Chapter Text
Not another one, Buck begged in earnest silence. Please, not another one.
The cold night had been distastefully warmed by the countless engine fires that followed a multi-car pile-up, the 118 called to respond for their last call of the night. At first, it was simple: LAPD taped off the area, and they – Buck, Eddie, Chimney, Hen, Ravi, and Harry – split up to put out fires and pull victims from cars. Most of them were fine; a broken rib here, a concussion there. Nothing they couldn’t handle and no one they couldn’t move. No one that they couldn’t save.
“Buck, Ravi, do one more check,” Chim insisted as they began to put back their equipment. “Make sure we haven’t missed anyone, or anything. Then we can let the tow trucks do their job.”
“On it, Cap,” Buck nodded, turning as Ravi followed him. It wasn’t the most luxurious assignment, to go and ensure that they’d not left anyone to die, but he supposed it was necessary.
Ravi nudged him lightly as they weaved past the cars, peering inside each one. “Does it still feel weird to call him Cap for you?”
“A little. But someone’s got to do it. Taking on that role after…,” his voice trailed off.
He couldn’t say Bobby’s name, could barely think it. His words trailed off, but Ravi knew who he meant. He didn’t ask another question.
Out of nowhere, a voice cried out. The pair turned to each other suddenly, confused by the outburst and unsure where it had come from. Both turned away from each other swiftly and began to call out, listening for a voice to follow. It took them less than a minute to locate a car on the side of the road, one that Buck was certain they’d checked – it sat further away than the rest from the pileup, but still he had ensured it was evacuated. Hadn’t he?
“Help!” The voice cried. “I can’t move!”
Buck sprinted towards the car, Ravi close behind. There they found no passengers in the front, but one in the back – and therein laid the issue. The tinted windows did not allow easy view into the back, and the pair that had been escorted from the front of the car had been very dazed. The third surely must’ve been unconscious, otherwise Buck was sure he would’ve found him.
“We’re coming,” he assured the voice, trying to open the door. It was stuck only a little and so gave way after a few tugs. Inside sat a man near flattened by the seat in front, blood coming from an unknown source. And Buck knew him.
“Matt?” He demanded, taken aback. The firefighter captain of the 103 grinned back at him, blood in his teeth.
“Buckley,” he replied. “’Course it’s your lot. My knight in shining armour.”
“Probable concussion,” Buck evaluated quickly. “Bleeding from an unknown source. Ravi, call for Eddie or Hen. Both if you can.”
Ravi nodded and spoke into the radio, calling for backup. Buck knelt beside the open door and tried to assess the damage without moving anything, wary of the bleeding. He wanted to move the seat forward and off of him, but what if that was the only thing putting pressure on his wound? What if it was worsening it?
He hoped someone would come quickly.
“Look bad?” Matt asked, his teeth clenching.
“Are you cold?” Buck asked, noticing. “Do you feel any pain?”
“It’s a little nippy,” the man confirmed. “And I can-I can feel pain in my stomach. I don’t know what happened.”
“You were unconscious, weren’t you?” Buck stood back up. “You started calling out when you woke up.”
“Yes, sir,” he nodded. “Saw the lights from your truck, knew someone would hear me.”
“Someone’s on the way to assess the wound,” Buck assured him. “And then we’ll get you out of here, alright? Go have something to drink, cheer you up.”
Matt’s sideways smile returned. “I see how people get charmed by you.”
“I am not hitting on you,” Buck grinned. “We’ll go out as a firehouse.”
“Whatever you say Buckley,” Matt laid his head back, closing his eyes. “I’ve seen you staring at my ass.”
Buck laughed as he quickly forced the man’s head forward, his eyes opening. “You’re probably concussed, Matt. Don’t close your eyes, don’t lay back. Can’t have you going to sleep.” He turned to Ravi. “They on their way?”
Ravi’s eyes darted away. “They’re here. Right on cue.”
Buck turned and saw Eddie and Hen approaching and backed away, letting them get to work. He ignored most of what they said – some medical yap that he wouldn’t have understood anyway – and just watched and waited for instruction. Ravi stood with him, probably doing the same.
“Ravi,” Eddie barely turned to look at them. “Get in the seat in front and be ready to pull the seat forward. Given how far back it is, I’d say it’s broken; you’ll have to do it manually. Make sure it’s slow, just in case the blood starts to come out too quickly.”
Ravi nodded and stationed himself as instructed; on Eddie’s count he began to pull, and then he and Hen began to work. Buck still didn’t understand anything they were saying but now it sounded more urgent. They had a gurney ready, but something about not being able to move him became a recurring theme.
“Ravi, get out,” Hen called suddenly. “You and Buck need to carry him out as carefully as you can while we stay on him.”
“What’s wrong?” Buck asked, moving to take Matt’s top half – and then he saw something. Two of Hen’s gloved fingers inside an abdomen wound, Eddie desperately trying to keep pressure on the exterior.
“Just get him on the gurney,” Hen insisted. “You ready?”
“As we’ll ever be,” he said, nodding at Ravi.
They stood in a line – Ravi going to take his legs, Hen and Eddie side by side tending to the wound, and Buck pulling him out first by the shoulders, hooking his arms as best he could. He’d placed the gurney as he thought would be easiest, and the four of them struggled to get Matt on it positioned as they were –it wasn’t any less difficult for the off-duty firefighter. As was the way with their kind, his pain was muffled by tight grunts and clenched fists.
Hen ended up on the gurney with her fingers still in the wound, and Eddie kept trying to compact the blood as Buck and Ravi moved them.
“How are you feeling, Matt?” Eddie called as they began to wheel him away. “Keep your eyes open, buddy.”
“Yeah,” Matt faintly moaned. “Not great. You going to tell me what’s wrong?”
Hen and Eddie exchanged a glance. “Were you holding something, before the crash? Something sharp?”
“Mm,” Matt clenched his jaw. “I-I don’t remember.”
“Something’s hit your liver,” Eddie explained. “It’s bleeding, bad. We need to get you to surgery ASAP.”
The next ten minutes was a blur. Trying to navigate cars with a gurney, desperately trying to keep Matt awake despite the blood loss, finally reaching an ambulance and getting him in – Hen, of course, had to ride with him but the rest were left there on the street, hoping to finally catch a breath. The entire time, all Buck could think about was that man dying. A friend, sure, but not just that; he was the Captain of a firehouse. Same as Bobby.
“Come on,” Eddie clapped him on the shoulder. “We’re following them to the hospital, to wait until the 103 get there.”
Buck could only nod as they climbed back onto the truck, racing off into the night.
***
“He died in surgery,” the doctor explained. “Between the blood loss and the laceration…we did what we could. It wasn’t enough. I’m sorry for your loss.”
Devastation.
That was the only way to describe their reaction. Sat in the waiting room, sat in silence, just sat. Heads rolling back as tears fell, the memory of another, and the memory of that same grief. Buck couldn’t believe it. None of them could.
Hen was crying into her hands as she leant forward, Chimney at her side with a hand on her back. Eddie sat down where he’d finished pacing, a few seats away, as he stared into nothing. Harry looked almost the same as he did when it was his mother in surgery. Ravi and Buck remained side by side, a silent comfort in their closeness. None of them moved. None of them spoke. They just let the grief swell.
When the doors crashed open with the presence of the 103, they all knew what to do – it was almost synchronised, the way they moved to comfort the crew. Letting them cry into each of them, listening to sobs and the rambling and everything that came with shock. It was what they had all needed not long ago. It was a sight too familiar, but they couldn’t let that break them down. In that moment, the 103 needed their help and there wasn’t anything that would keep them from giving it.
***
Silence followed Buck all the way home. Well, Buck and Eddie. Theo and Chris were having a sleepover – looked after by a babysitter they’d both paid for – and it made more sense for them to go back together and part ways in the morning.
Beers were opened the moment they got in, no hesitation.
“Tough night,” Eddie said, sat on the counter in the kitchen. Buck had situated himself against the fridge, trying not to think.
“Yeah,” he agreed absentmindedly.
“Want to talk about it?” Eddie asked.
He just shook his head. “Not really.”
A few sips of beer, a couple of seconds of shuteye.
“You could’ve applied for Captain, you know.” Eddie shifted a little where he sat, drawing his eyes to his roommate.
Buck barely laughed. “You’re joking.”
“What?” A small smile was creeping onto Eddie’s face. “I’m dead serious. You’d be good at it, I think. Chim was obviously the best choice; I’m not denying that. But…I don’t know if he really wanted it.”
Buck shook his head. “He wanted it. He was just worried about us.”
“You think?” Eddie frowned.
“Wouldn’t you be?” He shot back. “Bobby,” he cleared his throat, “was perfect. The best anyone could’ve asked for. We all answered to him, all on the same level. Imagine you were made captain; now you’ve gotta live up to the title and tell your friends what to do, boss them around. How would you feel?”
He thought for a moment. “Yeah, okay. Point taken. Hey, when did you get so smart?”
“I’ve always been this smart,” he threw his bottle cap at the man. “Brains and beauty.”
Eddie snorted. “Someone’s full of themselves.”
“You can be both,” he continued to insist.
“That’s not what I’m disagreeing with,” Eddie took another sip of beer. “Maybe you’re not as smart as you seem.”
Buck grinned. “Beauty, then?”
“You can be neither,” he retorted.
“Fuck you,” Buck rolled his eyes, finishing off his bottle. “Time to get to bed, hm? Still got work in the morning.”
“Evan Buckley, sensible?” Eddie’s eyes widened as he feigned surprise. “After being momentarily wise? What a night.”
“I’ve got a kid now. I fear it comes with the job,” Buck said, taking down the rest of his own drink. He followed Eddie out of the room, calling goodnight as he turned into his. Buck went to unfold the pull-out sofa, crashing right down onto it as soon as he could. No blanket and clothes still on – he was that tired.
He closed his eyes for just a second.
Screams woke him up. He eyed the time before moving – 3:07 – and then bolted straight for Eddie’s room. There the man was, fully asleep as he writhed aggressively about his bed. Sweat stained his pyjamas and his sheets, and the grunts of pain were undermined by the shouts and the cries.
Buck moved onto the bed and waited for a moment when the thrashing and shouting was minimal; that was what Eddie had instructed him to do after the first time it had happened, to wait for a calmer moment before waking him.
“Eddie,” Buck coaxed gently, rubbing his arm. “Wake up. It’s not real, okay? You’re in LA, you’re home. Come on, wake up.”
He never knew what to expect when waking Eddie up from a terror; sometimes he had to be prepared for attack, other times the man would start crying as he woke. This time it was more like he was scared – he jolted awake, eyes wide like he was in a frenzy. He mumbled something about an extraction and gunshot wounds, someone’s leg who had been blown off – and then his eyes met Buck’s. And there set in the realisation.
“Buck?”
“It’s me,” he confirmed, nodding. “You’re alright. You’re home. Christopher’s in the next room, I’m here, we’re in LA.”
He laid there for another moment, thinking. In one breath he sighed and ran fingers through his hair, exasperated by something.
“It’s been a while since you’ve had one,” Buck commented
“A long time,” Eddie agreed, flinging his legs over the side of the bed.
Buck frowned. “Where are you going?”
“Shower,” he answered. “I’m not going back to sleep, and I’m not staying all hot and bothered like this. Thanks for…you know.”
“Yeah,” Buck said, getting up. “Yeah, of course.”
From there he was left in the silence and dark of Eddie’s room, allowing himself a moment of reflection. The first time Eddie had had a terror while he was living there, Buck hadn’t known what to do. Wake him, not wake him, touch him, what? They’d spoken on it, and Eddie insisted he wanted to be woken – after explaining how, Buck had done it a few times. But that night, it felt different.
“Is my dad okay?”
Buck’s eyes strayed to Chris’ silhouette in the doorway.
“Hey buddy,” Buck smiled, standing. “Your dad’s okay. Just a nightmare. Is Theo up, too? He’s a nightmare to get back to bed.”
He ventured towards the door as Chris shook his head. “He’s not.”
“Great,” Buck sighed, relieved. “Let’s get you back to bed, shall we?
Together they walked back into Chris’ room, careful not to wake up the four-year-old. He got Chris back into his bed easily, sitting on the end.
“I have nightmares sometimes.” Chris whispered into the darkness.
“What about?” Buck asked, adjusting himself to stay a moment.
“The tsunami,” he answered solemnly, opening the door into his room. That was another punch to the gut that Buck didn’t want to dwell on.
“That was scary, wasn’t it?” Buck agreed. “I have nightmares about it too, sometimes.”
“You do?” Chris asked as he sat on the edge of his bed.
“Are you kidding?” Buck half-smiled, trying to lighten the mood. “Scariest day of my life, losing you. But it’s not something to think about now, okay? You need to go to sleep, you’ve still got school.”
Chris sighed. “Are you sure he’s going to be okay?”
“I promise,” Buck nodded. “I’ll make sure of it.”
The boy nodded and rolled into bed, allowing Buck to pull the blanket over him. With one last glance at the two children Buck left, quietly shutting the door behind him.
As he passed Eddie’s room he heard: “He okay?”
Buck stopped, turning into the bedroom. Eddie had just come from a very quick shower, pyjama bottoms on but no top. Not that that was pertinent to anything.
“Just worried,” Buck answered. “He’s probably already back asleep.”
“Good,” Eddie nodded. “Good. Hey, man, thanks. I don’t say it enough, given everything you’ve done for me.”
Buck shook his head. “No sweat. You’re letting me stay tonight, and Theo.”
“Like I would say no to you,” he laughed a little. “Plus, Chris loves you being around. And Theo, sometimes.”
“He’s got good taste.”
That elicited a laugh from Eddie, which was what Buck had been angling for.
For the rest of the morning both of them stayed awake, quietly playing games on Chris’ PS5 to pass the time. Eddie had insisted against it at first, telling Buck to go back to sleep; but he didn’t want to leave his best friend to sit with his thoughts after one of his terrors, and there was good chance he wouldn’t have slept anyway. So, after a bit of pushing, the man relented – there they stayed until the sun came up, until they had to get ready for work.
***
“Chief wants to talk to us,” Chim called out as he walked into the room. “He should already be upstairs.”
The five of them exchanged confused glances as they ventured upstairs, silently trying to anticipate what this meeting would be about. About the night previous, surely, but why? Had they done something wrong? Perhaps the lack of a thorough check for Matt would be grounds for a firing, in which case Buck knew he would be gone. But then why were they all going? What was happening?
“Good morning, station 118,” Chief Simpson smiled as they filed inside.
“Morning,” Chim greeted. “You wanted to see us?”
“I did,” the Chief confirmed, standing. “I wanted to talk to you all about a new initiative that the LAFD are planning to implement, something that we hope will…relieve tensions and build teamwork. We want to start mandated work retreats for all firehouses.”
Buck almost laughed. “A work retreat?”
“Yes,” Simpson nodded. “Once every three years, for a week. This job is difficult and stressful, and teams – whether they have new members or not – need to be able to trust one another implicitly. A retreat with activities chosen specifically for this job, we think, would be beneficial for everyone.”
“And, what?” Hen chipped in. “You want us to be your experiment?”
“In a word,” he agreed. “You’ve worked as a team for a number of years, are family like most firehouses. But this house has been through an especially difficult time recently, exacerbated by last night’s events. You would be perfect to test this; you’ll reinforce your teamwork, and you’ll get something like a break.”
“Why not the 103?” Harry asked. “Surely they need a…break more than we do.”
“They need work,” Simpson explained. “Something stable, just like you all did. Something to hang onto before taking the next step.”
Silence. What were they meant to say?
“Do we get to say no?” Buck asked. Ravi looked down as he grinned – he had always been a fan of Buck’s antics and defiance, whether he said it or not.
“I’ll give you a moment to talk amongst yourselves,” Simpson told them. “I won’t force your house to be the testers of this initiative if you don’t want to be.”
With that the Chief left, closing the door behind him. Between them, there was no sound for a long moment – and then Eddie began to laugh. Buck was next, and then Hen. Ravi couldn’t help but chuckle a little, though it was Chim who stayed the odd one out. All he could manage was a small, an eyeroll. None of them could believe it.
“A work retreat?” Eddie repeated aloud. “For the LAFD?”
“They can’t be serious,” Hen agreed, winding down from her laughter.
Buck shook his head. “I’m not going on a work retreat.”
“We’re all going on a work retreat,” Chim stepped in. “It’s just one week. The Chief is right, we’ve all been under some stress lately – we could use a break, even if it is technically work.”
“Chim –”
“I kind of like the idea,” Ravi agreed. “Team-building games with work friends?”
“That’s what you heard?” Harry asked.
“What did you hear?” He frowned.
“Not that,” Buck replied in Harry’s place. “Chim, you can’t be serious.”
He shrugged. “It’ll be good for us.”
“It doesn’t matter that we don’t want to?” Hen asked, her tone dangerously close to defiant anger.
“It does,” he said. “But I’m meant to do what’s best for this team. And this is what I think is best.”
No one but Ravi seemed content with this arrangement; Chim called the Chief back in, agreeing to his proposal without interruption. The rest of them simply stood idly by, waiting to be excused.
The moment the Chief left, all five of them stalked out into the dining room and sat. Chim remained in his office, pretending to do paperwork – it was really just to let them all hash it out amongst themselves.
“Team building? For us? Really?” Eddie insisted, pacing the length of the table.
Hen sat back in her chair. “I can’t believe they want to take an entire fire station out of rotation for a work retreat.”
“We have second shift to cover,” Ravi added. “And it’s not like we couldn’t use a break.”
“I just want to work,” Buck pushed, sitting forward. “I don’t want to go out and play while we should be here doing our jobs. Saving lives. We-We just got us all back to work, and now they want to take us back out?”
“It’s just a week,” Ravi reminded them, slowly becoming the least popular voice.
“Just a fucking week,” Eddie muttered, walking away.
Hen scowled. “Well, it’s not like we have a choice now – just got to deal with it.”
She stalked away too, leaving Buck with Ravi and Harry; the three of them were silent for a long moment, unsure how to proceed. None of them wanted to turn to Chim’s office, but did they want to follow after Hen or Eddie? Not especially.
Buck took a breath. “Who wants to help me cook lunch?”
***
That afternoon, Buck went to pick Theo up from school. Normally he couldn’t because his shift ran long, but he’d made sure to get out early that day – he had to explain to the kid he’d not be around for a whole week, which he feared wouldn’t be easy given his parents’ recent passing. He didn’t want to leave Theo behind after not having him for long, but some things couldn’t be changed.
Buck listened to the school bell ring, and students came running out almost instantly – some teacher’s glanced at him strangely, not recognising him, but Theo’s teacher waved and pointed the boy in his direction; it was barely three seconds before Theo bounded towards him, almost knocking him over as he attached himself to Buck’s leg.
“Hey Theo,” he grinned, trying not to fall. “Good day?”
“Yeah!” He cried, turning to run circles around him. “Can we get ice cream?”
“Uh, not today,” Buck told him, following his circles well enough to finally capture Theo’s hand. “How about take-out? Pizza sounds good?”
“Yeah!” Theo screamed, pulling from Buck’s grip and running towards his car. Buck had never assumed parenting would be easy, but he certainly hadn’t though it would be this hard.
On the way home, Theo kept chirping up from the back about a multitude of things; it started with facts about what he’d learned that day – “Did you know that sloths can hold their breaths longer than dolphins can?” and “It’s impossible for pigs to look up at the sky.” – and ended with a discussion about the Salem Witch Trials. Buck never knew what to expect when it came to Theo, and, since having him, he felt an incessant need to apologise over and over to his parents.
As soon as they got home Theo was sat in front of the TV, ready to watch one of his shows. Despite Buck’s desire to also sit down and watch something – whether it was Paw Patrol again or not – he insisted that Theo had to do his homework first. Responsible parenting was difficult for him because Buck rarely ever was responsible, but that was only ever when it came to him. Now, he had to think about Theo.
Some hours passed as he tried to find someone who could take Theo for an entire week – the easy option would’ve been to ask his parents, but that would always come as a last resort. They were strangely elated to find out that Buck had a kid, no matter where he’d come from; but Buck didn’t want to ask them unless he had to. Maddie wasn’t an option because he was sure she had her hands full with Jee, and no babysitter could’ve stayed for a whole week – it would’ve cost too much, too. So, what solution did he have? In short, there wasn’t one. Except for his last resort.
“Yes, mom,” he sighed, repeating himself for the millionth time. “You can stay here with him, don’t bring him back to yours. I don’t want him moving around so much.”
His mom continued to ramble on about how excited she was to be with Theo, but Buck zoned out for most of it – when he finally managed to hang up, Theo emerged from his room with a much slower and shyer gait than Buck was used to.
“What’s going on?”
Buck turned to him, putting his phone down. “Hey, buddy. Want to come and sit with me?”
Theo nodded solemnly, chewing his finger as he sat beside Buck. “Where are you going?”
“You know, I don’t actually know,” he answered. “But I’ve got to go away for work. Just for a week; you remember your grandma? My mom?”
Theo just nodded.
“She’s going to come here with grandpa and look after you,” he explained. “You’re gonna have an exciting week with them; they’ll drop you off and pick you up from school every day, they’ll take you to the park –”
“I don’t wanna!” Theo interrupted, throwing a pillow. Maybe Buck should’ve been annoyed that he was throwing a tantrum, but all he could think about was the sinking feeling in his heart as he stared at this poor boy.
“Hey, hey,” Buck took his hands before he could throw something else, forcing Theo to look at him. “I don’t want to go either. If I could change it, I would. But I can’t. But you are going to have the best week with your grandparents, getting to know them.”
“No!” Theo shook his head, standing suddenly. “I don’t wanna!”
Before Buck could respond Theo turned and ran back into his room, tears streaming down his cheeks. Nothing could compare to what Buck felt in that moment; a familiar sob began building in his throat, his gut wrenching together. He knew what it was like to feel abandoned – he’d come to expect it for a good part of his life, but it had always been worse at a young age because there was no way of rationalising anything; it was all just emotion, feeling completely unwanted and alone.
Buck had only one person to turn to.
“It never gets easier,” Eddie admitted, walking into the house. “But it’ll get more manageable. I’ll never forget the way I made Chris felt when I went on all my tours, or how he felt when Shannon died and my parents wanted to take him. But we got through it; you’ll get through this, too.”
Buck just nodded his thanks. “I hope you’re right. Right now, I need to get him out of his room so he can have some dinner. Every time I go in, he hides under his covers and refuses to come out. I don’t even know if he’s listening to me.”
“He is,” Eddie confirmed. “Or, he’s hearing you. Listening will come when he’s a little less upset.”
Venturing into Theo’s room, Buck remained at the door as Eddie went to work his magic. The man sat at the foot of Theo’s bed, trying to console him with a soothing voice – with a few jokes at Buck’s expense, the promise of a bit too much ice cream, and the acknowledgement that he was not alone, Theo finally climbed out of his bed and attached himself to Buck’s leg again.
Staring at Eddie, Buck was completely amazed.
“What the hell?” He mouthed silently, rubbing Theo’s head. Eddie just shrugged, clearly cocky about his accomplishment. He just mouthed back “You owe me” and walked out the room.
***
Early the next morning, Buck’s parents came with suitcases and smiles – he ran them through where everything was and what to do in case of an emergency, promised to call Theo every day after school, and left promptly after hearing the honk of Eddie’s car. Theo wasn’t as upset as he had been the night before but still seemed solemn as he waved from the front door. Buck promised the time would pass like it was nothing; he just hoped that it was truer than it felt.
Hen was already riding shotgun when he climbed into the back of the car.
“I hear you had a difficult time last night,” she commented, glancing at him.
“I didn’t think it was going to be so difficult,” he sighed. “I want to slap Chimney right now.”
“Yeah,” Hen agreed wistfully. “But he’s doing what he thinks is best for us. That’s what a Captain’s meant to do, isn’t it?”
Eddie made a bit of a face. “I feel like if everyone’s disagreeing with him he should realise that maybe it’s not what’s best for us.”
Hen shrugged. “Maybe it’s a captain’s intuition. Maybe he’ll be right.”
Buck groaned. “Don’t say that.”
“Why don’t we put on some tunes?” Eddie suggested. “Chim’s picking up Ravi and Harry, so we don’t have to listen to any of their god-awful music.”
They all managed to laugh at that, and Hen took charge of the aux – the three of them spent the subsequent two hours of driving singing their lungs out, forgetting about all of their problems for just a little while.
Those problems, however, came rushing back the moment that they parked in the middle of nowhere; they were still on a stupid work retreat, and Theo was still at home without him. Buck dreaded to imagine what issues would show up here, past and present. He certainly didn’t want to find out.