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They sat on a bench, just close enough for it to feel intimate and just far enough that it couldn’t ever be anything serious. The silence extended around them like a barrier against reality. For just a moment, time could stand still. No monsters were waiting around the corner. No urgency. Just the two of them in an abandoned subway station, staring at the tracks in companionable silence, letting time stretch for what could have been minutes or hours. It was quiet in the tunnel, almost peaceful if not for the bodies of the infected scattered around them, no longer a threat to anyone. Instead they were just a reminder of how nothing could ever be normal. Not now. Not ever for them.
“Where do we go from here?” Leon said.
“Our separate ways. Same as always.” she responded.
Leon looked up at her, still with those sad sweet eyes. So trusting, so willing to give without a thought. So many years had passed, but whenever he looked at her all she could see was the kind rookie cop having the worst day of his life.
“Do you ever get tired of this? Of all of it? Do you ever think about running away from it all?” he asked quietly.
If Ada were to answer honestly she might have said yes, but that kind of honesty wasn’t something this job afforded her. Instead she turned away slightly just in case those piercing eyes could see through her words.
“I don’t have time for those thoughts, Leon.”
“You’ve been in this world for so long, how do you go on? How do you see these things and keep coming back to do the job, collecting whatever they send you to?”
His tone was pleading, but she didn’t turn. He didn’t need to see that it bothered her. He didn’t need to know what she would give to walk away.
“You ask too many questions.” she retorted.
“And you never answer them do you, Ada?”
It was somewhere between a question and a statement. He was still pleading. Still begging her to respond.
“You know I can’t leave it, Leon.”
“Why? Every time we meet it’s like this and we’re at odds, fighting for different things. Why can’t you tell me the truth one time?” He paused and Ada could almost hear the gears turning. “Was it ever real or was I crazy?”
That one hurt. She could hear the pain in his voice, but still didn’t turn. She was walking a wire between truth and lies, between love and loss. If she stepped too far, then she might not be able to go back. But maybe she owed him this. This one truth. With a sigh, she turned back to fully face him.
“Oh Leon, it was always real.”
Soft blue eyes met her own and she was back in 1998, seeing him for the first time. He’d been so young, so kind and innocent. And all over again, she was falling in love with someone she could never have.
“Then why not leave it? Come back with me. Forget these idiots and their jobs for you.”
She reached out, taking his hand in her own.
“And do what, Leon? This is my life. This is what I do. This is what we do. You talk about leaving like you can, but you won’t either. We’ve both been here too long now.”
She could see the pain in his eyes and part of her wanted to make it leave forever, but that wasn’t her job. She should have left by now anyway. They would be demanding a status update any minute and she was just wasting time here. But wasn’t that just what Leon did to her. He made her want to stay. He made her wish she could go back and change things.
“Ada..”
It’s not even really her name, but the way he says it makes it special. When it’s Leon it feels real.
A growling sound echoed down the tunnel, disrupting the silence, and one more infected crawled into view. He had shot it before it made it into the station proper. The speed and precision of his response was just another reminder that they didn’t get to have normal. Not in this place.
“You think you can have a normal life after this? You think you can just walk away and settle down somewhere? Leon, you’re lying to yourself.”
“And you think you know me. You think you know what I would do? You’ve decided that this is how it has to be, but maybe that’s not true” He snapped back, pulling back his hand.
He was getting mad now, standing up from the bench and turning away from her. His back was tense, arms crossed. Oh how she wished it was that simple.
“You think I don’t want to? Do you really think that after everything, I don’t wish I could know you better?”
She paused. It was getting too close to reality. One more step and she would fall off the carefully maintained tightrope. But maybe that was ok. Maybe Leon deserved to know.
“Leon, I want to know you. That’s not the life we get.” she paused.
This was it. One step away from falling forever and he still had his back turned.
“You think I looked out for you all those times out of some sort of duty? You think I helped you today because I felt like I had to? Oh Leon, if only you could know what I wish for.”
She stood up to join him, stepping up behind him. She reached out a hand to rest on one shoulder while she leaned her forehead against the other. Firm muscles tensed under her fingers.
“I wish I could wake up with you every day. I wish we could make morning coffee and do nothing together. I wish I could be there for you always. I wish I could make the things you’ve seen go away forever.”
He had turned slowly towards her, wrapping an arm around her waist and gently pulling her into his chest.
“I want to spend my days with you. I wish we could grow old together and never see another monster or virus. I wish we could sit on a porch somewhere drinking wine and watching the sun set. I want to love you like you deserve. ”
She didn’t cry, but maybe now was an exception.
“You make me want to be a better person, Leon. Since I first met you. I saw how you loved and cared for people and I wanted to be a bit more like you. You made me kinder. You showed me that sometimes you can do the right thing and damn the consequences.”
He was crying too and she knew it. His face pressed into her hair, leaving a damp area.
“You look at me and I want to do whatever it takes to make you happy. But I can’t. I don’t get that honor. So I do what I can. I watch out for you when I can. I make sure that when our paths cross you make it home alive and as safe as possible.”
She knows she’s actually crying now.
“I love you, Leon, and I show it the only way this world will let me. To love you here, I have to let you go.”
And there it was, all out in the open. No more secrets. At least not in that regard. He bent down slightly, just enough to press a kiss to her forehead and she wrapped her arms around his neck. They stood there for what could have been seconds or hours. And the world stopped in that empty station. No monsters. No calls. No jobs. No expectations. Just them. His arms stayed around her waist and cheek pressed into her hair. Years changed many things, but it couldn’t rid her of her affection for this man.
“Do you understand now?” she whispered.
The slightest movement told her he had nodded. He knew even if he didn’t want to that they didn’t get that life. At least not now. Finally, he pulled away just a bit, instead bending to kiss her sweetly on the lips.
“I love you. I mean it.” he whispered against her lips.
Her phone buzzed and she knew that was it. The moment was over. He pulled away, turning to recollect himself. Instead of walking away, she waited. This time she would let him leave, watching him walk away instead. His retreating steps echoing in the space of the station. She would see him again in 6 months or 2 years or maybe never. All the possibilities were equally painful in their own way. Because for Ada, loving Leon was like chasing a dream. One minute of companionship followed by the unknowns that went on infinitely.
About half way up the steps he paused, turning towards her.
“I’ll be here. If you’re ever willing and able.” he said, and then he was gone.
The phone was buzzing again against her thigh and she had places to be.
“Yes. I have the objective. Don’t worry, Sir. The data hasn’t been compromised.” she promised the man on the phone. “I’ll be back by tomorrow afternoon.”
But maybe, just maybe, she would find him again. Somewhere safe. Somewhere away from all of this.