Chapter Text
It was another great day in Barbieland. A group of Kens, Barbies and Alans had gathered in the manicured back garden of Ken Malpractice and Sugar Daddy Ken’s magenta maisonette to listen to Ken Malpractice read from his latest poetry chapbook. They were really there, however, for the spread that Sugar Daddy Ken was putting on. The poetry, they'd heard far too much of already.
Ken Malpractice, purple plastic cigarette in a cigarette holder held between his elegant fingers wrapped his slim scarf around his neck, and began to read:
"Our world in 1961,
Was the very best bar none,
The land of Barbie was at peace,
And each Ken had a matching fleece.
Now my plastic Eden is all gone,
How can I now go on?
Dreamhouses were once the height of kitsch,
And now their smartness makes me itch."
“Oh he can go on alright.” Said Physics Barbie, snuggling up to her girlfriend Vet Barbie on their picnic blanket on the lawn.
Soon enough Sugar Daddy Ken, little dog yapping at his heels, brought out piles of potato salad, sticky ribs, wings and other delights and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. What they had come for had finally arrived.
When Ken Malpractice had finished everyone politely applauded and got properly stuck into their plates of food. After everyone had finished eating, Beach Ken, who always suggested making a campfire to roast marshmallows on, made his usual suggestion. Weird Barbie and a Stereotypical Barbie who briefly had to struggle to release her glittery high heel from the lawn helped Beach Ken to set everything up. Darkness immediately fell, as it always does in Barbieland, and the marshmallow roasting began in earnest.
“So how was my reading?” Asked Ken Malpractice.
Doctor Barbie let out a thunderous belch, said the chapbook was wonderful and was followed by a chorus of hmms in agreement.
The Stereotypical Barbie who had helped to set up the campfire chimed in with, “It was great because everything is great every day in Barbieland. All I would say is that it was a little derivative of a poem by this human Ken called Auden.”
For a moment everyone fell silent. Ken Malpractice plastered on a rictus smile. Sugar Daddy Ken was quick to smooth things over.
“That was a compliment my beloved, aren't these marshmallows wonderful.”
Then the chit chat about how nice everything was resumed. Though Magic Earring Ken's customary tearful outburst quickly spoiled things.
1964 Alan whispered to 1964 Ken, “I wonder what possesses Beach Ken to take her out, she's a terrible mess. We're going to have to hear about 1993 again. I'm your ‘friend’ and I wear all your clothes and no one talks about us. If only Mattel had made her more discreet.”
1964 Ken frowned at 1964 Alan, “We’re advocating for pandering now? Tut tut. And in 1991 a version of you was getting hitched to Midge.”
“Of course I'm advocating for pandering, I’m an invention of a corporation. And if a version of me being into Midge keeps the lights on in Barbieland, who am I to complain?”
The plastic flames did not flicker and everyone pretended to warm their hands over them while Magic Earring Ken sobbed himself silly. Beach Ken put a supportive arm around him.
“I'm so sorry guys I nearly destroyed Barbieland in 1993 just by existing. I feel so bad. I shouldn't have done that.” Magic Earring Ken said.
Pregnant Midge wondered if she should fake contractions again to get him to stop being a martyr. She caused controversy and got pulled too but she'd managed to get on okay with her plastic life. She often wondered why Magic Earring Ken didn't just get on with his.
On and on the crying went.
“Oh sweetheart it wasn't your fault. If they released you without the necklace you would have been golden.” Said Beach Ken. “I know what will cheer you up, let's go and do Beach.”
1964 Ken and 1964 Alan started whispering to each other again.
“It must be a bit much being Beach Ken’s companion though, I would break down too. She hasn't much depth.” Said 1964 Ken. The two dolls chuckled to each other.
“Right, that's enough for one night. Shall we go home and kick back and watch Real Househusbands of Barbieland or go have a beer with Original Barbie? It's up to you.” Said 1964 Alan.
They said their goodbyes and left. Physics Barbie and Vet Barbie weren't far behind, running out to zoom off in their baby pink Subaru.
A few Barbie blocks away, a Stereotypical Ken and a Stereotypical Barbie were holding hands and wishing on a particularly shiny star in their painted sky. They wanted to go to the world of human Barbies and Kens and they just had a feeling that their wish would come true.
At exactly the same time in our world, a 40 year old tech support guy called Gary passed out asleep at his lonely desk in the bowels of the building he worked in and when he awoke he had this strange notion. Memories of the Barbie and Ken tea parties he used to create with his sister ran through his mind.
“I'm not a man. I'm just a Ken.” He thought. “I look like a man but I'm actually just an approximation of one.” He pulled his plain black notebook out of his desk drawer, and filled pages and pages of it with the words “Not a man, just Ken.”
Then his boss came in.
"Gaz, it would be great if you could take over James' work you know, stay a little bit later, could you do that?" Gary still dumbfounded by his bizarre realisation closed his notebook.
"Umm, I promised my girlfriend that I would go out with her, it's been ages, but if it's just an hour then." Gary's boss thanked him for being a team player and buzzed off to his corner office.
But Gary knew that it wouldn't just be an hour, it always ended up being several, and he would again disappoint his girlfriend.
"Hey love, I have to work late again..." She hung up before he could apologise. And unbeknownst to Gary she wouldn't be there when he got back to their flat. She was packing to leave, but she'd been thinking about packing and leaving for months. She thought that he wouldn't even miss her or remember her after a while, he had his work and that's all he seemed to care about.