Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Fandoms:
Character:
Additional Tags:
Language:
English
Stats:
Published:
2026-05-16
Words:
986
Chapters:
1/1
Kudos:
21
Bookmarks:
2
Hits:
117

The Right to Bear Arms

Summary:

Ilya has been suspended for rough conduct and is not allowed to appear at a community event. But he loves community events, so he sneaks in by dressing up as the mascot. Chaos ensues.

Notes:

I know that canonically the Centaurs mascot is a beaver but I wanted to make this dumb joke, so Ilya still plays for Boston in this story when he punches Dallas Kent for being a homophobic kent. The name of the mascot has no affiliation with ‘Glee’, I only discovered that when I googled the name to check if it was okay to use

Work Text:

It’s one of Ilya’s favourite days of the Hockey Calendar. The Annual Boston Bears Family Fun Day. He looks forward to it all season. He loves meeting the fans, he loves the tiny children in tiny gear doing coaching clinics, he loves that it raises money for charities across Massachusetts, he loves the food trucks and the stage activities in the parking lot, it is always a really positive day.
 
Except this year he’s banned from attending because of stupid Dallas Kent. Dallas Kent making stupid homophobic remarks. Ilya punched him. A lot. And now Ilya is suspended, which means he is not allowed to attend the family day. Dallas Kent probably still gets to attend HIS Family Fun Day.
 
Ilya has never been someone to back down from a challenge or not go after what he wants though. He parks his least noticeable car a few blocks away from the arena and walks the rest of the way on foot, quietly slipping through a staff door near the dumpsters. He smokes out here a lot, so he knows both the way and the door code.
 
He walks softly through the quiet halls, hugging the wall until he finds the office he wants.
 
“Christopher.” He says, his Russian accent making it sound accidentally villainous.
 
Chrisopher turns around slowly, a human head on the body of a bear.
 
“Um… Hi Ilya. I didn’t think you were allowed to be here today.”
 
“I’m not. Which is why you’re going to help me.”
 
Christopher looks rightly nervous.
 
“No need to look so scared, Chris! I am here to give you day off! Family Fun Day not so fun for mascot.”
 
Christopher stays silent and waits for Ilya to continue.
 
Ilya reaches into his pocket and Christopher flinches at the movement. “I have booked you and your girlfriend – Alyssa, yes? – a lovely spa day. All pre-paid, very nice. Couple massage, sauna, etc.”
 
“Uh… she might be at work?” Christopher stumbles out, trying to come up with a way out of whatever is happening right now.
 
“Nonsense, I have called her and she is already waiting for you.” Ilya answers.
 
“How did you get her number?” Christopher asks.
 
“I am Ilya Rozanov.” Ilya answers, not actually answering. Ilya continues. “All you have to do is swap that costume for these vouchers. So simple.”
 
Christopher does not think this is very simple at all.
 
“You… YOU want to be the mascot. Ilya Rozanov.” Christopher clarifies.
 
“Yes. For today. I want to go to the Fun Day. This is my way to go to the Fun Day.” Ilya points to the bear head waiting on the bench. “Give.”
 
 ——

15 minutes later Christopher is in his car and still not sure what just happened and Ilya is giggling to himself inside a massive bear head.
 
It is hard to see, but Ilya knows this arena like the back of his hand, so he makes it work. Luckily mascots don’t talk so he is able to keep his identity concealed by not revealing his voice to anyone either.
 
There is a lot of weight to the costume, and he is very impressed with how easy Chris makes it look. He is wearing heavy furred skates, heavy furred arms, and a bear head which is definitely going to cause a visit to his masseuse tomorrow to fix his neck. But it is all going to be worth it.
 
——
 
The kids immediately cheer and jump up and down when they see him. Probably more than they do when he’s plain Ilya Rozanov. Several kids swarm him and hug his legs and try to high five him from their low position. Ilya doles out as many hugs and high fives as he can, trying to muffle his laughter as much as possible.

“Puckleberry! Puckleberry!” they scream and Ilya waves and does a little dance, remembering to keep it G rated for the kids.

Ilya spends the next few hours being pulled, jumped on, hit, hugged, and taunting people into dance battles and mock fights. His hands sting from all the high fives and he cannot BELIEVE how many thirsty mothers (and occasional fathers) have managed to grope him through the suit. He’s had less sexual attention near shirtless in clubs. It is the best day ever.

He quietly stalks up behind a small boy. The family see him coming but the boy does not. They all keep a straight face so the boy is surprised when Ilya, Puckleberry, grabs him with a roar and shakes him gently. The boy screams with delight and hugs onto Puckleberry’s arm and Ilya hugs him tightly to his bear chest. The family smile and laugh and ask for a photo. Ilya’s bear arms point to the baby in the mother’s arms and she gently hands her over. The baby looks up at the giant bear holding her without fear and Ilya poses for the photo, gently rocking the baby. He doesn’t want to give her back, but he knows he has to so he gently passes her back. 

“Thank you, Puckleberry!” The family choruses.

After one last dance battle with a teen girl Ilya is DONE. He needs a cigarette (and a BUCKET of Gatorade. And to lie down for 7 years) and he starts trying to slink away, as much as a near 7 foot tall Teddy Bear can slink. He gets about 5 feet before his name is shouted. Well, Puckleberry’s.

After one more hour, the Family Fun Day is finally over. Ilya is exhausted, sore, and drenched in sweat, but he’s still had a wonderful day, full of hugs and laughter. He also thinks that whatever they pay Christopher, it isn’t enough.

He gets out the back, beyond the eyes of the last families filing out and rips off his head. He pants as he closes his eyes and rests against the wall.

“Rozanov?!”

Ilya opens one eye. “Surprise.”