Work Text:
"I love you," I whispered, looking into her hazelnut-colored eyes.
"What?"
"I love you," I repeated.
Not because I had finally overcome my fear of rejection, not because I was drunk, not because I thought she felt the same. I did it because I had become addicted to looking into her eyes.
Addicted to having her attention.
Addicted to hearing her voice.
Addicted to admiring her beauty.
And I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.
"You are the most beautiful, funny, intelligent, caring, gorgeous person I have ever met, and I am deeply in love with you."
For a while, she just stared at me. And I should have been nervous, because this wasn't a good sign. She was going to break my heart, and I knew it. But was there even something to break when I knew I never had a chance?
"I'm sorry," she said. "But I... I don't feel the same way."
"That's fine," I replied. What a stupid thing to say.
And then I felt it. It hit me with an unexpected force. The pain I never thought I would experience surrounded my thoughts and clouded my vision.
And I could already feel myself drowning in it.
I felt my voice crack.
"C-can we stay friends?"
I asked, absolutely failing to sound normal.
"Of course,"
Gracie said and tried to hug me. But her fingers felt like hot iron on my skin, so I flinched back.
I couldn't touch her.
I couldn't look at her.
"I should go now," I said, standing up.
"Oh, okay," she replied, obviously not knowing how to act in this situation.
I turned around one last time. Tears had already started to form in my eyes and run down my face.
"I'm... I'm sorry, Gracie. I am really sorry."
And then I turned around and walked away. First slowly, but as soon as I was sure she couldn't see me, I started to run.
I ran faster than I ever had before. My whole body hurt, and I knew I could never keep this pace up. But I also couldn't stop, because there was this force inside me pulling me toward Gracie.
I had to be near her. It felt like a physical need.Like I couldn't be happy, couldn't breathe if I wasn't around her.
Then I stopped running. The only thing I could hear was my uneven breathing, and the only thing I could feel was my burning lungs. I had no idea where I was. But it didn't matter anyway.
I lay down on the grass and looked at the sky. I could see the stars.
They were shining bright, indescribably beautiful. Like drops of luck in a universe of unhappiness, like a smile in an expressionless crowd.
In this moment, I could only think about Gracie's eyes and how much comfort I had found in them.
The pain I felt in my chest got worse when it hit me that I wouldn't be able to look into those eyes again.
Because one thing was clear: our friendship would never be the same again. I had ruined the only good thing in my life.
I started to sob violently. I couldn't control my breathing, so I just gave up trying.
I also couldn't tell how long I had lain there on the grass. I only knew that my hoodie sleeves were wet from my tears when I heard a voice behind me.
“Hey.”
I didn't turn around. I could recognize her voice everywhere.
It was funny and sad that she was the last and only person I wanted to see at the same time.
“Please go home,” I said, my voice surprisingly stable.
“It's late, and you need to get up early tomorrow.”
“I don't care about that.”
“Well, you should.”
The silence stretched after that.
“Can I hug you?”
I didn't reply. I wanted her to hug me, but I also wanted her to go away, and I also wanted her to kiss me. I wanted her to—okay, stop. I was being disgusting.
“I assure you, you don't want to hug me.”
“Why wouldn't I want that?” she asked.
Now I faced her. What a horrible mistake. I could feel my heart ache when I looked at her. Her face was so fucking perfect. She was the most attractive person I had ever seen in my whole life.
“Don't you think I'm disgusting?”
“No, of course I don't.”
“Well, you should.”
“Are you mad?... There is nothing wrong with this.”
And she made a vague hand gesture between the two of us.
“Yeah, sure,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
I didn't even know why I was suddenly angry with her. Maybe it was a coping mechanism because I was an immature idiot.
And then she came one step closer. I looked at her, confused. There was a moment of silence. Just when I was about to ask what she was doing, she came even closer.
Now our faces were just inches away from each other.
And then she kissed me. Our lips connected.I could feel her hands on my body. I could taste her chapstick. But then the moment of pure shock and surprise was over, and I pushed her away.
“What on earth are you doing?”
“Proving my point,” she said.
“Are you fuc—” I yelled, but cut myself off and sorted my thoughts. My voice was calmer now, but on the inside I was furious.
“You... you...” I stuttered because I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to ask why she was playing with my feelings so much. But I just couldn't stay mad at her. She was just so beautiful, and I was so in love with her.
But I was also very hurt.
“That was very inconsiderate of you,” I continued.
“I know you tried to be nice, and I was saying weird things, but you really hurt me.... Gracie, you just broke my heart.
You can't kiss me to prove your point.”
My anger transformed back into sadness again, and I could feel more tears forming in my eyes. She looked at me, and I saw in her face that she understood my point.
“I'm sorry,” she muttered.
“It's fine.” I sighed
“No, it's not. You should not forgive me for everything immediately.”
I looked at her, like really looked at her.
“But Gracie, I can't. I can't be mad at you.I am so in awe of you. I admire you. I look up to you.
You are....... Every second I got to spend with you was the best time of my life. And I will always be grateful that I was lucky enough to know you.”
Gracie was now the one who had tears in her eyes.
“I....” she stopped talking. “Why does this sound like a goodbye?”
“Because it is one—”
“No, it isn't. You are not going anywhere. I am not going to lose you,” she cut me off.
I looked at her for a while, and no one said a word.
“You won't,” I then said.
“You promise?”
“I promise,” I lied.
She then wrapped her arms around my shoulders, and I tried my best to pretend I enjoyed this hug. It caused me physical pain to be this close to her. I could smell her perfume. I could feel her hands on my body. I could hear her breath.
But I also knew that I could never have her.
“Let's go back home,” Gracie said, and I just nodded.
We walked all the way back in silence.
I muttered “good night” before going straight into my room.
I curled up on my bed and cried until there was nothing left in me, and then I just cried a little more.
Gracie was sitting outside the door and heard everything, but she couldn't change it.
Our friendship was never truly the same after this day. It wasn't particularly worse or better; it was just different. And I hate change.
I am still in love with Gracie, and I will always be
The sad truth is that she will never love me. But I will learn to live with that.
I am still thankful for every minute we spend together, and I am afraid of the day she will leave my life forever.