Chapter Text
Jungkook was a big boy.
He had to be a big boy because Daddy had told him to be a big boy and go to the shops on his own and get noodles because Daddy was tired and didn’t want to go and Jungkook was a good boy so he said yes he’d go to the shop. But only big boys could go to the shop on their own so he had to be a big boy.
Even if he didn’t know where he was and even if he was scared, he had to be a big boy.
The street was loud and there were a lot of people and Jungkook didn’t like that. He took the first chance to duck into a side street, stumbling a few steps so he wouldn’t be obvious from the street, then pressing his back against the wall and digging his nails into his palms. He needed to focus. He needed to be a big boy. He needed to be good. Daddy was going to be so mad if he got in trouble. He couldn’t get in trouble.
But he didn’t know where he was and his tummy was tumbling and it was hard to breath and he folded down to the floor, making himself into a little ball.
It wasn’t fair. He’d been doing so good. He’d made it all the way to the convenience store and he’d brought the noodles that Daddy liked and he’d even managed to pay and put the change in his pocket with the zip like Daddy showed him but then he’d been on the street and someone had been yelling the way he needed to walk home so he hadn’t gone that way, he’d gone another way. And he thought he knew where to go but it was dark and all the buildings were lit up and nothing was the same as the day and he wanted to go home.
He wanted his daddy.
He started to cry. He hated crying, Daddy always got mad when he cried, but he didn’t know where daddy was. He shouted daddy, small at first then bigger, though he knew Daddy wasn’t close, Daddy wasn’t going to come and help him.
He wanted his daddy. He wanted to go home! He wanted to be big and a good boy. He’d tried too hard to be a good boy and make Daddy proud.
Daddy was going to be so cross.
Thinking about that just made him cry more, tears running down his face, snot at his nose, a desperate cry coming from his mouth. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home!
He’d never be a bad boy again if he could just go home! He’d be big every day and he’d help daddy in the laundrette and be big enough and clever enough to make money so daddy could get a rest and he’d learn to do all the things Daddy wanted him to do and he’d never be bad or disappoint his daddy again.
If only he could go home.
“Hey sweetie, what’s wrong?”
The voice made Jungkook jump. He looked up to find a man in the side street looking at him. He looked like a business man, he was wearing a shirt and trousers and a black coat and he was big. A grown up. Jungkook needed a grown up.
“I want my daddy,” he wailed, hands clenching into fists and a new sob bursting out of him. He scrunched his eyes tightly closed and screwed himself up into a little ball. He felt like all his feelings were too big to hold inside him, his tummy ached and his chest ached and he wanted his daddy.
“Of course you do, sweetheart,” the voice said, closer. “Is he near? Can I go get him for you?”
“I’m lost,” Jungkook wailed. Lost and alone and he was never going to get to go home and see his daddy ever again.
“Oh no,” the man said, softly. “Don’t worry though, Hyung’s here now. I’ll help you find home. Hey, sweetheart, look, there’s someone here I want you to see.”
Jungkook looked up and, oh, the stranger was holding a rabbit. A pink plushie rabbit. Jungkook’s breath caught in his throat, even his tears seemed to have been surprised into stopping for a second.
A plushie. He hadn’t been allowed to have a plushie in so long. When he had nice soft things like that he felt more little and that was bad and wrong and he needed to be a grown up boy and help his daddy in the laundrette only the rabbit looked very soft and nice and Jungkook liked soft things so much.
“This friend heard you crying and wanted to help,” the man said, holding the plushie out. “Do you think it’d help if you gave him a cuddle?”
Jungkook nodded, because he did. He reached out and gently took the rabbit. It was a good rabbit. It was soft and it had floppy ears and he could rub the floppy ears and they felt good on his fingers. He pulled the rabbit close, wrapping it up in his arms, and gave it the biggest hug he could. It felt nice, giving it a hug. Even if he was lost, he had a friend now.
“That’s such a good hug,” the man said, softly. “You’re such a good boy. My name’s Kim Seokjin, I’m a lawyer. What’s your name, sweetheart?”
“I’m Jungkook,” Jungkook said. He wasn’t meant to tell his name to strangers but this man wasn’t a stranger, he was Kim Seokjin and he’d let Jungkook hug his bunny and Jungkook liked the bunny so much. He wanted the bunny to be his friend forever. “What’s his name?”
“The bunny? Um, he’s called Kookie.”
“Like me!” Jungkook said, eyes widening. “I’m Jung-Kookie!”
“Wow, that’s amazing,” the man said, and he sounded so happy. “Maybe I was meant to find you and help Kookie to make friends with you. What do you think, can you be Kookie’s friend?”
Jungkook nodded enthusiastically. He let up on his hug so he could stroke the bunny instead, running his fingers over its soft ears and tracing its hard plastic nose.
It was a shame Daddy would never let him keep it.
Daddy.
Daddy!
“I’m lost,” he said, again, turning to the man. The man nodded.
“That’s okay, Jungkook-ah. Hyung can help you find your way home. Can you answer a few questions?”
Jungkook nodded because he was good at answering questions. The man asked if he remembered the name of his street and he didn’t but he knew he lived at Jeon laundromat and then the man got his phone and he did some poking at the screen and then he looked happy.
“Good remembering, Jungkook-ah. We’re only about five minutes walk from your house. Come on, Hyung will show you the way.”
Jungkook scrambled obediently to his feet, Kookie still clutched in his hand, his convenience store bag with his noodles hanging from his wrist. He followed the man to the end of the street then slowed. It was still loud there and there were a lot of people and bright lights and what if he got confused again?
The man slowed too, looking back to wait for him, and when Jungkook didn’t move he came back and took hold of Jungkook’s hand.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said, squeezing Jungkook’s hand. “Just stick with Hyung, I’ll make sure you get home.”
Jungkook nodded and hung on tight. It wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t alone and as long as he held the man’s hand, he wouldn’t get separated or lost again. He really hoped he didn’t get lost again.
The street was still loud and busy but he clung on to the man and to Kookie and kept his eyes down and kept walking and soon they were away from the busy street and they he realised that they were passing a house he knew! He started to walk a little faster, looking around him more. He wasn’t lost!
“I’m not lost!” he declared. “This is my street.”
“It is,” the man agreed. “Come on, Hyung’s going to make sure you get all the way home to your door, okay? Just to make sure you get there okay.”
“Okay,” Jungkook said. He sped up so he was in front of the man, though he didn’t drop his hand, and then there it was, the shop! His shop! His number one favourite place where he could load up the washing machines and the driers and watch the clothes tumbling round and round all day if Daddy didn’t catch him just sitting there. He loved the laundry. He loved the smell of it, he loved the feel of the clothes, he loved folding it nicely, he loved seeing the nice clean clothes after they were washed.
And his Daddy.
He was home.
“Thank you,” he said, turning to the man, because it was important to say thank you. Then he looked down at Kookie.
“Bye bye Kookie,” he said, bringing the bunny in tight and giving him one last big hug.
“Hey, no, it’s fine,” the man said. “You can keep Kookie. He’s your friend now, right?”
“I’m not allowed,” Jungkook explained, holding Kookie out. “Daddy says no.”
“We’ve not even spoken to Daddy. Why don’t we go and ask him? I’m sure he won’t mind if he knows it's a present.”
Daddy would definitely mind. But this way Jungkook got to hold Kookie for a little while longer, so that was good. He wanted to keep Kookie, he really did. Maybe some day he would be so good and stay big long enough that his daddy would say okay Jungkook, you can have nice things now, and then he’d get to have toys and plushies and it’d be the best.
He led the man round the corner of the building and through the door into their house. The laundrette was set on the bottom floor of an apartment block and Jungkook and his daddy had space behind the laundrette to live. It wasn’t very big, they had one room to sleep and live and then a kitchen and a bathroom, but it wasn’t so bad when it was only him and his daddy.
Daddy was waiting in the kitchen. When Jungkook came in with Kookie in his hand and the man, Daddy didn’t look happy at all.
“Where have you been?” he said in his biggest, angriest voice. Jungkook must have been really bad. He hadn’t meant to but Daddy only used that voice when he’d really messed up.
“I’m sorry,” he said, but before he could say anything else Daddy reached out and took Kookie out of his hands. He let him, there was no point fighting about it. There was never any point in fighting with Daddy. He just got even more cross when Jungkook cried.
“Hi,” the man said, letting go of Jungkook’s hand and stepping forward to offer his hand to Daddy. “I’m Kim Seokjin. I hope you don’t mind, Jungkook was lost and I helped him find the way home.”
“He’d have found his way eventually,” Daddy said. He sounded cross. Jungkook shouldn’t have brought the man home. He shouldn’t have brought Kookie home. He should have found his own way home. He should have been a good, big, grown up boy like he was meant to be. All the people who’d been kids when he was were grown-ups now. His Daddy wanted him to be a grown up too. He tried. He tried too hard. He couldn’t help being little, though.
The man was saying something else but Jungkook ignored him. He was going to get Daddy mad and then he’d go away and Jungkook would be here alone and Daddy would yell. He hated when Daddy yelled.
He needed to get as big as he could before that started.
He slipped out of the kitchen and through their private door into the laundrette. The laundrette was shut up but some of the machines were still running, finishing clothes for people to come in and collect the next day. He really wanted to go and sit and watch the clothes tumble but if he did he’d never get big. Instead, he went over to the back corner and started to do his exercises. Push ups first, then burpees until his muscles were burning.
He kept going, pushing himself. The burn helped him to focus, brought him closer to the surface.
Fuck, he couldn’t believe he’d fallen into full little space in the street. He was never going to be allowed to go out on his own again. And he’d tried so hard! He’d pinched himself the entire way to the shop, trying to keep himself grounded and in the moment. He’d done so well until he’d been overwhelmed on the street and gone the wrong way.
He wished, not for the first time, that he wasn’t a little. Or, if he did have to be, he wished he’d been born into a life where that was okay. Littles in TV shows were always coddled and looked after and loved and he knew his daddy loved him, he did, and he loved his daddy, but they needed to make money and live and what was Jungkook going to do in the future? He wasn’t going to be able to get married or give his family grandchildren. He was only a burden.
He just wished he could stop being a burden.
He stopped moving and stood there for a second, panting.
He hated this. He hated all of this. He needed to find a way to stay big. He’d tried putting nails in the bottom of his boots so it’d hurt every time he stepped on them and that did keep him big but the nails had been too big and they’d hurt his feet and Daddy has been so mad and he hated when daddy was mad.
He caught his hand half way to his mouth and turned and punched the wall instead, pain blooming along his knuckles. He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t going to suck his thumb. He wasn’t going to give in and go and watch the laundry tumble until his brain stopped working.
He was going to be big.
He was going to be a good boy. He was going to say sorry to his daddy. He was going to promise to be big and be good and never do it again.
And why was it so damn hard to stay big?
The door to their living area opened and Jungkook turned, fully expecting it to be his daddy, there to yell at him.
It wasn’t.
It was the man.
“Hey,” the man said, giving Jungkook a little wave. He had Kookie in his hand but Kookie looked messy, like someone had dropped him and stood on him or put him in a mess or something.
“Oh no,” Jungkook said, stepping forward. “Kookie! Did he get hurt?”
“He’ll be fine, he just needs a little wash,” the man said, holding up the rabbit. “Though maybe I’d better hang on to him for now until we get somewhere safe. Jungkook-ah, you’re going to come and stay with Hyung for a bit, okay?”
“Stay with Hyung?” Jungkook asked, blinking. He’d never been to stay with someone before. He’d always lived at the laundrette. Frist with his mummy and his daddy, then with just his daddy.
“Yes. To give your Daddy a break. Look, he packed some things for you,” he held up a bag and yes, that had Jungkook’s clothes in it. “You’ll like it at my house. My friend Namjoon has a little called Jimin and Jimin comes around to play a lot so I’ve got toys and a nice bed you can sleep in and comfy clothes and things. Would you like to come and play with the toys at my house?”
“Is Daddy coming?” Jungkook asked, looking back towards where his daddy was probably waiting. “Is he mad?”
“No, he’s not coming. He’s gone for a little walk. It’s okay, Jungkook-ah. You’re going to have a really good time at my house, I promise.”
Jungkook nodded, not sure what else to say. If Daddy said to go with the man he had to go with the man. And toys sounded nice though he wasn’t allowed to play with toys because then he got little and he was naughtie and it was too much for Daddy and he got mad and then everything was bad.
But the man had Kookie and Jungkook wanted to go with Kookie. He wanted to press Kookie’s soft ears to his cheeks and he wanted to nap with Kookie.
“Daddy says it’s okay?” he asked, to be sure.
“Daddy says it’s okay,” the man said. “Come on, let’s go call an uber and get you somewhere safe.”
He held out his hand and Jungkook took and, and he let the man lead him away.
*
The man had a lot of toys.
His house was a lot bigger than Jungkook’s house. He’d taken Jungkook around and shown him the rooms. There was a big bathroom with a tub and there was a kitchen that was separate from the living area and there was a room with a bed in it and the man said Jungkook was going to sleep there.
Then he’d taken Jungkook to the living room and taken out toys. An entire big box of toys. The toys were Jimin’s. Jungkook didn’t know Jimin but the man said that Jimin would like it if Jungkook played with his toys.
Then the man had gone into the kitchen and started talking on the phone. And Jungkook sat next to the toys.
They were nice toys. There were colouring books and crayons and Jungkook loved colouring and there were race cars and duplo for building things and even blocks and Jungkook could make a really big tower. But then if he did he’d be too little and Daddy would be mad.
He didn’t know where Daddy was, but it was probably a long way away. To go to the man’s house they got in a car and Jungkook had to sit nicely and let the man fasten his seat belt. Jungkook didn’t think he’d been this far away from his daddy in a long time. He hadn’t been in a new place in a long time. The man’s house was very big but there were no washing machines and no detergent and Jungkook wanted to go home.
He wanted to go and ask the man to take him home but the man was talking on the phone. It was rude to make noise when a grown up was talking on the phone.
But he wanted his daddy.
If he could just get to his daddy, he’d be okay. His daddy needed him.
But he wasn’t going to cry. Because he was a good, big boy. Even if he didn’t know where he was and he didn’t know where his daddy was, he wasn’t going to cry.
He wanted Kookie.
Kookie was at the other side of the room. The man had left Kookie on the table when they came in and Kookie was still there. He looked a little dirty but that was okay, Jungkook still loved him. Jungkook would look after him.
He stood up slowly but the man didn’t come in and yell so he walked across the room. Kookie was waiting on the table and Jungkook picked him up and hugged him tight. He smelt kind of bad and he was a little bit crusty but that was okay.
“I love you,” he whispered into Kookie’s ears, stroking the rabbit's head. “It's okay because I love you.”
Kookie loved him too.
He sank down, taking Kookie with him, and curled up against the wall. He brought his knees right up to his chin and pushed Kookie into his chest. He’d keep Kookie safe, then Kookie wouldn’t have to be worried and scared.
And when they were curled up in a little ball, nothing could hurt them. Not yelling, not mean people, nothing!
He was going to keep them both safe.
“Jungkook-ah. Are you, oh, you’re over there.”
Jungkook glanced up. The man was back in the room. He’d taken off his jacked and his tie and unfastened some buttons on his shirt and he was smiling at Jungkook softly. Jungkook curled up tighter.
“So,” the man said. “Hyung’s making some dinner. Are you hungry, Jungkook-ah?”
“No,” Jungkook mumbled, though he was. “I’m not allowed to have food from strangers.”
“But we’re not strangers, Jungkook-ah,” the man said, coming over and crouching down in front of Jungkook. “I’m Seokjin-hyung, and you’re Jungkook-ah, and you’re going to stay with me for a while because your daddy needs to work things out.”
“Where’s Daddy?” Jungkook asked. His voice was all wobbly. His daddy hated when his voice got all wobbly.
“He’s at home, safe,” the man, Seokjin, said. “And you’re here to play with hyung, yes? We’re going to have a lot of fun. But right now, I think Jungkook needs some food and a bath and a good nights sleep. When do you think, Jungkook-ah?”
“I want my daddy,” Jungkook said, tears prickling in his eyes. “Can I go to daddy?”
“No, sweetheart,” the man said, gently. He was a nice man but Jungkook wanted to go home. He wanted his bed and his washing machines and his daddy and he could feel the tears welling up in him. “I know this is all a big scary change but Jungkook-ah, sweetie, I think once you get used to it here you’re going to be really happy. I’ve wanted a little to take care of for so long and your daddy really wasn’t doing a great job, he was struggling.”
“I love my daddy,” Jungkook said, because he did.
“I know,” the man agreed. “Of course you do, Jungkook-ah. You’re such a good boy. But right now, you’re going to stay with Hyung for a while, okay? And hey, who’s that, is someone hiding with Jungkook?”
Jungkook looked down to see Kookie’s ear peeking out from between his legs.
“Kookie!” he exclaimed, grabbing the ear and tucking it in. “Oh no!”
“Oh no,” the man agreed. “Kookie’s kind of dirty, right? Do you think Kookie might like to have a bath?”
“Kookie needs a bath,” Jungkook agreed, sniffling a little.
“I think he might need to go in the washing machine,” the man said, and Jungkook sat up a little straighter.
“Washing machine?”
“Yes,” the man said, looking a little distracted. “He should be okay on a delicate cycle. Kookie’s going to like going in the washing machine, Jungkook-ah. He’s going to go round and round like he’s on a ride at a fun fair.”
“I like washing machine,” Jungkook agreed, looking down at Kookie. “Do you like washing machine?”
Kookie liked washing machine.
“Kookie likes washing machine,” he told the man.
“That’s great, Jungkook-ah. Would you like to help me put him into the washing machine?”
Jungkook would. He climbed to his feet and let the man hold his hand then followed him through to the little utility room next to the kitchen. The washing machine wasn’t as big as the ones in the laundromat but it was nice, new and shiny and it made fun little songs when he pressed the buttons. He gently put Kookie into the drum then the man let him measure the detergent and press the buttons to turn the machine on.
And then Kookie started to tumble and tumble.
Jungkook sank down to the floor. He watched Kookie. Kookie was spinning and spinning. The washing machine was making a rumbly rumbly noise and sometimes it stopped and something else happened like sometimes Kookie got bubbles. Jungkook liked bubbles. He put his fingers into his mouth as he watched Kookie tumble over and over, getting really good and clean.
“Hey.”
Jungkook blinked.
It was the man again. He was standing there in the entry way, smiling down at Jungkook, a bowl in his hands. When Jungkook was paying attention, he squatted down and showed Jungkook what was in the bowl.
Jeon.
The man had made jeon for him.
“Do you like Jeon?” the man asked, and Jungkook nodded. “Here,” the man said, placing the bowl on the floor. “I thought this would be nice, so you can eat it and still keep Kookie company. How’s he doing?”
“There were bubbles,” Jungkook reported. He reached into the bowl and picked up a piece of jeon. He held it up, sniffing it. Kimchi. Good. Kimchi was the best jeon. He quickly took a bite and wow, it was delicious! So delicious! So much better than when daddy made jeon.
Daddy.
Oh no, daddy!
He’d got little and he’d watched the washing machine and wasted his time and daddy was going to be so mad! He needed to get big and go home before daddy was mad at him!
He raised his hand to his mouth and bit down hard into his palm.
“Hey, no,” the man cried, reaching forward and pulling at Jungkook’s hand. Jungkook let it go easily, it already hurt, there was no point hanging on to it longer. He needed to do more, though. He needed to get really big. He needed to get big enough that he could find his way home. He was going to be in so much trouble.
“What was that about?” the man asked, tugging on Jungkook’s hand. Jungkook looked down at the red marks of his own teeth on his flesh.
“I’ve gotta be big. Daddy’s going to be mad. I’ve got to be big and not waste time watching the washing machine.”
“Oh baby, no,” the man said, gently rubbing Jungkook’s hand. “Not here. Not when you’re with hyung, okay? When you’re with Hyung, you don’t need to be big. You don’t need to be anything, just yourself. You can be however big or little you feel and Hyung won’t mind, Hyung’s still going to look after you.”
Jungkook felt strange. There was a squirmy feeling inside his belly and he wasn’t sure that he liked it and the man was looking at him so closely.
“Do you want to watch Kookie a little bit more?” the man said, pointing back to the washing machine. Jungkook nodded because he did. He needed to be big and go home and be a good boy but he did want to watch Kookie. He wanted to watch him all the way to the end then pet him and get to keep him even if that was bad. He didn’t want to say goodbye to Kookie.
“Let’s watch Kooke,” the man said. He had a nice voice. “Let’s eat our Jeon too. Then when the washing machine finishes we can put bubbles in the bath and Jungkook can have bubbles too. Would you like that?”
“Jungkook can have bubbles?” Jungkook asked, intrigued.
“Yes, I promise you can. And then we’ll go to bed and things will look better in the morning. I promise, Jungkook-ah, things will look better in the morning.”
Jungkook wasn’t sure about that. He looked over at the washing machine though, and Kookie was still tumbling. He did want to finish watching Kookie in the machine. He did want bubbles, and to eat jeon. He did.
He wanted his daddy too, but just for now, maybe it was okay to want Kookie too.
“‘Kay,” he said, eyes following Kooke. “I’ll be good.”