes and went straight to the gym in his basement. An hour later, he was at his kitchen pulling out the ingredients for his post workout smoothie when his phone started buzzing non-stop. His heart skipped a beat but got disappointed when he saw that notification banner that it was just from his team group chat. It was unusual for his teammates to be this rowdy at 7am so he opened the team chat.
JJ: Cap! You owe me a drink! Call me Mr. Matchmaker!
Drapeu: Cap snagging the hottest actress in Hollywood? I never thought I’d see this day coming!
Comeu: Hollander, tell us your secret!
Hayden: Leave him alone dipshits! Happy for you bud!
Me: We are just friends guys.
Drapeu: Boo!
JJ: Boo!
Comeu: Boo!
Koch: Boo!
Shane opened twitter for the first time in months. He rarely uses it, not unless he is forced to post something related to his brand deals. The first thing he sees is the headline from a gossip site.
MLH Superstar Shane Hollander seen walking hand in hand with Actress Rose Landry in Montreal
Check link in bio to see full story!
Shane scrolled through the comments and a lot of people are speculating about his relationship with Rose. As he was reading the comments, his phone buzzed, a text from Rose.
Rose Landry: Hey Shane. I’m sorry about the rumours swirling around the internet. Please don’t be mad at me…
Me: Hi Rose! No, it’s okay. It’s not a big deal. I should be the one apologizing. I didn’t think holding your hand so you wouldn’t slip while walking on ice covered pavement would cause chaos.
Rose Landry: Ha! I hope your guy doesn’t believe the rumours though
Then it hit him. Ilya. Has he seen this? Does he think I am dating Rose? Last night was the first time he realized what he had lost. When Rose asked him an innocent but curious question.
“Sooo being the Captain of one of the legendary hockey teams, there must be a lot of women lining up for you. Are you seeing anyone?”
The question made Shane choke on his beer which made Rose laugh
“Oh I'm so sorry for being so straightforward with that question. It’s none of my business obviously. It’s the wine talking. Sorry!”
Shane just chuckled “Oh no you’re okay! I just didn’t see that question coming but yeah. There is someone important but uhh yeah” Rose gave her a knowing smile.
He was still at his kitchen staring at nothing when he was pulled back to reality by his buzzing phone “Mom” calling
“Shane, is this true? You’re dating Rose Landry?”
“No mom, we met at a party but we are just friends”
“Okay, did her camp contact you yet? How do you want to handle this?
He thought about the rumours. Would it be good for him? For everyone to think that the perfect Captain of the Metros is dating a perfect actress? Then then he remembered what his mom said when they were talking about the trip to London for Wimbledon a week ago “But we don’t want you to lie honey, that’s not who you are”
“Shane? You still there?”
“Oh yeah mom. Rose’s team hasn’t reached out to me but I was texting with her a minute ago. Maybe just post a statement that we are just friends?”
“Oh okay” He can hear a slight disappointment in his mother’s voice.
“I will draft a statement and send them over to you”
“Thanks, mom. I have to get ready for practice. Let’s talk again later?”
“Okay honey I love you!”
“Love you mom. Bye.”
He got ready and went to the rink for practice. As soon as he walked in the locker room, his team was clapping and whistling.
JJ was the first one to speak
“There’s our stud! Capitaine, only you can snag the most famous actress in the world right now! Shane motherfucking Hollander everyone!”
His team is clapping his back, grinning and whistling at him.
“Okay, stop it or I will make all of you do bag skate for 2 hours” That instantly made his whole team shut up.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought”.
Everyone went back to putting their practice gear on and making their way out of the locker room. Shane looked at his phone one last hoping to see a text from the only person he wants to hear from right now. Nothing. He shoved his phone back to his back and made his way to the rink.
“Hey Cap! You okay?”
He can barely hear Marleau’s voice due to the blood rushing through his ears. So that was it. He ran away and went straight to the arms of Rose fucking Landry. He felt Marleau’s hand on his shoulder giving him a squeeze making him flinch. He shoved the phone to Marleau’s chest and ran to the door without looking back at Marleau who was calling out his name.
Ilya went straight to the locker to grab his phone and his keys. On the way out he was met by LeClaire
“Roz, can you meet me at my office? I wanted to check the line ch..”
He walked past his coach without sparing him a glance. LeClaire was stunned. He didn’t stop when he heard his coach shouting his name. He went straight to his car, started it and the engine growled. He was holding the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned white. He drove out of the player’s parking lot and was met by heavy rain. Great. Even heaven is crying for him. The road was clear so he stepped on the gas and everything around him started to blur with how fast he was going. He is sure he is breaking about a hundred traffic laws right now but he couldn’t care less. He drove with no destination in mind. His vision was blurring with tears, his chest is heaving he feels like drowning, he can't breathe. The wheel slipped his hand and he lost control of the car then everything went black.
“Mama, everything hurts” was the first thing Ilya thought when he woke up. He can hear people shouting but it is muffled. He felt a sharp pain in his head and ribs. He can’t open his eyes. He was drifting again then he saw that familiar smile. His favorite smile, freckles bunching up his cheeks as he laughs. “Shane” then everything went black again.
Shane was pulling his hoodie over his head when he heard JJ gasped
“Holy shit! Rozanov’s car crashed in Boston his condition and where he was brought to was undisclosed as requested by the Raider’s management according to ESPN”
Everyone gathered around JJ but Shane stood frozen in front of his stall. He can’t move and all of a sudden he can’t breathe. No one noticed but Hayden
“Hey Shane, buddy are you okay?” He just looked at Hayden, tears pooling in his eyes. His chest is heaving but he can’t seem to get air into his lungs.
He is trying his best not to sob in front of his team “Hayd, I need to get out of here” his voice barely a whisper “I need to get to him, I need to get out of here Hayd. Please, I need to get to him” Hayden looked at him with concern and understanding “Okay buddy, let’s get you out of here” he grabbed Shane’s duffle bag and guided him out of the locker room.
Nobody noticed them leave. Hayden guided him to his passenger seat and as soon as Hayden closed the door, Shane started having a panic attack “Hey, hey buddy look at me. Shane! Look at me. Breathe with me buddy come on breathe like this”
He mirrored Hayden’s breath and he finally calmed down and was able to speak “Hayd, help me. I need to get to him. I need to get to Ilya. Oh my God, what if he is dead? Hayd, please I need to get to Boston” He was crying so hard that he started having a hard time breathing again.
“Okay, let me just call Jackie to tell her we are driving up to Boston okay?”
Hayden was pulling out his phone when Shane shouted “No! I need to be there now Hayden! What if we drive and I am too late? No Hayd! I need to be there now. Where is my phone? Where is my fucking phone?” Hayden pulled out Shane’s phone from his duffle and handed it over to him.
His hands are shaking when he reached for it. “Mom?” he is trying his best not to sob “Shane? What’s going on? Are you okay?” a sob escaped him “Mom, I need a plane now. I need to fly out to Boston now. Please mom can you get a plane ready for me? I don’t care how much it costs, I just need to get to Boston now. Please, mom” another sob escaped him. His throat felt raw but he can’t stop crying. He needs to get to Ilya now.
“Why do you need a plane to Boston? He can hear his mom’s worried but confused voice.
“Mom, please I will explain to you later but can you please get a plane ready for me? I need to be in Boston, I need to be with him”
He heard his mom gasp but he didn’t care. Then 5 seconds later “Okay, I will call someone and get a plane for you. But is there someone who can drive you to the airport? Hearing you right now, I don’t think it is safe for you to drive baby. Do you need me to book you a car?”
He looked at Hayden “Hayden will drive me to the airport” Hayden started pulling out of the parking lot “Okay, I will call you back in 10 minutes”
30 minutes later, he was sitting in the cabin of a private jet, about to take off.
He was looking out the window and thought about Ilya. That crooked grin he had on his face. The way he said his name.
God, what if I am too late? Please don’t take him away from me. I haven’t told him how I feel. Please, don’t take him away from me.
He silently cried in his seat praying to anyone who is listening to not take his love away.
Ilya wakes up with people in scrubs fussing over him, he can hear people rapidly speaking, and has hands all over him. He can hear scissors cutting through his shirt but he only has one person in his mind, Shane. He closed his eyes and he saw a woman sitting under a tree.
“Illyusha” that familiar voice..
“Mama?” the woman stepped forward then he can her face. That beautiful smile.
He ran to her like he was 10 again “Mama!” He hugged her so tight like he was trying to make up for lost time “I missed you mama! Why did you leave me?”
Irina Rozanova’s smile is as bright as the sun but her eyes are as sad as the ocean at night “Oh Illyusha my sweet boy. I am sorry for leaving you. I missed you too” Irina brushed away the tears on Ilya’s check “I am so proud of you my sweet boy. I am so proud of the man that you’ve become”
“I miss you everyday mama. Can I stay here with you?” Irina smiled at him.
“No pulse! Starting compression”
Cliff stood at the trauma bay of Mass Gen. Cold rushed through his veins as he heard the doctor shout. He felt dizzy, he didn’t realise he’d stopped breathing until he heard the doctor again
“We got a heartbeat! Prepare the OR room we have to get in there now!”
He released his breath he didn't realized he was holding and was pulled back to reality when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. An unknown number he wasn’t thinking when he answered it then he realised that it is probably just a journalist trying to get information about the accident. He was going to hang up when an accented voice spoke on the other line.
“Cliff Marleau? This is Svetlana Vetrova, I am Ilya’s friend” He sighed
“They took him to the OR just now” then he heard heavy breathing on the other line
“I know because I am his emergency contact. Look, I am currently not in Boston. I am in Russia because my mother took ill and I can’t leave her right now so I instructed the hospital to make you my proxy as Ilya’s emergency contact”
He can feel a lump on his throat, he can’t speak.
“You will be their primary contact because you are physically there and I am not but all of the decisions still needs to be ran through me. You understand?”
He swallowed the lump on his throat and with a shaky voice “Yes, I understand. Svetlana I, his heart stopped. Fuck! I can’t lose the only true friend I have”
He can’t stop himself from crying now. He can hear her muffled cry on the other line.
“No Marleau! We are not losing him. We can’t lose him. Fuck! We can’t! I can never forgive myself if we lose him”
He can hear her wailing even though it sounded like she covered the mouthpiece of her phone. That made his heart hurt so much. They sat there listening to each other cry then Svetalana spoke
“I can’t leave my mother but as soon as she gets better, I will be on the plane to Boston. Please make sure that there are no visitors for now. Not until he is awake. Do you understand me? He nodded as if she could see him “I will be on my phone 24/7, call me anytime. I don’t care what time it is. Call me okay?”
“Okay” he said and they hung up.
An hour and a half later, the plane landed in Boston. Shane didn’t know where to go. There was no information online about where they took Ilya to. He felt helpless. He stood outside of Logan Airport not knowing where to go. His phone buzzed in his hand
Mom: I am still trying to get information about which hospital they took Rozanov
Mom: I booked you a hotel and I sent you the information. Please go there and rest first. I will call you as soon as I know more.
Mom: I don’t know what is going on honey but I will do what I can, okay?
Me: Thank you mom. I promise I will explain everything to you. For now I just need to know where is Ilya
Yuna sent him the details of his hotel reservation and he hailed a cab. As he sat at the backseat of the taxi, he couldn't stop thinking about the day he ran away from Ilya’s house. What if that was the last time he saw him? The hurt in Ilya’s eyes when he said he can’t keep doing what they’re doing? A tear fell from his eyes as he was looking out the city lights of Boston. A few minutes later, the taxi came to a stop in front of his hotel. He checked in, took a shower and laid down on the bed. Exhaustion finally claiming him.
6 hours later, the doctor came out to the family waiting room “Family of Mr. Rozanov?” Cliff jolted to his feet.
“I am Dr. Pravesh, I am the head of Neurosurgery and I operated on Mr. Rozanov” Cliff looked at the doctor as a lump build on his throat “Mr. Rozanov suffered from a subdural hematoma caused by blunt force trauma and also some broken ribs due to the impact of the crash. We removed the blood clot but there is still swelling on his brain. Because of this, we have to put him under a medically induced coma to help reduce the swelling and intracranial pressure on his brain. He will be kept under observation in the ICU for the next 48 hours and once the swelling comes down, we will lower down his sedation and wake him up gradually”
Cliff’s heart is still racing on his chest.
“Coma? Is he going to be alright?” the doctor gave him an apologetic smile which made his heart clench
“He is out of the woods for now but we won’t know how severe the damage is until he wakes up”
Cliff wanted to cry “Can I see him?”
The doctor nodded “We are moving him to the ICU and I will have a nurse grab you when he is ready for a visitor”.
Cliff’s knees buckled and he fell to one of the plastic chairs like gravity pulled him down. The doctor just nodded at him again before leaving. He pulled out his phone to call Svetlana and told her everything the doctor said. An hour later, a nurse called for him and walked him through the ICU.
His hand was shaking as he reached for the door handle. There he was, bandage around his head, bruise blooming around his eyes, bandage around his ribs. He looked small. He bit his hand to stop himself from crying again. His Captain, the only true friend he had, his brother who he almost lost looked so small. Bruised and battered.
He sat down on the chair next to the bed and he took his hand “You fucking lunatic!” he whispered but there is no bite to it “You have to wake up you hear me? I will never forgive you if you don’t fucking wake up!” He sat there cradling his friend’s hands to his cheek.
He cried until sleep claimed him.
Morning came and he still doesn’t know where they took Ilya. For the first time, the paparazzi and journalists don’t have any information. Shane barely slept. Whenever he closes his eyes, he can see Ilya in that crumpled car, not breathing. He took a shower and stared at the message from his mother saying she still didn’t get any information. Fuck it he grabbed his phone and made his way to Ilya’s house.
Cliff was woken up by some movements in the room.
“We’re sorry to wake you Mr. Marleau but we have to take Mr. Rozanov for a scan to see the progress of the swelling in his brain” the nurse said.
He straightened up and nodded as another nurse walked straight to him.
“Sir I am really sorry to ask you about this now but since you are his medical proxy, do you have his insurance information?” they asked him about this last night and so he called Svetlana about it.
“Uhh yes, I was told that the paperwork is at his house. I will get that now since you are taking him for a scan” He figured he can swing by his place to have a shower then go to Ilya’s house to get the paperwork they need at the hospital
“Sure no problem. We will call you if anything changes but there you shouldn’t be worried about anything”
He thanked the nurse and went home.
An hour later, he was on his way to Ilya’s house to get the paperwork. Svetlana texted him the code to the door and the safe where Ilya kept all of his important documents. Thankfully, Ilya’s house is located in a secured neighborhood so no paparazzi could get in. He was walking to the steps of the front door when he was startled by a figure on the corner of the outside foyer
“Jesus fucking Christ! Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing there?”
He glared at the person below him and when the person looked up, it’s like the wind was knocked out of him
“Hollander? What the fuck are you doing here?
He looked at the man who was slumped on the corner looking back at him with red rimmed eyes, dried tear tracks on his cheeks
“I didn’t know where they took him so I went here to see if there is anyone here who can tell me” he looked at the man as fresh tears streamed his face
“What do you mean?” Cliff is now confused “You are here because of Rozanov?” he can see Shane trying to swallow the lump on his throat
“I need to see him Marleau. I need to know that he is okay. Fuck! Is he okay? Is he alive?”
The man below him is sobbing now so he held out his hand to help Shane stand up and offered to get inside the house
“Look I am really confused right now because I haven’t slept but he is okay for now. I am here to get some paperwork they need at the hospital because his emergency contact can’t get out of Russia right now”
Shane took his hand and he punched the code to the door and they went in. He offered Shane water and motioned for him to take a seat at one of the stools in the kitchen.
Shane didn’t move, his eyes were fixed at the couch.
He cleared his throat which made Shane flinch a bit
“I will just grab something at Ilya’s office and make some calls. Please sit here and wait for me”
Shane sat as Marleau make his way to Ilya’s office while bringing the phone to his ear
“Sveta, I am here at Ilya’s house and we got a situation” he heard Svetlana gasped on the other line “
What situation? What happened? Is Ilya okay? Cliff talk to me!”
“No no Ilya is okay. They took him for a scan this morning and they said there is nothing to worry about. The situation is Hollander. Hollander is here with me in Ilya’s house” he heard Svetlana take a breath
“Hollander? As in Shane Hollander?”
“Yeah, I don’t what’s up with him but he looked like someone died and he keeps on saying he needs to see Ilya but you said no visitors” there was silence on the other line as he was getting the folder labeled as insurance from Ilya’s safe
“Give Hollander the phone I want to talk to him”
Cliff made his way to the kitchen and handed over the phone to Shane
“Uhh it’s Sveta, Ilya’s bestfriend, she wants to talk to you”
Shane took the phone and brought it to his ears
“H-Hello?” he can’t stop his voice from shaking and he heard a soft sigh from Svetlana and then
“You are Jane” with a quiet voice almost a whisper he answered “Yes, yes I am” another sigh before she spoke
“Okay. Give the phone back to Cliff” without explanation he handed over the phone to a confused Cliff
“You can bring him with you to the hospital. Only you and him, no one else” he nodded “okay” and then another beat “And make sure no one knows he’s there or sees him there. I will email you an NDA, make sure all of the doctors and nurses caring for Ilya signs it”
Cliff and Shane drove back to the hospital not talking to each other. Cliff stole a glance at Shane but the other was just staring blankly at the car window. Realization dawned on him, Montreal Jane.
He cleared his throat.
"So uhh as you know, we are trying to keep it quiet so no one knows Ilya is here. We are using the hospital's private parking spot so no one can see us come and go"
Shane just looked at him and nodded. They pulled up to a private parking space and made their way to the private entrance of the hospital which is mostly used by employees.
Shane is nervous.
His heart is racing and his chest is getting tighter making it hard to breathe.
He gripped his hands to the handle of the elevators, knuckles turning white. Cliff noticed
"Hey Hollander are you alright? You look like you are gonna pass out" he took a deep breath and nodded "
Yeah im okay I just.. I just want to see Il– Rozanov"
Cliff was looking at him as the elevator door opened. They were greeted by the most generic hospital hallway. The air smelling like antiseptic, keyboards clacking somewhere, nurses whispering updates to each other, a faint beeping sound in the corner.
They stood in front of the door to Ilya's room as a nurse was coming out. The nurse paused looking at Cliff and giving him a short smile and then looking at Shane. The nurses smile faltered, a hint of recognition on her face then looked her eyes darted back to Cliff with a curious look
"He is with me, he is allowed to visit" the nurse nodded and stepped aside so they can enter the room
" We just brought him back from the scans and the doctor will be with you shortly to discuss the result"
Cliff thanked the nurse and made a beeline to the room.
Shane held the door handle, he stood frozen in front of the door.
There he was, Ilya. His hair mussed by the bandage around his head, bruise under his eyes, a bandage across his ribs. He looked so small, so fragile like a little gust of wind would break him. Shane couldn't move.
Cliff stood on the bedside looking at him, waiting for him to move. He took a deep breath, trying hard to not cry. His knees almost buckled when he tried to take a step. He walked slowly to the other side of the bed, afraid that any sudden movement would break Ilya.
He wanted to hold his hand, his fingers hovering Ilya's hands but he felt like he didn't have the right to hold him, not after what he did, not after running away, not after he hurt him. He and Cliff sat at the chair on the opposite side of the bed.
None of them talked.
They just watched him breathe, afraid that if they took their eyes off him for just one second, the rise and fall of his chest would suddenly stop. So they just sat there. Watched Ilya as he breathes.
The doctor came in not long after. They both sat straight. The doctor was aware of the strict instruction of Svetlana so his eyes darted between Shane and Cliff looking confused. Cliff noticed
"He is with me, he's been cleared by Sveta so it's okay to discuss Ilya's current condition with him here"
Shane looked Cliff in the eye, wanting to thank him and Cliff gave him a knowing look and nodded slightly.
"Alright then, let's get started" the doctor said as he pulled taps on the tablet in his hands.
"Mr. Rozanov's scans this morning did not show significant progress but this is something that we had expected given the gravity of his injury" that made Shane's chest clenched, like a belt tightening his heart.
The doctor continued “We are giving his brain more time to rest so the pressure and swelling goes down a bit more"
Cliff stood to thank the doctor and looked at Shane
"I am just gonna step out to call Sveta to give her an update. I will be back in a few minutes" Shane nodded then Cliff left the room.
That's when the dam burst.
"Ilya" he whispered sobbing
"I am so sorry. I got so scared so I ran away. I am so sorry I hurt you" he looked at Ilya's face.
He looks peaceful despite looking like he's been hit by a 10 wheeler.
"I would give anything to hear you say my name again. I will not run away this time. Please..please just wake up and come back to me. Please wake up and say my name again" he held onto Ilya's hand like a lifeline.
Clutching it to his chest, to his cheeks as he quietly sobbed on the bedside of the man he loved.
"Mama, are you happy here?" Ilya took his mothers hand not wanting to let go. "
Yes Illyusha, I am happy here!" she smiled brightly.
"Do you think I can stay here so I can be happy too?" Irina's bright smile turned to something softer.
Irina cupped her hands to his cheek, he leaned into the touch. "But you don't want to be here malysh. There are people waiting for you" A tear escaped his eyes.
He remembered Shane.
His mother gave him a knowing look "I don't think there is someone waiting for me. I ruined the only thing that kept me going. I ruined it because I thought I could have him" tears streamed down his face
"Oh my sweet boy. Tell me about him?" he gave his mother a sad smile
"He is so boring" Irina chuckled "But he is also unintentionally funny. He is so kind to me mama. He makes me feel cared for" he sniffed, thinking about Shane, his Shane
"He looks like an angry kitten when he gets annoyed at me. His freckles, oh mama his freckles looks like the stars" Irina hummed
"He makes me happy mama. I love him" Irina smiled softly
"I am glad that there is someone who makes you happy Illyusha"
"But I ruined it. I can't have him now. He ran away because I got greedy" Irina brushed off the tear from his cheek.
He felt like a little kid again, being consoled by his mother. "You did not ruin anything Illyusha" he shook his head
"No mama, he doesn't want me anymore" that made his heart clenched hard. Why is he feeling pain in his heart? Are you supposed to feel this in heaven?
Irina cupped his face "You don't know that my sweet boy" she is looking at him with glassy eyes
"I don't deserve him" he said almost like a whisper, she smiled
"You deserve to love and be loved" she kissed his forehead
"It's time for you to go back" he shook his head
"No, I don't want to go back, I don't want to leave you. I want to stay here and be with you forever. I miss you so much mama, please let me stay here" a tear fell on Irina's cheek.
Shane felt Ilya’s hand twitch under his touch
“Ilya? Can you hear me?” nothing.
Then Ilya started seizing, his body full-body shaking
“Ilya? Oh no no no! Ilya! Please! Don’t do this to me please! Ilya!”
Cliff came rushing through the door with the doctors and nurses, dragging him away from Ilya’s bed side
“Sir, please step aside, give the doctors space to work!”
He felt Cliff's hand on his shoulder pulling him back
“Hollander, let them work. Come here, please let them work on him” He can hear Cliff’s voice breaking to an almost sob.
He didn’t hear what he said, he is focused on Ilya’s shaking body that had suddenly stopped moving.
“No pulse! Starting compression!” one of the doctors yelled for the defibrillator
“Clear!”
shock, nothing.
Shane can’t breathe, feeling each shock to his core “
You fucking bastard! Please don’t do this to me! Ilya, I can’t! I can’t do this without you! Please baby. Please come back to me!”
another shock and they hear the heart monitor beep.
Cliff held him so tight as his knees buckled and he sobbed his throat raw. He felt Cliff’s shoulder shaking as they both looked back to Ilya.
The doctors are adjusting some of the tubes and tapping rapidly on their tablet.
“We got him back. We have to keep him under strict supervision. We can only allow one person in the room at a time”
He didn’t hear what the doctor said but he can see Cliff nodding to the doctor. Cliff gave his shoulder a squeeze before he walked out of the room with the doctor
“Oh Ilya” he took Ilya’s hand and pressed it against his tear stained face
“You are not allowed to die on me. You hear me? You are not allowed to leave me. I need you. I love you” he stayed on his bedside watching the beeping sound matching the streak going up and down on the heart monitor matching the rise and fall of Ilya’s chest
“Mama, please let me stay here with you” She let go of Ilya's hand, shaking her head and stood up.
She held her hand and Ilya took it. They both stood under the tree looking at the vast landscape of colorful flowers.
"I missed you too my sweet boy but you don't belong here, at least not yet" he shook his head and hugged her tight
"I will always be here waiting for you but for now you have to go back" Irina stepped back from their hug
"I love you my sweet boy. I am so proud of you" she kissed his forehead and turned her back on him.
72 hours have passed since Ilya’s heart stopped and the doctor said the swelling had lowered down and they have eased on the sedation. They have moved him to a private recovery room so both him and Cliff can stay at Ilya’s bedside at the same time.
His phone has been blowing up. Missed calls from his coach, from Hayden and JJ as well as his mom. He’s been gone for almost 4 days and no one knew where he was except for his mom and Hayden. He decided to call his mom.
“Mom? Can you call coach and tell him I need a time-off for a couple of weeks?” he heard his mother sigh on the other line “
What do you want me to tell him as the reason honey? I know I can’t tell him that you are in Boston but he would ask for a valid reason” he shook his head
“Just tell him I got a family emergency or whatever. I don’t care mom. I need to be here. I need to be here when Ilya wakes up. I can’t leave him now” a beat and then
“Okay honey, consider it done.” another silence
“Are you okay Shane? Is there anything you need? Do you need me to come there? He can’t stop himself from crying again, remembering Ilya’s body shaking and his heart stopping
“His heart stopped a couple of days ago mom” a sobbed escaped him
“I almost lost him and I don’t know what I would do if I lose him. I can’t do it mom. I have to be here” he can see his mother nodding on the other line
“I know baby. Just call me when you need anything okay? I love you” he nodded and hung up the phone.
Cliff knocked and opened the door, a duffle back on his shoulder and 2 coffees on his hand. He handed one coffee and he reached out for him thanking him under his breath
“Uh so I brought some change of shirt for you. I know our size is kinda different but I think you need to freshen up and get changed. You can use the bathroom here and I will keep watch” he hesitated but nodded and got up to take a quick shower.
“Everything hurts mama” is the first thought he had when he started waking up.
He can hear the whirring sound of a machine next to him, a faint beeping sound on the other side then a weight on top of his hand. He opened his eyes and looked at the weight on his hand. There he saw the face of the man he love. Asleep, bags under his eyes, his hair mussed in different directions and the freckles.
“Shane” he whispered, then sleep claimed him again.
Shane must be hallucinating from lack of sleep because he thought he heard Ilya say his name in a whisper but when he looked up, Ilya was sleeping peacefully. The night came uninvited, Cliff and Shane was chatting when they saw Ilya moved and starting opening his eyes. Shane immediately stood and grabbed his hand, his other hand softly touching Ilya’s head
“Ilya? Can you hear me?” Ilya’s eyes fluttered open and stared at him
“Hollander? What are you? What happened? Where am I?”
Cliff stood “I will get the doctor” and rushed outside the room.
A couple of minutes passed, Shane staring at his eyes crying, a sad smile on his face. Ilya couldn’t stop staring at his brown side eyes and those freckles. The doctor walked in with Cliff and a stupid smile on his face
“You fucking lunatic, you scared the hell out of me kid!” he smiled weakly
“You are so dramatic Marley, I am still here am I not?” Cliff chuckled “Well I am glad you still are, kid. I am sure glad you still are” the doctor stepped forward with the tablet on his hand and started asking questions
Dr. Pravesh: “Mr. Rozanov, I am Dr. Pravesh and I am the head doctor for your case. Do you know where you are?”
Ilya: I am at the hospital obviously
Dr. Pravesh with a slight grin on his face: Do you know what happened?
Ilya: Uh no, last thing I know was I was driving and I woke up here
Dr. Pravesh: Yes, you got into an accident. You crashed your car into a side post. You have suffered from a subdural hematoma caused by blunt force trauma and have broken a couple of your ribs. The impact was lessened because you were wearing your seatbelt and the airbags on your car were deployed. We have evacuated the bleeding completely and according to your scan, the swelling on your brain has completely gone down though you might still experience some nausea and headache from time to time but this is something normal and part of your recovery. We will keep you here for a few more days and if we see your symptoms improve, we can send you home and continue your recovery there.
They thanked the doctor and the silence that followed was deafening. Ilya looked at Shane
“You are here” Shane smiled at him and he felt warmth blooming in his chest
“Of course I am here, where else would I be? He shrugged and thought I don’t know, probably with your actress girlfriend?
But of course he didn’t say that, instead
“But why are you here Hollander? Aren’t you supposed to be in Montreal? Don’t you have games to play?”
Shane’s smile faltered, his shoulders sagged. He can see tears pooling Shane’s eyes as Cliff cleared his throat
“So I uhh.. I am just gonna step out to grab something to eat so I will leave you two to talk. I will be back in a couple of hours” then they were left alone.
None of them moved for a couple of minutes. Only the sound of the machines in the air. Shane angled his body towards Ilya.
He took a deep breath “Ilya I… I am sorry for running away. I got scared and I freaked out. I know that is not the best excuse but I am really sorry. Walking out of your house that day was the biggest mistake of my life”
Shane is now crying, Ilya can feel a lump form in his throat
“If you are going to run away again, it’s best you do it now and just leave me” he can see the words cut through Shane like a knife.
He can see the pain in his eyes but he’d rather be the one to end it than see Shane run away from him again
“No! I will not leave you! I almost lost you Ilya and I can’t let that happen again you hear me?” Shane is sobbing now and choking on his tears.
Ilya lifted his hands to Shane’s cheeks but not quite touching as if it would burn him
“But why Hollander? I thought you didn’t want this? You ran away from me, remember? So why? Why are you saying this?”
Shane’s breath hitched “Shane” he said, barely a whisper
“Say my name, Shane” Ilya’s brows furrowed
“So you can run away again?” Shane shook his head
“No, I am not running away. Please, say my name again” a beat, silence lasted for a minute, staring at each other's eyes, Shane held his breath and then
“Shane” Ilya barely whispered and that’s all it took.
A dam burst from Shane’s chest, he covered his face to muffle is cry
“I never thought I’d hear you say my name again” his breath hitching
“Ohh solnyshko, come here” Ilya patted the side of his bed
“Ilya your ribs, I don’t want to hurt you” Ilya smiled
“You can never hurt me moya lyubov. Come here, lay with me please?” Shane stood up and carefully shuffled next to Ilya, avoiding all the wires and tubes attached to him.
His head resting on the crook of Ilya’s neck “You scared me. You scared me so much”
Ilya hummed “I am sorry solnyshko, I didn’t mean to scare you” he can hear Shane’s breath hitch and he slowly looked up to him
“If you died, I would’ve died with you” his brown eyes wells up with tears “I love you, Ilya and I can’t do life without you in it”
Ilya’s breath caught and Shane started worrying that he was saying too much too early but Ilya lowered down his face to give Shane a soft kiss
“YA tozhe tebya lyublyu… I love you too, Shane”
They kissed, this time it was more tender and Shane rested his head on the crook of Ilya’s neck. They stayed that way until sleep and exhaustion finally claimed them both.
Cliff walked on them like that. Laying tangled with each other, softness and love all around them. He took a quick snap and sent the phot to Svetlana then he walked out of the room with a soft smile on his face.
A few days passed and they were preparing to leave the hospital. Cliff entered the room, a hand full of paperwork
“Okay, all of your discharge paper is accomplished, bills has been settled. Let’s get this show on the road shall we? Shane and Ilya smiled at him
“Thank you Marley, thank you for being here with me and for bringing me my Jane” Cliff crossed the room in 3 strides and grabbed Ilya for a tight hug
“You don’t have to thank me, it’s what brothers do. I am just glad that you are still with us” he stepped back and gave Ilya a soft clap on his back
“Okay, so I will drive you to your house and I am gonna drive back to the airport to pick up Sveta. Okay? Ilya nodded.
Half an hour later, they are pulling up to Ilya’s driveway and as Shane supported Ilya on the steps, Cliff open the door and dropped the bags on the dining table
“Okay. Welcome home Roz! And Jane!” Cliff chuckled as he was grabbing the bags again
“Uhh so I am just gonna put this in the room, ahh Shane why don’t you help our boy settle on the couch first while I change the sheet to his bed so he can be comfortable?” a beat of silence, Shane and Ilya stood across the couch both just staring at it.
Nobody moved for a minute then Shane started guiding Ilya to sit in the middle of the couch. Ilya looked at him and whispered “Shane”
Shane looked up at him “Hmm, yes baby?” Shane answered then Ilya smiled
“Nothing, I am just checking if you would run away again this time” Shane smiled at him with glassy eyes
“No, I am never running away from you again. You’re stuck with me” They both grinned and kissed.
Shane rested his head on Ilya’s chest, listening to his beating heart as Ilya ran his hand through his hair. Ilya closed his eyes and a tear escaped
“Thank you mama. Thank you for sending me back to him. I miss you” He kissed the top of Shane’s head and they held each other as they rested contently on the couch.
END