Work Text:
"Sometimes I wonder to myself... When will I be able to feel peace? I want to commit it but I'm too afraid. I'm such a coward to even commit it. All I wanted is to be left alone, but I don't want to be left alone. I'm just a person with a complex contradiction. I'm a fool."
If I was able to create my own world, It would be like this:
Everyday, I woke up at 5 AM without worrying about school and getting bullied, cuz I'll be quite popular, well, not that popular, but popular enough to get recognize by other students.
Then I take a bath, brushing my teeth, and be able to stare at myself in the mirror without thinking about my fat body, cuz I'll have such a perfect body that I won't worry about eating so much.
After that, I changed into something other than my hoodies or jacket, before going to school. At school, people will greet me with smile and not with mockery, they'll won't talk about me in the back. No.
During classes, I will able to get perfect scores and won't be such a heavy weight at P.E. Maybe they'll pick me first during P.E.
At lunch, I'll be sitting alone, but people wants to sit with me, so they sit together with me. And I just greeted them, talking about our shared preference and that's it.
After school, I have a band practice with my friends and play our songs. Got as famous as the Beatles cuz of our songwriting and how enjoyable our musics. We got tired, and go out for foods, people will recognized us of course.
At home, I'll clean myself properly, before going to sleep without having to cry first about how pitiful I am.
Maybe, If possible, I could achieve all of this. Can I? It feels fo impossible, so out of reach. Maybe, if I can. If I can achieve all of this.
If possible.
Is it?
I don't even understand myself now. I can't barely recognize other emotions. I can't contain them all. I can barely understand languages now without any help. I don't even know how to express myself to others about how I feel.
I don't have any money to get some therapy. I feel like I just wanted to just rot in my room, doing nothing and just dreaming about this perfect world. If possible, all I wanted is to be in a coma so I could dream about this world for a longer period.
I'm so fucking pathetic for writing all of this. And the fact the only thing that keeps me motivated is keeping up my goddamned Duolingo streak.